Kov stared at the monitor screen, but he was seeing only what was within his mind – moments from the last two days. His memory flowed into each thought, filling his awareness with the feel of Koss' fingertips against his own; the comfort of Tavin's meditative space; the scent of Koss and fresh water upon the desert air…
The scent of Koss and their mingled arousal in this space, where they had passed hours that seemed the prelude to something more, something Kov could only guess at.
He blinked, but the script before him would not resolve into any pattern he recognized.
Was this to be his life now? How would he be able to perform his duties, with this distraction as companion? Tavin had said the reason for Seclusion was to prevent just such occasions from interfering with one's occupation, and that it might be necessary for him to claim his right to it.
Kov had been certain he could return to his work, but this distraction indicated that he might be incorrect. It might be most logical to wait until his mind wasn't so full of new experiences, knowledge, and frustrations. If he attempted to continue, he would be required to share this space with Koss in two days.
That further distraction would adversely affect his work, and possibly also his conversation with T'Sia. That was a matter that must be considered, for he could claim no Seclusion where she was concerned. He must be certain she understood that he couldn't be what she would have of a husband, ever, and that this inability on his part was nothing of her doing, and nothing either of them could alter. He must ascertain whether she was willing to choose a champion, or, if she was not, that she understood she must choose a consort, as must he, before the Burning came, and left them both raving for matings they couldn't share.
But first, he must assure her that she would ever be his cherished, and, were he only of a different nature, there would have been nothing he could wish more than to be to her a husband of her deserving.
Kaiidth. He could not be else, nor could she.
He must therefore give her the greatest amount of time he was able, so she could make another match if she wished.
A match. Was that what Koss had become, in his own mind? Did he wish to marry Koss, bond and mate with him? Perhaps create a family with him?
And what of Koss?
What would Koss have of him? Was there anything, beyond the confirmation that Kov had Awakened to him?
Kov had no answers for these questions. However, it seemed that, if he truly did desire the other man in that way, that he would be certain of it. Until her scent had shifted, he had been quite certain that he wished to marry T'Sia.
"You never believed there was a choice, or even gave consideration to the fact that there might be one." Kov startled at the sound of his voice in the small chamber.
He would find no answers here. Nor would he be likely to accomplish any more than he had till this point – his personal device was devoid of the drawings and lists that informed the earliest stages of his work. Perhaps he should return home, and rest – but there was too great a chance, at this hour, that he would encounter Sivet. Kov was quite certain that to do so in this emotional state would be an error he could not easily rectify, once made.
Still, the office was oppressive, and it smelled too strongly of Koss and shared desire.
Kov could not work in that scent; perhaps it was the catalyst for the memories that continued to arise to the surfaces of thought, though he would have them wait beneath.
He took up the portable device and went outside to walk the grounds. He would await the coming of dark, because he must take night into account when designing for a space that would be used as part of a residential facility.
Though the memory of Koss' scent remained within him, there was not enough of it here to trouble him. At last, Kov was able to focus on this project's initial design. If he continued at this pace he would be able to return to the main compound in another two days. He had several smaller projects nearing completion. Once those matters had been tended, perhaps he should request a period of Seclusion. None would question it, even if it meant this work must be assumed by another. Seclusion was at the silent unspoken heart of what it was to be Vulcan.
But where would he pass Seclusion, if he chose to take it? Sivet's home could not provide the peace he needed to absorb the happenings of the last days – or any of his days, to this point in his life.
Perhaps he could go to Tavin's home. No one knew he was acquainted with the sehlat trainer; there was no reason to expect that Kov would know such a person. If he had not gone with Koss to the place where the cleft in the rock opened, and had Koss not refused him, he would not have met him at all.
There was peace and safety in Tavin's company. T'Dana was there, and there was worthy work to be tended to in the designing of his training facility.
There was also the possibility that he and Tavin would mate.
It was that thought which set Kov's course of action. Illogical, perhaps, but Tavin had told him that the centers for Awakening, and those for sexual activity, were closely connected. It was quite likely that, Awakened and denied by Koss, he couldn't function on a wholly logical level. Perhaps he would not until he mated, or the unfulfilled link to Koss was either severed or sated with completion.
Tavin would understand where others could not. More, he might provide an answer, however imperfect, for the desire to mate. That thought settled Kov, and prompted a strong desire to work, so that he might be free to return to Tavin's home.
Kov found a place where the sun's approach of the terminus was particularly aesthetically pleasing to him, and settled upon the ground, the drawing device in his lap. He worked quickly, occasionally flipping through the device's files for the specifics Koss had given on the building these grounds would encompass.
Once he'd decided on his plan, the work was done quickly. He was Awakened, and Tavin had said that a surge in creative energy was to be expected. It was as well – this would allow Kov to finish his planning before the rest of the design team resumed their work, and project orders were prepared. If he was done quickly enough, he might even be able to tend to the other matters and request his Seclusion before Koss returned to the office.
Kov considered the steps he would need to complete to enact that plan, as Eridani 40 appeared to drop in the sky. Gradually, a question arose within him.
Did he want to see Koss?
Had his plan, last night, not been to remain away only until he had spoken to T'Sia, and learned what she would have him do? Had he not been intent on being with Kov in the office, after?
When had his intent shifted?
But there was no need to ask himself that. He need only attend to his own thoughts. Koss was there; he was unlikely not to be with the Awakening extant between them. But Koss had given little of himself, where Tavin had given far more than any Vulcan Kov had ever known. His residence might not be as a home to him as yet, but it felt so to Kov. Nowhere else had he found the peace to simply be as he was, with nothing required of him.