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Chapter 17

"And I don't want the world to see me

Coz I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's meant to be broken

I just want you to know who I am"

~ Iris by Goo Goo Dolls

Jane was rounding the car they pulled out from the warehouse yesterday, looking for traces and evidence. So far, all they got was strands of hair and a crumpled picture. A family picture of the Sullivans. They bagged it all up including all the other nonsense things they found inside the car. All of them were all lined up for processing. They even saw dried blood on the car carpet and well according to Maura who refused to acknowledge it, is a reddish-brown stain. Jane smirked as she remembered the first time those words left Maura's lips. Oh, how long those years had gone.

Now, sitting on one of the tables in the morgue, Jane watched Maura does her job on their latest victim Peter James. Making Y-incision on the dead body, Jane is still amazed at how precise and delicate Maura's hands are. She now wondered what else could Maura's delicate and soft hands could do. Her breath hitched and face flushed at the first image that came to her mind. She's having dirty thoughts about Maura while she sat at the autopsy table watching that very person in her mind. As if sensing the sudden change in Jane's mood, Maura looked up and saw the flustered look on her detective. Frowning, Maura walked towards Jane and studied her closely.

"Jane?" Maura called but the detective didn't hear her. "Jane!"

Pulling out from her thoughts, Jane's eyes landed on Maura's face who is only inches away from her. It only made her blush even more. "Maura..."

"Are you okay? You look all flustered." Maura's frown deepen.

"I'm... I'm okay. No worries." Jane stammered.

"Are you sure? Coz I was calling you and you didn't seem to hear me. Is there a problem, Jane?" Now, worry is evident in the doctor's voice.

Jane gave Maura a reassuring smile. She put a hand on Maura's shoulder and pulled the doctor closer to her. By doing so, Maura's forehead was met by Jane's soft lips. Maura leaned on the touch. She wanted more from that simple touch but thought better of it.

"We shouldn't be really doing this in the workplace," Maura mumbled and moved a little from Jane. The detective understood.

Jane hopped off the table. "Well, I guess I should be going then. Let me know when you find something, alright? I'll see you at lunch."

Before Jane could fully turn her back from Maura, the doctor grabbed her by the arm and spun her around until their lips met for a quick peck. "I'll see you at lunch, detective."

"Sneaky," Jane mumbled and grinned as she exited the morgue.

Entering the bullpen with a smile plastered on her face, Korsak noticed the happy mood emanating from his partner. He never saw her smile that big and he wondered what made the rough Jane Rizzoli smile.

"Happy morning, Jane?"

Jane turned her focus on Korsak, still smiling. What could she do? She couldn't get out the memory of what Maura did in the morgue earlier. And if time and place would permit them, they would be making out intensely now like horny teenagers.

"Yeah," Jane answered dreamily.

"What made you so happy today?"

"Well, let's just say that I woke up in the right side of the bed today," Jane replied as she sat on her chair and gazed at her monitor, her thoughts never leaving Maura and the kiss she delivered to her in the morgue.

Korsak knew something has changed in Jane. He already noticed it since yesterday morning when Jane entered the bullpen all smiles even if she was late. And as a keen detective, as he was, Korsak could say that something has shifted between Jane's and Maura's relationship. He knew it was for good because Jane wouldn't smile like this if it wasn't. He just hopes that he will see that smile on his partner's face until the day he leaves the world. Jane suffered already a lot in the past. She deserves to be happy. And he knew that there's only one person that could make the tough detective happy. Korsak wasn't one to pry. And he will not start now. So if he saw something changed in Jane, he just kept it to himself.

Jane noticed Korsak was observing her. He knew something was up. Well, not that she's hiding everything. Maybe everything was just too obvious with the way she talks and moves since yesterday.

Jane looked up and met Korsak's gaze. "Hey, Korsak."

"Yeah?"

"You're uh... you're aware of the rumors and gossips about me and Maura, are you?" Jane looked down and waited for Korsak to respond. But when he didn't, she looked up again and saw a soft smile on the old man's face.

"Yes. I am aware. But I promise you I'm not one of those people spreading rumors and gossips." Korsak raised up both his hands in defense.

Jane smiled and nodded. "I know. I know you wouldn't do that behind our backs."

"Are you saying that you two are dating now?" Korsak inquired.

Jane looked down, then shrugged. "What if I plan to?" Her cheeks suddenly flushed red.

Korsak watched Jane if she's making fun of him or just teasing but when she saw the uneasy look on Jane, Korsak figured it out so he flashed an understanding smile when Jane met his gaze.

"I'm still sticking to it. No judgment, Jane. Whatever you and the doc plan, it's none of my business and I'd be happy for both of you. And thank you for trusting me on this. I know it's a huge step for you opening up."

