Seventeen days dad gone by since they had all been chased out of their homestead. Seventeen days since Bill had likely been killed or captured along with the rest of the gang. Celina had tried to go about life as normal, to goof off with Jimmy, talk with Sadie, Arthur and Lenny but nothing was the same, not anymore and she found herself with little will even to see the next day. If it weren't for Jimmy and the baby, then she may have taken it into her own hands to ensure she never saw the next day. She had hardly spoken to Dutch who was running around like a madman trying to get money for them all with Arthur. Of course, with their situation and who they were, they couldn't go out and make honest money, that wasn't even an option. Nope, they had been robbing people quietly now thought because of course as always, in the desperate haste to get away from the homestead, no one was able to grab the money. No one was ever able to grab the money and the recent events had opened Celina's eyes to the truth of John Marston's words from years ago. He was right, and perhaps he had been right to leave when he had. Getting money and losing it was a vicious, endless cycle for the gang as to which there was no end in sight for when that would change. Celina had gone back to the homestead with Sadie and Arthur six days ago but the area had already been cleared out of all bodies, their home looted, the cash all gone. It had broken her even more deeply than she had previously been. It was partially because of the money, sure- but only a bit. She was more broken than words could express over the fact that the area had been cleaned up meant that they may never have assurance as to who had lived or died. They had no assurance if anyone of the gang had made it out alive, so they had to assume that they had all been killed, with the way that the law was swarming in on them, they had to have been. Heck, the six of them who did manage to make it out had barely made it out alive. Celina was beginning to wonder if they were truly the lucky ones from having been able to escape. They weren't lucky- not really. They weren't lucky to be the ones left alive to have to cope with their loss.
Celina knew that her way of coping wasn't the best, it wasn't healthy but because she couldn't drink herself out of her mind due to being pregnant, she had spent all six days they had been back from the homestead staying in the old rickety bed that was assigned to her in the rundown shacks they had come across. She couldn't muster up the motivation to get out of bed other than to wash up, use the restroom or eat periodically. That was another thing, she didn't have an appetite, not at all. She was entirely heartbroken to think that she had lost most of her family all because Dutch just had to be Dutch. She looked up at him with emotionless eyes when he walked into the room and looked over at her, "I'm... I am going to take James out fishing by that river near here, if... if you need anything you can either come find me or let Sadie know. Arthur and Lenny are going with us."
The woman nodded, not even caring to try to give a verbal response. She cared about Dutch of course, that wouldn't ever change. She was happy that he had made it out of the homestead safe and wouldn't ever want anything bad to befall him but right now, she didn't care if he was in her personal life or not. It was almost too hard to even look at him, let alone talk to him. If it weren't for Jimmy being upset over the thought of being separated from his dad, she probably would have truly considered leaving... not that she could live in society now anyways. Her being recognized wouldn't hurt her chances of living a normal life, she starred in no wanted posters. No, what would hurt her chances of living a normal life was her consuming hatred of the law, there was no way she could be in a society that obeyed them, not after they barged into their home and killed her family... not after they barged in and killed Bill.
Bill Williamson, he was surely dead and gone and there was nothing she could do about it. He was gone and she had already admitted to herself that of everyone, his death had hit her the hardest. His death had hit her so hard that she dreaded opening her eyes every morning and being faced with the reality that he was gone. It was so fresh, like an open wound covered in salt. Like a knife to the heart. In fact, when she thought about it, her chest grew tight as if her heart could barely beat. He was gone. She pulled the thin sheet she was gifted with as a cover up over her shoulders and turned her back to Dutch, trying to get comfortable on the old cot.
She began crying silently, shaking with her sobs and soon, she felt a hand rest gently on her shoulder followed by the sound of a voice, "I know it's hard." She was surprised to hear the voice of Sadie Adler instead of Dutch and was relieved that it seemed the fallen leader had left to go fishing already.
Celina shook her head and trembled with mental anguish, "It's all his fault. D-Dutch might as well have killed them himself."
Sadie was quiet for a moment, "I know sweetie." Her voice held grief and empathy as well, "I know that it seems that way, but... Dutch, he's... he's doing the best he can to deal with this too. He is devastated."
Celina shrugged, "He should be, it's his fault." She rolled over to face Sadie and closed her eyes in an extended blink before making eye contact with her, "Dutch was more interested in being an outlaw than a father or a husband. I tried to tell him that this was going to happen, or something like it was going to if he didn't quit making noise but he wouldn't listen. He needs to feel bad. Maybe... maybe this is what he needs to change him and get him to stop being a criminal."
Sadie kept quiet and nodded, "Maybe."
