"In order to heal we must first forgive... and sometimes the person we must forgive is ourselves."

- Mila Bron -

Peace

For a moment that seemed to last forever, there was just was darkness. It was as if nothing existed. Not even me.

I'd suppose it should have felt distressing, opressive, but it felt like freedom.

My body felt light and weightless. As I became aware of this, I also came to realize I really did have a body, after all. That I really existed. That, even though there was only darkness, I was somewhere there, too. Wherever "there" was.

And still, there was no distress. No fear. Not even when I became aware of the sounds around me. When the sounds became voices, and the voices were accompanied by gentle touches, I still wasn't afraid. As the world returned to me slowly, or maybe it was me returning to the world, I just felt unspeakably calm and peaceful.

As soon as I opened my eyes, the voices ceased. The gentle touches left my skin. Something else took their place; at first, I thought I was staring at a bright, golden light, but then, the obscure figure in front of me slowly took shape, making me realize I was looking at a small girl with golden, unruly hair and blue eyes. She was smiling.

I shifted, intending to stand up so I could see her better. But I'd barely managed to finish the thought when I realized I was already standing. Maybe I had been all this time.

"You came," the girl said, sounding delighted.

"Of course I did," I heard myself answer. I felt like I'd been dropped into the middle of a conversation, a conversation I knew nothing about, but it didn't seem to bother me at all. My mouth formed the words without my conscious mind knowing it. "Did you expect me not to?"

She grinned. "No. I knew you'd come. I know a lot of things."

"You do?" I smiled sweetly at her. "What else do you know?"

"Can't tell you. It's cheating."

"Says who?"

"Daddy." She paused, biting her lip. "He misses you."

That made me frown. "He does?"

The girl nodded.

"But why?" I asked. "I haven't gone anywhere. He knows that."

"He forgets," she explained and then shook her head reverently. "You know what he's like. He remembers the wrong things, but he forgets the things he's supposed to remember. You have to tell him that. You have to show him. You can't let him forget. Do you promise? Will you teach him?"

In a way, this discussion made no sense, but at the same time...it kind of did. I didn't know how, though, or why. Or maybe, I couldn't remember – maybe I'd forgotten something, too.

"I promise," I told the girl. Once again, my mouth formed the words without my go-ahead. "You know, you're very wise for one so young."

"I am," the girl answered. "Just like Alice."

"Alice is here?"

"She was, but she had to go do something," she shrugged. "She'll be back."

"Where is she now?"

"She's busy with him," she glanced up at me.

"Who?" I asked.

The girl just smiled.

"Okay," I frowned, confused, and suddenly, it was bothering me, that confusion. I started to ask more questions, but she just shook her head and crossed her arms, determined not to say anything further.

"No cheating. Best to leave it alone for now," the girl suggested. "We're very stubborn."

That made me chuckle. "I know. You both get it from your father."

The girl nodded. "He's waiting for you, you know. You have to go to him now."

I looked around me, frowning once again. Then, I looked back at the girl, noticing she was backing away from me.

"Wait," I told her. "Marie, wait." I didn't know how I suddenly knew her name – the information was just there, in my head.

"You have to go," she said again. "You can't stay. If you do, the earth has no reason to turn."

"What do you mean by that? Why can't I stay?"

"Because he's waiting for you. Because you're the moon to his tide. Because he doesn't care about seeing the sun ever again, just as long as you're there. And if you suddenly aren't..." The girl named Marie fell silent, smiling sadly. It was her father's smile.

I nodded, understanding. And as soon as I did...she disappeared. And then, I was scared, because I didn't know what it meant that she was no longer there. Or maybe I was no longer there. Maybe it was me who had disappeared. Maybe it was me who had left. This possibility scared me even more, but I didn't know why.

It was dark again. This was a different kind of darkness. It was heavy, and it was overwhelming, and I just wanted out. Out, out, out. But there was no one to show me the way, simply because there was no way. There was just an endless forever of nothing, and I was somewhere in there, drifting, drowning in the depths of darkness.

Slowly, I became aware of the sounds around me. There was a loud beeping – or at least it seemed very loud to me. There was a heaviness to my body and mind, like I was anchored, a heaviness that shouldn't have been there.

I also realized I was kind of cold, but for some reason, my muscles weren't trembling to generate heat. It was like every cell in my body was exhausted.

