Anemoia

/kä(l)m/

adjective

1. Nostalgia For A Time You've Never Known. "The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there."

The thoughts were accelerating inside my head. I want them to slow so I could breathe but they wouldn't stop. My breaths came in gasps and I felt like I was going to black out. My heart is hammering inside my chest like it belongs to a rabbit running for its skin. I could feel bugs crawling over my skin, my face, my hair. Oh my God, oh my god. I was going to die. I opened my mouth to scream but no words came out. Instead dirt filled the crevices of my mouth looking to leave me no place. No room. The earth was cold, sucking up every bit of warmth my body had to offer.

Someone was walking above me and I tried to make noise again but nothing. The footsteps paused as I tried to scream again, but the cold earth silenced my sobs as I heard the sounds of footsteps getting further and further away...

My eyes shot wide and I bolted to a seated position. I frantically scratched at my arms to get the dirt off. But instead of brown crusted dirt my hands were met with smooth skin.

As I was pulled from my frantic panic I was first aware of the coolness of the air and it's loamy fragrance. The ground was lumpy as if I were on a bed of earth and rocks. My clothes felt as damp as a flower in the dew of the dawn, I involuntarily shuddered as chills fell down my spine. I half wondered if I was still dreaming as I looked upwards.

My eyes were met with a canopy high overhead so dense that barely any light was let through. I heard the sounds of birds and glanced around.

Where am I? Was my first thought as I observed my surroundings. A forest apparently. An early autumn morning and there was a frosty chill in the air. The sweet surrendering scent of the morning dew fills the forest with a scent that does not belong on earth. The dark shadows of the voluminous trees and the surrounding bushes had become the backbone of the forest. The trees stood as passive protectors of this peaceful place. As the autumn sun rose in a timely hurry as if trying to make up for setting too early the evening before, The mid-morning sky was a brilliant bright baby blue. As the morning developed the sound of young birds began to fulfill the air with a lovely feel, they chirped, tweeted and warbled incessantly.

Who am I? Was my second question.

I slowly climbed to my feet, it looked like I'd been attacked. My clothes were practically shredded off my body, yet my pale freckled skin underneath bore no scars. My feet were bare and covered in dirt and mud. I lightly touched the red, curly hair that hung to my hips. Grimacing when I found twigs snuggly nestled within it.

I looked around, now what?

I turned in a circle, observing the forest around me with with confusion. I glanced upward, my mouth pursed but slightly open and loose. My eyes are fixed at the trees overhead, there were worse places to be lost I suppose.

I just shrugged my shoulders, picked a direction, and started walking.

In this old growth forest the trees rise upward forever, the canopy above is distant, like clouds of green. Even with arms outstretched I would never even be able to reach even a fraction of the way around their gnarly bark trunks. Stepping carefully over the roots that knot the pathway, watching the freshly fallen rain seep into the soil, I am struck by a wish to melt in with it. Not to die, but to live forever amongst these ancient beings who cast the shadow in which I stand. There is a sacredness here that transcends everyday concerns, casting them into the timelessness of forests, of oceans, of mountains. Under these boughs I feel the breath of the Gods and hear the beauty of their creations; how can I not be at home here?

But as I felt the power I frowned as I pressed my hand against a tree to my right, this forest is dying. I'm not sure how I knew but I could practically feel the quiet hum of the forests energy beneath my fingers, but it was much too quiet, too inconsistent. It wouldn't last much longer like this... I snatched my hand back and shook my head, what did it matter to me?

As I wandered a hazy image began to form in my head like a mist slowly solidifying into existence, it was familiar in a way I couldn't understand. The farther I walked, the clearer the image in my mind became. After a little while I recognized that the image in my mind was a van, a white van. Somehow I knew that the van was important to me and that I needed to find it.

I continued to walk until I caught a glimpse of something other then green. My eyes widened as my head tilted back to see the sight before me.

