The Arch-Mage's New Rules
Disclaimer: I may have logged 1,000+ hours in Skyrim, but that still doesn't mean I own it, sadly. It just means I have no life. I also don't own Immersive College of Winterhold, S.W.I.F.T., and any other Skyrim mod referenced in this fic.
- From the desk of the Arch-mage:
Post in the usual places, with the usual penalties for infringement unless otherwise noted. I'm too tired to add anything witty because I just got back from closing a magical rupture in the Pale so the Jarl would stop whining at the College. Was chased around by more giants and mammoths than I care to remember right now. Enthir, if you so much as lay a finger on the giant-carved mammoth ivory I brought back, I will string you up and force-feed you mammoth cheese. We'll see how your Bosmer stomach holds up to that.
- Celeste Lachapelle, Arch-Mage of the College of Winterhold
51) The College of Winterhold is not responsible for any bruises, broken noses, and other injuries acquired as a result of smashing face-first into walls while testing overpowered Fortify Speed spells. You can pay one of our Restoration adepts a small fee for healing, or you can submit yourself as a test subject for Colette Marence's apprentice classes and receive free healing that way (or healing attempts).
52) It doesn't matter if you are investigating the alchemical properties of horker tusks. Dead bodies are not to be kept in the dormitories, even if they are under proper security and stasis spells. Half-butchered horker bodies are especially not to be hung from the ceiling.
a) Your dormitory rooms are not cold enough to keep said horker bodies fresh. Need I remind you of that scavenged Dwemer boiler? It provides plenty of heat. I know, because I read the reports on it and its maintenance. If you feel it isn't doing an adequate job, you can always chop firewood for it.
b) Taxidermied alligators or crocodiles are not necessary furnishings for any proper wizard's office or tower, despite what some older mages or literature might tell you. It was a fad for less than a decade in the late Second Era.
c) Insect collections are fine. Snake skins are fine. Tusks, claws, etc. are fine, as long as they are not dripping blood or other dubious fluids. Any recognized alchemical ingredient approved for use by students in general or for a research project in particular may be kept with the proper security and stasis measures. If you do not know the proper methods of preparing and storing alchemical ingredients, please consult with our Master Alchemist, Sleeps-in-Blossom.
53) Velehk Sain was released from the Midden years ago. Enthir, stop telling the gullible new apprentices that dremora pirate gold is hidden down there. I will make you personally copy out these lists by hand for incoming students if you persist in spreading tall tales.
54) While the individual who crafted a Disintegrate Clothing spell to match the already-existing Disintegrate Armor and Disintegrate Weapon spells will receive his expertise certification in Destruction, use of this spell in anything other than a formal duel or a case of self-defense will be counted as an assault against a civilian or against a fellow member of the College, as the case may be, and will be handled by the relevant authorities.
55) …I should really have anticipated the need for this rule. From now on, it is illegal to place or keep books in stacks of three feet or higher, no matter what surface the stack is placed, be it floor or chair or table. We do not need a repeat of our poor librarian's assistant buried underneath an avalanche of books and unable to call for help.
56) Finger of the Mountain is a fragment of an ancient Ayleid weather-manipulating spell-and-enchantment system capable of incredible destruction. Teaching and practice of it is strictly regulated for very good reason, and is only permissible on college grounds or by college members with the signatures of the Arch-Mage, of the College's Master Wizard, and of the College's Destruction Master. The last time an overly ambitious student attempted to practice it, she collapsed a section of the Midden. We do not want a repeat of that incident.
a) For one thing, Finger of the Mountain requires – pardon my Breton – a shit ton of magicka to fuel it, and so its usage is simply not feasible for anyone outside of Atronach-born or a Septim. We're fresh out of Septims, so that leaves the Atronach-born, who will also at least have the spell absorption ability to deal with the shock kickback that learning and using this spell involves. Said electrical kickback can be lethal, another reason why this spell is so heavily regulated.
b) In general, if an ancient and extinct culture had some method of manipulating the weather, it should not be messed with. I'm sure even that Dwemer weather machine in Bamz-Amschend the Nerevarine supposedly uncovered had its dangers. Really, my Clear Skies Shout is the tamest one of the lot… and it's still a Shout.
c) Peer review in magical journals has also raised the possibility that Finger of the Mountain can form a genuine thunderstorm – a symbol of Sheogorath. We do not want to idly summon the Daedric Prince of Madness and Chaos. Remember, any deliberate summoning of Daedric Princes by college members is frowned upon, especially on college grounds.
d) What are they teaching these days in history classes? Yes, those with the Dragon Blood tend to have very high magicka reserves and regeneration rates. The Septims were no stranger to this rule, and they also lived recently enough that we have documentation of this fact. Unfortunately, it is considered kinglier – or more imperial? – to wear armor and swing a sword, so few of the Septims received an extensive magical training. This is a crying shame, I feel. It is my unpopular scholarly opinion that a magical education might have helped Uriel VII deal with some of the troubles surrounding his reign, although it certainly couldn't have prevented everything. It is worth noting that Martin Septim, who did receive magical training, was noted by his teachers at the Arcane University to possess "extraordinary talent" in conjuration. Hmm, was that due to magical ability or to an innate connection to the barriers between Mundus and Oblivion due to the Dragon Blood? …Looks like I've found a topic for my next research paper.
e) As to how I found two-hundred-year-old memos from the Mages Guild, I have my sources. That is all I will say.
f) Mirabelle says I should write less commentary in my rules. I'll provide exactly the proper amount of commentary, no more and no less. I DO WHAT I WANT, MIRABELLE!
57) Bound weapons may not be drawn on civilians or college members as a "joke" and then dispelled, as if their disappearance means they were never brandished in the first place. The guards take this sort of thing seriously, I assure you. If this regrettable fad continues, I will ask Phinis to discontinue teaching all bound weapon spells, including the recently-revived Bound Dagger spell. I will also scrap plans to implement the bound armor spells into the conjuration curriculum.
58) Plenty of training salles for magic practice ring the central portion of the Hall of the Elements, and they have all been warded to withstand heavy magicka discharges. There is no need for two or more students to dispute the usage of one particular sale, regardless of it being a "favorite" of one of the students, and it is particularly embarrassing for said students to engage in a slap fight over it. Another offense of this nature will result in the students involved cleaning all of the salles of dirt, ash, water, and other magickal residue. A third offense will result in the students involved cleaning a section of the Midden of my choosing.
59) Attention, all students. Do not dress in solid black robes and hoods, especially ones with skull motifs, unless you are prepared for everyone to assume you are necromancers and act accordingly, especially if you're trying to be "unconventional" and lurking in dank caves. If you do this and you're not prepared, you will probably be killed by some adventurer, and also probably in some humiliating manner. Don't die for the sake of edginess. It's not worth it.
60) To implement a bit of Nord culture I very much appreciate, and in the interest of public health and hygiene, all college members with access to facilities shall bathe or partake in an equivalent cleansing ritual every Loredas. Appropriate facilities are available in the basement of every dormitory tower.