There was something that broke through the haze of discomfort, through the thick fog of heaviness. A warm hand tightening around my own. As I became aware of the touch, my ears began to pick up more sounds. Voices. I couldn't catch the words, though, and when I was finally able to gather enough focus to listen, the voices kept fading in and out, like an out-of-tune radio.

"...Don't do this to yourself, Carlisle. Not again. You have to believe what the doctors are telling you..."

It was a soft voice. A feminine voice. I'd heard it before, but only twice. The other voice that answered was more quiet, but not soft. Something that was broken couldn't be soft, after all.

"...I'll never forgive myself if...what if I hadn't...this wouldn't have happened if I..."

I frowned, trying to focus, but my ears refused to cooperate.

"...This has to stop now, Carlisle. This has gone on long enough. Someone has to draw the line, and I'm drawing it right here and right now. Look, nothing's going to–" The voice fell silent. "Carlisle, she's awake!"

Oh. I'd opened my eyes – I didn't realize that until now. The room was dimly lit, but still, keeping my eyes open kind of hurt for some reason.

"Bella? Oh, thank God. Bella, sweetheart, can you hear me?" It was the quiet voice, the broken voice. The warm hand around mine tightened.

"I'll get the nurse," the other voice said.

I blinked, trying to focus my gaze on the face hovering above mine. Trying to see the eyes that were so desperately searching my own.

Blue. Blue like cornflowers, like the ocean at its deepest.

"Carlisle," I breathed.

A sound, something like a relieved laugh or a sob left his mouth. "I'm right here, Bella. Everything's alright. You're alright." His fingers tightened around mine again, and he raised his free hand to his face, wiping it across his eyes. They were wet. Swollen and red-rimmed. The familiar shadows under them were darker than before, like they'd been drawn with charcoal.

"What's wrong?" I asked, and I had to take a break; for some reason, speaking took a lot of energy.

He made that sound again, but this time, it was a bit choked. "Nothing's wrong," he soothed me, drawing in an unsteady breath and dashing a hand across his face again. "Nothing's wrong. Not anymore. Everything's absolutely right."

My eyes wanted to slip closed, but I forced them open. "Why...crying?"

"I'm just very glad to see you with your eyes open, that's all."

"How long...were they closed?"

He kissed my knuckles. "Three days. They had to keep you sedated for a while."

I struggled to understand. "What happened? Where am I?"

He frowned, but I could see he tried not show me his worry. "You don't remember?"

I shook my head, but that hurt, and instantly, warm hands were framing my face. "Don't try to move. You have to stay still for a while. You're in the hospital, Bella."

"What happened?" I asked again, desperate to know. For some reason, it was important that I understood. I also had a feeling there was something I had to remember – that there was something I should be worried about, but my mind resisted.

"We'll talk about it later," Carlisle answered, taking my hand again. "I promise. You have to rest now."

I wanted to tell him I didn't want to rest, that I needed to talk about this now, but my eyes slipped closed of their own accord.

A door was opened somewhere close by. I didn't see or hear Esme stepping inside with a nurse; by the time they reached my bed, I was fast asleep.

The next time I woke up, for some reason, I had a feeling I was in a different room than the last time I'd opened my eyes. My mind felt a little clearer, but my limbs still felt heavy. I was exhausted, like I had run a thousand miles. The beeping sound was still there – I'd suppose it meant I was still alive.

Those weren't the only things that had stayed the same. There was still a warm hand holding mine. Or more like resting on mine. I turned my head gingerly, my eyes settling on Carlisle. He was sitting in an uncomfortable-looking chair next to my bed. His eyes were closed, but after a second, he seemed to force them open – he looked like he was about to nod off any moment now.

He pulled in a deep breath and shifted in his chair, turning to look my way. When he noticed my eyes were open, he was on his feet in less than a second, his obvious exhaustion disappearing immediately.

"Bella, hey." He took my hand and carefully placed it on my stomach, so he could sit down on the edge of the bed. I realized something was taped across my face, under my nose, and there seemed to be tubes and wires everywhere. "How long have you been awake?" he asked, stroking my cheek gently.

"I could ask you the same," I murmured quietly, my eyes taking in his disheveled appearance. He looked like hell. The purple circles under his eyes were darker and more prominent than I'd ever seen them, and his hair looked like he'd run his fingers through it at least a hundred times. His blue button-down shirt was wrinkly and only partly tucked in.

