A/N: Thank you for your wonderful reviews, they're very much appreciated! I'd also like to thank Dollybigmomma for working on these upcoming last chapters. For these past days, she's been working on the rest of the story as well, correcting typos, grammar and making all kinds of improvements. I'm sure doing beta work for a non-native speaker can get frustrating, so thank you for your endless patience!
So. This story is nearing its end, and it makes me very sad. There will be three more chapters after this one, including the epilogue. I hope you have enjoyed reading this story as much as I've enjoyed writing it.
"When you protect yourself from pain, be sure you do not protect yourself from love."
- Alan Cohen -
Chaos
I managed to book a doctor's appointment for next week. I felt like I might be crazy by then, but like Rosalie said, all I could do was just take it easy and try to stay calm. I was glad she hadn't begun to congratulate me or gush with enthusiasm after looking at the test and confirming it was positive. She'd simply sat down on the floor next to me and hugged me, promising me things would sort themselves out somehow.
I wanted to believe her, but if I was being entirely honest, I found it kind of hard.
"What am I going to tell Carlisle?" I asked quietly. An hour had passed, and I was still sitting on the bathroom floor; I felt like I had no strength to move.
Rosalie hesitated. "Maybe you shouldn't say anything just yet," she suggested carefully. "Wait until your doctor's appointment is over. I mean, when it comes to these things, you never know. It could be a blighted ovum, or the pregnancy could be ectopic. Or maybe it was a false positive – I know the chances are rare, but..."
I glanced at her. "Do you think that's what I'm hoping for? That this is just a false alarm?"
She considered me carefully. "Is that what you're hoping for? That it'll turn out you have nothing to tell Carlisle, after all?"
I shook my head, confused. "I don't know. I mean, of course, this is a shock. I wasn't prepared for this. This wasn't supposed to happen, and I don't know how to deal with it. But...now that it has happened...I don't know. I don't know how to feel. This is very confusing and stressing as it is, and then, there's the fact that I have no idea how Carlisle will react. What he'll say. What if he thinks I tricked him into this or something? Some women do that – they stop taking their pills or have the IUD taken out without telling their partners."
"Don't be silly, Bella. He wouldn't think something like that. He knows you'd never do that to him, not after what he's been through. And besides, he's not just a partner. You're engaged, for heaven's sake. You're in this together, and nothing's going to change that." She paused, regarding me carefully. "Have you thought about...well, are you worried he's going to want to...end it?"
Letting out a long sigh, I blinked back tears. "I don't think that's something he'd suggest. And it's not something I'm willing to consider, either." I flicked her a glance. "And it's not like you'd let me do it. You'd probably convince me to give the baby to you, just as long as it'd get the chance to be born." For the first time during the past hour, I actually smiled. There were tears in my eyes, but at least I smiled.
She chuckled. "You're right. I'd be honored to take care of your baby. And Bella?" She sobered, hesitating. "I know right now, everything about this situation seems bad, but...congratulations, anyway. Everything will turn out okay. I'm sure of it. You'll see."
Again, I wanted to believe her. I wondered how I'd get through these next few days, wondered how I'd feel, when it came time for the doctor's appointment. And I wondered how I could keep this from Carlisle – I was a bad liar, and he'd probably realize something was bothering me. But still, I decided to wait until I'd seen a doctor before talking to him about this, despite the fact I was bursting with fear and uncertainty.
After Rosalie left, I wrapped the test stick in a paper towel and put it in the trash, making sure Carlisle wouldn't find it. But before I did that, I spent a few minutes staring at the pink plus sign; I guess I needed to see it with my own eyes.
As I heard keys in the lock, I quickly shut the lid of the trash can. I darted to the bed, lying down and pulling the covers over me, pretending I was sleeping. For some reason, I couldn't face Carlisle just yet. I couldn't look at him, couldn't talk to him and pretend everything was alright. That the world hadn't tilted on its axis while he was gone.
He came to the bedroom immediately after getting inside. His steps were soft and quiet as he crossed to the bed, carefully touching my temple. When I kept my eyes closed and didn't react, he drew his hand away, adjusting the covers before leaning down to press a soft kiss on my cheek.