The cliffs rose sheer from the forest, towering ramparts of stone that glinted jade-blue and dull crimson in the rising sun, and curved away and away to east and west above the waving emerald ocean of fronds and leaves. It looked insurmountable, that giant palisade with its sheer curtains of solid rock in which bits of quartz winked dazzlingly in the sunlight. I instantly made my way over to them, hoping to climb them and get a sense of where I was.

I reached the base of the cliff and didn't hesitate for a second before I began the climb. For a while I thought about nothing at all, just hand over hand, ledge after ledge. Climbing until I could do nothing else.

I was about half way up when suddenly the rock falls away beneath my bare feet. I know there is a ledge, otherwise I'd be falling, but I can't see it at all. If I turn my head too far I could unbalance and the drop is further than I can see. Already the adrenaline coursing unchecked, urging me to do what I cannot.

The blood is pumping through my veins but I ignore it. The adrenaline floods my system like it's on an intravenous drip - right into my blood at full pelt. I think my heart will explode and my eyes are wide, letting in every ounce of the fading light. My body wants to either run fast for the hills or jump to relative safety. I leap to a closer ledge. I grasp onto it desperately and It almost seems like it desperately grasped onto me.

My bare feet are cut up from trying to find perches in the rocks but I ignore them as I continue with my merciless pattern, hand over hand, foot over foot...

It wasn't long before I pulled myself onto a wider ledge and I found a permanent perch on it. The ledge was more like a rocky outcrop, rustic and rough. It was in keeping with the cliffs, only years old but made to look as if it were ancient.

I stood atop the rocky surface and raised my arms in victory. Wind swirled around me in an icy greeting and rain coated the cliff top. My eyes began to water as a wind whipped my bright red hair across my face. When I looked down at the dizzying drop, I was met with the forest in all its glory.

The landscape was every vivid colour, every one of them as fresh as a new painting straight from Rome. The brilliant greens banished every dark thought and the sky lifted the eye in a way that brought the villagers to admire the strands of drifting white cloud. The trees were deep with late spring foliage and the flowers rioted in the jubilant way that only the most divine of blooms can.

I placed a hand over my eyes to shield them from the rising sun and saw what appeared to be a treeline in the distance fading into something else. I couldn't be sure what was passed it, but I had nowhere else to go.

So with a newfound determination, I heaved myself over the side of the ledge and made my way back down the cliff and into the forest again.

After a couple of hours I stumbled out of the treeline into a road, the road was empty since it appeared to be fairly early in the morning. I wandered along the outside of the forest border for a while until I came across a parking lot containing only one vehicle, a white van. I instantly booked it over to the vehicle and yanked on the door handle, but growled as I discovered it was locked.

I walked around the van a couple of times, peering in the windows to try and find why it was so important. I suddenly spotted a little circle on the side of the car and realised it was its gas cap.

I pulled it open and a set of keys fell out. I squealed with excitement as I picked them up. There was only one key on the keychain, It didn't take me long to unlock the passenger side door.

I hopped in the car and began searching around, not entirely sure what I was looking for.

I hastily pulled down the sun visor and a wallet fell out onto my lap. I opened the wallet and found my own face staring back at me.

I looked slightly bored in the photo, staring straight at the camera with a blank face. But it was my eyes that betrayed my amusement, I wondered what I had found so funny at the time.

I stared at the card displayed in a clear plastic front of the wallet and realised it was a drivers license. My drivers license.

It boldly displayed the words 'Calipso Raven,' on the front and I frowned. That name sounded familiar. I said it out loud, testing to see how it sounded on my tongue and I was surprised to find that I liked it. It was unique, It was mine.

I shoved my driver's license back into the sun visor and unlocked the vans back doors, marveling at what I saw.

In the back of the van was like a gypsies tent. Different blankets hung from every corner to the point where there wasn't an inch of exposed wall. It was like one giant bed.

I jumped in and wiggled around, it was so comfy.

