The Arch-Mage's New Rules
Disclaimer: I may have logged 1,000+ hours in Skyrim, but that still doesn't mean I own it, sadly. It just means I have no life. I also don't own Immersive College of Winterhold, S.W.I.F.T., and any other Skyrim mod referenced in this fic.
- From the desk of the Arch-Mage:
The messes I have to clean up as Arch-Mage grow stranger and stranger each week. Mirabelle assures me that this is par for the course for the College, and she does seem admirably level-headed and only mildly exasperated with each new occurrence rather than wholly flabbergasted. If this is what she's had to deal with for the past few years, my respect for her has only grown.
Here are the new rules. Do try to comply with them. I have posted them in the usual places and the usual penalties apply, unless otherwise stated. Now, I'm off to the marshes to close another magical rupture and roast some draugr in nearby crypts while I'm there. Please behave for Mirabelle while I'm gone. If you do not, I have authorized Master Urag gro-Shrub to restore order using a new conjuration spell he found in the books we recovered from Riften.
- Celeste Lachapelle, Arch-Mage of the College of Winterhold
31) I will not supply you any dragon bones, scales, blood, or any other part of a dragon's body for your research, unless you are one of my well-respected and elderly mentors who legitimately should not go traipsing up mountains and fighting dragons. If you want said dragon body parts, go harvest them yourself.
32) I do not give advances on your research grants, especially not when you lost most of your funds in last night's card game. I do not care how many exaggerated stories you have heard of my wealth as the Last Dragonborn, and I will not bestow hundreds of septims upon any student foolish enough to play Enthir in poker. I did my time as a starving college student, and you can do yours. If you desperately need coin, Sergius Turranius is always in need of gofers to both fetch items for enchanting and deliver them to customers.
33) The open consumption of human flesh and human hearts is generally to be avoided even on College grounds. If you are a Bosmer observing the Green Pact, speak with the cook to make necessary arrangements. If you are a devotee of Namira, I'm still not impressed. If you are a particularly fanatical alchemist, good luck getting business except with necromancers in a cave somewhere. Even here at the College there are some lines we do not like to cross.
34) If enough well-reasoned arguments are put forward, I may consider re-establishing the School of Mysticism here at the College of Winterhold. At the very least, I am considering re-establishing study on many spells the practice of which is thought to have been lost, such the resist, fortify, and damage attribute and skill spells. Tel Mithryn has been most helpful in this regard.
35) The recent string of burglaries in the Arcanaeum and the dormitories leads me to remind you all to magically lock and trap your things. Make it not worth the effort for a sticky-fingered thief or a rival trying to sabotage your research. I have myself caught various members of the Thieves Guild trying – the key word here is 'trying' – to snatch my Stone of Barenziah (at least, the only one they know of). I expect to see belongings properly secured away when I return. Now, Master Urag gro-Shub and I are off to Riften to recover our stolen books and to sic atronachs on the hapless fools who dared to steal from a pack of mages.
36) Viewing of the items locked away in the Sanctuary may only be done under my direct supervision and for a very good reason (i.e. not idle curiosity). I will instantly teleport back anyone who makes a move to touch any of the artifacts. Do not think you can overpower me with weapon or magic and then steal an artifact, either. More dangerous creatures than you have tried and failed.
a) I am under no requirement to provide you with a list of the dangerous items locked up in the Sanctuary.
b) I will not confirm or deny any rumors that an artifact of Mannimarco's is locked away in the Sanctuary. This still does not make me a necromancer.
c) Some of the items in the Sanctuary can do you grave harm upon contact. Remember, these rules exist for your safety just as much as they do for my sanity.
d) No, I did not acquire all of the objects by myself. This College is much older than I am.
e) If any of the items could be put to a beneficial purpose without posing grave danger to the College, they would already be put to said beneficial purpose. Need I remind you of the Dwemer boiler in the subterrarium?
f) How does the possibility of Daedric artifacts locked away in a room on the College roof somehow translate to me being the girlfriend of various Daedric princes? I will never understand the minds of college students. I was one, so you would think I should, but apparently not.
g) Sanguine repeatedly proposing a drinking contest to me under various disguises does not count. I am wise enough to refuse every time. The Sanguine Rose is not worth it. I do not try to amass Daedric artifacts and have even participated in the destruction of at least one. I have a friend in Dawnstar who can attest to this. You, however, are welcome to try drinking with Sanguine yourself, if he takes an interest in you, and we can all enjoy your subsequent humiliation.