He left the room, then, once again very quietly, unaware that I was fully awake. A relieved breath escaped me as he closed the bedroom door behind him.
If he had stayed there a moment longer, he would have seen the quiet tears escaping from my closed eyes.
I wrapped my arms around myself, my mind filling with images of a little girl with golden hair and blue eyes.
When I later thought about it all, I didn't know how I had gotten through the next few days.
A large part of me was frustrated that I'd taken the rest of the week off, and obviously for nothing. I wasn't ill, after all. I was just...pregnant. I still found it hard to even think about the word. I knew turning up at work would raise questions, though, and so I stayed home a few days, trying to remain calm and doing everything I could to keep myself from losing my damn mind.
Carlisle probably noticed I was more quiet than normal, but it was pretty safe to assume he thought it was because I was still unwell. I let him be under the impression I was tired, and I spent several long hours in bed, avoiding conversation with him. I felt bad about it, but I also felt terrible standing in front of him and pretending everything was fine. That everything was normal.
My morning sickness got worse as the days passed, and that was kind of challenging to hide. If I happened to be spending the night at his house, I rose early and made excuses to leave for my apartment, sometimes telling Carlisle I needed to pick something up before heading for work, sometimes saying I was running out of clean clothes. I usually made it home before the nausea started. During the course of those few days, I only had to stop my truck once on the side of the road, so I could puke my guts out.
The smell of coffee still turned my stomach, and when I went back to work, the only thing that helped me survive was peppermint lip balm; the fresh smell of it seemed to ease the nausea. I even went as far as dabbing some of it around my nostrils to distract myself from the assaulting smell. Desperate times called for desperate measures.
I was a nervous wreck by the time my doctor's appointment came around. Rosalie offered to come with me, and I was obviously thankful – for more than one reason. My truck refused to start in the afternoon when we were about to leave my apartment, and since the battery was new, Rosalie suspected there was something wrong with the starter. I trusted her opinion – she knew about cars much more than I did.
I had no energy to focus on my truck, though, and I made a mental note to call the repair shop tomorrow. As Rosalie parked in front of the doctor's office a few minutes later, she turned to give me an encouraging smile. I didn't even have to ask her to come in with me – it was obvious she would.
The doctor was a middle-aged woman. She was very quiet, very friendly. She confirmed what I already knew. As she did an ultrasound, she estimated I was about eight weeks along.
"Everything looks as it should," she assured with a small smile. I just stared at the little blob on the screen, but she didn't seem offended when I couldn't bring myself to answer her.
She was able to remove the copper coil – it hurt less than I thought it would. It was a bit uncomfortable, of course, but I barely paid attention. I kept staring at the ultrasound picture in my hands, giving a soft, distracted laugh when Rosalie said it looked like an alien. I knew she was trying to lift my spirits, or maybe trying to figure out where my head was. I didn't know, to be honest. Everything seemed so surreal, and I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience.
The doctor told me to call her if I started bleeding or having cramps, but in the same breath, she assured me she'd seen many IUD pregnancies end happily. Through my daze, I was somehow able to thank her, and then I busied myself with changing out of the uncomfortable examination gown.
I was still feeling more or less like a zombie as Rosalie and I headed back toward my apartment.
"How are you, Bella?" she asked me, throwing me a concerned look.
I let out a sigh. "Fine, I guess." I was still staring at the ultrasound picture, for the millionth time secretly thinking about the little girl I kept dreaming about. A little girl with blonde, untamed curls and blue eyes. "It's just that...it became so real all of a sudden. I don't know what to do now. Or, well...I do know what to do. I just don't know how."
"You're going to tell Carlisle?" she asked. "Today?"
I nodded, drawing in a deep breath and carefully putting the picture into my bag. "Yeah. He's probably waiting for me and wondering where I am – I didn't leave him a note or anything before I left." I knew he had probably come home from campus by now, unless something unexpected had come up.
"Well, good luck. I'll stop by at the salon before heading home. Call me and tell me how it went."