On the right near the tinted windows was a little shelf bolted to the side of the van. On the shelf was a bunch of different plants I didn't recognise. There was a small chest next to the shelf that I pried open with much effort. I found a bag of plant soil, a container of freeze dried mealworms, a couple bottles of water and a sack full of stones. I stared quizzically at my surroundings, I knew that this van had belonged to me, but I didn't recognise any of the stuff I apparently owned.

I threw everything back into the trunk and began to close it before hesitating. I pulled one of the bottles of water out of the chest and tenderly watered the plants positioned at the window.

I had noticed that past-me had parked the car out of the shade so the plants would get some sun while I was gone. They obviously were important to past-me so I couldn't just let them die, that would be rude. It would be like breaking into someone's house and killing their dog.

I frowned as I noticed that some of the plants were wilted, having been left without care for far too long, how long had I been gone?

I estimated about a week based off of the brown color creeping through the dark green of my plants.

I gently placed my hand against the wilted leaf of the closest plant, maybe it was just my imagination. But I could have sworn that it perked up slightly, not a lot but just enough to give the little guy a fighting chance.

I shook my head, ridiculous.

I crawled back out and got into the driver's seat again, nervously glancing at all the different knobs and buttons in front of me. Did I know how to drive? According to my license I do, but I don't remember how.

I stuck the key into the ignition and turned it on, happy when the car let out a soft purr. That felt like a small success at least.

I marveled for a second before stopping, now what? I didn't have anywhere to go, I wasn't even sure where I was. I stared at the shift on the side of the wheel, I had a nagging feeling it was pretty important. I pulled the shift towards me and the van began to roll forward.

I screeched and pushed it back into place, breathing a sigh of relief as the van stopped moving.

I carefully pulled the shift again but pressed down on one of the petals, breaks, right. Breaks are important.

I (Carefully) pulled out of the small parking lot and went down the road. I ignored the pain that shot up my leg as my scratched and bloodied feet worked the petals, I had a feeling I'd had worse.

The sun was just beginning to peak up over the horizon and I stared at my surroundings, where am I? Does it even matter?

The scene was beautiful around me as I drove into the distance I couldn't help but feel a sense of peace. The sun rose like a flower opening, gifting its petals unto the world. I was surrounded by trees on both sides, and I could faintly see what appeared to be a beach in the distance. Amid the dancing raindrops was the blush of scarlet, the warmth of tangerine. Gazing toward the illuminated clouds, still beneath the ethereal glow, I felt at home in a way I never had before. I briefly glanced at a sign as I drove by. 'Welcome to Forks' and I smiled.

Welcome indeed.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Leah's POV

My only comfort was I knew she wasn't dead.

I'm not sure how I knew, all I know is that if she was dead I would know. And she wasn't.

I stared at the cracks in Emily's ceiling, memorizing the rough texture in its unorthodox pattern. Sam had insisted that I stay with them until they found the red haired girl, but until then I was too unstable. I had already shifted over stubbing my toe on the dresser, I was in no position to be in a high stress situations.

That being said, I was on the verge of a panic attack.

We had searched the entire forest for any trace of my imprint but found nothing. The only thing we found was a scent trail that led up to the cliffs and disappeared.

I paced back and forth as I thought of everything that was wrong with this.

First off: I didn't know her name, I didn't even have a great scent trail off of her because of the vampire who'd attacked her! She obviously wasn't from around here because someone from my pack would have recognized her if she was. And now we had no idea where she was! Who was she? And what was she doing in the forest; being chased by a vampire? Not too many strangers made their way to La Push; it wasn't really a tourist hotspot. Even if the girl was new to Forks, I was sure I would have heard something about her. Forks was a small town, and things got around fast. And whatever got around Forks always got around La Push.

The voice in my head just kept screaming no. I felt something deep inside me trying to pull me back in the direction I had just come from, back in the direction she was in, but I fought it as hard as I could.

But I would control it! Damn what they said about imprinting, I would fight it! I could feel myself being drawn involuntarily to her, and I stopped pacing abruptly and planted my feet hard into the ground, standing firm, fighting the urge to go looking for her again.

