Turning a Corner

By the time I got back inside, the Sunday company was gone, and for that I was grateful. I'd managed to get things worked out with Pappy and I had some idea of how to fix things with Jack, but I wasn't up for a house full of people. Honestly, I wouldn't even mind if my talk with Jack was put off until tomorrow.

I found Doralice in the girls' bedroom, and all three of them were on the floor. Doralice was sitting as ladylike as possible while the babies were laid on a quilt. Doralice was talking to one of them but looked up as I entered the room. She smiled. "You looked relatively unscathed."

I sort of smiled back. "I believe I am. He said some things that actually made a lot of sense. You both did." I sat down next to her. "Where's Jack?"

"In the bed."

"Already?" He usually wasn't in the bed this early.

"He's had a rough day, and he hasn't been sleeping too well lately. That's why he left."

I looked down at my daughter and stroked her cheek. "I see."

"Bret, Beauregard, and I all talked to him. He said he wasn't trying to run away, just get away for a while."

"I can understand that. I guess I need to talk to him tomorrow."

Doralice gave me a pointed look. "Are you ready for that?"

I could hear a touch of accusation in her voice. "Yes," I told her hoping to convey I was properly ashamed of how I'd been acting lately. "I told you, you and Pappy both made some good points and the fact is . . . I haven't been a very good father lately."

"Bart, that's not true . . . ."

I put my fingers over Doralice's mouth. "Let me explain." Doralice fell silent and I continued. "I may have done the best I could for the girls, but I haven't put forth much effort with Jack. You're right, he probably hasn't had a lot of men in his life and when he kept his distance from me, I didn't do anything to try and change it. I kept wondering why he didn't come to me but I didn't try to go to him. Not the way Pappy and Ben did. I guess I can't blame him for staying back."

"I think you may be right."

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. "He thinks I don't care about him." That was probably the thing that bothered me the most about what had gone on between me and Jack. I didn't want him thinking that, and I especially didn't want to act like that.

Doralice grimaced. "I know. Bret talked to him some about that."

"Just what all did y'all talk about?" I was genuinely curious about that. It might make my own talk with him easier, knowing what had already been discussed.

"A little bit of everything, really. He knows what he did was wrong and we talked about him not doing something like that again, but we let him explain his side of the situation too." She smiled. "Beauregard was really good with him."

I shook my head thinking of all the times me and Pappy had butted heads and all the times Bret had to play peacekeeper to two stubborn mules. "You have no idea how . . . odd that sounds."

"He's a good man."

"I agree; one of the best. But he has mellowed out some through the years."

Doralice chuckled. "He's a grandfather now."

I looked back at my girls. "Yes, he is." And I was a father; it was time to act like one, to everyone. No, Jack wasn't mine, but he needed someone, and for the moment, that was me. "I'm lucky I have the both of you," I told Doralice. "To help me see the light when I get sidetracked. I know that's happened a lot since Jack's been here."

"A bit, but you have had a lot going on lately. At least you know what you need to fix now."

"Think Jack will forgive me?"

"I'm sure he will. I told you before; he's just looking for someone to love him." Doralice pushed to her feet. "Now, how 'bout we get these little ladies ready for bed? Then maybe we can get some time to ourselves before . . . ." She trailed off giving Maudie a pointed look.

A gave her a grin as I stood up. "That's a nice thought. I'm not sure it will work, but it's a nice thought."

We spent close to an hour with the girls getting them changed, fed, and ready for bed. By the time we were finished, they both looked ready for sleep; although I knew better than to hope they would both make it through the whole night. Still, I was willing to take what we could get and we were both grateful to sink onto the settee with a cup of coffee. It's funny how things change over time. Before babies came along if Doralice asked me if I wanted coffee, she had something more sensual in mind, but after the last few days, I was more than happy to sit here beside her with actual coffee in my hand. Not that I would object to something else, but that would have to wait until later.

The evening went better than I expected. Doralice and I were able to talk about an hour before she started drifting off on me. Of course, she hadn't slept most of the day like I had so I had her lean her head over on my shoulder and let her sleep. It was about forty-five minutes later that Maudie decided to start screaming.

Doralice stirred and started to get up but I stopped her. "Stay," I told her. "I'll get her."

Doralice didn't protest and stretched out on the settee as soon as I got up.

