The Arch-Mage's New Rules
Disclaimer: I may have logged 1,000+ hours in Skyrim, but that still doesn't mean I own it, sadly. It just means I have no life. I also don't own Immersive College of Winterhold, S.W.I.F.T., and any other Skyrim mod referenced in this fic.
- From the desk of the Arch-Mage:
Mirabelle and I have decided, on the basis of overwhelming evidence, that we simply aren't paid enough to keep up with all the shenanigans going on around here, much less maintain a Synod-approved level of order. Not that we want to meet the Synod's standards, since the Synod is an ineffectual power-hungry mess, but it certainly doesn't help us maintain the facade of respectable, studious mages. (Enthir, I can hear you laughing. Stop.)
I have posted these rules in the usual places and the usual penalties apply, but I won't hold my breath while waiting for them to be rigorously obeyed.
- Celeste Lachapelle, Arch-Mage of the College of Winterhold
41) Stop referring to my official Arch-Mage robes as my 'magic poncho'. This style of garment has many decades of tradition and history behind it. I'm told it is patterned after the mage robes worn in Atmora.
42) I may have an unimpressive stature even for someone of my race as well as the face of a woman half my age, but I do not appreciate any demeaning nicknames referring to my lack of height. I appreciate them even less because none of you have an imagination. I've heard these same insults since my childhood. 'Midget' is so uninspired. 'Girlie' is also unappreciated. Additionally, jokes that I should be relegated to the 'kiddie table' at mealtimes should cease immediately.
a) Speculation that consuming enough dragon souls confers functional immortality remains just that – speculation.
b) No, I have not found any simple gold rings with an invisibility enchantment. Why do you ask?
43) Making realistic models of famous magical artifacts is not illegal. Making functional replicas of famous magical artifacts is not illegal. Making said models or replicas and passing them off as actual famous magical artifacts is, however, illegal. I believe we've spoken about this before, Enthir.
a) While as Arch-Magic of a reputable magical institution I cannot endorse or condone such behavior, I do admit that giving the Synod said replicas is hilarious. I cannot fathom what its members think they will achieve by their snooping around. Do they expect us to keep Daedric artifacts in a broom closet?
b) No, I did not lend academic and magical assistance to the Stormcloak movement solely in order to hinder the movements of the Synod and the College of Whispers in Skyrim, although I agree that that effect has been greatly beneficial to us here in the College of Winterhold.
c) Rumors that I kept the true Jagged Crown and handed over a replica with a copy of my brand-new 'Fortify Shouts' enchantment to Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak will not be confirmed or denied.
44) Regardless of whether you've managed to acquire a working example of a Dwemer control rod or construct a functional replica, Dwemer animunculi are not allowed to run loose in the halls. This applies primarily to spiders and spheres, as steam centurions would not be able to fit down many of our halls. However, this is not an invitation to try shrinking one.
a) Unless, of course, you wish to attempt that feat for an alteration research project, in which case file the appropriate paperwork and register a ritual circle away from careless people whom the centurion might try to attack.
b) All attempts to re-program Dwemer animunculi with fresh soul gems and new enchantments are still banned after the last incident, however.
45) I will not ask you to stop the betting pool over whether I'll encounter Daedric shenanigans of some sort or find a famous artifact whenever I head out on a mission. I've participated in too many betting pools myself. I will not, however, rig or 'throw' my missions in some manner in order that you may win the pool, no matter what incentives you offer.
46) As a friendly warning, you might want to better hide that beer-making operation in the Midden, but not for the reasons you're thinking of. That beer is actually really good. I've tried it. (After checking extensively for poisons and curses first, of course, but that's why I'm still alive even with as many enemies of mortal and of supernatural origin as I have.) Someone is going to swipe your beer stash or whole operation if you don't secure it better.
a) If you can up your manufacturing, consider making a deal with the Frozen Hearth to sell your beer there. The Jarl might try to tax your operation, of course, but it might make you some good coin.
b) I believe Phinis still has the notes from Borvir and Rundi's unfinished research project. They planned to demonstrate practical non-combat applications for magic by using frost spells to chill mead for a better flavor. It's worth looking into. If our enterprising brewers (you know who you are, and I know who you are) want to take on this research project, you can pick up where they left off and complete it for your journeyman test.
c) Yes, I know beer and mead are totally different.
d) Mirabelle informs me that it is now called the adept test, not the journeyman test.
e) There is also an unfinished research project in our archives, begun by a young Dunmer apprentice before the Great Collapse, investigating whether carefully controlled fire spells produce superior glassware, if anyone's more interested in playing around with flames than ice. If someone takes this up, the College will buy any good-quality resulting glassware, as alembics and retorts always seem to be getting broken or misplaced around here…
f) Phinis reminds me to warn all students to conduct their research in safe locations instead of foolishly gallivanting off to known bandit hideouts to practice spells. The class before mine learned this the hard way. If you must run off to locations of dubious safety, trap the entrances and exits to Oblivion and back. Slap down some rune traps, check around for rumors of bandit activity in the area, and make sure any undead are thoroughly dead (again) before getting distracted with your research. Practice common sense, please.
47) I don't particularly mind that someone decided to celebrate Sheogorath's summoning day by decorating the campus with cheese wheels of all description. What I do mind is that the cheese is still present, two days later. Dispose of it.
48) The next joker who hides Master Tolfdir's alembic again will never use any alchemical equipment of better quality than the apprentice sets until they've reached the rank of wizard.
49) All dorm rooms and living spaces are to be kept neat and tidy, with no empty wine bottles, uneaten food, trash, and other clutter left lying around. This is clearly stated in the official code of conduct. Abide by it. We are upstanding mages, not deranged necromancers outcast from society grubbing away in a cave somewhere.
a) Justifications that the trash heaps comprise your worship to Namira will not be accepted. Clean your mess up.
b) Justifications that the trash heaps comprise your worship of Peryite are equally unacceptable. Although I'm sure he'd approve of the disease that is likely to emerge from said trash heaps, he is also known as the Taskmaster and surely would rather approve of the doing of one's own chores.
c) Colette Marence has received permission to appropriate any students with infected wounds or illnesses arising as a result of unsanitary conditions as victims – ahem, practice subjects – for her restoration students. So there.
50) No, N'Gasta! Kvata! Kvakis! is not in any language taught here at the College of Winterhold, nor in any language taught by the Mages Guild during the reign of the Septims or by the Guild's present offshoots. Go ask the sloads.
a) No, I don't know why so many necromancers hoard books in languages they cannot read, either.
b) For your information, the so-called magical languages taught at the College of Winterhold include Dovahzul (known as Dragonish in the mangled form taught in the Iliac Bay), Daedric of various dialects, Giantish, and Spriggan. You should know that, if you've read the college catalogue of courses.
c) The language of spriggans does sound mostly like deer noises and insect buzzing, but it may save your life someday.
d) Different daedra speak different dialects. Imps, for instance, share only half of their vocabulary with Golden Saints. The dialect spoken by dremora, however, is considered 'Standard' Daedric and the most useful, as it is the most widely spoken in the planes of Oblivion.
e) No, you may not sue the College for a refund of your tuition fees when you speak the wrong dialect of Daedric to a Golden Saint and end up grievously wounded for such an offense.