Night saw Asha slipping through the darkness beneath the trees around the tiny hut where Carol had taken them to Judith.
She still couldn't believe it. She had followed Daryl over the chainlink fence away from Terminus, struggling to support Beth on her own because the girl had flinched unbearably when Daryl tried to help - and then apologised immediately of course because she was still Beth. Then she'd seen their group - not just Michonne, Rick and Carl, but Maggie, Glenn, Bob and Sasha and handful of new people. Faces she hadn't even let herself ever hope to see again.
Maggie had barely gathered a weeping Beth into her arms, when Daryl suddenly darted away, almost running through the trees to wrap his arms around Carol - triggering, despite everything, an unwelcome spike of jealousy in Asha's core. He looked at Carol like he'd found a lost part of himself and Asha could have sworn his eyes were wet. Carol had tearfully admitted to causing the explosion and with a single grateful hug from Rick the issue of her exile seemed forgiven.
And then Carol had led them to the hut, to Judith and Tyrese. To a verifiable miracle. For all of her days Asha knew she would never forget the look on Rick's face as he took his daughter into his arms. She couldn't help but be swamped by the backwash of emotion.
It had been too late and too dark and they had been too battered to press any further than the hut. The Termites knew about it of course, but there was nothing to mark this hut out from the handful of other huts and isolated houses around the area, and those were just the ones Asha could recall. More importantly, there was no reason for the Termites to think they'd be at this hut particularly - especially since she could still see Terminus burning in the distance.
The whole thing was a bit overwhelming. The relief and gratitude she felt at having their group back - tainted by a certain wariness about Carol's presence in view of their last words - was mixed with a general sense of unfamiliarity at being with so many people again.
Daryl seemed lost to her in the crowd.
His absence was a physical ache. After everything that had happened the last few days she needed the physicality of having him beside her to assure herself he was still alive - and to anchor her back into the here and now when Terminus had dredged up all the things she'd fought so hard to repress.
Her mouth was still full of the taste of her hate for the place.
But he'd lingered with Carol - the grey haired woman shooting hard looks at her from time to time - or was otherwise busy with Rick planning, scouting, or checking the perimeter around the hut. Late in the day he had paused by her side just long enough to shrug off her concern about the blood seeping steadily from his bandaged shoulder, ignoring the injury in the way that only he could.
He was out there now, checking the ground between the three people they had posted on watch. Carol was one of those, to the south whilst the other two were to the north in the direction of Terminus.
It was why Asha was slipping through the trees, in search of either, or perhaps both, of them. Daryl, to convince him to lay down before he fell down, or at least that's what she told herself. But in her heart of hearts it was really to gauge how much Carol's presence had already changed the dynamic between them. And Carol...She wasn't even sure what she was going to say to Carol, but she would be damned to hell and back if she'd let that woman drive a wedge between her and Daryl without a fight.
She stumbled, beyond tired. She'd crossed through exhaustion and emerged into the grey toned world beyond, where her thoughts were half formed things with a life of their own. It seemed she could almost see them dance before her eyes before shapeshifting into something new - and right at the moment those writhing images had the shape of Daryl and Carol.
She stubbed a toe, the pain and a shiver in the cool air helping her wearily focus. She rubbed her arms. The seasons had definitely turned and there was a bite in the air. She was going to need some warmer clothes. So was Daryl, that flannel wasn't going to hold up to a winter, especially if they spent it on the road.
Maybe Carol would find him something.
She grimaced, shaking her head to dislodge the thought.
She knew approximately where Carol was on watch, and stopped when she thought she was near, waiting a long moment in the still cool air. When nothing moved nearby, she called Carol's name softly.
A dozen or so paces away, a Carol shaped shadow detached itself from the inky blackness of a large tree and beckoned her over. Asha crossed quickly and sank down against the trunk, ignoring the gleam of Carol's widening eyes.
After a moment, the older woman sat too.
'I did not expect you,' Carol said in a pointed way.
'Hoping for Daryl?' Asha regretted the words immediately - and the snide tone in which she'd said them. 'Don't answer that,' she said quickly, shaking her head.
'You didn't come out here to talk about him?'
'Of course. But I didn't want to start like that. Just… let me get there my own way.' Better the fear faced, but she couldn't help postponing it. 'I ought to thank you. Without that explosion…'
Carol arched a brow. 'I'd be out here on my own.'
Asha's lip quirked and she nodded at the self interest acknowledgement. 'Beat's where the rest of us would have been,' she said. 'So thank you.'
Carol nodded. 'Thank you for asking Rick to rethink sending me away.'
