Kov had three more sessions with Tavin over the next day. Between, he spent time with T'Dana as her mother would allow, rested, ate, and meditated. It was a relief to be able to find the peace and non-attachment of meditation once more. When he had first scented Koss, and been unable to find the meditative state, he had feared he would be unable to do so again.
"It is only the initial shock that causes this, Kov, and the overwhelming nature of Awakening. It's why Seclusion is honored by those who take a husband or a wife. The year spent together, apart from others and the commitments that existed before the union, allow time for the Awakening to proceed as it is intended, and to deepen the bonding."
"But Koss does not want to be Awakened to me, nor for me to be Awakened to him. Nor can I marry T'Sia as arranged."
"These are valuable matters to consider in your meditations, Kov. I can tell you nothing of what you should do, for I am not you." The sehlat trainer smiled – that was the Terran name for the upturning arc of his mouth, Kov had learned. "However, I can be here. It will be my honor to serve you as support, to share the raising of T'Dana with you, and to provide a space where you need not concern yourself with other matters, if you choose not to do so."
"I am grateful and honored." The current of attraction that had formed between them was intensifying. Kov found it – deeply pleasurable. It didn't carry the urgency of his Awakening to Koss, but, perhaps, in time, if Tavin chose to allow it, it would become something more, and there would be learning and solace in that, as well. Kov didn't need Tavin to speak to it to know that it was so.
"Assisting you is my honor, Kov. You have given purpose and life that were absent from this place, and from my soul. When you are able, and we begin together the work of reshaping this land to serve my needs, you will have provided even greater service."
"I will assess my schedule. I intend to work in my office over the next two days. It is shared space with Koss, and I would choose to be there only when he is not, until I have had the opportunity to speak with T'Sia on the topic of our marriage. I would have her choose a champion, if she will."
"In such cases, some still choose to honor their marriage contracts. Often, arrangements can be made that allow both partners to enjoy the stability of the original arrangement, while also bonded to mates who truly satisfy their personal requirements."
Kov shook his head slightly. "I see nothing in what I know of T'Sia to suggest that she could accept such an arrangement. Nor can I. No, Tavin. She is my closest associate. We have been connected since our births, or nearly so. I would not choose for her to live a life that isn't in keeping with what she most desires – a husband, and children. Perhaps she has already Awakened to another. Her scent has shifted, these last months –"
"And if she has Awakened to you, Kov?" The question was gentle, but Tavin's face suggested it merited serious consideration. "If you are more than Promised, but truly companions, it is quite likely that she has indeed done so."
Kov did not wish to consider that possibility. That he could not be what T'Sia would need of him was troubling. But it would be far more so if there was not another who could take his place in her affections, one who could be for her what she needed in a husband in a way that Kov now knew he could not. "If she has, Tavin, I don't know what I will do next."
"Perhaps you could ask her to come with you when you next visit. I can advise her and assist her to finding other possibilities she might explore. However, it is quite likely, given your closeness, that she has also perceived your differences, even if she has no conscious understanding of them, and Awakened, as you did, to someone more suited to her own nature."
"If she has, and her Intended will serve as her champion, I will decline the challenge happily, and support their marriage in any way I am able. I would see her happy in her living, Tavin."
"Your affection for this young woman is strong."
"My affection is perhaps that of a brother for a sister. Since I have no siblings, I can't be certain, but that is the sense I have of our connection. If she has the same, perhaps she does have a champion, or would have if she didn't think choosing one would lead to my death, or his."
Tavin offered the calming ouz'hesta, and Kov met it. The current of awareness carried the older man's concern, his caring, and the tracings of the lingering desire that was blended with his great grief. "You may consider this a home, Kov. The sehlat know and accept you. You may come whenever you have the need or the desire to do so, and they will welcome you, even if I am not here. If you are troubled after you meet with your Promised, let this place be a sanctuary where you may feel as you do, and express it as you will, with no fear of recrimination."
Kov released the ouz'hesta, bowed, and made salute. Perhaps it was illogical to employ all three parting gestures, but it seemed appropriate to all that Tavin had offered. Far more so than any attempt to find words to speak to what they had shared and might share.
Tavin returned the salute with a small smile, and Kov chose to keep that as the memory of their parting. He turned and walked away, resuming his course to the city. He would go to the shared office and work. It would be a means of centering himself in the reality of his life, both what had been, and what was. Perhaps, this was not the time to consider what might be.
Let him use this breath as well as he was able, and then the next, and the one after that. In that manner, it would soon be time to speak to T'Sia. Only that.
He would not think of Koss, what they had shared, or what he longed to share with the young architect. He would return here and attend to his work. There was a need to walk the grounds at night; it would be calming to do so after the unexpected chaos of the last days.
His mind made an effort to go beyond that point, but Kov stilled it. No. Only this far. The work, and then speaking with T'Sia. Then coming to walk the grounds.
Kov told himself that – but it was unaccountably difficult to order his mind. It kept escaping the controls he attempted to set upon it and taking up other things. Memories of the night in the cave chamber, with Koss' eyes lit by candlelight. The way T'Dana's fur felt against his hand, or his cheek. Tavin, smiling and crying, and unconcerned by either being visible to others. T'Khut, Watching as Koss first invited, and then rejected.