I nodded. "Thanks. I will."
Carlisle's car was in the parking lot of my apartment when Rosalie pulled in. After giving me a supportive smile, I got out of the car and made my way to my door with trembling legs.
Carlisle emerged from the living room as I was hanging up my coat; he was holding his phone, but he put it away as he saw me.
"There you are," he said with a small sigh, sounding relieved. "I was just about to call you. Your truck was outside, and when I couldn't find you, I thought you'd gone for a walk..." he trailed off, falling silent.
"Uh...yeah. I mean, no, I wasn't taking a walk. Rosalie dropped me off just now." I made my way into the kitchen, leaving my bag and keys on the counter. "And speaking of my truck...there's something wrong with the starter."
"Oh? I can take a look at it, if you want."
I gave him a small smile. Maybe it didn't reach my eyes, or maybe he sensed something else was going on; he suddenly looked very somber.
"Look, Bella, I wanted to talk to about something," he began, hesitating.
I raised my eyebrows; he sounded so...serious. Worried.
"Okay," I said slowly. "There's something I need to tell you as well."
He nodded. "I see. You know, I might have a hunch about what you want to say."
That surprised me. "You do?" I asked, the words coming out a bit strangled.
He nodded again, regarding me carefully. There was something like sorrow and regret in his eyes. "I noticed you've been distancing yourself from me lately. I wanted to say that...I understand if you want some space." He swallowed hard. "I also wanted you to know I'm still not pressuring you into anything. Maybe we're moving too quickly. When I proposed to you..." he seemed to struggle with whatever he was about to say next, "I understand if you have second thoughts about it. If you want to slow down, just say the word. I'm in no hurry. I want you to know that. If you feel like things are moving too fast with us–"
I let out a breath, shaking my head, and he fell silent.
"Carlisle, that's not what this is. You've misunderstood. I'm happy you proposed to me, and I could never regret saying yes to you. I don't need space. That's not what this is."
He frowned. "Then, what's the matter? You've barely spoken a word to me during these past couple of days. You've been so...so distant. I've never seen you like this. I'm worried."
I nodded. "You're right. I have been...avoiding you."
He crossed the distance between us, taking my hands in his. "What is it, Bella? Tell me what I can do to fix this. If it's something I've said–"
I shook my head. "No, it's not. You've said or done nothing wrong." I pulled in a deep, shaky breath, holding his gaze. "Carlisle, I just came from a doctor's appointment."
He frowned in concern, his eyes alarmed. "What for? Is everything all right? Are you ill?"
"No, I'm not...ill. I...uh...I had to have my copper coil removed."
His frown deepened. "Alright," he said slowly. "Was it dislodged? Or did it give you side effects? I'm sure we can find some other method of contraception – I know you can't probably use the pill because of your migraines, but–"
"I didn't have any side effects," I interrupted quietly. "That's not why...I had the appointment." Again, I drew in a deep, trembling breath. "Last week, when I felt sick...turns out I didn't have a stomach flu. I was feeling ill because...because..." I tried to breathe in again, but my lungs felt frozen. "Because...I'm pregnant."
There. It was out. I exhaled slowly, feeling slightly dizzy.
Carlisle stared at me. All color drained from his face, and then he swayed a bit. I tighened my hold on his hands, worried, but he didn't even seem to be aware of my touch.
When he had been silent for one full minute, I squeezed his fingers. "I didn't...I didn't expect this," I said quietly, swallowing back tears. "The doctor said these things happen sometimes – that it's not the first time she's seen a copper coil fail. She said...everything looks normal. She estimated that...I'm about eight weeks along..." I fell silent, as I realized I was rambling.
He still didn't speak.
"Say something," I whispered. "Please."
His response was to squeeze his eyes closed and withdraw his hands from mine. He looked so pale that, for a moment, I wondered if he was going to pass out. He raked a hand through his hair, turning away from me. I watched him as he slowly paced into the living room, keeping his eyes on the floor.
I followed him, stopping at the doorway and just looking at him quietly.