I hurried into the girls' room and got Maudie out of her cradle, hopefully before she could wake anyone else up. Mindful of the other three people in the house who were trying to sleep I put Maudie up on my shoulder and slipped out the back door. As soon as we were outside I started pacing the yard, bouncing her, and talking to her softly. Her crying continued but I was mindful of what Pappy had said about her being able to tell I was tense and I made every effort to relax.

I don't how long I walked back and forth across the yard talking to Maude about anything and everything that popped into my head. The words didn't seem to have much of an impact on Maudie as she kept right on crying. "Oh, I wish you could talk to me," I said after a while. I'd decided this wouldn't be so bad if I just knew what she wanted. Naturally, that didn't do much good either.

"Please, Maudie," I said as I tried bouncing her a little harder. I kept reminding myself to stay calm but this was a little unnerving. Almost without thinking I started to hum as I bounced her and after a minute I started to softly sing. "There's a yellow rose in Texas, that I'm a going to see, nobody else could miss her, not half as much as me. She cried so when I left her, it like to broke my heart, and if I ever find her, we nevermore will part."

I continued the song and soon noticed Maudie wasn't crying quite as hard as she'd been before. Stunned that she wasn't screaming anymore I stopped and looked at her. "Maudie?" I said quietly, wondering if something was wrong. I found out quickly she was just fine as she started fussing as soon as the walking and singing stopped. Once my fears were alleviated, I wasted no time in started the song again. I sang it through three times before I dared stop again. This time when I checked on her I found she had drifted back to sleep.

She was asleep. I wasn't stupid enough to whoop out loud, but it was tempting. My little girl who had spent weeks screaming for hours every night had gone back to sleep. Not only had she gone back to sleep, I had gotten her back to sleep. Not Bret, not Maude, not Pappy or Doralice, but me. I thought about Pappy's words from earlier "you just keep lovin' those girls like I know you do and you'll all be fine." I cradled my daughter closer and kissed her head; maybe Pappy knew what he was talking about after all.

XXXXXXX

The rest of the night passed uneventfully. Of course, neither Maudie nor Belle slept the whole night through, but Maudie didn't go into any more of her screaming fits. She woke up a couple more times, but we were able to calm her within half an hour or so and Doralice was amazed my singing seemed to sooth Maudie so quickly. It wasn't the first time we'd tried singing to calm her and it had never worked before. Why it worked now I didn't know and I didn't care, just so long as it kept working. It seemed the colic was simply fading away as Simon had told us it would. Again, I didn't care what the reason was. As long as something worked, I'd do it.

Thanks to our semi-peaceful night, I was feeling pretty good by the time I got up the next morning. I wasn't naive enough to think Maudie's problems were over, but I was at least hopeful we were nearing the end of her colic and getting closer to normal nights. Being able to calm her myself had also helped me feel like less of a failure than I had before. Maybe I wasn't totally hopeless as a father. I still had Jack to deal with, however, and even though I was feeling better about Maudie, I wasn't sure what I needed to do with him.

I expressed my concerns to Doralice after I got up and she, being the woman she is, suggested I just get it over with. She was more polite than that, but that's what she meant. We'd talked quite a bit about Jack before she'd fallen asleep last night and her advice was I try to explain things to Jack just as I had to her. Well, that was as good as anything so I decided to see what I could do. It would be pretty hard to mess things up any worse than I already had.

I went to Jack's room and softly knocked on the door. When Jack answered I opened it and asked to come in. Jack eyed me warily but nodded. I assumed he'd been warned I was going to come talk to him.

Jack sat down on his bed and once again I found myself on the receiving end of that look of his. I took a deep breath and hoped for the best. "It seems like I spend a lot of time apologizing to you."

Jack dropped his gaze. "I'm sorry I ran off," he said quietly. "I didn't mean to upset you and I wasn't runnin' away I just . . . Maudie was crying all the time and . . . ."

"Well, I understand that," I told him hoping to put him at ease.

Jack looked up. "Really?"

He smiled at him. "Really." I motioned to the bed. "Can I sit down?" He shrugged and I took that as a yes. I sat down next to him and thought about my next words carefully. "I understand, but you shouldn't have run off that way. You could have been hurt or lost. You should always tell someone when you want to go somewhere."