Asha looked at her in some surprise. 'I don't necessarily agree with what you did,' she had to admit. 'But it wasn't Rick's call to decide what to do on his own.' She scrubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. 'Christ, hardly seems to matter anymore does it? Still, I think we'll all appreciate it if you don't take it on yourself to kill any of us.'
She was expecting a harsh retort and when there was only silence she glanced over to see Carol's hands shaking. 'I didn't do it lightly,' the older woman whispered. 'And I wouldn't do it again unless there was absolutely no other alternative. But sometimes there isn't.' Her voice as she finished held a note of desolation.
Asha's eyes narrowed. 'Look harder for alternatives,' she said. 'Involving other people is good for that.'
Carol nodded wearily, and Asha had the sudden feeling that Carol was thinking about more than just Karen and David.
'Wait…' She paused an instant wondering how Carol even knew of her attempted intervention, then shook her head feeling like an idiot. 'Daryl told you.'
Carol nodded.
Daryl. They were back to that. Inevitably.
'Should I brace for another lecture about needing him to rescue me again?'
Carol grimaced. 'If i didn't know that the alternative was Daryl taking a bullet to the brain, then you'd be on the receiving end of one already.'
There was no avoiding it. Asha swallowed hard. 'I….You two have a connection. I saw his face today, and yours, I just…' Asha realised she was clenching and releasing her hands and swiped them down her cheeks instead. 'Are you ever going to do anything about it?'
'About what?' Carol asked innocently.
Asha scowled. Carol was enjoying her fumbling more than she had any right to.
'Oh for fuck's sake Carol,' she snapped. 'What do you want from him?'
'From him?' Carol laughed softly. 'Nothing. For him? A great many things.'
Asha looked at her, brow creased.
'I love Daryl.'
Asha's heart stopped, until Carol smiled and continued. 'Like a brother.'
Asha's chest heaved with a relieved breath. 'Yeah well,' she said without thinking, 'I love him too, and not like a brother.'
She stopped stunned, eyes widening as the truth of her response rippled through her body and settled in her bones.
When had that happened? She couldn't pinpoint an exact point, the gradual reorienting of her universe around him had simply been too gradual for her to realise it was happening. But it seemed incomprehensible that she hadn't realised until now.
A slow smile spread across her lips, and she hugged her knees into her chest savouring and protecting the feeling. 'Holy shit,' she whispered.
Carol arched a brow, shaking her head. 'You hadn't even realised.'
Asha was glad the dark hid the pink on her cheeks. 'Well I haven't had a lot of downtime to think about it,' she said defensibly.
Carol snorted, but Asha was too sunk in her own emotion to respond.
Eventually Carol raked a hand through her hair. 'Daryl's too…' She paused as though looking for the words. 'He's too damn careless with his own life. He doesn't value himself enough to be careful with it. He needs someone to protect him because he won't protect himself. He'll do anything for the group.' Carol fixed her with a steely look. 'It's too easy for people like Rick and you to use him. I thought you were taking advantage of that.'
'I never meant to.'
'No, I guess I can accept that. But you did, whether you meant to or not. Still, it was stupid of me to expect you not to put him in danger. Everything we all do these days puts us all in danger. And if you're willing to take a bullet for him, then I guess I'm glad he was there to rescue you today after all.'
'Not as glad as me,' Asha snorted softly.
Her hands tightened as she thought of Len and the Claimers and Gorman. Taking a bullet for Daryl, was the least she was willing to do. 'When i thought he was dead…' She shuddered, tripping over the word and unable for a moment to continue. 'There weren't enough pieces of me left to bother trying to put them back together.'
Carol measured her in the dark. 'The way you feel is the best i can hope for. At least you'll put yourself in danger for him too.' She sighed heavily. 'And won't do you the disservice of pretending that i don't know the way you feel is real. I've watched you watch him all afternoon.'
Asha grimaced. 'That obvious huh?'
'Probably the only person it isn't obvious to is Daryl.'
Asha frowned. She actually wasn't sure how Daryl would react to that bit of news, and now sure as hell wasn't the time to be dropping it on him. 'You won't say anything to him?'
'And rob you of the joy of that conversation,' Carol said dryly, and Asha knew her instinct that he would have trouble accepting that was right. She closed her eyes wearily.
'You know his past,' Carol said. 'Bit's of it at least. Some of that may seem trivial in light of what we have to live with today, but it's not. It's been with him every step of every day of his life. It's part of the foundations of who he is, and he may never break out of that. It's … It's hard,' she admitted.
'You did it.'