Jane smiled at Korsak. "You're family."

"Hey, Maura is a good person and she's good for you. If you two end up together, I'd be thrilled. And I'd want for my two friends to be happy."

"Yeah, thanks. I just don't know how to do this thing, you know. I suck at relationships." Jane sighed.

"You're asking for advice from the man who married three times?" Korsak chuckled. "Hey, Jane. You and Maura have been doing great in the past years. You did a lot of things together. Just do the things that are natural for both of you. I actually envy you two because you are so synchronized. Maybe that's the reason why people are talking about you. You actually looked like a couple."

Jane's cheeks flushed red again. "Are we really that obvious?"

Korsak chuckled again. "God, I hope Frost is here to witness you blushing."

They fell silent.

"I guess he could see it right now. And I do have a feeling that he also observed what you observed." Jane said.

"He also wants you both to be happy."

Their peaceful lunch at Maura's office was cut short when their phones rang simultaneously. They knew what it meant. Homicide. Reluctantly, they got up and headed outside the building. They used Maura's car and followed the direction the operation told them. It was in Boston Common. The looked at each other, thinking the same thing.

As they neared the scene, Jane's heart began to drum quickly. She had this nagging feeling that someone she knew died. She was trying hard to ease off the thought but it wouldn't go away. Good thing, Maura insisted on driving this time so she won't be able to commit reckless movements. They parked near the car. Korsak and Frankie were already there as they both approached. Jane didn't know she was holding her breath for a long time.

Eyes narrowed and breath hitched upon seeing who is lying on the floor. Instinctively, Maura put a protective arm on Jane's shoulder and squeezed the detective tighter. She knew how hard it would be for Jane.

Jane felt dizzy. She felt nauseous and wanted to vomit at that moment. She had a nagging feeling, yes. But she tried hard to shake the thought away but then again, she failed. She turned her back. She couldn't do it. And she heard that familiar voice screaming.

"You're a liar!" The accusation was directed to Jane. Pair of angry eyes were staring at her. "You told me you would protect him but you didn't!" Dinah screamed.

Jane wanted to run but she found her legs not moving. She just stared shock at the woman in front her. The woman she used to talk. The woman whom by far gave her cryptic messages but full of sense. Fear. Pain. Anger. Disappointment. Those were the things Jane saw in the other woman's eyes. But disappointment wasn't the one Jane is used to seeing reflected in one's eyes. And it cut deep in her heart.

"You promised you would protect him! I shouldn't have convinced him to talk to you if I'd known..." Dinah trailed off.

Jane wasn't able to hear what Dinah said as she found herself running away from the scene. The only thing she heard was that distinct voice of Maura calling her name. Begging for her to stay. But she didn't.

Maura was agitated all throughout her examination of Michael Hanson's body. Her thoughts were centered on Jane. After the outburst of Dinah, the police finally got her out of the scene. Maura's heart broke for Dinah and for the boy who put a light in their investigation. And her heart broke for Jane who has to go through hell again. She didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve to be treated that way. Somehow, Maura felt a little anger towards Dinah for making Jane feel that way. Jane was already feeling hurt when she saw Michael lying on the ground, lifeless. Maura was sure of it. Why does Dinah have to add fuel to Jane's pain?

Standing up, Maura put out her gloves from her hands. She met Korsak's gaze. "I need to find Jane."

Korsak nodded. "Go. We got this. Find her. She needs you."

As if on cue, Maura's people gathered the body from the ground and loaded it into the van. Maura fished her phone and frantically dialed Jane's number. It rang to her relief but Jane didn't answer. Maura expected it. Jane wanted to be alone but Maura won't let her. Jane had been alone for so long she needed someone right now by her side. And Maura wanted to be the person. Getting inside her car, she turned on the ignition and dialed Jane's number again. And as expected, Jane didn't answer again. She's beginning to worry. Hell, she had been worried while she was examining the body a while ago. She should've followed Jane the moment she ran off. But she has work to do she couldn't leave. And now, her mind is starting to gear with places she thought where Jane could go. She thought of the Dirty Robber. But then, Angela's there. There's no way Jane would go there and have her mother bomb her with questions like 'what on earth is she doing there in the middle of the day.' She also thought of Jane's apartment, still no. Jane wouldn't succumb to the loneliness of her place with only Jo Friday as her company. Then the precinct. No. Jane would never let herself be seen by her colleagues crumble. So she was left with only one place she could think of. And Maura hopes she's right.

After almost thirty minutes of driving towards her destination, Maura found herself walking on the grass. It's a little hard walking because she's wearing heels but she didn't mind now that her instinct was right as she found the very person she was looking for.