37) Fine, we can have a celebration to mark the anniversary of Ancano's downfall. It's not the same date as the anniversary of Savos Aren's death, so it shouldn't be in excessively poor taste. I propose that we take a page out of the Bards College's book and burn Ancano in effigy. My experience with one of Ancano's lackeys in Labyrinthian suggests that Thalmor burn very well.
a) I will not support any attempts to perform a voodoo doll spell on the effigy of Ancano, but I will point out that he is quite dead. I made sure of that. However, if you do achieve any observable results upon his spirit, wherever it may reside, make note of them. The Thalmor do not seem to have quite bought the story we spun for them about his unfortunate 'disappearance' while investigating a lead on Talos-worship in the ice-fields to the north, as they keep trying to send replacement ambassadors. If your spell is successful, we may have need of it after all.
b) We do not need to re-enact the dramatic fight in the Hall of the Elements. For one thing, no one wants to play the part of Ancano, and the Eye of Magnus is no longer present.
c) You want to dress an atronach in Thalmor robes and have it play the part of Ancano? Well. You can try. I shall enjoy watching the shenanigans that are sure to result.
d) If I am talked into bringing out the Staff of Magnus for my participation in this farce, it will be for viewing purposes only. No, you may not hold it, no matter how much flattery you heap upon me or it. I most certainly will not use it, as it can drain an individual's entire magicka pool in a few seconds and then it will begin draining your life-force. Aedric artifacts are not toys.
e) Conjure Magical Anomaly is not a spell taught as part of the regular curriculum in the School of Conjuration for good reason, and even the Conjure Magical Anomaly Soul can be quite dangerous. Once you have achieved a rank of at least expert in conjuration, however, you may request additional tutelage.
38) While I applaud the ingenuity and magical talent of the individual who created Mundus's first spell to rain sweet rolls down from the heavens, I would also like to ask this individual to kindly cease and desist. Sheogorath approves from his realm in Oblivion, certainly, but the civilians are disturbed and the Jarl is concerned about what the influx of free food might do to the economy.
a) A rain of cabbages is not any more acceptable. Please stop.
b) If this is another ploy to see the Thu'um in action, I will take a break in shouting Clear Skies to introduce the perpetrator to Unrelenting Force. The testimony of various trolls, draugr, automatons, Thalmor, and other test subjects is unanimous in agreeing that this Shout is, indeed, unrelenting. However, I'm always glad to receive the input of a student volunteer.
39) In addition to its pickiness about its growing conditions, Jarrin root is highly lethal not only through ingestion but also through contact with bare skin. Only our resident alchemist, Sleeps-In-Blossom, has the required alchemy mastery certification to handle it. Any request to use a sample of it in research must be cleared through the proper channels and have the gravest of reasons behind it. Any attempt to snatch a sample without dealing with the red tape is doomed to failure, as I have set up extensive magical protections around the plant. The efficacy of these protections has been aptly demonstrated by three members (so far) of the Dark Brotherhood. Incidentally, this is also how we obtained three sets of the uniform of said organization and our investigation into the enchantments placed on those uniforms is going quite well.
40) Officially, the College of Winterhold has no policy against the admission of vampires. However, we do ask that any vampires make use of Potions of Blood instead of feeding off faculty and fellow students, as that would constitute an assault against a College member and incur the usual punishments. In our efforts to drive back the plague of vampirism, Falion of Morthal and I have devised a recipe for Potions of Blood made with animal ingredients, said to be nearly as filling as the real deal. Please speak with the cook to make the proper arrangements.
a) Using vampiric seduction on a member of the College does not make feeding off of that individual any less of an assault, and in fact piles another charge on top of that of feeding. Hitting fellow members of the College or a civilian with a fear, fury, or calm spell in order to do something illegal to them or their property is, in fact, illegal in and of itself.
b) If I were as rabid about ridding the world of vampires as the average member of the Dawnguard, would I be working with one of Skyrim's foremost conjuration masters to seek non-lethal avenues of removing vampirism? I am equally aware that not all cases of vampiric infection are unwanted. Do calm down.
c) Feral vampires and those who aim to prey on the general populace are fair game, however. You have been warned. The Augur of Dunlain claims that I've become a dab hand at Bane of the Undead, and we've worked out a method to enhance the spell's matrix so that the circle of protection is large enough to envelop the whole town of Winterhold. All we've lacked is a proper opportunity to demonstrate this.