'Did i? I don't know. Maybe in another life i'd have loved Daryl as more than a brother.' The grey haired woman shrugged. 'He may never be able to love you back. Not the way you want.'
Asha swallowed. 'What he gives me now is enough.'
Was it? Would it always be?
She remembered how it had felt to see him surrounded by Joe's men, and bleeding on the ground at Terminus, to think she'd lost him. And she remembered him appearing after Gorman and Seth, when he'd been there when she'd most needed it.
'Whatever he'll give me will be enough,' she whispered, running her hands down her cheeks. It would have to be because she couldn't bear the alternative. 'It's not like have a choice,' she admitted to herself as much as Carol.
'Good,' Carol said firmly.
Asha's head snapped around.
'He doesn't deserve anything less.'
Asha exhaled sharply, but couldn't argue.
For several quiet moments they just stared into the darkness.
'Want me to take over watch?' Asha asked. She needed time to process her revelation. Going back to the presence of all the people in the hut was the last thing she felt like doing.
'Asha,' Carol said incredulously, shaking her head. 'Are you kidding me? The last few days have been hard on everyone, but you took a beating on the road, and I think maybe those who were locked in the rail car had a slightly easier time of it than you and Beth. Even if you only feel half as bad as you look, I'm still not sure how you're even functioning.'
'Oh.'
Even if there had been something to argue with in what Carol had said, she was too tired to do it.
Carol rolled her eyes, but her voice wasn't unkind. 'Just go back and lay down. I know you're trying to deal with a lot right now, but i guarantee if you close your eyes for two minutes the exhaustion will win and you will go to sleep.'
Asha nodded, a sudden sting in her eyes as she was forced to acknowledge just how wrecked she was. She shuffled unsteadily to her feet.
'One condition,' she said, voice a little unsteady. 'When you see Daryl, send him back too, bully him into it if you need to. He's in no better condition than me. He got shot for fucks sake and he's acting like he can just walk it off.'
Carol snorted softly. 'Men. And that is a deal i will happily make you, now go to bed.'
Asha nodded and turned back to the hut, suddenly wanting nothing more than a quiet corner where she could curl around the warm spot in her chest and sink into the oblivion of deep sleep.
Daryl stood stone still, hidden deep in the shadows of a broad leafed tree as Asha passed by a handful of feet to his right, part of him noting with some concern the weary unsteadiness of her feet. The sound of her feet faded quickly but still he didn't relax, his attention focused unseeing on the darkness ahead of him.
He knew Carol and Asha hadn't exactly been getting on at the prison, and when he'd heard their murmuring voices as he paced his rounds along their perimeter, he'd discretely stopped to listen.
He'd heard every word they'd said.
She loved him. What the hell did that mean?
His heart was hammering and the air felt too thin to breathe.
Did he love her?
Was the pure panic he'd felt when he'd seen her strung up or the desire to strip the skin from Gorman for hurting her love?
He couldn't pretend that her's wasn't the face he looked for first – first in the morning and first when there was any danger – and it was only partly because she was reckless enough to be in the middle of that danger. She'd squirmed under his skin at some point and he never felt entirely right when she was out of sight. He reluctantly realised it had been that way for a long time now.
Was that love?
Hell, he didn't know.
He shook his head irritably in the darkness, the movement sparking a throb of fever ache in his shoulder.
She loved him.
Maybe that's what she felt now, or thought she did, but it wouldn't last. It never did.
What if Carol was right? Was he even capable of loving someone? He supposed he had loved his brother, and Merle him, in their own profoundly broken ways. And he supposed he had loved his mother too, every kid did, but she'd been gone a hell of a long time now. Besides, they were blood, and there was so much betrayal in the mix - with both his mother and Merle - that he wasn't sure he should be using either of those as the benchmark anyway.
She loved him.
What the fuck was he supposed to do with that bit of information?
He took a steadying breath, fighting to clear his head.
Nothing, he guessed, reminding himself that she didn't know he'd heard her. No reason he had to do anything.
Unless she said something to him.
He sucked in another steadying breath, unable to entirely settle the knot of tension in his belly.
No use borrowing trouble.
There was a growing ache behind his eyes that he couldn't shift. A weary tingling pain had settled all the way into his bones and he could feel the beginnings of fever heat stabbing down the back of his neck. He was dead on his feet. He reluctantly admitted that Carol would be right to bully him into laying down. He sighed heavily, but rather than fight though that conversation he turned wearily back towards the hut.
The following morning, Daryl didn't wake up.
