"Cas... It will be fine, I promise, angel. I'll be here every Saturday from dawn until dusk. You just gotta keep fighting."
Check in was a pain. Medication records and family history. It hurt every moment when Dean looked over at Castiel. The agony burned brightly on his face, like each wrinkle next to his eyes was just another memory he couldn't erase.
"Mr. Winchester?" Dean whipped his head to the front desk. Castiel was distracting.
"Sorry, what else do we need?"
"If you would like, you can have phone call with the patient 2 nights a week. Would you like that?"
A small spark struck Dean's eye, "Of course!"
"You did say he can't speak though, right?"
"Won't speak," Dean said in a slightly angered tone, "he's capable of whatever he wants."
The woman just nodded coldly, "Well here is his room number. Please help Casti..."
"Castiel," Dean said assertively, "like the angel."
"Castiel. Please help Castiel settle in."
"Will do."
Dean was lining up many of Castiel's favorite books on the small shelf beside his bed. A Dog's Purpose, obviously, followed by some other Castiel classics such as The Luster of Lost Things, and Icarus at the Edge of Time. Not all of the many books they had read were there, only the ones that really mattered. Maybe they were read during a particularly hard moment, or an old copy Dean read when he was little. Mostly though, they just needed to take both reader and listener somewhere other than their current world. It didn't have to be crazy, just not feel like life today.
Cas' room was, well... a hospital room. It was mostly white, had a painting of flowers, and a small TV in the corner that was barely visible. So yeah, a hospital room.
Cas hadn't moved from his spot in the doorway. The room seemed to completely scare him lifeless, understandably so. There was nothing comfortable about it. It was devoid of anything that made it.. his, It wasn't his, but for these next weeks it would be. Dean knew it would feel odd; sleeping in a room without 'Castiel Pazaz.' So life goes.
When they had settled, Dean turned toward Cas, "We have to go pick up your schedule and meet some of the other patients," Dean tried to grin for Cas, but neither was really buying it.
The hallway was just like the room, which made their walk uneventful. Cas was just staring at his feet the whole time, watching how they crossed over the tile floors. Dean realized Cas was wearing the shirt he had gotten him, the one with the feathers and the wings. It brought a quick smile, adding some spray of color to the grey around them.
They found the lobby they had been guided to, a room with fake leather sofas, a Tv, summer magazines, and people. About ten people maybe, possibly a little less. Dean guided Castiel to an empty seat. Cas sat down and Dean sat on the floor in front of him. Both looked around.
Many people there had a person with them. It was difficult to tell if they were partners, parents, or friend. On the surface it seemed equally divided between male and female, yet there were some people Cas couldn't tell. Maybe they wanted it that way.
Then, a girl walked over. She had cherry red hair, a Star Trek shirt, red converse, and just about twenty other fandom related items.
"Hey," she greeted with the Spock wave, "I really like your trench coat."
Cas didn't look at her, just kept his eyes on the floor, although Dean knew he had heard.
"Sorry, he doesn't really talk. He says thank you though," Dean smiled up at her.
"That's fine, I like quiet people. They're always so much smarter than anyone else."
Dean nodded.
"Do you mind if I sit down?" she asked, gesturing to the empty floor beside him.
"Be my guest."
She sat, taking a D20 out of her pocket and fidgeting with it in her hands, "My name is Charlie," she smiled.
"Dean," Dean responded, "And this is Castiel," Cas twitched just a bit at the sound of his name.
"Like the angel Cassiel?"
Dean shrugged with a grin, "yeah I guess. He fell in love with humanity after all," Dean cocked his head happily at Cas, "and humanity fell in love with him."
"I assume you two are married?" she questioned.
"Yeah, 5 years now," Dean answered.
"That must be nice. I'm still looking for that perfect girl."
Dean slightly nodded, "You'll find her. Cas walked in to my life without warning, and I'm sure your dream girl will come when you need her."
Charlie shrugged and sighed, "Well, I don't know about you Castiel," laughed Charlie, "But i do not want to be here at all."
Cas actually looked up and acknowledged her.
"Nice eyes," Charlie commented, "both of you."
"Well thank you," Dean giggled, "But I thought you liked girls?"
"Listen, I don't have to be attracted to you to know when someone is nice looking. You two are very nice looking men."
