Act I : IX

SSV Normandy

"Doc, is this REALLY necessary?"

Slade Jordan was strapped into a medbay cot - for his own "safety" - and listening to another one of Doctor Chakwas' lectures.

"Yes, Slade", Karin replied in a matter-of-factly tone. "As our illustrious Commander has demonstrated, I cannot trust the two of you to behave while you are in the same room together; therefore, yes the restraints ARE necessary. I do not want to leave the room and return to empty cots, not that I am planning to leave the room. After that 'adventure' you participated in and was almost trampled by a krogan, I will not leave you without supervision." Slade pulled against his arm restraints in an overdramatic way and was rewarded with an exaggerated eye roll from Karin. He smirked and did the same with his leg restraints.

"Slade", Karin said tiredly. "Please stop before I decide to sedate you."

"Why doesn't the Commander have restraints on?" Slade retorted.

"Because the Commander is unconscious", Karin stated. "Would you like to join her?" Slade looked over at Shepard's cot. She was completely still except for the movement of her chest as she breathed. Karin was finishing a final application of medigel and doing her best to prevent scarring on Shepard's shoulder. She had a focused, but very sad expression on her majestic face: as though she enjoyed what she was doing, but hated herself for enjoying it.

"Do not mistake my lighthearted banter for complacency", Karin warned. "I am still upset she took you with her. She should not have, it was careless and idiotic. I do not doubt your competence, Slade, please do not think that is why I did not want you to go along. I just did not want something like this to happen to you."

"Why would it make a difference?" Slade questioned. "Would it matter if it was me who got shot in the shoulder instead? I don't see why-

"Yes, Slade", Karin interrupted without looking at him. "It does matter. The Commander chose this life. So did I. So did Ashley and Tali, as did everyone else aboard the ship. YOU did not choose this life. This is a life that you were forced to accept because not only is it far better than your old life, but going back to your old life was impossible. It was unfair of the Commander to take you without consent." Slade could not think of anything to further his argument, so he decided it was best to stay quiet. A few moments passed as Karin finished her procedure and breathed a deep sigh. Shepard was laying down on her side so her shoulder was upwards and she was facing Slade. Her expression was not calm; in fact, she looked very troubled, and considering she was unconscious, it was not normal. She wore a look of unadulterated fear and her eyes darted around spastically under her eyelids. Karin noticed that Slade was staring at Shepard's face and he quickly blushed and looked away.

"She is no doubt having another one of her visions", Karin explained. "I regret sedating her - I am sure the experience of whatever she is seeing is unpleasant - but it was the only way I could secure her cooperation while I operated on her shoulder. She would not sit still long enough for me to work." Karin put on a cheeky smile. "Besides, after dragging you away without my permission, she needed some form of punishment. This seems adequate."

"I won't lie", Slade stated. "I wanted to go. If she asked I would not have said no. It wasn't exactly what I was expecting - especially with that krogan - but I had fun. I'd do it again if the Commander asked me to come." Karin immediately put on a disapproving, angry gaze which made Slade quickly change his tone. "But you're right, Doc. Commander Shepard should've asked for permission first." Karin's expression lightened by a small margin and she pursed her lips.

"This isn't about receiving my permission" Karin pointed out. "This is about you going somewhere without medical supervision."

Ah. I see. So that's why she's so uptight about this.

"Doctor Chakwas", Slade began. "I appreciate your concern but if-

Slade cut himself off and quickly glanced over to Shepard to make sure she was actually unconscious. He was satisfied that she looked completely out and continued.

"If this is about my depression", Slade pressed on. "I'm really fine. I don't have a death wish anymore and I don't wake up all the time wishing I was dead. Really, I'm fine. I actually WANT to be alive now. The entire time I was down there with the Commander, for the first time I was actually afraid to die. I didn't want to leave all this behind. I like my life."

