The Arch-Mage's New Rules
Disclaimer: I may have logged 1,000+ hours in Skyrim, but that still doesn't mean I own it, sadly. It just means I have no life. I also don't own Immersive College of Winterhold, S.W.I.F.T., and any other Skyrim mod referenced in this fic.
- From the desk of the Arch-Mage:
After the events of the last few weeks, Mirabelle and I have put together some more additions to my list of rules. All members of the College are obliged to follow them, on pain of the usual penalties, unless otherwise stated.
Any complaints that my predecessor was not nearly so harsh and let you get away with most, if not all, of your shenanigans will be met with the fact that the last group of students before my graduating class all perished in various messy ways. The death rate has dropped since I took over and I aim to keep it that way. Also, I'm fairly sure that his skooma habit had something to do with his extremely lax approach to College management. However, let us speak no (more) ill of the dead.
- Celeste Lachapelle, Arch-Mage of the College of Winterhold
21) Some of you may not be aware, but I trained as a bard in my childhood in High Rock and have performed in my fair share of taverns in Tamriel. I've heard all the drinking songs before, even the bawdiest. By the Nine, I've even performed some of those songs before on request. (The things a starving college student will do for money…) Therefore, if you think you'll provoke a dramatic reaction out of me by spontaneously standing up and spouting off one of those songs during meal times, you are sadly mistaken.
a) I have, in fact, joined the Bards' College in Solitude and remain a member in good standing. If you write terrible songs about me as the terrible Arch-Mage who passes all these rules limiting your fun, I reserve full rights to critique your meter and rhyme.
b) Challenging me to a song battle in the Hall of the Elements will only end in your miserable defeat. However, you are still welcome to try. Pick your weapon of choice: voice or lute. I'm ready whenever you are.
c) I thought you students had learned your lesson after the newsletter incident, but apparently not. Any students who compose and then perform bawdy songs involving me in any way, shape, or form have no right to be surprised when I compose songs right back featuring them instead. Maybe the fact that my songs are so catchy and everyone goes around humming them until you are thoroughly humiliated will teach you a lesson. (It probably won't, but I remain hopeful.)
22) All research into time-travel and time magic is banned for a reason, just like all attempts to recreate the disappearance of the Dwemer. The College policy on this sort of thing is clearly stated in the code of conduct, which I shall summarize here: We don't care if you have a death wish with your research; we just don't want to get dragged into the middle of it, as well.
23) Standard policy for any items retrieved from a Dwemer ruin is to wait several days before selling any of them or using them in any research in case letters arrive from Calcelmo in Markarth concerning them. I know it's annoying, but live with it. He pays good money and the College has for decades now enjoyed a profitable working relationship with him. Why else do you think we get autographed first copies of his works?
a) No, you can't hide from the couriers carrying his letters, and even running immediately away to Solstheim won't save you from them. They will find you.
b) Trust me, if we could figure out if they're using a locator spell and, if so, how it works, we would be on that so fast your head would spin.
c) On that subject, no, we also don't know how Calcelmo always learns someone's been digging around in a Dwemer ruin and brought items out. The most plausible theory is that he maintains a pensieve watch over the major ruins. The most popular theory is that he's studied the Dwemer for so long he's developed a particular clairvoyance for anything to do with them. We may not actually want to know…
24) If anyone asks, the most important part of being an officially-recognized conjurer in good standing with the College is that you get to go into caves and throw fireballs at necromancers up to weird and messy magic. Trust me, it's an excellent feeling.
25) The next person to try using a low-powered Flame Cloak to keep warm in this wonderful Skyrim weather will not only be forced to shift for themselves to find new clothing to replace their charred rags, they will also clean the soot and scorch marks off the floors and wall and spend some quality time chopping firewood or polishing the Dwemer boiler in the subterrarium, as need dictates.
26) Occasionally having tea and discussing new applications of the School of Restoration with the all-knowing disembodied soul of a former College student (i.e. the Augur of Dunlain) still does not make me a necromancer. The Augur and I are both very annoyed and disgusted by the perpetuation of this rumor, and the Augur has invited anyone who still mocks our school to run the gauntlet of his mastery test and see how well you fare.
27) Everyone should know the standing policy: If any deranged Nords show up asking for me to open a portal to Sovngarde for them, the answer is no. They can travel there themselves after a heroic death in battle, the same as the rest of them. We have copies of A Dream of Sovngarde to pass out to them for this exact purpose.
28) If you want to use the Snow-Elven wayshrines to travel quickly around Skyrim, as I do, then you'll follow the same arduous route I did to learn the theory behind soul energy and the conduits through Aetherius. Have fun.
29) Growing strange weeds in a corner of the lustratorium and then smoking the dried leaves is not necessarily illegal in Skyrim (yet), but the use of magic while high on the resulting fumes and while possibly seeing things strange enough for the minds of Daedric princes is definitely ill-advised. Sleeps-In-Blossom is not amused at the mess. I have given her my full permission to punish the culprits with helping her in the upkeep of the lustratorium for as long as needed, until they learn their lesson.
30) Pets are not allowed in the College dormitories.
a) This includes all manner of live animals: dogs, cats, foxes, birds, etc. This is for their own safety, after the incident involving a student in search of more petty souls for his soul gems. Also, quarters are small, and the mess and noise are disturbing to other students.
b) Atronachs are not pets, and the summoning of them is forbidden in the dormitories. This is clearly stated in the code of conduct. Do read up on it.
c) Zombies of all sorts are not pets and may not be claimed as such, even if you use a raise spell on the freshly dead corpse of your beloved Fluffy. If you can write me a decent research proposal on your attempts to prolong the Dead Thrall spell and use your beloved Fluffy as a test subject, that is another matter entirely, provided your research proposal has been submitted through the proper channels and approved. Said test subject still needs to be kept in another location than the dormitories, however. I suggest finding a quiet corner of the Midden and trapping it to keep out any meddlers.
d) Scamps are not pets. Daedroth are not pets. Any creature from the planes of Oblivion should not be claimed as a pet and may not be kept in the College dormitories. This is my last warning.
Author's Note:
I welcome suggestions for further rules!