I sat down on my bed, ignoring the groan of protest it gave out as it did. Oh God, we're never going to find her.

My eyes darted around the room, back and forth, back and forth, as if I were going to find her there. Of course I didn't, and I felt almost sick. I felt my body begin to shake slightly, and I groaned, dropping my head to my hands and taking a deep breath. I was hoping it would loosen up my chest, but it didn't.

I listened to the storm pattering against Emily's ceiling and the comforting scent of rain. I watched drops of water hit the floor in arcs from a peak in the roof.

It was sweet irony that I had ended up here, under this roof with that couple.

I pictured her face; her open, terrified face. Her lithe, graceful steps, her beautiful eyes. I pictured her pale, porcelain skin and her small petite features. She looked so small, so tiny, standing there alone in the middle of the tall trees. Like a porcelain doll. And as I pictured her something in my mind screamed at me to go to her.

Though the water had dripped slower than the second hand on a clock, the floorboards were warped, undulating like a November ocean. Each drop fell cleanly into the surface puddle, sending out ripples to the edges.

drip

drip

drip

I placed my head in my hands momentarily, rubbing my face as if it could get rid of the dull throb in my temples.

I knew that imprinting could be painful….but I never realised just how bad it could be.

I was drawn out of depressing thoughts as seth poked his head in through the door.

"Uhhh Leah?" he called to me. He looked a little concerned and I suppressed the urge to growl at him, if he really cared then he could go find her.

I let out a deep sigh. "What do you want Seth? I'm busy wallowing in self pity." The anxiety sat below my smile, my actions, my silly jokes... It is there like over- caffienation but without the option not to drink a cup. So there I am, all amped up with no escape.

A contagious grin stretched over Seth's face, I'm assuming he was amused by my weak attempt at a joke. "Yeah yeah, Emily just wanted to let you know that dinners ready."

He said that like it was his house. When Sam insisted I say here, the others assumed that invitation extended to them as well. Based off Sam's reactions so far, they were very mistaken.

I was glad they were here with me, so I wasnt stuck under this roof with them by myself. I dont think I would have been able to take it.

I thought about going down and joining the rest of the pack, but food just didn't seem appealing to me. I opened my mouth to decline when I saw the look on Seth's face, worry.

I grimaced when I realised how strange I had been acting, but I couldn't help it. The others in the pack that had imprinted had had way more sympathy for me then those who hadn't, because they understood. None of them had said anything, but while we were phased I could feel all of their sympathy towards my current predicament. Quil hadn't even been able to fathom being away from Claire for as long as I'd been from my imprint.

"Yeah, sure. Okay." I said, getting to my feet to follow him out. He turned around quickly but I didn't miss the wide grin that had covered his face beforehand.

It was almost worth it as we made it downstairs and I saw a wide smile break out on everyone's faces.

"Damn, it's alive." Paul said shamelessly.

I managed a halfhearted growl before plopping down into the seat next to him.

Everyone continued with their conversations but I didn't miss the concern in their eyes. I knew I looked like shit. It had only been a week since I'd imprinted but I already looked like I'd been through hell.

Dark circles were prominent under my eyes, which was a feat considering my skin wasn't as pale as it could be. I hadn't eaten in a while, a week was a long time for a human, much less a werewolf.

I could feel a steady pounding in my head. It wasn't quite like a headache, but it was just there. Most of the pain I felt was in my chest. Like it was being constricted somehow. Every breath I drew in felt heavy, short somehow. Like I just couldn't bring in enough air.

Emily smiled and slid a plate of pasta over to me, I took it even though I really didn't want to. I slowly began shoveling spaghetti in my mouth. I had worried them enough, there was no point in me starving to death before I could properly meet my imprint.

I smiled slightly. Imagining what she was like. The girl of my dreams would be creative. Durable. Willing to get dirty even if she was wearing her favorite shirt. I wondered if my imprint had a favorite shirt, I wondered if she'd ever let me see it.