"Slade", Karin cautiously started. "I will admit, your mental health has drastically improved since you were brought aboard the Normandy. You do not exhibit most of the symptoms associated with deep, chronic depression as much as you did when we first met; however, you suffered from chronic, suicidal depression for the majority of your life. A few weeks of happiness is not going to erase years of depression, Slade. You ARE doing far better now, but your depression is not anywhere close to gone. It will be years before you fully recover and you are very likely to relapse, a mere trigger could cause you to fall back into your previous state. Please do not misinterpret my words, I am very glad you have improved as much as you have, but is more than-

Karin immediately stopped herself from talking and quickly looked away from Slade. She then stood up and walked over to the sink to remove her gloves and wash her hands up to her elbows.

…What the fuck was that about?

"Doctor Chakwas?" Slade demanded. "You were saying?" She did not turn around, nor did she acknowledge him. Karin simply continued to wash her hands in silence.

"Doctor Chakwas?" Slade repeated in a louder voice. Again, she ignored him.

Seriously? We're going to play this game?

"Are you just going to ignore me and hope I forget about this?" Slade growled.

"No", Karin finally answered. She did not turn around and continued to slowly scrub her palms together under the faucet. "I have merely said too much and I am choosing not to continue."

Seriously?

"Fine", Slade spat. "I'll remember that line the next time you call me in for a psych evaluation." Karin breathed out a deep, troubled sigh and finished washing her hands. She began to dry her soaked arms and seemed to take her time once again.

"Slade", Karin started quietly without turning around. "I am not purposely withholding information from you without good reason. I do not do anything without good reason. Please trust that I am simply protecting you by choosing not to continue my train of thought."

"Right", Slade said condescendingly. "Because ignoring me is such a good way to-

"I am trying not to trigger you into a relapse, Slade" Karin sharply interrupted.

"I know I'm damaged goods, Doc, but I'm not so fragile that I can't handle a few words", Slade retorted.

"Slade Jordan", Karin barked. "This is not about you being fragile!"

"Then tell me what this is about!" Slade shouted.

"Hey, sorry! Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt this heartwarming conversation-

Slade and Karin jumped and snapped their eyes over to Commander Shepard's cot to see her slowly begin to sit upright. She looked at both of them and put on a small smile while giving them each a flash of her green eyes.

"Commander!" Karin gasped. "I did not realize you-

"You didn't realize I was eavesdropping", Shepard interrupted. "Yes, I kinda figured that."

"Commander?" Slade asked a little bit more rudely than he intended. "How much did you hear?" Shepard looked down at the floor for a moment and did not say anything. She stood up after a few moments and approached Slade's cot, then bent down and hugged him. Slade's face and ears burned and he felt himself turn red. He was so agitated that his mind and heart began to race and he felt another meltdown starting to drive him crazy. Slade usually did not experience a breakdown this severe when Shepard touched him, but he had not been hugged in years and it was too much for him to handle in his current state of apprehension. He was actually glad his limbs were secured to the cot, or he may have lashed out and attacked the Commander.

"I heard enough", Shepard whispered loud enough so that only Slade could hear. "Please don't die. I don't want you to die. You're too special and I'd never be able to replace you." Shepard squeezed him a little bit harder and nuzzled her head into Slade's shoulder. Slade did not calm down, but he relaxed enough that his mind stopped racing. He was still uncomfortable being embraced in such an intimate way, but he lost the urge to lash out at the Commander.

"Also", Shepard chuckled. "If you died, I'd have a buttload of paperwork to fill out, so please don't die. I hate paperwork." Slade could not bring himself to laugh along with her, but he did manage a small smile. Shepard let go and stood up straight with fresh tears accumulating in the corners of her eyes. She rubbed them off with her arm and turned back to Chakwas while Slade felt a prod of guilt.

I made her cry. Everybody who knows about my depression cries. Maybe I shouldn't have been so hard on Karin. After all, she doesn't do anything except care about me, just like the Commander.

Slade felt another prod of guilt as he instantly regretted shouting at Doctor Chakwas.

"So, how about it Doctor?" Shepard inquired. "Are you going to answer Slade?" Karin paused for a moment and stared at her feet before answering.

