Hir•aeth

Noun

/kä(l)m/

1. A longing for a home you can't return to, or one that was never yours.

As the allotted time draws near the steady heat becomes far less bearable. I want the air conditioning of the mall, not the filthy downtown sidewalk. I can't sit on the burning tarmac so the best I can do is prop myself up against Bella's car letting my eyes move over the scars in the paintwork. I run my hand over the rough paint. I can feel my bangs stick to the perspiration on my face, I must be as beaded as the dawn grass. My hand begins to shake in a way I can't control, all I can do is loop my thumbs into my jean shorts pocket and hope to look casual.

I leaned back on Bella's car and sighed. She was still inside looking through the student files trying to find someone anyone who could recognize me.

We had dedicated the week to checking out the schools in the area for student records, yet I appeared to be as elusive in life as in death. The school was on the La Push reservation, I had attempted to convince Bella that It was likely I hadn't gone here, as even Bella appeared more native american then me. But she had declared that checking couldn't hurt.

I would have been touched at her dedication to find pieces of my past if it hadn't been clear that she was distracting herself from her ex.

My thought broke off as I saw a girl walking out of the school, her clothes were a little bit too showy for the occasion. Her light hair was obviously bleached as it was lighter than her skin tone, but she was undeniably pretty.

I spent a couple moment debating talking to her. Hoping she would recognize me, when I decided that I wasn't going to get anywhere playing a pacifist.

"Hello." I called to her as she passed me by. She stopped and looked at me as in confusion, obviously wondering why I was talking to her.

"I just wanted to say that your outfit looks good, I could never have the confidence to pull it off." It seemed like a simple enough way to get her to notice me, after all.

I saw a flash of something light up her eyes and she walked over to me happily. "Oh my gosh, thank you!" she exclaimed. "People keep saying I look slutty."

I smiled at her widely, I liked her. "I don't see any reason why it's their concern."

"I know right?" she exclaimed. "And you're really pretty too! You're hair is so red, we don't see a lot of people like you around her with all of us being Quileute and all." she said in one breath.

I felt a stab of disappointment, as that meant she hadn't seen me around before.

She frowned for a moment. "You could use some mascara though."

While I was debating whether or not to be offended, she pulled a makeup bag out of her purse and turned to me. "Here," she said. "Open your eyes wide."

I hesitated for a moment before doing as instructed and she began carefully applying mascara. "open your mouth like this." she said, demonstrating. She looked slightly like a fish but I did as asked.

The moment seemed strangely intimate, as her face was very close to mine. I also had absolutely no idea what mascara was and if I should be letting her apply it on me, but I complied and stayed put even as my eyes began to water awkwardly.

She finished and pulled back and began to wave her hands at my face to try to dry the black goop on my eyelashes.

She studied me for a moment, sticking her tongue out of her mouth as she observed my appearance.

"Wow!" she said. "You look like some sort of pagan goddess."

I opened my mouth to respond when I heard someone cough gently from behind my new friend.

The girl turned around Bella was standing behind her, arms folded.

"Oh," my new friend said. "Its you."

"Yeah." Bella said. "Can you get away from my car?"

"Whatever." the girl said, rolling her eyes.

She turned back to me and smiled again, holding her hand out. "My names Jessica by the way. It was great meeting you!" she exclaimed.

I smiled and placed my hand in hers. "Calypso."

She giggled and placed a hand over her mouth. "Catcha' later." she replied and sauntered off.

Bella looked at me with something akin to disgust. "You really shouldn't associate with girls like her."

"Why?" I asked and she sighed.

"They're toxic, mean, cold hearted. Whatever works."

I frowned at Bella, I had never pinned her as someone so narrow minded. "No they're not, Bella." I said softly.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

The silence was comforting but unwelcome as Bella and I drove.

I looked out the window as the rain dripped from the pane, I sighed in annoyance. The weather meant I couldn't go see my wolf today.

