CHAPTER SEVEN: Thawing Out

Disoriented, cold, feeling an overwhelming anxiety, Kate wakes up in the ambulance, wrapped in warm blankets, an IV drip in her arm. Looking around quickly, she spots Lanie. A little panic tingeing her tone, she croaks out "Castle? Where's Castle?" Knowing they were both trapped in that freezer, she's frantic, wanting to know about her partner and friend. Eyes searching Lanie's, she seeks answers and reassurance all at once.

Calmly, Lanie grabs her hands and tells her, "Relax, Kate, he's okay. He's getting checked out by a paramedic, but he should be fine. I'll go check on him myself in a minute." Worried about Kate, Lanie continues checking her vital signs, even though the EMT already gave her a thorough exam. Once she's satisfied that Kate really is fine, she looks at her with a determined glint in her eye.

Anger and fear drive her words. "Don't you dare scare me like that again." She admonishes Kate, letting her know just how close she'd come to a disastrous outcome.

Seeing the regret and lingering fear on Kate's face, she softens, knowing it wasn't deliberate. Then, smiling a little, knowing she's risking Kate's wrath but wanting to distract her, Lanie starts in, a knowing tone in her voice. "But I must say, you two sure looked cozy all wrapped up in each other's arms when they found you."

Knowing how conflicted her feelings about Castle are, and how perceptive Lanie can be, Kate dodges. "You know we're just friends Lanie. We were trying to stay warm."

"Uh-huh. I know. You've told me that a million times." The slightly singsong tone of her voice gets to Kate, calling her a liar without actually saying it. Then it sharpens. "But Kate, really, don't you think its time you admit to yourself there's something more there? How many times are you two going to come close to dying before you take a chance?"

Sighing, Kate thinks about what her dad said a few weeks ago. Since she broke up with Josh, its almost all she thinks about now that they're both single. Most of the time their friendship is comfortable, but there are also times it's been a little strained. It's like they've got this fragile peace in place, marking time, briefly interspersed here and there with quick looks, and a subtle testing. She goes home at night and agonizes over the détente they've silently declared. She wants him, but she's so afraid of ruining what they already have. And he seems to just be waiting for her, not pressing, but creating a subtle zone of expectation which she can step into at any time. "Lanie…it's just…"

"I know, it's complicated. That's what you always say. But take a chance. You've been in a relationship with the man for three years already, why not get the benefits that go along with it? Just kiss the man and see what happens! "

Wait…what? That can't be right. They haven't been in a relationship for three years…have they? The sinking feeling in her gut confirms what Lanie has verbalized. Holy shit! She's right! Why didn't she see it? They've been dancing around each other so long that she knows more about him than she's known about any other guy with whom she's actually been involved. Stunned at the revelation, she can't think of anything to say to Lanie. Like a true friend, Lanie has spoken the plain truth. Why is it so hard to hear sometimes?

Then she thinks about her one kiss with Rick. That kiss mesmerized her. She dreams about that kiss. It was the catalyst that caused her to question everything about her relationship with Josh. She stubbornly refused to give up on him due to her fears of what could happen if she pursued Rick. But if she's being honest with herself, that kiss has ruined her for anyone else and she knows it. Blushing, her erotic dreams catching up with her, she recalls that one perfect moment - the taste of his lips on hers, the solid feel of his body pulling her in, the slight rasp from his five o'clock shadow, the silky feel of his hair running through her fingers and the hard ridge she briefly rubbed up against.

Watching her closely, Lanie senses something. Kate looks particularly vulnerable, but also a little flustered, so she backs off a little. Taking a guess, she probes. "Unless you already have?" she asks, tentatively.

Nodding, admitting the truth to Lanie, she confesses. "I did. Kiss him, I mean. Once."

"What? When? Why didn't you tell me?" Lanie asks, before adding, a twinkle in her eye, "How was it?"

Relieved, wanting to confess but still hedging a little, she tells Lanie. "It wasn't like that. I was with Josh at the time. It was when Ryan and Espo were kidnapped. There was this guard outside the building and we had to figure out a way to get close to him without him getting suspicious. Castle suggested we play a drunk couple walking to our apartment and I agreed. Only the guard wasn't buying it. I went to reach for my gun when Castle just grabbed me and kissed me. It seemed to be working so I kissed him back until the guard turned his back and I took him out. It didn't' mean anything. It was just a ruse. We had to do something."

Looking at her closely, Lanie calls her on it. "Bullshit, Kate Beckett. I know you. You two have been sending smoldering glances at each other for years. If it was no big deal you would have said something before now. If you can't be honest with me, at least be honest with yourself."

Looking at Lanie, seeing the love and understanding on her face, she crumbles. "Oh God, Lanie. You're right. That kiss got to me."

"Spill, girl." Lanie demands, knowing this is a critical moment.

"It was everything I thought it could be and more. I'm such a coward. We didn't talk about it. We both ignored it, like it never happened. That night was so screwed up in so many ways. Ryan and Esposito were hurt and there was so much going on, everything jumbled together, my mother's case mixed up in it all. By the time we got through the aftermath I was so spent I just went home. And I was with Josh and I didn't know what to say to Castle. He seemed content to leave it as a ruse and that was it. We never talked about it again."

Sighing, she admits. "It was amazing. And I knew right then that Josh was on borrowed time. I just couldn't admit it to myself. I so wanted it to work with Josh, but it wasn't so we just kept limping along. Why do all my relationships end up like this? I couldn't stand it if that happened with Rick."

"Oh honey, there are no guarantees. But your relationships don't work because they're not the right man." Grabbing her hands, wanting to make her point clearly, she pushes, "And you don't let them in."

After seeing the words sink in, Lanie continues. "But you're different with Castle. And he's different with you. That man has been following you around for three years. Every time you try to get rid of him he keeps showing up. Don't you think it's time you give him a chance? Do you really think this strange dance that you two do is going to go on forever? It's got to move forward or end and I think you know that."

"God, Lanie, I know. But I'm so scared. What if it just blows up in my face? How do I survive that? I'll have ruined everything!"

"You can't know that, Kate. You don't know what's going to happen. It takes two to tango and it takes two to make it work. From what I've seen, he's ready and he's been ready for a long time. He's been waiting for you. Don't you think you both deserve to find out what could be?"

Wanting what Lanie is pushing so badly, Kate recognizes the truth in her words.

"Hey Beckett. You look as frozen as Castle. You doing okay?" Ryan asks, coming towards them, his pale blue eyes filled with concern.

"Uh, yeah. Thanks. I'll be okay, right Lanie?"

"She'll be fine Ryan. I'm going to go check on Castle. Keep her out of trouble, would you?"

With a nod, Ryan agrees. They turn and watch as Lanie makes her way to the other ambulance. Needing to move, she gets out of her ambulance, blanket wrapped firmly around her. Leaning back against a squad car, she accepts a cup of coffee from someone as she watches Lanie. Eyes tracing her progress, she feels the tightness in her chest ease as she catches a glimpse of Castle in the back of the other ambulance, moving around, combative, until his eyes lock with hers. Seeing him calm, she acknowledges him from afar, mind racing with the possibilities.