"But it's too late. After all of this, how are we supposed to come back from this? Not only he and I, but what remains of the gang?" She shook her head, "I wish the best for Dutch, I really do... but I don't know that I can be in a relationship with him anymore, Sadie. I'm afraid that he will always be a constant reminder of what happened. And... how... how would I even know that he is really done with robbing even if he is? He's said that he was done with it so many times now, but he always goes back to it. What if I can get past this... we can get past it, but he gets right back into robbing again down the line? Do I really want to subject myself to that kind of heartbreak again?" She reached up and wiped the tears from her face, "You know, sometimes I wish that I would have left after we killed Micah... sometimes I think it would have been better if I had."
"No," Sadie shook her head and sat down in the chair beside the cot, knowing that she may not be going anywhere for a little while, "Everything would have been worse without you around, you know that, there's no question about it."
Celina didn't comment on that, her mind going back to thoughts of Bill. She licked her lips, "Do you think that Bill is dead?"
The other woman hesitated, looking down at the ground briefly before nodding slowly, "I don't see how he could have gotten out of that back there. It, it was bad. It was really bad. I mean, stranger things have happened, he could be alive, but the odds?... I'm afraid that we may be the only ones that made it out."
Celina nodded back at her with a heave heart, "That's what I think too..." She smiled slightly, forcing the expression onto her face as she thought back to how that day had gone before the Pinkertons had arrived, "You know, I told him that day, before everything went to hell that I had loved him, that I had been in love with him when he and I were together and I meant it." She sniffled, "Oh lord I meant it." She smiled a bit at the fact that she had been able to tell him that before he was killed, "You know, I was going to give Dutch one more chance," She nodded, "I was... one more chance and if he wasn't willing to give Jimmy and this new baby the life they deserved, Bill and I were going to leave. He was... he was going to step up and be a dad to the both of them." At her words, the dam broke and she shed a fresh wave of tears, wiping at her running nose with her sleeve, "Now he's gone." The look she had on her face was one of a truly broken woman, "Bill is dead. If we..." She gasped for air, "If we would have just left earlier in that day, if I hadn't been willing to give Dutch yet another chance then he would still be alive and... and." She stopped herself from saying anything further, "I've given Dutch so many chances, Sadie... he's put me through so much that I don't even really know why I love him sometimes... like at times like this, but I do. I can't help it. Even when I hate him more than anything, I still love him."
Sadie gave a sad, sympathetic smile, "That's because it's true love. I didn't know you loved Bill too though. I know talking about this stuff is hard. It's terrible but I am happy that you're finally talking about it. You've hardly said anything this past... near week. Don't you think that maybe you should try to talk to Dutch?"
Celina shook her head. Sadie didn't really have anything to say about what it was she was saying, that was understandable. Just because Celina had been talking bad about Dutch didn't mean that Sadie was going to or that she even agreed with what she was saying. It was ok though that she wasn't commenting much, she was there listening to her and that was all that mattered. She wasn't sure that she was truly up for an elongated conversation about everything anyway, "I don't want to talk to Dutch, I don't even want to look at Dutch right now. She sniffled, "Please don't say anything to him about this. I don't want him to know what was said. Not right now anyway. He doesn't need to know about Bill and I."
It was at that moment that Dutch slowly stepped into the room, an unreadable expression on his face, "I've got to say, it is too late for that."
Celina stared at him for a moment in shock, she obviously hadn't expected him to be right outside the shack. How much had he heard? Despite not wanting to talk to him, she had to ask, "How long were you standing there and how much did you hear? I thought you had left to go fishing."
Dutch stared at her for a long, silent moment before looking over at Sadie with the same unreadable expression, "I had thought that I would try to talk to you before we left but when I went to come back, I saw Sadie entering the shack, so I waited." Dutch set his jaw, "I heard everything." He kept his head held high, clearly trying not to look affected by what he had heard her say, "So glad to know how you feel about me, miss Knoll."
Celina just stared back at him at that, unsure of what to say, she could tell that he was upset behind his façade of steel, that much was obvious. She had meant what she had said though, whether she intended for him to hear it or not. She couldn't lie and say that she was sorry, so she didn't. Instead, she met his gaze, "I am sorry that you heard what you did." It hurt, to hear him call her miss Knoll. He used to do it out of habit but had, after years of her insisting he drop the name altogether, had eventually managed to do so. Saying it now, he was trying to hurt her, his tone dry with it. He wanted her to feel something, like she had made him feel. He wanted her to regret what she had said and let her know how distant the two of them were now. She did the only thing she could think of, nodding with a dangerous glint in her eyes, "Well you're welcome, Mr. Van Der Linde." As the words left her mouth, she only felt her sorrow and pain all the more. Everything was ruined- destroyed.
Dutch nodded, "So this is what it's about is it?" He gestured to her lying on the cot, "This is all about Bill. Bill Williamson of all people. You're lying here like this grieving Bill Williamson so much that you can't even get up and be a mother."
