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Chapter 18

"She's always been there for me

Whenever I've fallen

When nobody else believes

She'll be there by my side

I don't know how she takes it

Just once, I'd like to make it

Then there'll be tears of joy

That fill her loving eyes"

~ When She Cries by Restless Heart

Jane spent that entire night punching the dummy bag Frost and Korsak gave her several years ago until she felt tired. She tried to let out all her frustrations, hurt, and anger towards herself. Maura calmed her down earlier, but when the doctor left, all the mixed feelings resurfaced again. And that's when she started hitting the dummy bag. When she felt tired enough, she showered and let herself into a dreamless sleep.

It's almost a week since that fateful day happened. Maura barely spends time with Jane. All her invitations to go out for drinks, movie dates, dinner, or even lunch were declined. Jane buried herself on the case to catch the killer. They never even talked. Well, they did, only if it was job-related. But nothing more aside from that. Maura was starting to get worried about Jane. About her health. About her emotional state. She's withdrawing again. She's withdrawing from everyone, especially from her. And she's starting to hate it. It's like they were back in their old situation prior to before they confessed their feelings when Jack was still in the picture. Maura wanted to talk to her but she couldn't get through to Jane. After all, Jane never made time for her. If only she knew that this would happen, Maura will never leave Jane's apartment that fateful day. If only she knew.

Maura found herself one Friday night, nursing her chamomile tea in her kitchen, thinking about Jane all over again. This had been her favorite past time when she's not doing anything. Worrying and thinking about the unreachable detective of hers. She had been spending almost half of hour in that same position when Angela came in.

"Maura..." Angela softly greeted.

Maura looked up and gave the older woman a weak smile. "Hey, Angela."

Angela made a move closer to the doctor. "Are you alright, honey?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I'm just finishing this cup of my tea."

"Is...Jane alright? Have you talked to her already?"

Maura bowed down her head and let out a heavy sigh. "No. I think she's avoiding me. I tried talking to her even inviting her to lunch, dinner, and movies. Those things we usually do but she declined all. I'm worried about her Angela. And I'm worried that..." Maura swallowed hard. "that she will leave me. And we won't be talking anymore."

"Don't say that. It won't happen."

"How can you say that?" Maura met Angela's gaze.

"I could ask the same thing to you, you know." Angela smiled a little. "But let's face it, no matter what happens, Jane will always come back to you. My Janie will always come back. She may be having a hard time now, but I know she'll get through it."

"Maybe you're right."

"And I know there's only one person she wants to be with while she's going through something. You."

"How can you be so sure about that?"

"Maura, dear. You too don't give yourself enough credit, don't you? You're the only person she listens to. Believe when I say that. And you know, I know she struggles too much these days and she needs help. She just doesn't admit it. You know her. She doesn't like people to see her vulnerable. And I know she needs you."

Maura's eyes saddened. Of course, she also wants to help Jane. But how? She's avoiding her like she's a plague. And it feels like they're a million miles apart though they work in the same building.

"How am I suppose to help her? She shut me out. Ever since I left her in her apartment."

"You know sometimes you get what you want when you force someone." Angela winked. "I'll see you in the morning..." Angela said as she headed for the back door. "or not." She mumbled the last part.

Jane was punching her dummy again for like the third time that week. Her eyes were trained to the target object in front of her. But her mind wandered to a certain medical examiner. It's been days since they last talked. And in the past days they didn't, was because of her. It was her fault why they never got to go out like old times. Lunch, dinner, and movies. And it was her fault why Maura always walk like an empty shell when they bump to each other from time to time. And she's aware that Maura is hurting because of her. And Jane wanted to put a stop on that. But how could she fix something when she herself couldn't fix her own self? She was broken. Ever since that day happened, something inside her broke. Yes, Michael Hanson wasn't related to her neither Dinah but when she found his body, all she could think was she was a failure. She failed to protect the boy. She failed to comply with Dinah's wishes. And it hurt. And if she couldn't protect that boy, how will she be able to protect Maura?

Maura.