"Fair point," Dean agreed, reclining against the leg of Cas' chair, "and any girl with a brain would fall for you."
"Not yet it seems, but she's gotta be good. A complete and proud nerd."
"You'll find her, Charlie, I know it."
Charlie stood up and sat on the arm of Cas' chair, "Well Castiel, I think we'll be good friends."
"See, Cas?" Dean smiled, "You already have a friend. You'll be fine, Feather."
Feather. It was a name Dean barely ever used, but when he did, he knew it made Cas feel okay. He would use it more often, but then it would lose its meaning.
"Attention please," a young doctor surveyed the room, "I'm going to take roll to make sure everyone is here. You will receive your schedule, have about half an hour more with you family or friends, and then we will begin programs."
As usual, Winchester was last on the list, which Dean knew Cas hated. No reason, he just did. Charlie was towards the beginning, her last name being Bradbury. She walked over with the schedule in hand, resumed her relaxing on the arm of the chair, and started reading, "There's like 20 things in here with the word 'group' in them. Ugh," she stopped before quickly spewing something out, "Except for you, Castiel. I like you."
Cas just sighed, grabbing the cuff of his coat and shaking his head.
"Winchester, Castiel."
Dean stood up for Cas, ready to walk over. Then, suddenly, there was a dark haired boy with ice blue eyes and an old trench coat beside him. Dean smiled. Cas always like when people called him Winchester. Even though it had been his legal name for five years, he always responded happily to it, as if he were the most proud person in the world to be a Winchester. Who knew? Maybe he was.
Cas took the paper from the doctor and then quickly handed it over to Dean, ducking his head. They walked back to their seat as the group of people around them began to speak again. Joining Charlie, Dean started to read the schedule out loud to Cas, "Well, today after I leave you have an introduction where you learn about the programs and meet everyone else here. That seems chill, right?"
It obviously was not chill, as Cas' eyes grew wide with fear when he heard the 'meeting everyone else.' Cas hated having to introduce himself, as he couldn't. Dean always did it for him, but now he wouldn't be able to.
As if reading his mind, Charlie volunteered, "I can introduce you Cas... if you want of course."
Dean made a half smile and nodded his gratitude at Charlie. He turned towards Castiel, "What do you think, angel?"
Cas clicked three times, the sound he made when he imitated the Kiger Mustang running. It was a sound that meant pure pleasure to him. Yes.
"He says yes," Dean responded to Charlie, "thank you for offering."
"Yo, Cas and I are buds now, right pal?" Charlie nudged Castiel with her elbow. Cas jumped and for a moment stopped breathing, biting his lip and gripping his coat.
Dean jumped into action, starting to sing their song.
"You've got a lot on your mind..."
And he sang until the first chorus, when Castiel finally relaxed again.
"Just don't touch him, okay?" Dean asked Charlie.
"Of course. But wow you just fixed that as soon as it started."
"Well," Dean sighed, "you live and learn."
"I guess you do," Charlie agreed.
So they read through the schedule, which included meal times and therapies, free times and when they could get free ice cream. To the very last detail on one sheet of paper. And then, a voice.
"Dean," Dean turned to see a 6'4, long haired man with 3 layers of plaid. Sammy. Beside him, a golden haired boy with a smirk on his face and a lollipop in his mouth. Oh god, Gabe.
Sam and Dean hugged each other with their signature brothers hug. When they broke apart, Dean looked Sam right in the eyes, "How are you holding up?"
"I've been better," Sam shook his head with a sarcastic smile, "but I'm holding up, Dean."
Then Dean brought his voice down a bit, "How about you and Gabe?"
"Still figuring that one out. He had to see his little brother before the hospital though and I wanted to support you, so here we are."
Dean smirked, "Well it's great to have you here, Sammy."
Sam nodded as they both walked over to where Castiel was. Gabe was on the floor in front of the chair, speaking softly to his younger brother. His golden hair was knotty and torn in parts, with some strands just sticking to the oils that hadn't been cleaned off. Gabe always prided himself in keeping clean. What happened?