His eyes were staring blindly at the coffee table, and he remained silent for so long, I thought he might never speak again. After a while, he raised his head and looked at me. I couldn't read his expression.
"Pregnant?" he asked quietly. When I nodded, he closed his eyes and ran a hand down his face, turning his back to me.
He stood still for a long time, and when he eventually moved, it was to turn around and walk briskly toward the door. I stared at him as he brushed past me and grabbed his coat.
"Carlisle, please, don't go. Say something. You're scaring me."
My words made him stop, but he didn't turn around. His shoulders rose and fell slowly – it looked like he was making an effort to keep his breathing calm.
"I...I have to go," he whispered. "I'm sorry. I just...I need a moment, Bella. Just...give me a moment to...I can't..." He shook his head, and without turning to look at me, he reached for the door handle and opened it. He stepped outside, so distraught that he didn't even close the door behind him. After a moment, I heard him start his car and drive off.
I collapsed into the nearest chair, covering my face with my hands.
Had he left because he needed a minute to process my news? Had he left because he was so upset, he felt like he couldn't stay and have a conversation with me? Had he left because he was reliving some dark moment from his past, and he needed a moment to get over it?
Or had he left because...
No. I refused to think about that. He was just shocked and upset, but he'd come back. He just needed time. I remembered how distraught I'd been when I'd found out about this – so, of course, this was even a bigger shock for him. I still couldn't believe the whole thing. And if this was so hard for me to accept, I could only imagine what Carlisle was going through right now.
Not knowing what else to do, I sat down and waited more or less impatiently, trying to stay calm. I shed a few tears – I couldn't help it. All the stress of the past days began to unravel, and suddenly, I felt...exhausted. Just utterly exhausted.
I realized I hadn't expected Carlisle to react quite like this. I'd expected him to be shocked and upset, maybe even a little angry, but I hadn't expected him to rush out like that. Again. And maybe...maybe I hadn't expected him to push me away this time. Like Rosalie had said, we were in this together. We should have been talking this out right now, instead of being apart.
I considered calling him, but something told me he wouldn't answer even if I did.
When an hour had passed, and there was still no sign of Carlisle, I was pretty much ready to flip out. On a whim, I grabbed my coat and keys, and then I made my way outside, locking the door behind me. I couldn't stay still and do nothing – I needed to move, to talk to someone. I needed Rosalie. I needed someone. I climbed into my truck, and then, I remembered it wouldn't start. Sighing, I got out and stopped to consider my options.
Would Rosalie still be at the salon? She'd said she'd go there before heading home...but that was over an hour ago. I decided it was worth a try, though. All I knew was I couldn't stay here.
The late November afternoon was cold, and I felt it sharply, as it took a while before I managed to get a cab. A couple of minutes later, I was standing in front of the salon Rosalie's mom owned. The lights were still on, and I stepped inside, only to be disappointed. No one else was there but Rosalie's mother.
"I'm sorry, Bella," she said, giving me a smile, "but Rose already left. Emmett called her – a metal chip flew into his eye while he was working. She had to take him to the ER."
Momentarily, I forgot my own worries. "Oh no. How bad is it?"
"Not that bad. The chip was very small, but that probably means it's even harder to get out." She shook her head. "I sometimes wonder if some construction workers are more prone to accidents than others. Last year, he broke his leg, and now this. Or maybe he's just not focusing on what he's doing. He has too much energy."
I gave a soft chuckle. "That's Emmett. I hope he gets better soon."
"I'll let Rosalie know you stopped by."
"Oh, you don't have to do that. I'll call her tomorrow."
I left after exchanging a few more casual words with her. Stepping outside onto the street, I looked around me without actually seeing anything, wondering what to do next. Where to go. I drew in a deep breath and began to walk, digging my phone from my pocket and dialing Carlisle's number, deciding I could at least try to reach out to him.
It didn't really surprise me when he didn't pick up. I began to wander aimlessly, eventually making my way back toward my apartment. I considered taking a cab again, but I felt wired in a very unpleasant way and decided to walk.
