Chapter 3: Grieving
Rachel was not herself for some months. The physician had said that her Father's heart had failed. They'd known he was weak for a while, but she was still riddled with guilt. She remembered her prophetic wish, her cruel words. She had been so insensitive to his pain. Yet her Father had always been available to her. He had shut down after her mother's death but with her he had still tried; even if the spark in his eyes had dulled. She could have done so much more. She could have gone riding with him, played chess with him. Instead accepted his retreat and drawn away in turn.
George was a much-needed support for her in those days. He was the only one she would see for the first week after her Father's passing. And it was him who finally coaxed her to attend a small picnic with friends two months later as the weather began to warm. Everybody was very sympathetic, but Rachel could tell they didn't understand. Nobody understood, except maybe George, who had also lost his parents.
Rachel's Aunt had moved down from London to act as her 'guardian' as her father's will had specified. As if she needed it. She'd have much preferred if it were just her and George, but instead her Aunt was always around; changing little details in the house and ordering about her staff. Rachel had never been fond of Aunt Mary who she thought of as critical, judgemental and boring.
Her Aunt didn't care about the latest fashions and was always having political discussions. Aunt Mary worked all day on her pamphlets, holding women's meetings and giving lectures to the middle classes. She was widowed and, from what Rachel had heard, her husband hadn't been very interesting or important either. No doubt it was a pleasure for her Aunt to live in their big house on their large estate, even if she didn't appreciate her Father's connections.
But a youthful spirit, especially one as lively as Rachel's, will recover from even the most devastating of blows. Soon Rachel was able to feign her old gaiety until finally, she found it wasn't hard to pretend anymore. As Rachel entered her sixteenth year, she was perhaps a little less rash and a little more thoughtful but, in essence, she was unchanged and just as selfish as ever. She flatly refused to return to any type of senior college as urged by her aunt. If a governess could teach her during holidays why couldn't she teach her during the school term too? Besides, her friends weren't going to any senior academy and father had left her plenty of money to hire multiple governesses if she wanted. She ignored her Aunt's lectures on the need for young women to take advantage of the educational opportunities available to them and to forge a path for equality. Despite countless arguments her Aunt could do nothing to dissuade her and at last compromised, allowing Rachel to be tutored by governesses if she agreed to study enough to pass exams for admission to the next year. Despite vociferous protests from Rachel and many tears, an agreement was finally struck. And luckily, Rachel's father had managed to instil one principle in Rachel - when you made an agreement you saw it through.