He gave a soft chuckle at my words. "I'm good at staying awake. You should know that by now," he answered quietly. "Don't worry about me. How are you feeling? Are you in pain?"

I frowned, considering his question. "I'm aching all over," I admitted. "It's like...someone used me as their punching bag or something. And not just once."

Carlisle's small smile fell, and he swallowed, taking my hand again and kissing it gently. "God, Bella...you scared me. You have no idea. No idea." He shook his head, closing his eyes and holding my hand to his lips.

"What happened?" I asked, trying very hard to remember why I was here.

He pulled in a deep, slow breath. "What's the last thing you remember?"

I stared at the lights over my head. "Uh...I was...I left the salon. I was looking for Rosalie. And then I called someone...Esme?"

Carlisle nodded. When he began to talk, his voice was forcibly calm. His speech was slow, fragmented, like he was struggling to get the words out.

"You were on the phone with her...when you were crossing the street. There was a car – someone was speeding – and the light was red for the driver. Maybe he was intoxicated – according to the eyewitnesses, his driving was reckless and erratic. He hit two other cars before...before hitting you. Luckily, you'd nearly crossed the street by the time the car reached you." He paused, swallowing. "A second earlier, and I wouldn't be here talking to you."

I stared at him, trying to take it all in, and at the same time, I was trying to remember why I'd been on the phone with Esme. I knew it was something important. I'd been upset about something, not knowing what to do...

And then, it all came back in a rush, in far too vivid detail. The heart monitor went crazy, and I gasped, nearly bolting up from the bed, but Carlisle anticipated my movement, gently holding my shoulders and keeping me still.

"Carlisle – Carlisle, the baby!"

"Shh," he tried to soothe me, still holding me by the shoulders. "Bella, calm down – you shouldn't be moving. Everything's fine. And the baby...the baby's fine, too. I promise. Now, try to breathe more slowly. Everything's alright. I swear. Take a deep breath. Can you do that for me?"

I didn't even realize I was gasping for air, and I briefly wondered why breathing hurt so much, but I didn't dwell on that. I placed a hand on my stomach, still staring at him. He gave me a soft, sad smile, resting his own hand on top of mine.

"Everything's fine," he repeated quietly. His eyes were smiling, but they were suddenly full of shadows, too. "But I can't stress enough how lucky you are, Bella. Both of you. You have no idea how close it was." He laced his fingers around mine. "You have three broken ribs, a small crack in your skull, bruises and cuts all over you, and you lost a lot of blood. They had to give you a transfusion. I can't even tell you..." he trailed off, shaking his head. "You have no idea how much it scared me, hearing what'd happened..."

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

He gave a choked laugh; it almost sounded like a sob. "You're sorry? Bella, I'm the one who should apologize. Don't you realize – don't you understand that you're here because of me? Because of how I behaved?" He stared at me, his eyes so full of agony it made my breath catch.

"When you told me you're pregnant...and when I stormed out like that..." He shook his head, squeezing his eyes closed. "If I hadn't...if I'd stayed with you...if I'd been enough of a man to stay, instead of running away like a coward..." He paused, closing his eyes. "And for God's sake, you called me, and I didn't answer, just because I selfishly thought I wasn't ready to talk to you just yet..."

"Carlisle, stop," I said quietly. "You ignore the fact that maybe I should've just stayed home. I knew you were upset, and I knew you needed time to come to terms with what I'd told you. You asked me to give you a moment, after all. I should've just waited for you to come around. This...this is not your fault. And besides, you know me. I'm an incurable trouble magnet – that's pretty much the first thing you learned about me. I'm sure I'd have ended up here sooner or later. I'm probably the most accident-prone person in Seattle."

He didn't even crack a smile at my small jest. He drew in a slow breath, keeping his eyes closed for a while more, and when he finally opened them, he just sat there and looked at me for a long time, not saying anything.

"Bella, if this had ended worse than it has...if you'd lost the pregnancy...if you hadn't pulled through..." He let out a trembling sigh. "I'll never forgive myself that I let this happen. I can't even–"

I tried to lift a finger to his lips to silence him, but the sudden movement made me wince. His brows pulled together in worry, and he took my hand in both of his, bringing my knuckles to his lips.

"Stop that," I said quietly. "Stop living in what ifs. I'm here, and I'll be fine."