Every since our first meeting in the clearing, I had gone back every so often to see the wolf. He had helped me find various herbs in the vast forest just yesterday. While we had traveled, I had spoken to him about anything and everything in equal parts. My life, my dreams, stories both belonging to me and...not.

I sighed and sat back in the passenger seat. I had been getting...flashbacks. flashbacks to things that couldn't have happened, at least not to me.

Drowning, burning, poisoning, starvation, martyrdom, asphyxiation, homicide, suicide, you name it, and I saw it while driving down a sunny road in a rape van.

I told the wolf about these things. There was something comforting in the fact that I knew the wolf couldn't tell anyone else, that he would forever have to bear my secrets with no choice in the matter. Perhaps it was selfish of me, but I appreciated the wolf's inability to speak. As it was only when it was silent that people could hear my voice, it seemed.

I had a feeling, deep down. That even if the wolf could talk, he would still listen.

I hardly even noticed when we pulled up in front of Bella's house until the soft rumbling of the car silenced. I carefully climbed out of her car and sauntered over to my van.

"Wanna go on a hike or something?" Bella asked from behind me.

I smiled widely and nodded. "Climb in." I said to her, gesturing to the passenger seat of my car.

She crossed her arms and looked at me with something akin to annoyance and fear.

"Oh no, I'm not getting in a car with you driving."

She said.

"Why not?"

"Because you asked me if it was legal to try to beat the train over the tracks!"

It had seemed an innocent enough of a question at the time. They had pulled the stop on the tracks while the actual train had been a mile away, we had sat there waiting for the damn thing to mosey on by, completely ridiculous.

"Oh." I said unintelligibly.

"Oh is right, I'll follow behind you." she said in obvious amusement.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Gazing straight ahead, only half-aware of a world outside the claustrophobic comfort of the car, Of my hands stroking the wheel, the almost soundless changing of the gears, the pattern of traffic lights…

I peeked into my rearview mirror and smiled at Bella's car as it struggled to keep up with my van.

Driving had been one of my first skills to come naturally. Bella had said that it was pretty difficult to forget how to drive, similar to riding a bike. It had yet to be seen it I could ride a bike, however.

Not finger curled over the wheel again in unease. My nerves were shot and my muscles were tensing more and more the further I drove.

I glanced around myself again as the spark plugs in my stomach seemed to intense indifferently.

The road was quiet, peaceful. I suppose that should have been the first warning that something was...not quite right.

To my horror, car came out of nowhere. Clearly ignoring the obvious stop sign position to my right. The driver ran right through, both of us going much too fast to stop once we saw each other.

His running of the light caused me to unwillingly t-bone my car into his.

My van might have been physically larger than the other drivers vehicle, but Todo was old. As soon as her bumper made contact with the other cars back seat door, she crumpled like a tin can beneath a weight lifters foot.

My car crumpled inwards like a slinky, and I almost expected for it to snap back into place with a ferocity that would cause me to go flying, but no such luck.

Unsurprisingly, my airbags hadn't gone off and I was left wedged between the wheel and the seat, my panic rose in waves.

Stone, all around me. Nothing but an inch of air. Dark. So dark I couldn't see. My nose touching the limit of ny world. The sounds of my own screams causing my ears to bleed, the sound itself incapable of escaping it. Unable to move, to breath, or talk. Forced to lay till my muscles stiffened and my bones calcified into that rigid stance. Eternity, pressed inside the earth and forgotten about. Crying out to a deaf, distant, uncaring world. I'd cried for a lifetime.

The car door was wrenched open violently. Warm hands grabbed at my arm and I lost it.

I bit down on the arm that was holding me, but they just grunted and yanked me out of the car. My feet gave way beneath me and I fell to my knees.

I grasped desperately at my chest, I couldn't get enough oxygen. My claustrophobia is more about light than space. I can tolerate the smaller space if there is enough natural daylight, enough exits to free flowing air. Perhaps it is an extension of my fear of the dark, my yearning for eternal summer. But when I walk in the light, when I feel the perfumed air or feel refreshing rain, I feel so grounded, so right, so at home in the world.