Jane's heart ached. Not seeing the doctor pained her. Not spending time with her tormented her. She wanted to reach out. Say sorry for being a jerk, for pulling away and pushing the doctor away. But she doesn't know how to begin. It was one of her weaknesses. Approaching and apologizing to people she hurt deeply. But she has to make a move before the one good thing in her life slipped from her own hands. She made a promise she won't run but that's what exactly what she's doing now. Not that she's running from Maura from their new relationship, but still, she's running away from her.

Jane made a big blow on the dummy then stopped. She let out a heavy sigh as she decided to turn in for the night. She removed her gloves and when she turned she was surprised to see Maura standing not too far away from her. Just then she noticed the clutter inside her apartment. Beer bottles everywhere left over boxes on the floor. It was like a big hurricane came into her apartment. But she refocused on the certain woman in front of her. The mess will have her attention later.

"Maura, how did you get in here?" She asked coldly.

"I was knocking on your door for like a hundredth time but you didn't answer. So I used my key instead. And then I saw you were busy working out so I decided not to interrupt you."

Jane just nodded then moved to the fridge and got herself a bottled water. After downing the water, she turned to Maura. "I have a wine here somewhere. I'll look for it."

Maura put a hand on her forearm and shook her head. "I don't want wine."

Jane looked down at her feet. "What do you want then?"

"I want us to talk," Maura replied softly.

There was silence in the beginning. Then Jane nodded and looked up at Maura. "Okay. But I need to shower first."

"Okay."

Jane made a move towards her bedroom and carried her necessary things to shower. When Jane finally was inside the bathroom, Maura decided to clean a little of Jane's messes. She put her purse on the counter and began picking the lined up beer bottles and the boxes and put them in the trashcan. Good thing she wore a t-shirt and sweatpants that made it easier for her to bend.

Maura followed Angela's advice of forcing Jane to talk. Not that she decided to yell or scream at the detective to talk. But she merely decided to make tonight productive by making Jane tell her her feelings. She knew it was a little wrong because Jane doesn't work that way. Jane doesn't deal with things that way. And she knows that if she tried this method, there's a possibility that Jane might pull away more from her. But Jane left her with no choice. So no matter what it costs, she will try to get in her detective's head.

Jane finished showering fifteen minutes ago but she let herself soak in the warm water of her shower as she just stood there and leaned her hand on the wall. She didn't do this for Maura to take a hint that she should leave instead. Yes, she knows they needed to talk but she didn't expect it to be tonight. She still needed time to gather her thoughts so she could properly apologize. But maybe the time ticked to Maura and the ultimatum the doctor gave her for being silent and unattentive just ran out. She sighed as she finally turned off the shower, dried herself and put on clean clothes to face Maura.

The first thing she noticed when she stepped out of the bathroom was the bottles and boxes were not on the floor anymore. They were cleaned up and Maura was already sitting properly on her couch, eyes darted forward. Jane walked on bare feet and carefully sat beside Maura. Maura didn't move and it was like she didn't notice Jane's presence. Jane took time to study Maura for a little longer.

Not taking it anymore, Jane moved closer and put a hand on Maura's thigh. "Hey."

Maura looked back at Jane and gave her a small smile. "Hi."

"You came to talk?"

Maura didn't answer at first. She just looked at Jane and studied her. She noticed some changes in the detective's body. She looked more tired and older than her current age. Dark circles are visible under eyes. And she's thinner than usual.

"I came to check up on you. To see how you are."

"I'm fine." Jane quickly replied. She removed her hand from Maura's thigh but Maura was quick to grasp it on her own.

"Talk to me," Maura said gently.

"Talk to you about what Maura? I don't know why you're here." Jane said. She immediately regretted it when she saw the hurt look on Maura's eyes. Right before she left the bathroom, she decided to make things right with Maura. But now, from the looks of it, she's making it worse. And she doesn't have any idea why she's saying things like this. She just really sucks at talking about feelings.

"You're avoiding me. I want to know what's inside in that brain of yours. What is happening?"

"Maura, don't make me do this. I don't wanna do this." Jane fixed her gaze on Maura.