With further inspection, Dean realized Sam didn't look too good either. His clothes were dirty, his limbs heavy, and his normally intelligent eyes now wailed in their tiredness. Despite this though, Sam had on a delicate smile as he sat beside Gabe and began conversing with him and Castiel. To anyone else, Sam looked normal. It was the almost motherly love Dean had towards Sam that made him realize the way his jaw was unusually tight, or how his chest didn't expand much when he took a breath. It was these small things that Dean caught, things Sam himself sometimes didn't even realize.
So it happened that Gabriel gave to Cas a pair of black cosplay angel wings so that his Halloween this year could be extra special. These wings could flap when he pulled a string on them. They were also made of real feathers, something Gabriel knew would make Castiel smile. Cas loved the animals. That's why when getting the feathers he had to make sure they were found and were cruelty free and all the stuff Cas cared about. To be clear, Cas didn't actually open them. It was more Gabe slowly taking out the carefully placed wrapping paper, making sure Cas saw every part as if he were opening it. No one expected him to move, and he didn't. He just sat, and stared. Yeah maybe these wings would go to waste and they would sit on a shelf until termites ate through the wooden frame, but at least, hopefully, Cas knew they still cared.
So the Winchesters and the Novaks (and Charlie, who beared the last name of Bradbury), talked. Not to each other, but to Cas. Gabe and Sam tossed around stories of how sloppy or noisy or smelly the other one was, Charlie gave a rerun of some of the weirdest things she had found in her hacking career, and every once in a while Dean would speak.
"Remember when..." was usually the first phrase, followed by a quick story. Maybe one of their first dates, or that one song on the radio during that car ride. Heck, it might have even been about the fly he rescued from the shower before it died 10 minutes later. Whatever it was, everyone listened. They listened more than they listened to the other stories, because one of these had a chance. Maybe the name of that one song would trigger a memory. Maybe the way Dean said a word would make him say a word. When there is little hope to go around, every portion becomes stronger.
Most of all though, the silence was for Dean. While he was re-telling stories for Cas and saying his name and staring at him, everyone knew these stories were for Dean. They were for Dean to remember, for Dean to forget, and for Dean to have a will to keep fighting. At times like these, even the largest fire can burn out in an instant, and even the smallest spark can burn through the forest.
Then, it was time.
No one hugged Castiel for fear of making it worse, but they huddled. Cas' family huddled around him and smiled, wished him good fortune and courage. In times like these, what else could you ask for?
Through tears Gabe said the prayer he and Cas used to recite every night before bed,
"If we get nothing else in this life,
Give us the eyes that can see the splendor we have before us."
Sam's quick "you stay safe.." didn't seem like much, but to be honest, he hadn't really seen Cas since before the accident. He was scared some random word could send Castiel into a depressed and fearful spiral. So, he only said three.
Charlie gave a "see ya later" before going to her room, no family or friends to say goodbye to.
Dean. Dean shook his head and sobbed, "i'm sorry I'm sorry," as if words could change the glowing blandness of the building Cas would have to be in for two months. His voice gave no color, just gray and blue, but the blue only made it worse. Dean was ugly when he cried. Not physically, just his voice and his hunched back and shaking; it was horrible. But this time he shook three times as hard, he was hunched so much he almost fell over, and the words could barely even be called words, just blue and gray noises.
"Angel, angel, angel," over and over, eyes darting across Cas' face, looking for any sign of comprehension. Maybe, he wouldn't have to go here.
"Soft little feather, oh my sweet little bee," Dean wouldn't stop, couldn't stop, because those words would not be the same now. Now they would be grief words. But what could this love story be called, besides grief?
5 years and in some way Dean wished they had never met, then this goodbye wouldn't be so hard.
Saturday, every weekend, they were too spread out it was too long without seeing Cas. Would Cas remember their book?
An empty house that would smell of old trench coat and laundry detergent, now would only be breathed by him. He would, for once in 5 years, be truly alone.
Sam dragged Dean away, arm tight across Dean's chest, tears brimming his eyes for the pain his brother was enduring. Dean struggled and kicked, yelled and cried, but with every second Cas was getting farther.
Cas didn't fight, didn't even blink, but his toes did wiggle. His hands still reached for a hand that wasn't there. His soft clicking not met be a wandering ear. His vision wasn't good today, but the second there was no longer a happy presence beside him, he knew his world had left.
Dean. Dean. Dean.
He didn't scream when the doctors guided him to his room, but the clicks were desperate enough.