I heard the sound of car doors slamming and people running. Someone I didn't recognize knelt down next to me. A hand on my shoulder felt like I'd been burned, I flinched away.

"Oh my God, Calypso. Listen to me. You're having a panic attack, calm down." the voice sounded like Bella, but I couldn't seem to see past my shaking hands.

Bella is still talking and i'm no longer listening at all, not because I don't want to so much as my brain has decided there are more important things to pay attention to, like my heart still jack-rabbiting in my chest and the blood pounding in my ears

"Holy shit, I didn't see you, oh my God." a deeper voice exclaimed, panic and worry evident in their tone.

"Hey, uh. Are you…okay?" the deeper voice asks, out of my peripheral reached out a hand as if to touch me on the shoulder and I scream, a bestial, wordless thing, and propel myself backward against the crumpled metal of my car with enough force to make the metal dent behind me a bit.

"Don't," I say, breathless and ragged. "Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't…" I forget and all there is is breath and blood, and the world is too small and it feels like dying even though I know it's not, knows I just needs to breathe, it's okay, it'll be over soon, just breathe, just breathe…

I don't know how much time passes. Probably just a few minutes. It's hard to tell.

More minutes pass. I'm still breathing deep, in through my nose, out through my mouth. My head's a little fuzzy but chest chest doesn't hurt anymore.

I glanced up and I finally looked up at the guy and froze. He was easily 6'5, tan skin, practically all muscle. Normally I would avoid confrontation at all costs, especially with someone who looked like they could crush me with no effort. But my post-panic attack brain saw an escape-goat on a road of anger.

I climbed to my feet shakily, hands trembling.

I forced all my panic to transfer to rage, rage was a much more productive emotion. "Look what you did to my van!" I screamed, horrified.

The man looked horrified as he held his hands out in front of him to look non threatening. I noticed with seething hate that his car looked mostly intact. My car had left an obvious dent in it, but I was nothing compared to the pile of scraps I called my home.

"Hey! It's okay! I'm a mechanic! I can fix it for you, no charge!" he looked desperate.

"Really?"

"Yeah," he said with a soft smile, handing me a card. "Here's the place, just call and tell them everything's on Quil, okay?"

I nodded my head, wiping at my eyes.

"Okay."

There was a moment of silence as I looked the man over, trying to find any noticeable injuries. I let out a sigh of relief as I found nothing and immediately got upset with myself, he had wrecked my car.

"Should we call an ambulance? You're shaking pretty badly." Quil said, unknowing that my shaking was caused my anger at this point.

"Its okay," I gasped. "I'm just- I get- I'm claustrophobic."

Quil looked at my car, seeming to realise the position had put me in, and winced. "Look I'm really sorry, in fact I'll call my guys to come get your car now, okay?"

I nodded my head shakily as Bella grasped my hand tight. I felt like crying and throwing punches. I had a feeling Belle was holding my hands cause she knew I would have tried to bare knuckle fist-fight this guy if she hadn't.

Quil whipped out a phone and wandered away from us, speaking in a quiet but urgent tone.

Bella sat down on the blacktop in front of me, both of us just sitting in the middle of the road. I ignored the way it burned the back of my thighs. No cars had passed by the wreckage, I suppose there were some advantages to living in such a small town.

"Are you okay Calypso?" she asked, voice soft.

"Yeah," I replied, unconvincing. "I'm fine."

"Bs," she whispered back. "That was a full blown panic attack, I've only ever seen one of those once-my mother-" her voice broke and I placed a hand on her shoulder.

We sat in silence until our peace was interrupted by the sound of shoes hitting the pavement. I looked up and up and up until I met Quil's eyes.

"I have some people sending some stuff over to tow your car." he said, nervously rubbing the back of his head. "Look- I uh, I really appreciate you not getting the police involved. Sam would have never forgiven me if this turned legal."