"But when else Jane? When you finally finalized your plan on avoiding me?" Anger boiled in Maura's stomach. "You were avoiding me since I left you here days ago. I never wanted to leave but I respected your wishes. But what did I get in return? You pushed me away, Jane. You avoided me like I'm a plague." Maura didn't want to make it sound harsh but it did.

"I'm not avoiding you." Jane countered.

"Like hell, you're not!" Maura snapped back. "I tried reaching out to you but you neglected me. I just simply wanted to be there for you, Jane. To hold you and to be with you while you go through this. I didn't expect you to be okay. I know it won't be okay quickly like a snap of a finger." Maura breathed out. "I just simply wanted to be there for you..."

"I'm a failure, Maura!" Jane's eyes flashed dangerously at Maura. "Don't you get it? I couldn't be around you because I'm a failure! I failed him! I failed them. I don't want to fail you either."

"You're not..."

"Yes, I am, Maura. I am a failure no matter what you say. I don't actually know why you're still sticking up to me. Shouldn't you be running away from me now?"

Maura was shocked. Her eyes started brimming with tears from Jane's words. She hated crying but she couldn't hold it back either. "Do you hear yourself, Jane? You really believed you're a failure?"

"I don't know what you see in me." Jane's voice cracked from the beginning of the lump in her throat and tears forming in her eyes.

Maura moved forward and cupped Jane's cheeks. "I see beauty. Loyal. Brave. Thoughtful. And a loving woman. I don't see failure. Yes, we do fail sometimes but it doesn't mean that you're a failure."

Jane wiped her tears that flowed freely on her face. Fucking tears betrayed her. "You don't know what it feels like to let a person down."

The anger boiled once again in Maura's stomach. "Yes, I do know. I do know very well. When I saw you shot yourself. When I saw you jumped off the bridge, do you know what it felt like for me? I felt I let you down as a friend. I wasn't able to get to you in time. It felt like I was just standing by, watching you die. That's what it felt like. I felt I let you down over and over again."

"It wasn't on you. Those things weren't on you."

"Neither this is on you." Maura let out a breath, anger finally dissipated from her body. "It's not your fault that he died, Jane. It's not your fault you couldn't protect him. You're not invincible Jane. You're not a superwoman who would be able to do things at the same time. You're human." Another wave of tears flowed down Jane's cheeks. Maura is right. She's not invincible. She's not Wonder Woman who can save everyone. Hell, even Wonder Woman failed sometimes. Right? Right. But the guilt is still there. It's eating her.

Jane removed Maura's hands from her cheeks and stood up. She made a move and stopped in front of her bedroom door. Her back facing Maura. Maura stood up as well just right behind Jane. She didn't touch her. She didn't say a word. She just waited for Jane's next action.

"How am I going to protect you if I couldn't protect just one young boy's life?" Jane asked as she choked back her tears.

"Is this what's all this about? That you wouldn't be able to protect me?" Maura asked gently. "I don't need protection, Jane. I'm not expecting you to be strong for me all the time. It doesn't work that way, Jane and you know it. We need to give and take. I'm expecting you to be human."

Jane wiped her eyes again with the back of her hand. God, she really hated crying and it feels like her tears won't stop anytime soon. "What do you want from me, Maur?"

Finally, there is that nickname again. Her detective is coming back slowly. Maura closed the remaining gap between them and wrapped her arms around Jane's waist. Her head rested on the back of Jane's neck. Jane welcomed the gesture. Her heart began to race back to normal and her body slowly relaxed. Maura is the only one who has this kind of effect on her.

"I want you to let me in. I want you to share everything not only your happiness but also your misery and pain. I want all of them. I want us to work out. But we won't be able to do it if you're not letting me in. Please let me in." Maura mumbled. She finally let her tears flow freely.

"I'm sorry." Jane sobbed. "I'm sorry for being a jerk."

Maura tightened her grip around Jane's waist. "Shh. There's nothing to be forgiven about."

Jane sobbed harder. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

"Stay. Please stay."