"But still...I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry about everything. I'm sorry I left like that after you told me you're pregnant. It's no excuse, but I was so shocked, and I didn't know what to think..."

I nodded. "I know. I understand." I watched him closely. "Where did you go, by the way? After you left my apartment?" I asked, even though I already knew the answer.

His blue eyes were hard to read. "I was...I can't really remember where I went, at first. But at some point...I realized I was in the cemetery. I still don't know how long I was there. And then...and then Edward called, and when I didn't pick up, he called again and again. I answered...eventually. When he told me what had happened to you..." He swallowed and fell silent, closing his eyes.

"You have no idea how many thoughts rushed through my mind during that one single second, Bella," he continued after a moment, opening his eyes. "There I was, standing at the grave of my daughter, after finding out I'd become a father again. I was distraught and afraid and happy, and millions of other things at the same time. And then Edward calls me and tells me you'd been in an accident, and it looked bad, that they'd just lifted you into the ambulance..."

He paused, swallowing thickly. "There are no words to describe that feeling. All I knew was that, if you didn't survive...that if something happened to the baby..." His lips pressed against my hand again, and after that, he said nothing.

"What happened to the driver?" I asked quietly after a while. "You said the light was red for him, didn't you?"

He nodded. "The police ran the plates. They're still looking for him. Like I earlier mentioned, he hit two other cars before crashing into you. They'll find him, and once they do..." He paused, something like cold fury flaring in his eyes, before he drew in a calming breath and let it out slowly.

"Revenge...anger...those things won't make you feel better," I told him softly.

He sighed. "I know. But carelessnes...I've lost too much because of someone else's carelessness, Bella. The thought of losing you as well, just because someone didn't know how to cap their liquor bottle..." He shook his head, falling silent. His face was like stone, his lips just a thin line now.

I squeezed his hand; for some reason, even that hurt a bit. I'd suppose he was right, and I had bruises everywhere. I felt like it. I shifted gingerly, trying to turn my head, but I had to stop immediately. From the corner of my eye, I saw there was something on the table beside the bed; several vases full of flowers. I frowned at them; no one had ever brought me flowers before.

Carlisle noticed the flowers had caught my attention. He gave me a sad smile.

"You've had a lot of guests while you were out. Rosalie stopped by two hours ago, but you were sleeping. She told me to tell you she'll come by later to see if you're awake." He paused, smiling ruefully. "She's furious with me, but I deserve it."

"Don't be silly. She didn't make good on her threat and go medieval on your male parts, did she?"

He gave a soft chuckle. "Well, no. She actually said...well, she said she didn't want the father of your baby to look like he'd gone through a mincer."

I closed my eyes, slightly appalled. "Nice."

He chuckled again.

"Does my mom know?" I asked. "That I'm here?"

He nodded. "Yes. She's actually one of those guests I mentioned – she brought those mini sunflowers over there. She's been worried sick – I gave her the keys to your apartment, so she could go and take a nap."

"She's here in Seattle?"

He smiled. "She said she's not going to leave until she's managed to see you with your eyes open at least once." He paused, hesitating. "Your father's here, too. And he hates me," he stated with a dry smile. "My God, you have no idea."

"Come on. He'll love you, once he gets to know you. Did you tell him about our engagement?"

"Actually, your mother beat me to it. You know, Bella, I've never seen a man's face change colors so quickly. It kind of worried me a bit – I thought he was going to have a stroke when he heard we weren't merely dating, but actually engaged. Your mother was very sweet and kept defending me when your father threatened to handcuff me for going near his daughter in the first place."

I closed my eyes. "Jesus. Well, usually, Charlie is very nice. He's just prone to overreacting sometimes. And I'm not surprised Renée stepped in to defend you – she knows how much I care about you." I paused, searching his face. "Do they know about...the baby?"

He reached out to stroke my cheek. "Your mother does," he said quietly. "I had to tell her – I just couldn't keep it inside. I was so scared, and she stayed up with me through that first night..."

I nodded. "It's okay. I'm glad she knows. And we'll tell Charlie together – that way, if he threatens to handcuff you, I can defend you this time."

Carlisle gave a sad, soft laugh. "I wonder what he'll think, when he hears about it."

"I'm sure the thought of becoming a grandfather will be more than pleasant, once he gets used to the idea, " I assured. I watched him closely as he reached out, placing a hand on my lower stomach.