I briefly wondered if Sam was his father, perhaps they weren't on great terms if he called him by his first name. "I'm just glad all the damage was superficial." he said with obvious relief. "Nothing that can't be fixed with some spare parts."

I nodded my head but froze mid motion. "Oh my God." I whispered in horror.

I dashed to my feet instantly, nearly tripping over myself in my haste to get back to my car.

I tried to yank on the back door but it wouldn't open, the metal having practically been fused together in the crash. I yanked harder.

"What's the matter?!" Quil said. Clearly blind with panic.

I didn't a stop yanking on the door as I replied frantically. "Its Remme- He's- He's still back there!"

Quil gently pushed me aside and grabbed onto the handle. In a Brutish displace if strength, he yanked the handle so savagely the door flew off. I didn't waste a second on marveling on his display of strength, instead I threw myself into the back of the van.

"Remme?- Remme?!" I yelled in panic.

Slowly, my panic ebbed away as a soft brown rabbit slowly made its way from behind my plant rack. I grabbed him into my arms and held him close, relief washing over me in overwhelming waves.

My eyes made contact with the plant rack and I stifled a sob.

One of the plants had been severed with the glass from the broken window. Glass, I realised, I was currently kneeling on. I felt pricks on my calves as the glass bit into me but I couldn't find it in myself to care. I grasped desperately at the plant and brought them to my chest, cradling them.

"Is she okay?" I heard Quil whisper to Bella from behind me.

"The plants," Bella said slowly. "They-they mean a lot to her."

His reply was silence, I couldn't tell if it was understanding, guilt, confusion or judgment. But I didn't care. He didn't have the right to judge me. Especially after hitting me with his car.

'Well,' I thought in a haze. 'Technical I hit him.'

I was startled by the sound of a car pulling up next to my van, I briefly wondered if it was someone stopping out of concern but one look at Quil and I knew it was his buddies.

Quil ran off out of sight and Bella glared at his back as he left. She turned to me and offered a hand. "Hey," she said softly. "They can't tow the van with you in it, silly."

I choked out a laugh and placed my injured plant in her awaiting hands. I held Remme close to my chest as I slid out of the car.

One look at my shin and i knew I'd screwed up. The skin was broken, little pieces of glass were embedded deep into my tan skin and blood was seeping out of the wound.

"Dude, Quil, what the hell did you do?" a voice I didn't recognize exclaimed from out of my view.

"I swear! Her car came outta nowhere!"

I growled lowely in my throat at that, but didn't say anything otherwise.

Bella took handed me my plant back in a sign of comfort and she grabbed my elbow, leading me around the corner to face the owner of the new voice.

I was hit with an extreme case of deja vu as I saw the woman Quil was speaking to.

The woman has a body so defined that I could see all her taut muscles cutting through the thin fabric of her worn black t-shirt, high cheekbones, a sharp aquiline nose, wild black hair and black eyes that seem fixed on me. Those eyes are a cosmic sort of black, and she's looking at me in a way that makes my breath stutter and catch in the back of my throat. It's almost predatory, but not quite.

Something flashed beneath the surface of her hardened expression and I hurried to investigate the sudden shift. It was too late, the emotion disappeared before I could identify it, like reaching desperately for an escaped balloon; the string dangling so tantalizingly close but the wind pushed it away and it's lost forever.

"Leah?" Quil said. His eyes trailing over to me before realization lit up his face. I wondered what revelation he had come to. His realization quickly turned to fear as he edged ways from his friend. I watched the exchange curiously.

Her eyes trail down my legs, the blood still flowing freely from them and she walks over with purpose in her steps.

'Oh god,' was the only thing I could think. 'I'm about to get curb stomped'

It wasn't until she was directly in front of me that I realised just how tall she was. Not quit as tall as her friend, but still at least a head taller than me.