I was so lost in my daydream that I didn't notice Sam enter the room. His presence was enough to cease all conversation at the table as everyone waited for him to speak.

I looked up suddenly, our eyes met and I waited for that familiar rush of anger that hit me whenever I saw him, but I felt...nothing. how could I be angry at him for what he did? If our places had been reversed I would have left him in a heartbeat, he at least had the decency to be upset about it. My eyes trailed over to the long scratches down the side of my cousins face.

"So." Sam began, instantly getting everyone's attention. "Leah's imprint."

The rest of my pack shifted uncomfortably as she was mentioned, apparently uncomfortable with the prospect of me imprinting on a girl. I sat a little straighter at that, I knew that we'd have to have this discussion eventually, I'd just hoped it'd be after we had found her. I sighed, that obviously wasn't going to be an option.

"She was obviously chased into our territory."

Embry said, almost somberly. He'd always been the more empathetic of the group. He wanted to find my imprint all most as badly as I did, which is a feat in of itself.

Sam nodded his head. "Based off of the scent you had picked up off of them, the vampire had killed a lot more people before we found it."

I nodded, the stench of death had been so overpowering that we hadn't even noticed the girl at first. My stomach twisted, what if it was people my imprint knew? Had she been there when it happened? Was she going to be okay? The need to find her suddenly doubled, but I forced my instincts down. I had already been chased down by Sam when she first disappeared, we didn't have time for me to lose it again. I don't remember much of what happened but Jacob said I'd phased and tried to go into town. I shuddered, it would have been disastrous if I'd succeeded.

"Has there been any disappearances? Murders? Anything that could have caused it? The girl had obviously been-" Sam stopped and looked at me for a second, I felt my heart drop again. We'd all been ignoring the fact that my Imprint could have been bitten by the bloodsucker."-injured. So she couldn't have ran far."

We all knew it was a rhetorical question, Sam had undoubtedly already checked all of those things beforehand. But he was making a point for us to watch out for trouble, even in human form. The pack had a tendency to ignore things in human form that they never would have as a wolf.

"Also," Sam said, "This means we're going to have to set up more patrols." The others groaned but I just nodded my head. The more people we had out there, the faster I'd find my imprint.

"You might not be the only one's looking," Emily said as she brought more food over, setting it in the middle of the table. She went to the cupboard to grab plates.

"What do you mean?" asked Embry.

"Well," she went on as she brought the plates over and sat next to Sam, "from the other side's perspective…" She looked at Sam lovingly, then over to me. "You're not the only one it will have an effect on. When Sam imprinted on me…I mean, I was upset and angry, you know, because of the whole..." she looked at me uncomfortably. "Thing. But there was other stuff too. I…I needed to look at him, to see him or be near him, even though I was upset about it all. I could feel it physically. Something didn't just change in him…it changed in me too."

I didnt miss the hope in her eyes, the hope that once we found my imprint things would go back to the way they were. I might not have been as angry as I used to be, perhapse even understanding, but it would be a long time before I forgave them for the hell they put me through. I suddenly felt like crying, I didnt want to be thinking about this, I just wanted my imprint.

"That's not a good thing," I growled. "She knows even less about this crap then I do! She'll be feeling this stuff…even pain maybe…and she'll have no idea what the hell it is!" The idea of her being in any kind of pain just made the pain in my chest worse.

Emily gave me a small smile as she dished up a plate. "But maybe she'll connect what she's feeling with…here, with this place. Maybe she'll notice it happened after she came here, and she'll come back."

I ran a hand through my hair. "As far as she knows she got attacked by a vampire and barely survived being eaten by giant wolves, I dont think she'll come back here."

As soon as the words left my mouth i knew they were true. She had no reason to come back to La Push after what had happened. My heart dropped to my feet, this was it for me, wasnt it? Life just loved to screw me over, first Sam and now...her.

The conversation started up again but I couldn't find it in myself to follow along.

I looked out the back door, splattered with its hazy rain, making a soft pitter patter as it went. I couldn't help but think about my imprint again.

'where are you?'