CHAPTER THIRTEEN: Turmoil

Exhausted, emotionally fragile, Kate Beckett wakes alone in her apartment, the weak early morning light bathing her in its soft glow. It's been five days since she and Rick were cocooned in her apartment, oblivious to the outside world. With his mother and daughter out of town, they were able to be together, away from the prying eyes of the world, as she enjoyed a few well-earned days off.

That time with Rick was like a vacation. They deliberately and ruthlessly explored each other, each touch a voyage of discovery that led to even dizzier heights. By pushing all of her doubts and fears aside, she was able to focus solely on pleasure – hers and his. And they were absolutely insatiable. Even though they mostly stayed in, they did venture out once or twice to grab some takeout or get him a change of clothes. But they didn't talk about what was happening. They simply dove into their physical relationship with gusto. And oh were they amazing together. Impossibly, things kept getting better and better the more they learned what the other liked. Blushing at the memories, her body automatic responds to the mere suggestion of being with him, moisture gathering between her thighs accompanied by a tingling in her breasts and a fluttering in her stomach. She is not even close to being done with him. And oh how her body misses his. It's been five days since his family returned – the longest five days she can remember. They've managed to grab a cup of coffee here and there, but they haven't spent any quality time together. And she won't be able to see him that way for a few more days yet.

As great as it all felt, she can't help but wonder about the frisson of unease that catches her at odd moments, her anxiety increasing the longer they're apart. She knows he's not coming into the precinct this week in order to work on his deadline. That and he can't seem to keep his hands off her. They haven't figured out how to keep everyone else from seeing what's going on with them, so they've decided to avoid it with one of those short, periodic breaks he sometimes takes in order to write. But she misses him, more than she thought possible.

Before all of this, she knew she was attracted to him. If she was being honest with herself, she'd been attracted even when he was just a picture on the back of the book. But she never expected for him to make her feel so….so...so much!

As she prepares for her day, the worry returns. What was she thinking? How could she let herself get into this situation? He's way out of her league. Sure, what they've been doing is fun, but what's she going to do when he gets tired of her? Ugh, she's a mess. She can't sleep when he's with her and she can't sleep when he's away – although for entirely different reasons. Her tortured thoughts and roiling emotions have her feeling physically ill. Desperate, needing to talk to someone, she taps out a text to Lanie, hesitating a moment, almost deleting it, before she forces herself to send it.

Later, pacing, restless, she roams the precinct, waiting to catch a case even as she waits to see if Lanie's free for dinner. Thankful that Ryan and Esposito are out at the moment, she isolates herself, looking for anything to distract her from the mess that is her life.

The ding of her phone interrupts her obsessing. Lanie's available. Feeling both relieved and leery, she taps out a time and suggests her place. Lanie will help her sort this out. In the meantime, she turns to the mountain of paperwork, hoping the sheer volume will keep her busy until evening.

X X X

The knock on her door startles her. Lost in her thoughts, time got away from her, again. Getting up, she checks and confirms its Lanie before opening the door and letting her in. She greets her with a smile and a hug, thankful for a night in with her friend. Knowing the routine, Lanie hangs her coat up and kicks off her shoes as Kate heads into the kitchen, pouring her a glass of wine. Taking a few minutes, they peruse their delivery options before calling for a pizza from the place around the corner.

Lanie watches Kate closely as she goes through the motions of ordering their dinner. She'd heard from Esposito that something was off with Kate, but she hadn't believed it. Now, getting her first good look at her since she examined her in the ambulance, she can't help but feel that Esposito was onto something.

Kate looks…different. She smiles easily at times, brief flashes of joy peeking through even as dark circles rim her eyes, a slightly drawn expression on her face. She moves smoothly, loosely, a new fluidity to her movements. She's always been graceful, but her grace is somehow enhanced. But she's more jumpy, almost nervous. Unable to put her finger on what's going on, Lanie starts to worry, wondering what has Kate so out of sorts.

"Honey, are you okay?" Lanie finally asks.

Kate abruptly halts what she was doing, eyes going wide, as she focuses back on Lanie, almost as if she'd forgotten she was there. Stalling for time, uncertain how to begin or what to say, Kate takes a big sip of her wine, watching Lanie watching her.

As the silence stretches, Lanie's concern grows. "You're scaring me Kate. Did something happen? Did you get some bad news?"

Eyes filling with tears, Kate shakes her head no, even as she struggles to take a deep breath and answer Lanie. A single tear slips down her cheek, escaping despite her desperate struggle to hold it back. Hastily wiping it away, she tries to reassure Lanie. Her emotions are all over the place. It's a testimony to their friendship and her need to figure things out that she allows Lanie see her like this.

"No, no. Nothing like that. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I know I'm a mess but I don't even know where to begin. Everything's just so…"

Concerned, Lanie acts without thinking and pulls her into a hug. "Shh. Honey, it's okay. Whatever it is, I'm here. I'll help you. Just take a deep breath and take a moment. I can wait until you figure out what it is you want to say." Patting her back reassuringly, she feels Kate hold on tightly for a moment. After a few deep breaths, she pulls back, looking a little calmer.

Sitting back, Lanie watches Kate as various emotions flit across her face, her brows drawing together in what looks like confusion.

She gives Lanie a watery smile, heart pounding, as she opens the door to the discussion she needs to have. "I, uh, I took your advice."

Thinking back, at first Lanie can't figure out what Kate means. She gives a lot of advice. Reflecting, she thinks back to their last few conversations. So what…..? Oh! Oh my God! Did she mean? Squeeing like a fangirl inside, she wants to jump up and down but knows that is not what Kate needs right now.