And in that moment, I completely realised how much I didn't want to be here. My car was ruined, my plant was going to die. I wasn't sure where I was and where I was supposed to be, I wasn't even sure if Calypso is my name and I was about to get curb stomped by the not-so-green green giant.

"If your gonna start swinging, I promise I hit harder than I look!" I said as she paused. I had heard that in a movie somewhere.

Her eyes widened in surprise and Quil began to cackle behind her.

"What-no I'm not going to start… swinging?"

I eyed her warily but nodded. "That's good, for you I mean." I replied seriously. I saw Bella facepalm in my peripheral.

The way she was looking at me was like how a man would look at an oasis after crawling through the desert. Adoration was clear in her eyes and I felt confusion, that couldn't possibly be aimed at me.

She gently gripped my elbow and helped me to my feet. "C'mon," She said. "Quil can clean this mess up himself, I'll drive you to the workshop."

Quil let out a noise I could only describe as a wounded animal at Leah's statement.

I frowned at her telling me what to do but I got interrupted as I opened my mouth to object.

"Hold on a minute, Calypso's riding with me." Bella said loudly. Leah turned a glare on her so quickly I got whiplash.

"Now's not the time for this, she's clearly injured and exhausted."

They continued to glare at each other and I sighed in annoyance. Nothing to worry about, I was just bleeding to death, don't mind me.

I looked at Bella with a sigh. "Look I'll ride with schwarzenegger here so we don't get blood on your carpet, and I know you have stuff in the front seat. I promise to jump out the window if I get uncomfortable, ok?"

Bella pressed her lips into a fine line but nodded her head. "Fine, but i'm following right behind you."

She then turned to me, her expression softening considerably. "I can take Remme if you want Calypso."

I smiled gratefully and handed him over wordlessly.

Leah nodded and turned around, making her way to Quils car and leaving Quil the one she'd brought. I began to follow after her when pain shot up my leg. I hissed and Leah was next to me in a instant. "What's wrong, are you okay?" She asked.

"Sorry," I said, wincing. "It's just, my leg."

Her eyes softened as she offered her arm to me.

"Don't apologise I should have- here."

I gripped onto her impossibly warm arm and grimaced at my need for assistance, but I reluctantly stayed quiet. Despite myself, I latched onto her arm, surprised at the elevated temperature. "Why are you so warm?" I whispered. I felt like a kid, sharing secrets in a playground.

"Magic." she whispered. I snorted and shook my head, ignoring the blissfully proud look she had taken on at my laughing.

I waved Leah off as she attempted to help me into the car.

We sat in silence as she pulled the car off the side of the road. I watched the affronted form of Quil get smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror.

I stretched my legs out in front of me as I noticed to distance between the seat and the dashboard. I looked over at her, the car was huge but it looked about average compared to her. I felt like I had been dropped in a world where everything was just slightly larger to throw me off. It probably didn't help that I was below average size, I thought uncomfortably.

"I'm Calypso." I said suddenly, not liking the uncomfortable silence that seemed to plague me today. "Leah," she replied. "I'd shake your hand but…" she trailed off.

"No thanks," I said with a snort. "I've already been in a crash today, thanks."

Out conversation trailed off into silence, while it was significantly less awkward then before. The tension in the air seemed brittle enough to snap.

"Does it have a name?" she said suddenly. I startled as our silence was broken. For one of affronted minute, I thought she had meant Bella.

She nodded briefly at my plant and I understood.

"Oh! I call him red." I said simply.

"Tell me about red, then." and I instantly went off.

"Red's a Cape sundew, a carnivorous plant, they're considered an invasive species in some places but I still think they're beautiful. Their known as the 'unkillable sundew' so he'll bounce back from this, I just wish it hadn't happened in the first place."

The veins in her arm protruded as she gripped the steering wheel. "I wish it hadn't happened either."

We sat in silence for a moment before and before I could stop myself, I asked her one simple question.

"Wanna hear a story?"