Jack sighed. "I know. That's what Bret said too. He also told me you weren't really mad, just worried and sometimes when people were scared or worried they act mad."

It sounded like Brother Bret had done this before. I didn't know when that would have been, but maybe I need to seek his advice more often. "He's right. I was worried, I was afraid something had happened to you. But I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. I could have told you I was unhappy without yelling. I'm sorry too."

"I told Doralice I won't run off without telling someone again."

I chuckled. "Well, I'd rather you not run off at all, but it's always a good idea to tell someone where you're going. And I won't yell at you like that again either. Sound like a deal?"

Jack looked at me for a long moment before he nodded. "Okay."

"Good. Now there's somethin' else I want to talk to you about."

Jack wiggled around some. "Like what?"

"What you said down by the river, about me not wantin' you here. That's just not true, Jack." Between Pappy and Doralice and even Maudie, I'd done some soul searching, and I'd finally made peace with all of this. Maybe Jack wasn't what I had signed up for, but I told Dandy I'd look after his package, and I was going to that. As Doralice had pointed out, Jack had nothing to do with this, he just went where people sent him and he deserved to feel safe and wanted. "I don't mind you being here, and I want you to be happy here."

"You never seemed to want me around."

"I know it probably seemed that way, but I didn't mean for it to. Remember what Bret said about people getting scared and worried? Well, I've been worried about a lot of different things lately, and I've probably said a lot I shouldn't have. I know you're scared too . . . ."

"I'm not scared," Jack cut in.

"It's okay to be scared, Jack. I was about your age when my mama died and I know it's scary."

"I'm not scared," Jack said again, a bit more defiantly this time.

I thought back to what Doralice had said earlier and my heart broke a little. No, Jack wasn't scared; he was terrified, and who could blame him. He'd been through so much lately he probably had no idea how he should feel. And Dandy . . . well, what was Jack supposed to think about Dandy? Had he known anything about his father before this? Did he know anything at all about Jim other than the fact he was supposed to come back at some point?

"I'm sorry if I made you feel like you weren't wanted here, Jack," I told him deciding to get the conversation off of his feelings. "I told you before I wanted you to feel like this was home for as long as you were here, and I mean that. Until your dad gets here, this is home, and we want you here."

Jack finally looked at me and I was surprised to see how sad he looked. "It's okay," he said. "I know the truth."

"What?" I was genuinely confused.

"About my daddy." Jack sighed and his little shoulders slumped. "He's not coming."

My stomach dropped. Had Jack heard some of the talking I'd done? I hoped not; there was no way I could explain Dandy and what he was doing to Jack. I didn't even understand it myself. "What . . . why do you say that?"

"Because he doesn't want me."

My heart cracked again at how matter-of-fact that simple phrase was, and what was worse was the fact I didn't know how to respond. How could I reassure Jack when I had doubts about Dandy myself? "Jack . . . there's no . . . why . . . why do you think that?"

"If he wanted me he'd be here; he'd come to get me. Mama always said he wouldn't come back to see us and he's not gonna come back now."

"Jack, I . . . ." I had nothing to say. Mostly because I feared Jack was right.

"Why did mama want me to go to him? He doesn't love me." Jack looked up at me, tears in his eyes. "Why'd she have to go? Why couldn't she stay with me?"

My cracked heart shattered when I heard that; I remembered asking that question more than once myself. "It wasn't her choice, Jack," I told him tears burning my own eyes. "She would have stayed if she could have. She loves you."

"But I miss her." The tears finally spilled over.

Unable to stop myself I reached over and pulled him into my lap. Jack threw his arms around my neck and buried his face in my shoulder as sobs began to wrack his body. I sat there holding him, my heart breaking as a similar scene between me and Pappy came to mind. It was shortly after mama died and I had been just as lost and hurt as Jack was now; a couple of tears even rolled down my own cheeks as Jack continued to sob. Heartbreaking as it was to see Jack release his pain, I couldn't help but feel something good was happening. Something told me this was something Jack had needed to do for a long time. He'd likely been keeping it all bottled up inside, too afraid to let us know he was scared, and finally, he felt safe enough to let it out.

Jack held on to me and cried until there were no tears left, but they were healing tears. By the time he'd finished, I felt we had both healed some.