At first Asha was comforted that sometime during the night he had curled up against her back, his arm draped familiarly around her. The closeness helped patch the ache in her soul. She hurt all over, but she felt surprisingly refreshed by the hours of sleep she'd managed and she lay there contentedly for a moment with her hand wrapped around his and held against her chest.
But then she shifted, and he rolled limply onto his back, injured shoulder thumping heavily against the ground.
'Daryl?' Asha murmured, hands at his shoulders and shaking just slightly. 'Daryl?' Fear gripped her by the throat. 'Daryl?' Hands flying to his face as his head lolled to the side.
She was suddenly shouldered roughly aside and Bob was there - fingers reaching for a pulse at Daryl's neck and ear close to his face.
Michonne's dark hands wrapped around Asha's shoulders as she rocked on her heels. The rest of the group gathered around them.
'He's breathing,' Bob said after a moment, and Asha managed to suck a shuddering breath of her enough own. 'And i've got a pulse but it's…' Bob hesitated a moment. 'Not great.'
Asha realised she'd fed the heel of her hand into her mouth and was biting down hard. 'What's wrong with him?' Rick asked quietly.
'Might just be exhaustion,' Bob said. 'And he lost a bit of blood the other day.'
Asha shook her head. 'He looks peaceful when he sleeps, not like this.'
Bob frowned as he rested a hand against Daryl's forehead and then peeled back the wad of bandage at his shoulder to peer and then sniff at the wound. He glanced back at Asha, eyes sliding quickly away.
'What is it?' Carol asked, crouching down on Daryl's other side.
'He's warm, warmer than he should be.' He scrubbed a weary hand across his head. 'He's got a fever. I think there's infection starting in the shoulder.'
Asha was unable to swallow the rock like lump in her throat, feeling the horrified looks from her companions settling briefly and then shivering away.
Not wasting a course of antibiotics on him.
She took a steadying breath, then another. She leant forward and kissed Daryl on the forehead, closing her eyes as his hair tickled her nose. He was far too warm.
Then she got up.
'I'm going back to Terminus,' she said.
'What?' Rick asked.
'Terminus has medicine,' Asha said, tucking Nash's knife through her belt and picking up her scavenged handgun. 'Gareth told me he wouldn't waste a course of antibiotics on Daryl. He wouldn't have said that if he didn't have antibiotics in the first place.'
'That's not much to rely on,' Michonne said reluctantly.
'I know. But at the funeral home, the place Gorman called one of their honey pots, there was a first aid kit that looked like it had come fresh from the drug store, left out purely as an enticement. They have medicine and I know where the medical bay is.'
'Asha, you're in no condition,' Carol protested.
Asha glared at her. 'I'm good enough for this,' she snapped, absolutely certain that if Daryl's life depended on her, then that was in fact the truth.
'Ok,' Rick said, standing up himself, fingers brushing his python and reaching for his red handled machete.
'Not you,' Asha said, glancing at Carl, Judith in his arms. She was not taking that on. Then she glanced at the rest of the group. Most of them were barely hanging on by a thread after yesterday.
'You need to stay here,' she said. 'Keep Daryl safe until I get back.' Her voice shook. 'I can't leave him with anyone else.'
Rick hesitated a moment and then nodded, holding out the red handled machete which Asha took with a grim approximation of a smile. She missed her spear.
As she turned, Michonne and Bob were on their feet - Michonne frowning at her so fiercely when she open her mouth that she swallowed her objection and merely nodded her thanks instead.
'I can't do anything until we get back with the drugs,' Bob said when she looked at him. 'And it'll be no good if you come back with the wrong drugs.'
'Anything ending in "illin" right?' Michonne said. 'That's what Hershel said when we went to the vet college.'
Bob nodded, than hesitated a moment. 'I should still come.'
Asha narrowed her eyes. 'What aren't you telling us?'
'There might be other things we need,' he admitted. 'If there's something stuck in the wound it won't matter how full of drugs we pump him if we don't get it out. I'm not a surgeon, but…'
Asha stared at him in horror, passing a shaking hand over her face. Then she shook herself. It didn't change the plan. 'But you're the best we've got,' she said, nodding her acceptance of his presence and starting for the door, conscious already of time slipping away.
'What if he wakes up whilst you're gone?' Carol called behind her. 'What do you want me to tell him?'
Asha paused with her hand on the door and looked over her shoulder. The silvery haired woman was still crouched by Daryl's side. She knew what Carol was asking, but she refused to have that message delivered by that proxy.
'Just tell him i'll be back real soon.'
[A/N: Two to go. Would love to know your thoughts.]