She found Jane sitting in front of her former partner's grave, head hung low. Maura's heart broke at the sight. Jane was hurting inside. Carefully, the doctor approached Jane and squatted beside her. Jane looked up and met Maura's gaze. Dried tears visible in her eyes.

"Maura..." Jane mumbled as she felt her throat constricted as a lump formed in it.

Maura didn't say anything. At a time like this, there are no words that could make Jane's pain go away. She couldn't tell her that everything will be fine because there's no way that Michael Hanson's life will be resurrected. No. Instead, Maura did what she thought could be best for Jane. She gathered the hurt detective in her arms and let the other woman leaned on her warmth and protectiveness. Maura will try to shield Jane away from all the pain she was feeling.

Jane clung to Maura as if her life depended on her. She never felt the need to be in someone's arms in her entire life until now. When she was engulfed in the doctor's protective arms, Jane finally felt some tension eased in her body. She molded her body against Maura's. She let the doctor hold her and see her in this vulnerable state. After all, Maura was the only one who has seen her break down. It was always Maura. When Maura kissed her on top of her head, she finally felt at peace.

"I'm here now."

After they paid their respect at Frost's grave and stayed for a little while, Maura drove them in Jane's apartment. Jane was reluctant at first and told Maura that she will keep on working but resigned when the doctor didn't budge.

As she settled on her couch, Maura sat beside her and handed her a bottle of beer. Jane frowned, wondering if Maura was tricking her but she saw the seriousness in those deep hazel eyes, she accepted it.

"Maura, you have work to do. You don't have to stay here." Jane said as she sipped on her beer.

"I notified Susie and Vince that I will conduct the autopsy tomorrow morning."

"Maura..."

"I won't leave you, Jane. Not now." Maura cut her off firmly. "If you're not comfortable with me being here, just pretend I'm not here."

Jane smiled weakly. "I won't do that to you."

"I'll make something for us to eat," Maura said as she stood up, leaving Jane with her own thoughts. Thoughts that she's not a part of. Jane, feeling tired didn't protest at Maura's offer and let the doctor do the deed.

She failed Dinah. She failed Michael. She wasn't able to protect the young boy. If she couldn't protect him, how could she protect the other important people in her life? Her Ma, Frankie, Korsak, and Maura. Maura. How can she protect that one person that meant a lot to her? Who is she kidding? She's not strong enough to protect Maura and she dragged the beautiful doctor in her dangerous life. Who is she kidding? She won't be able to keep the doctor safe.

Her thoughts were interrupted when Maura came back with a sandwich with her. Maura placed the plate on the coffee table and studied Jane beside her. Her heart broke at the sight. The usually intimidating and confident detective turned into a mess.

With her head still bowed down, Jane felt Maura's hands on both sides of her cheeks and she lifted it so their eyes would meet. "What are you thinking?" Maura asked gently.

'Why are you still with me when I'm nothing but a failure?' Jane wanted to tell that to Maura but thought better of it. She didn't need pity. She didn't need Maura to show pity on her though she knows that Maura would never do that. She needed understanding. Something that she saw in Maura's soft eyes when she looked at them.

"Thank you," Jane mumbled.

Maura leaned in and gave Jane's forehead a kiss then to her lips. "Don't ever blame yourself for what happened. What she said isn't true, you hear me?"

Jane smiled at Maura, not convinced. "You know, it's weird. Sometimes I wonder if your brain is programmed to Jane Rizzoli moments just like this."

Maura frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You just have this ability to know what I was thinking."

"So it means that you're really blaming yourself for what happened? You believed what Dinah told you?"

Jane let out a heavy breath. "I'm a failure, Maura."

"No. It isn't true. Why would you believe her? She doesn't even know you. She just knew you for a while but she doesn't know you like I do. She doesn't know how loyal, how caring, how loving, how protective, and how brave you are. Believe me when I say those things because that's what I saw in you. I'm not saying this because these are the things you want to hear. No. I'm saying this because they are true."

Jane reached for Maura's cheek and grazed it gently. "You're a good person Maura."

"And so are you. And I know you will catch whoever did this." Maura said as she grabbed Jane's hand on her cheek and kissed its palm.

"Thank you for bringing me here. But is it okay if I rest? Will it be okay if you leave me here?"

"Jane..."

"Please Maura. I need this. I just want to process things."

"Promise me you'll call when you need something?"

"Yes."

"Promise me you won't do something reckless?"

"I promise."

"Okay."

They shared a kiss after that. Though it's just chaste and nothing intense, they still felt the connection in that small kiss. Maura reluctantly pulled away from Jane to give her what she needs. But she still did it anyway if that's the way Jane could recuperate from the turn of events. She left Jane after a minute or so. But if only Maura knew what would have happened next, she would never agree to leave Jane in the first place. If only she knew.