CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: Jealousy

It's ridiculous. He knows it's ridiculous. But he's impotent with jealousy. Over a dead man.

Before they were together, he didn't know anything about Royce. When he suddenly showed up, Castle was equally curious and jealous. Curious because Royce provided insight to a young Kate Beckett. Jealous because he clearly meant a lot to her, even if she denied it. And more, he brought out a lighter, freer version of Kate that Rick has rarely seen but always knew must exist. The woman he sometimes glimpses when they're alone together.

Looking back, he knows he felt threatened by Royce. Because he sensed Beckett's feelings for the man went deep. And their joint experiences bonded them in a familiar way that he couldn't compete with. He knows all too well the hold your first love has over you. And he is almost certain that Royce was her first true love.

That former jealousy had quickly waned and turned to anger when he realized that Royce had betrayed her trust. His protective instincts had kicked in and he put aside any feelings of inadequacy in order to provide the backup and sounding board she needed. And they moved on, together.

Things have been amazing the last few months. But he sees the turmoil she's feeling over Royce's death. Her emotions are ping-ponging all over the place. And she's shutting down. Shutting him out. Removing herself physically and emotionally. And he doesn't know how to stop it.

So now he's back to feeling an overwhelming sense of jealousy. Before, he'd suspected that Beckett had been in love with Royce and he'd felt wounded. The fact that she might still be in love with him threatens him beyond reason. Because he desperately wants her love and he's not sure she'll ever be able to fully give it to him.

So it's true. He's jealous of a dead man. Royce is dead. Even though he hurts for her, part of him feels relieved. And that makes him feel petty. He's relieved he doesn't have to compete with Royce for her time. But it's harder to compete with a memory than a flesh and blood man who makes mistakes. So he worries. His heart aches. He's terrified that he's losing her. And he doesn't know how to stop it from happening.

The look on her face when she viewed Royce's body confirmed Castle's worst fears. She loved him. Was maybe even in love with him. She won't talk about it. Won't let him in. And now she's cast herself in the role of avenger. She is about to embark on a quest to bring Royce's killer to justice, similar to the quest that's driven her after her mother's killer.

She's beyond reason, beyond regulation. She's defying orders. Emotions are driving her. With every defiant step she's proving, without a doubt, that Royce holds a special place in her heart. A place Castle desperately wants to be.

His love for her won't let her go it alone. But his jealousy is tearing him apart. He wants to confront her, demand that she tell him what he means to her. And declare his feelings for her. More, he wants to declare to the world that she's his. He wants to brand her and never let her go. He wants to tell her everything he feels.

Instinctively, he knows it's a mistake. If he were to push her now he'd likely lose her forever. So he can only stand by. Show up. Continue to take what she's willing to give and offer all that he is. And try to hide his desperation. He feels it rising in him during every hug, every kiss. He knows he needs to be strong and trust that there is more between them. That she can feel his love for her. And that she can trust what they've started to build together.

Looking over at the seat beside him, he watches Kate sleep as they fly towards L.A. He's not there because she asked him. She did the opposite, hiding her intent. He's there only because he tricked her, followed her, upgraded her seat and showed up after she had the ability to send him away. So now they fly into the unknown in L.A.. Towards vengeance and justice. For Royce. Castle prays for strength and wisdom and the ability to hold her close and safe, even as he feels her slipping away. And hopes, desperately, that she'll somehow reassure him that she has room in her heart for him.