"No, Commander", Karin replied. "I am sorry, it is a matter of confidentiality. I would not have even said so much if I knew you were conscious." Chakwas now had a tone of humility and looked very embarrassed: even slightly guilty.

"Slade, I am so very sorry." Karin continued as she faced Slade. "I have breached my promise of confidentiality to you. Not only was it malpractice, but incredibly unprofessional of me to speak about such things while the Commander was present. I am deeply sorry, Slade. Please forgive me." Doctor Chakwas looked absolutely crestfallen and humiliated, which now stabbed Slade's feeling of guilt even harder than before.

"I forgive you, Karin." Slade said, emphasizing her first name. He wanted to give Chakwas the impression he was talking to a friend, and not his doctor. "But on the condition that you also forgive me for being so rude to you. You didn't deserve it, I was just being an ass." He then gave Karin the most genuine smile he could muster, which Karin could not help but return with her own smile.

"Well!" Shepard quipped. "I'm glad we're all best friends again! Anyway, I should probably-

"Also", Slade interrupted. "I give Commander Zoey Shepard permission to access all my medical records and to be present for this conversation, and any future conversations. Now, please answer my question, Karin, what is this REALLY about?" Shepard instantly shut her mouth and joined Slade in turning her attention to Chakwas. The Doctor took a huge, long breath of resignation and rolled her eyes.

"There", she uttered. "This is why I should not allow the two of you to be in the same room together. You two cause far too much trouble. Very well, Slade. I do not wish you to be outside my area of supervision because I am afraid your biotic potential will manifest and you will be unable to control it." Slade blinked and thought to himself for a moment before attempting a response: he really did not expect to hear that.

"Is this because I don't have those implants you were talking about?" Slade inquired.

"Yes", Karin answered. "And also because you are not trained and have never channeled your potential before. As I said to you before, without implants or training, your potential may manifest completely out of your control and you will not know how to respond correctly. If your biotics were to manifest under supervision, at the very least someone would be able to help you, or sedate you if it came to that." Slade shivered and Karin obviously noticed because she immediately changed her tone.

"Please do not take that the wrong way, Slade." Karin quickly reassured. "There is nothing wrong with you. As I said, your biotics are normal; however, you may end up hurting yourself if they manifest at the wrong time. You have been suppressing your potential for an obscene amount of time, so your biotics suddenly breaking out is not a question of 'if', but a question of 'when'. And we would all prefer if you were not in a dangerous situation when it DOES eventually happen." Shepard caught Slade's eye and gave him a reassuring smile.

"Your biotics are not a curse", Shepard reinforced. "They're not a disability, or a crutch, or anything like that. They're a gift! Just like mine. I have implants, Slade. It's normal, especially since I use my biotics in combat. You shouldn't be ashamed of them. I know you've been really hesitant about using your biotics, but why don't you just give it a try? Just long enough for you to learn how to channel it? That way you won't hurt yourself, and once you can control it, you don't even have to use your potential if you don't want to. But would it really hurt to try?" Slade could not come up with an answer, he just did not know what to say.

"No one can make this choice for you, Slade", Karin added. "This is completely YOUR decision. We've given you our advice, the rest is up to you." Slade was silent for a few minutes while the Commander and Chakwas patiently waited for him to think. Shepard sat back down on her cot and activated her omnitool, Karin returned to her desk.

Well, another life changing decision. No pressure.

Slade was silent for what felt like an eternity before an idea finally occurred to him. He smirked to himself and Shepard looked over and noticed his mischievous smile. She caught Slade's eye and they laughed together.

"What, may I ask, are you two laughing about?" Karin implored.

She's gonna love this one.

"So", Slade began. "If I agree to training…does that mean you'll let me go on missions with the Commander?" Karin's eyes widened in shock and the colour drained from her face. Shepard broke out in hysterical laughter.

"Well", Shepard laughed. "It would be nice to have some help the next time we run into a biotic krogan! Imagine if Slade was trained in biotics too! We could probably take on at least two more of those guys!" The colour returned to Karin's face, but she was now red with unmistakable fury.

"You, two", Karin hissed. "You, two shall never be allowed in the same room together ever again."