"You mean…Castle?" she asks tentatively, disbelief and a hint of something more coloring her tone. She's been pushing those two at each other for years. Could they have possibly?

Seeing the blush suffusing Kate's face, her guess is confirmed as Kate nods her head.

"Yep. Castle." Kate confirms. Relief in her voice as she finally tells someone what she can't really believe herself, her emotions ping ponging all over the place.

"Oh my God! What happened? When did this….? What did you….? What happened?" Thinking about Kate's tears, she backtracks. "You don't look too happy about this. What happened? Was it awful? Did he do something to hurt you?" Lanie goes from happy to mad and protective in an instant. "I'm gonna have to smack him if he hurt you." She finishes, unable to believe things are already messed up.

"No, Lanie. No. Nothing like that. God, I'm so bad at this." She admits, knowing she needs to explain. "Let me back up."

"It started eight days ago. Right after the bombing case. I can't believe it was only eight days ago." thinking back, smiling now, she gets over her reticence, takes a deep breath and explains.

"So you know all about what happened in the freezer – the near death thing, anyway. I heard what you said that night. I knew you were right. I knew I needed to take a chance. And I'd never really thought of us having already been in a relationship, but we were. You were right about that. But I never expected to act on your advice so soon. The next day, when Castle pulled the wires from the bomb, we were both just so excited and relieved. We went from hugging each other to kissing each other. And it was even better than the first time. I couldn't ignore it anymore. After we took care of all the paperwork, I invited him over. He came over that night…and didn't leave for three days."

Blushing again, remembering everything they'd done during that time, the satisfied look returns to her face, the residual glow from their time together shining through all the fatigue and worry. Suddenly Kate's altered appearance makes complete sense to Lanie.

"Oh. My. God. You and Richard Castle!" she exclaims. "You had that boy every way you could think of, didn't you!" Lanie crows, delighted.

"Lanie!" Kate screams, embarrassed, proud, a million emotions flying through her.

"If you must know, I did!" she finally reveals, her face beat red even as she laughs, unable to contain her glee, knowing her friend is happy for her. "And he's no boy, let me tell you. He is all man!"

Laughing, hugging her, Lanie pulls back. "So if he's all that, why were you sitting here looking like you lost your last friend when I walked in?" Looking in Kate's eyes, she sees the mirth recede, replaced again by the turbulent emotions rolling through her.

"I don't know Lanie. I don't know what we're doing. I mean, he's great. And we're great together, really great together. Like, best I've ever had great together. But it just seems too perfect, you know? Like, what is he even doing with me? Look at his life. And I'm just….We're really different people and we just don't make any sense. I just can't see this working."

"Oh, Kate, sweetie, don't do this to yourself." Lanie admonishes. "Honey, I know you are scared. You've been fighting this thing with him for years. And now that you've finally given in, you're already looking for a way out. You need to relax and let yourself just enjoy him. He cares for you Kate. Any fool can see that. You need to give this a chance and see if it works before you pack up and head for the hills. Just take it one day at a time."

Swallowing over the lump in her throat, Kate looks at Lanie. Is that what she's doing? Is she trying to sabotage this and run as fast and as far as she can? Considering Lanie's words, she realizes she's right. She's scared. She's looking for trouble where none exists.

Nodding her head, she looks at Lanie. "Maybe you're right. "

"Maybe? Of course I'm right. Look, Kate. I know you. You don't let people in easily. And he found a way past your defenses long before you guys took this step. Remember that summer he went to the Hamptons? Your response to that setback was to hide yourself away and then lose yourself in a nowhere relationship with Josh. And we all know you never gave that man half the chance he deserved."

"But, Lanie—"

"I know, I know. I'm not suggesting he was the right one for you. In fact, I know he wasn't. But he was safe. You could keep your distance with him and say you were in a relationship without risking anything. But you can't do that with Castle. And that scares you. I don't blame you – risking your heart is a scary business. But how long are you going to hide from yourself?"

"This is just so hard. I never thought it would be this hard." Looking at Lanie, she sees understanding and support in her gaze. "He just makes me feel so – so much. Sometimes I feel like my body can't contain everything it's feeling."

"Look, why don't you try to relax a little. Don't force it but don't run away from it either. Just give it a chance and see what happens. You know you want to."

"You're right. I know you're right. I'm just freaking out. I just don't want to mess this up. It's too important."

Nodding, Lanie sees just how scared Kate is. She sees the problem clearly. Kate's already in love with him. She just doesn't realize it. And Lanie's not going to be the one to point it out because she'll surely find a way to end it if she realizes it at this point. Kate is not one to risk her heart. It's no wonder she's freaking out. Her subconscious already realizes what she can't admit to herself.

"So, are you guys going public with this?"

"What? No. Definitely not. In fact, you can't tell anyone. Not even Espo." Thinking about all that she's revealed, she decides its time change the subject.

"Not a problem. You know I've got your back."

"Speaking of Espo, what's going on with you two? And don't give me that look. I have two eyes. Castle and I aren't the only ones keeping secrets."

Sighing, knowing Kate's right, Lanie gets a smug look on her face. "Let's just say that you're not the only one feeling that glow these days. I have no complaints where he's concerned….that man has talent." Lanie begins, getting ready to seriously dish about her love life.

Hearing a knock at the door, Kate quickly gets up and takes care of the pizza delivery. As soon as the door closes, Lanie begins spilling, providing far more detail than Kate's willing to share. Laughing, doling out the pizza and wine freely, the two settle in for some serious girl talk. And if they discuss a few new ways to torture their guys, so be it. Thank god for friends, Kate thinks, relaxing for what feels like the first time in days.