As I was putting my phone back into my pocket, my fingers accidentally touched something, and I frowned confusedly, wondering what it was. Pulling the phone back out, I slipped a hand into my pocket, my fingers closing around something that felt like a small card. A business card.
Then, I remembered – Esme had given it to me on that day at the cemetery. Pulling the card out, I stared at the neatly written number she'd scribbled under her office number. I hesitated.
Should I? What would she think, if I suddenly called her out of the blue? How would she react, if I told her about what had happened? Would she know where Carlisle had gone? Would she know what to do?
I did know one thing – she was probably the only person in this world who had any insight on Carlisle's current state of mind. She was probably the only person who could guess what was running through his head right now – and what I could do to help him.
I kept on walking at a slow pace, dialing her number more or less hesitantly, and my heart began to race as I raised the phone to my ear. Esme answered on the third ring.
"Esme Banner."
Swallowing thickly, I cleared my throat, suddenly not knowing what to say. Where to begin. "Hi. Uh...it's Bella."
"Bella, hi! I'm so glad you called. We were just talking about you."
"We?" I asked, my heart jumping.
"I'm at Edward's. I stopped by on my way home from the office."
"Oh. Tell him I said hi." I tried to keep my voice light, but it was hard; I realized I was crying again. Damn hormones.
Apparently, Esme heard that my voice was off. "Are you crying? Is everything all right?"
"Uh...yes and no. You don't happen to know where Carlisle is, do you? Or does Edward know? Has he seen him?"
She was silent for a beat. "No. Carlisle's not here, if that's what you mean. What's the matter, dear? Has something happened?"
I heard Edward's anxious voice asking if something was wrong, but Esme shushed him. In any other situation, that would have made me laugh. I let out a trembling breath, wiping the tears from my cheeks.
And then I told her everything. I told her about the pregnancy, about how the IUD had failed, and I told her about Carlisle's reaction to my news.
"What should I do?" I asked, wiping my eyes again. "He was so upset, and the way he stormed off..." I pulled in a shaky breath, sniffling. "I tried to call him, but he's not answering. Maybe I should take a cab and go see if he's at his house. I'm worried about him."
Esme considered for a moment. "You know, Bella...I don't think he's at his house."
"Then where is he?"
I heard her give a sad sigh. "Probably battling his demons."
And suddenly, I knew. I actually couldn't understand why I hadn't instantly realized where he had gone. "He went to the cemetery, didn't he?"
"That's my guess," she answered quietly. "I understand why you're worried, but he'll come around, Bella. I'm sure of it. He's just in shock – give him some time. Let him work this out by himself." She paused, hesitating. "Maybe you're not in the mood for this, but...congratulations."
I gave a soft laugh, but it came out as a sob. "Thanks."
"Where are you now?"
I glanced at the sign close to me, telling her the name of the street. I stopped and waited for the light to turn green. I heard her repeat the name of the street to Edward.
"Edward will come and pick you up," she told me. "You shouldn't be alone now and out walking in the cold. Have Edward drive you home – or you can come here, if you want. Carlisle will call you or go look for you when he's ready. He's probably beating himself up, even as we speak, wishing he hadn't stormed out like he did. He's just scared, Bella. Even after all these years, he hasn't forgiven himself, hasn't moved on...but maybe now he can. I always wanted him to have a second chance, and this is it. Just don't let him pull away."
"I won't," I promised. "As soon as he gets back, we'll talk this out. No matter how long it takes." I dashed a hand across my eyes again. "Can you tell Edward I'll wait for him at the café where I work? He knows where it is. It's not far from where I am now." The light turned green, and I began to cross the street.
"Of course, dear. Edward will be there in a few minutes..."
I heard Esme say something else, or maybe she asked a question, but the words were lost to me. Because suddenly, the world exploded into chaos. Car horns blared, but just as I became aware of the cacophony of noises, a massive weight smashed into me from out of nowhere.
I didn't know if I was falling or flying. There was just an odd sensation of weightlessness, and then, there was pain. Everywhere. And then...it wasn't just pain. My body exploded into agony, worse than anything I'd ever known.
Before the darkness claimed me, my last thought was of cornflower blue eyes.