"Woah, woah, woah," Sadie stood up at that and pointed at Dutch accusing, "What makes you think that you have the right to go and speak to her like that? She is greiving just as we all are and you're going to go and say stuff like that to her? Who do you think you are?"
Dutch cleared his throat, "Please Sadie, if you would just let us have a moment alone, that would be appreciated."
Celina glared daggers at Dutch, "No, she won't let us have a moment alone. I don't want her to." Celina climbed out of her cot and walked up to the outlaw, fury in her blue eyes as she stared right into his dark ones, "Go to hell, Dutch. You go straight to hell for what you've cost us and what you've said to me." Tears of anger welled up in her eyes, "I wish I would have left you long ago. I should have went with Bill. I should have stayed behind to help them," she sniffled, "This is all your fault."
...
The weeks turned to months and luckily, they had not been found in the small, less than luxurious shacks they remained holed up in. How many months had passed? Seven. Seven months had passed, and they were surely but slowly bringing in money to get themselves out of the situation they were presently in. Celina's stomach had grown drastically as it should and with it, her appetite had increased to the point that she was eating more than Sadie and Arthur combined. She looked over at Dutch with a small smile on her face after wiping her mouth. He had brought back deer which they had cooked for dinner that evening and it had hit the spot for the pregnant woman wonderfully, "You know, this is actually good."
Dutch chuckled, "Anything for you. Even if you want to eat all of the food we bring in."
Celina feigned offense, "Are you calling me fat?"
Dutch looked down at her stomach pointedly and raised a brow with a smile, "Well, not exactly."
She laughed and hit at him before looking over to Sadie and Arthur who were watching the two of them in amusement, "When are the two of you going to have a baby?"
Sadie smiled mischievously, "Depends on when the two of you finally get back together."
Celina's mouth gaped open in surprise and she looked over at Dutch who looked just as taken aback, "Sadie!" She knew the woman was playing with her, of course she was but the truth was that she couldn't say for sure if they were going to get back together. Despite Dutch's heartfelt apology and attempt to make things right five months ago, she wasn't sure that she would ever feel the same way she used to feel towards Dutch Van Der Linde. Despite what she thought initially- that she wouldn't ever forgive him, she had found forgiveness in her heart for him.
After all, it wouldn't have been possible for him to have known what was going to happen due to him robbing that bank. If he had known, without doubt he wouldn't have done it. So yes, she forgave him for the events which had brought on the destruction of the gang and the homestead. She forgave him for the deaths that they were forced to cope with, Bill's included. She forgave him for the fact that the life she loved was shot to bits.
However, she had learned over the months that she just could not take him back. No matter what a special place he held in her heart and how much he meant to her, she would not romantically involve herself with Dutch Van Der Linde ever again- not after all that had happened. Being a mom, she couldn't subject her kids to a life that could so drastically change in the blink of an eye. She couldn't subject to having to run with them from the law at a moment's notice.
As long as she stayed with Dutch, she was risking subjecting Jimmy and the new baby to the dangerous life Dutch lived and she couldn't do that. If it weren't for the kids, she still wasn't sure that she would be able to go back to Dutch. She wasn't sure she would be able to go back to Dutch even without the kids taken into consideration because every time she looked at him, she was reminded of all they had lost... all he had caused them to lose and everything he had put her through. She was reminded that at any time, no matter what he said he could fall back into the outlaw life, robbing and killing and that wasn't a fear that she wanted to live with.
It wasn't even that it was a fear that she didn't want to live with exactly, but that it was something that he had promised her time and time again that he was done with. Each time he promised that, he broke that promise and each time he broke that promise, she lost her faith and trust in him a little more. Now that, that was something she couldn't live with, a man who she couldn't trust to keep his word. No matter how much she loved him, no matter where they went or what lifestyle they tried to live, she knew that Dutch would always be a bad judgement call away from attempting to get a score and blowing their cover. She couldn't have a man who she was always terrified would rob a bank or train... or whatever and get the law on them all over again..
. No, and unfortunately, that man was Dutch no matter how badly she didn't want it to be... and no matter what he said.
The last time he promised he would change, she couldn't bring herself to think was any different... not even after the great loss they had all suffered through. She couldn't take that chance, not for the sake of her own heart, her own life, or the lives of her children. She couldn't stay with a man that risked exposing himself as the notorious Dutch Van Der Linde every day of his life. She knew the time to break off from him and start a life of her own was coming. He would stay in her life, as a friend- hopefully. But that was it. That had to be it. She knew that she couldn't be happy in a relationship with him when she couldn't help but to blame him for all that happened. It would never work, not now. It wouldn't be healthy to be with him when she couldn't force herself to stop holding him to blame. Dutch Van Der Linde was ruined for her.
FIVE MONTHS AGO***
Dutch stood outside the door to the shack that Celina shared with James, peering in at the woman who remained on her bed with her back to the door. He took a deep breath, he felt terrible, everything that had happened within the last two months, it really was his fault.