Maura nodded. A smile was formed on her lips for the first time since Jane avoided her. "I will. I promise."

They didn't sleep right after they settled in Jane's bed. They just laid there, wide awake, staring at each other's face. They held hands while they communicated through their eyes. Lots of touching performed between them. Hands roaming through the other's body. Intense kisses were shared but they didn't get further than that. They were just trying to memorize the feel and the taste of each other. They missed each other. Spending almost a week away from each other made them crave and do things they never did before. But they felt contented with what they had. They didn't talk. They just let their hearts fill the silence and say the things they wanted to say. They were good at that.

A few hours after, Jane finally succumbed to sleep. She snuggled closer to Maura who in return acted as the big spoon between them. And as for Maura, she still couldn't go to sleep. She silently watched Jane as she sleeps peacefully against her body. Maura absentmindedly stroke Jane's hair, thinking about their conversation earlier. Clearly, Jane is hurt. Dinah's words got through her head.

"What did they ever do to you, beautiful girl?" Maura mumbled on Jane's top of the head and placed a kiss on it. "You didn't deserve to go through this. Please let me take away your pain." Maura tightened her embrace on Jane as she closed her eyes and rested her head on top of Jane's head, finally drifting off to sleep.

Jane was the first to wake up the following morning. It was Saturday. Meaning it's her and Maura's day off. She tried to move but found that she couldn't. And when she finally opened her eyes, she immediately knew why. Maura was snuggled close to her. The doctor's right arm was wrapped around her waist. Her one leg draped over hers. And as it turned out, Jane became the big spoon during their sleep. The last thing she remembered last night before drifting off to sleep was, Maura was the one holding her and not the other way around. And why they ended up in this position? She doesn't know why. But it felt perfect.

Last night.

Jane remembered how Maura approached her. How she managed to talk about things with her. How the doctor was finally able to calm her down. And how Maura promised throughout her lines that she will be there for her no matter what. Jane smiled at the thought. She almost believed that she lost Maura for being a jerk. But Maura convinced her otherwise. God, how did she get lucky to have someone like Maura on her side?

Jane took time looking at Maura. She looked so peaceful. Vulnerable. And yet, beautiful. This is one of the rare times that Jane sees Maura without makeup. She doesn't look like the fancy woman she known. She doesn't look like the Chief Medical Examiner who commanded her people with confidence. Today, she's just simply Maura. And Jane felt lucky enough to witness this kind of rare moment.

Shifting on her pot, Jane tucked blonde strands from Maura's face. She leaned in forward and placed a kiss on Maura's lips. Upon doing so, Maura started to stir and rubbed off the sleep from her eyes.

"Good morning," Jane greeted.

"Hey," Maura mumbled. "How long have you been awake?"

"Long enough to stare at you." Jane grinned as she saw the blush on Maura's cheeks.

They stared at each other for a moment. Neither wanted to move. And if only breathing air isn't necessary, they wouldn't breathe that moment. Jane lifted her hand and caressed Maura's cheeks.

"You stayed," Jane said after a while.

"I told you I'll stay. I won't leave you. Not this time."

"Why?" Jane asked as she looked at Maura's eyes lovingly. "Why did you stay after all this time?"

"You're really asking me that?" Maura sighed. "You are my best friend. My very best friend. And I believed in you. And I love you." She didn't mean to say the last part but she did. Her eyes narrowed at her own admission.

Jane stopped what she was doing. The world has stopped. Even her breathing. She didn't expect Maura to say that. Neither talked after that. And Maura's getting worried that she have gone too far. After all, they just started figuring things out.

"Maura, I..." Jane began.

Maura interrupted her by placing her forefinger on her lips. "You don't have to say anything, yet. I'm just letting you know."

Jane kissed the finger on her lips. And as she removed it, she kissed Maura on the lips in a slow sweet kiss. When they opened her eyes, Maura has the biggest smile Jane had ever seen. Maura didn't need words because she can feel what Jane wanted to say.

"Will you escape with me?" Jane asked expectantly.

No hesitation. No second thoughts as Maura replied, "Yes."