The Arch-Mage's New Rules
Disclaimer: I may have logged 1,000+ hours in Skyrim, but that still doesn't mean I own it, sadly. It just means I have no life. I also don't own Immersive College of Winterhold, S.W.I.F.T., and any other Skyrim mod referenced in this fic.
- From the desk of the Arch-Mage:
I strongly suspect that, every time I publish a new set of these rules, the students of this College sit around with a few bottles of ale or mead or other alcoholic drink to devise new ways to get up to shenanigans on campus and to give me fresh headaches. Research and experimentation form the lifeblood of a thriving magical community and pave the way for greater advancements in the various mystic schools in the future, but it will do you personally little good if you students kill yourselves in the process - or, say, if you cross your Arch-Mage one too many times and fall victim to one of those punishments of which she has expressly warned you and is in fact in the process of warning you again. Mirabelle and I have already discussed quizzing new apprentices thoroughly on the rules they've received at orientation, in order to ensure they have no chance of pleading ignorance, and don't think I won't make such quizzes mandatory for everyone of adept rank and below, as well.
If you're wondering why experts and up won't be quizzed on basic magical safety practices and honest-to-Divines common sense, that's because stupidity usually kills a mage before he reaches the rank of expert. Contemplate what that means for the survivors. However, this doesn't mean that I will not apply these same rules to the higher-ranked members of this College or hesitate to inflict just punishment.
- Celeste Lachapelle, Arch-Mage of the College of Winterhold
61) Sergius's proposed ban on snowball fights in the college courtyard has been denied. Throw snowballs all you want. Preferrably at Sergius. ENTHIR, STOP VANDALIZING MY RULES!
62) Officially, the College of Winterhold has no policies about werewolves. Any ferocious maimings or murders will be penalized, of course, but I have no particular concern over a werewolf merely existing on campus or transforming. Mind you, I'd still advise against transforming on college grounds, especially within view of others, although not so much because someone will run off to report you to the jarl's guards as because you'll be immediately swamped by overly-curious mages wanting to study you.
63) There shall be absolutely no throwing of spiders of any sort or throwing of any spider-like creature at individuals on this college campus.
64) Nelacar is no longer officially the College's responsibility, thank all the Divines. Make a complaint to the Jarl to have him thrown out of your shop if he causes a disturbance or blows something else up.
65) The College of Winterhold does not encourage the killing off of one's rivals in order to advance in rank. This is not House Telvanni. Develop your skills, complete some research, run a few quests, perhaps publish a paper or two, and then apply for an advance in rank. We frown on internecine dealings here.
a) You are welcome to try killing me off for my position, however, since I find these attempts amusing. Incidentally, mastery of at least three magical disciplines is required in a candidate for the position of Arch-Mage. The Thu'um does count as one of these disciplines, as Shalidor wrote these requirements in an age when it was somewhat more common of a skill. Alchemy, oddly enough, doesn't count.
b) Official notice of an assassination attempt on my person via a formal challenge is appreciated but not required.
c) Attempts on the life of our Master Wizard are strictly banned. Mirabelle is a darling and I will avenge one hundredfold any scratch inflicted on her. We need her. She's the only one who knows how to keep this place running…
d) Donations to the College of Winterhold are always welcome and may eventually earn for you a new wing of the Arcanaeum Archives named in your honor, but they will not buy your way into a higher rank. Do we look like the Synod?
66) Master Urag and I have agreed that the official punishment for grossly overdue books checked out from the Arcanaeum will be a quick trip to Apocrypha. Enjoy your visit with Hermaeus Mora.
67) The College is not responsible for broken or chipped teeth caused by trying to eat a chunk of raw ebony ore. The College is not responsible for indigestion caused by the consumption of Falmer ears or raw slaughterfish eggs. The College is certainly not responsible for the consequences of drinking the blood of any creature. The College allows free alchemic experimentation, but it also reserves the right to step back and say, "I told you so."
68) Faralda and the College guards have my permission to deal as they see fit with the next genius who uses fire spells to melt the snow off the walkways in the Courtyard, only for them to immediately freeze over with ice. I suggest the miscreant be sent to the Winterhold salt mine for a change, instead of my usual 'instantaneous teleportation to a daedric dimension'.
69) A few skulls are permitted in private quarters and workspaces for decoration purposes or for research. Constructing furniture out of them is going too far. I believe I have already spoken about not dressing and acting like a necromancer unless you're also prepared to die like one.
70) I am not forbidding College members from making some coin on the side from their skills. I am saying some College members need to be more discreet about in what quantities and to whom they sell invisibility potions (among other things), as Riften's jarl has filed a complaint.
a) I cannot help but observe that it's awfully confident of some individuals to sell the Thieves Guild the very tools they'd need to rob from us…
b) Enthir, don't even try to deny this. Literally everyone knows you're shady. Your Morrowind contact is on the verge of dropping you because thieves learned of your shipments and burgled them.
c) Yes, I know about your Morrowind contact. That's how I obtained a pristine set of the 36 Lessons of Vivec. Completely legally, I might add.
d) On a different note: the apprentice who mixed up a potion of invisibility but found herself continually chiming like a nirnroot after consuming it, please speak with Master Sleeps-in-Blossom about a possible alchemy project. You may have a gift. I've made many a paste of nirnroot, crimson nirnroot, and crushed chaurus eggs and still never encountered that result. Remember, apprentices, no experimentation mistake is really a mistake if you can still write a paper on it and claim it as experience.