He should have listened to her and then when he found out that she had been in love with Bill, he shouldn't have reacted in the way he had. Sure, it had been a bit more than a month ago when he had overheard her speaking with Sadie about Bill and how she felt, but was it too late to apologize for his behavior? He tried to gain the courage to walk in there and sit down beside her bed. He wanted to talk to her about what had happened, and he wanted to apologize.
It had been over a month since she had last spoken to him for more than a minute. Even then, what she had to say to him had been short and bitter. He ran his hands over his slicked black hair before twisting the rings on his fingers distractedly. She had thrown the ring he had given her so long ago at his face after they escaped from the Pinkertons after Bill had supposedly been killed. He deserved to have his gift thrown back in his face, he knew that. Most of all, Dutch knew there was only one way to even have a shot at making things right with Celina again as he so desperately wanted to.
He had been butt-hurt for a while after finding out that she had been planning on leaving with Bill. After the law couple weeks though, he had managed to get himself past it. He wanted to make things right with her, prove to her just what kind of a man he could be if she would give him the chance. It was true as well that she had given him many chances which he had blew numerous times. This was going to be different though, if he could just get one more chance he vowed to himself that he would never blow it- never.
He took another deep breath and entered the shack, even after two months of being holed up in the area, she still hardly got out of bed unless absolutely needed. Luckily, she had started eating more without doubt her intake of food was to keep the baby healthy rather than to satisfy her own needs. He cleared his throat as he entered the cabin through the permanently open door, "Can we talk, please?"
Celina didn't bother to even look at him or move for that matter, "Go away, Dutch. Why would I want to talk to you of all people?"
He exhaled slowly, maybe it was well and truly too late, maybe she wouldn't listen to him no matter what he had to say, "I owe you an apology." When she refused to respond to him, he sighed and entered the shack the rest of the way, taking a seat in the chair next to her cot, "I am so very sorry about the others. I should have listened to you and if I had I know we would never have been in the situation we are in now." He paused, "I'm sorry about them all... I, I am so very sorry... I'm sorry about Bill."
"Yeah, well, he's dead just like the rest of them. There's no changing that." She felt a tear roll down her face at her own words. It still seemed so unreal that he was really gone- that they all were really gone. Dutch stated at her for another moment, he wasn't really good in situations such as these and he had half the mind to get Lenny to try to help him. He knew though that if she were going to forgive him, he needed to get her to do so himself and not rely on the heartfelt words of others.
He glanced over to the door, wishing that there was something he could do to get her to listen to him. He licked his lips and crossed his arms over his chest, "I'm sorry for how I reacted when I heard that..." He tilted his head to the side slightly as he thought back to how he reacted upon hearing that she was fixing to leave with Bill. It hadn't been good, and it hadn't been kind, he had just about thrown the events of that terrible day right back in her face out of pain that she was really set to leave him, "I am sorry that I wasn't there for you these last couple months." He sighed heavily not even sure if he would forgive himself, "I should have been there to help you for this, but I wasn't. Hell, I probably reacted in the worst way I possibly could. Acting like you wished I would have been killed instead... that was unacceptable."
He spoke with confidence, sure of his words, "I see that now. I should have seen it sooner, but I do. I do now." He looked down at the ground, kicking his foot across the floor in thought, "I- I didn't know that you had loved Bill. I knew that you liked him quite a bit, but I didn't know that you fell in love with him over that time we spent broken up... I... I didn't think about you loving someone other than myself and if I hadn't found out how I did... maybe I could have been better to you about his death. I... I didn't want to lose anyone. Even if you would have chosen him over mem I wouldn't have ever wished death on him or anyone else. I know it's my fault..." Dutch shook his head in shame at himself and his own actions, "I tell you, he loved you too for what it's worth. Bill Williamson wouldn't have ever stepped up to be a dad to the kids if he didn't love you. You're a hell of a woman and I know that you made him happy. Hell, you make me happy... I just hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, maybe not now- but one day... maybe. If not be with me then just... forgive me."
He stared at her back which she kept turned to him, listening to him silently but not daring to look his way, "I think that if Bill could step up and be a dad, I can, don't you think? I... I'll give it up, I'll give it all up, permanently- the robbing. I'll be done with it for the rest of my life, that I swear on my mother's grave if you will just forgive me. You don't have to take me back... just, just forgive me and I'll change. I promise." What he said he meant with all of his heart, he held it true in the deepest depths of his soul and he only hoped that the woman he loved would recognize it as the truth as well. Would it be enough to earn her forgiveness, would anything ever be enough to earn her forgiveness?
...
A/N: Late night post, too tired to write note but please let me know what you think of this chapter and what you think will/want to happen!
Disclaimer: I do not own Red Dead Redemption 1 or 2 or anything associated with it.