Is the past still present?

Kathryn sat on a bench under an old apple tree in Sekaya's backyard, reading. The events of the previous day had lightened her spirits immensely. She and Chakotay had laid in companionable silence until the sun had set and the moon stood at the sky. He had walked her home and for once she didn't mind that he hadn't told her what was on his mind. She was sure he would tell her when he was ready.

A movement caught her eye and she looked up and saw Sekaya coming towards her.

"Hi," Sekaya smiled. "I hope I'm not disturbing you."

Kathryn put her book down. "Of course not."

Sekaya settled down next to Kathryn. "Phil wants to make a barbeque tonight. Would you like to join us?"

"I'd love to."

"Chakotay will come, too."

"What about his girlfriend?"

Sekaya frowned. "Chakotay doesn't have a girlfriend."

"I thought…"

"Sonora?" Kathryn nodded. "She would certainly want it, like many other women, but I doubt we'll ever see her again."

"Why?"

"Chakotay doesn't put any effort into relationships."

Kathryn paused. Chakotay didn't put effort into relationships? That didn't sound like Chakotay.

"He's a lonesome wolf," Sekaya went on. "He was when he was younger and I'm sure he will be until he dies. But you probably know that," she added and rose.

"I don't know…," Kathryn said. "And to be honest, he doesn't appear very happy."

Now Sekaya paused and thought. "He seems happy to me."

"Really? He doesn't smile, or if, it never reaches his eyes."

"That's Chakotay," Sekaya said with a shrug. "He's an introvert and has never shown his feelings openly. That doesn't mean he's not happy."

Kathryn frowned. It almost felt as if they were talking about two different people. She knew Chakotay as a warm and caring man who showed his feelings. However, Sekaya was right about one thing. He did not only not smile, he didn't show any emotions.

"I have to pick up Maya from a friend. You're okay?" Sekaya asked when Kathryn didn't react.

Kathryn looked at Sekaya and nodded. "Yes."

"See you later."

Absentmindedly, Kathryn stared at the grass in front of her feet and thought about Sekaya's words. She couldn't understand that everyone, especially Sekaya, thought that the behavior was typical for Chakotay. He was a private man, yes, but certainly not a lonesome wolf. He had his fair share of short-lived relationships aboard Voyager. And he had friends among the crew. Many friends.

So why the sudden change after their homecoming?

For the rest of the day Kathryn's thoughts circled around that question. Her concern was greater than before, and after the barbeque she offered to stay at the house and do the dishes while the others went for a late night swim at the lake.

The house was quiet as she stood at the sink, washing the dishes the old-fashioned way. She had never liked it but now she appreciated to have something to do that didn't require much thinking. That way, she could let her mind concentrate on Chakotay.

She had watched him closely today and noticed that he appeared preoccupied, as if something was constantly on his mind. But what?

Perhaps he didn't know what to do with his life, she thought. On Voyager life had been simple, aside from the struggle and the battles, they had only one way to go. Onwards. To Earth. It was a precise goal. When they reached Earth, they had achieved that goal and most of Voyager's crew needed time to adjust to a life in the Alpha Quadrant. While most of them had succeeded, some struggled still.

Like herself, she thought, sadly, and felt more lost than she ever had in the Delta Quadrant.

Not wanting to let the feeling overcome her, she busied herself with drying the dishes and putting them in the cabinet.

It was possible that Chakotay felt the same way, but then why didn't he tell her? It was nothing to be ashamed of; on the contrary, they could help each other working it out.

She was still missing a big piece of the puzzle, she thought as she put the last plate on its place and laid the tea towel aside. So what had she overlooked?

At a loss, she looked absently out of the window over the sink. Chakotay had never isolated himself from Voyager's crew, and certainly never from his best friends. It was as if he was protecting himself from something. But from what she couldn't tell.

She regretted that she hadn't been there for him after their homecoming. If she had, there was a chance that she would now know the reason for his unusual behavior or even have been able to prevent it from happening in the first place. She had been too busy with herself to look after anyone else, though.

Trying another strategy to find the reason for his behavior, she compared him now and on Voyager. On Voyager he had been happy and content, now he seemed… restless.

Breathing sharply, her eyes got wide with shock. Without peace, she thought. He seemed to have lost his inner peace.

In a rush, memories of a faraway planet floated through her; a planet on the other side of the galaxy with an angry warrior who had found his peace. In her.

She put a hand over her mouth and tears began to burn in her eyes. Could it be true? Could she be the reason or was her imagination playing tricks on her?

If she thought about it, it was plausible. Sekaya had never seen him aboard Voyager, especially not during their first years. When they finally made contact with Earth the spark between them had turned into the best friendship she had ever had. But with the transformation something had died in them and it had been hard for her to see the joy leaving his eyes. She couldn't help it, though. She was the captain, responsible for every single life aboard Voyager and even if he hated it, she knew he understood.

Wondering if she really had hurt him that much made her feel terrible, and she sat on a chair and her shoulders hung. She had to find out, she thought, whatever the reason was she had to find out and help him. He had always been there for her and it was time that she was there for him, too.

A smile crept over her face when she remembered the words he said to her on New Earth. He told her that he would stay by her side, make her burden lighter, and that her needs came first. Well from now on, she thought determined, his needs would come first. And maybe she would find her own inner peace in that, too. She certainly needed it.