He looked like he wasn't even completely aware of doing that. I couldn't read the look in his eyes; it was something like tender. Something like concerned. Something like...afraid.

"What about you?" I asked quietly.

He met my gaze, not removing his hand. There was uncertainty in his eyes now. "What do you mean?"

"I mean...what do you think about this, now that the worst of the shock has worn off?"

He gave me a small smile. "You know, I'm not at all sure if it has worn off. This feels...so surreal." He shook his head, his eyes bewildered. "I'm...I'm horrified, of course. But...also thrilled. How a person can be filled with happiness and panic at the same time is beyond me. But that's how I feel. One thing's for sure, though. I've been given a second chance here – maybe there is a God, after all – and I'll be damned if I'll fail this time around. I'm not going to fail you, Bella, or this child. I promise." The look in his eyes was so determined, so earnest.

Even though it hurt a bit, I reached out a hand carefully, raising it to his cheek. "You never failed, Carlisle," I told him. "Not even with Alice. You have to start believing it. If you don't...you'll never heal." I held his gaze. "Promise me. Promise me you'll at least try to believe it. That what happened to Alice wasn't your fault."

He swallowed, placing his hand on top of mine. He stayed silent for a long time, just looking at me. Eventually, he nodded slowly, hesitantly, as if he had to force himself to acknowledge my words.

"I'll try," he whispered. "I promise."

Closing my eyes, I smiled. I considered telling him about the dream I'd had. I remembered the little girl with golden hair; she'd had her father's blue eyes, her father's sad smile. I remembered telling her that she was wise for one so young. I am. Just like Alice.

I wondered why I could remember the dream so vividly. I was glad I did, though. There had been something comforting about the dream, and even thinking about it now made me feel...peaceful.

Speaking of dreams and sleeping...Carlisle suddenly ran a hand down his face, blinking rapidly.

"When was the last time you slept?" I asked quietly.

He turned to look at me, giving me a wan smile. "I can't remember, to be honest. But it doesn't matter. I'm not leaving."

"I'm not asking you to leave. I mean, of course, I'd be pleased if you agreed to go home and sleep a few hours–"

"I'm not leaving," he repeated quietly.

I sighed, and then I nodded toward the recliner at the foot of the bed. "Then move over there. You look like you're dead on your feet. Seriously, nothing's going to happen, if you shut your eyes for a moment." When I saw the stubborn set of his jaw, I gave him a mock-glare. "Carlisle Cullen, if you don't do as I ask, I'm going to call the nurse and have her slip a sedative in your coffee."

He gave a dry chuckle. "That'd be very unethical." Sighing, he got up reluctantly, and at first, I didn't realize why he took the chair and pulled it away from the bed. When he went to the recliner and began to move it, I understood.

"Careful, old man. Don't pull a muscle. Or break your hip."

He snorted softly and flicked me a glance, before he proceeded to drag the recliner closer to the bed. After he'd moved the IV pole slightly, he routinely checked the monitors – I wondered if it was an ingrained habit from his days as a doctor, or maybe he just wanted to be thorough. Apparently, everything looked normal. Satisfied, he stepped back from the monitors and sat down, taking my hand again, his eyes set on mine.

I gave a pointed glance at the recliner. "You can lean that thing back all the way, you know."

I saw what he was thinking from the stubborn set of his mouth, and that was why his response didn't surprise me. "I don't intend to sleep that long. I'm just going to rest my eyes for a bit." He squeezed my hand and kept watching me.

"If you're going to rest your eyes, closing them first is usually required," I pointed out, smiling. He chuckled, leaning his head back, and after holding my gaze for a while more, he closed his eyes, never letting go of my hand.

"I'm never going to leave you, Bella," he murmured softly, his voice sleepy. "I'll quit my job if I have to. I'm not letting you out of my sight. I'm going to roll you in bubble wrap until the baby is born...and maybe keep both of you wrapped up until..."

I never knew how long a time he was going to keep me and the baby wrapped up in bubble wrap; he was fast asleep, before he managed to finish his sentence.

I smiled, carefully squeezing his hand. As I watched him sleep, my mind kept drifting to the little girl with golden hair and her father's smile, and...and I wondered if she was still somewhere out there, wherever there was. I wondered if she had found out what Alice had been up to. I wondered if I would ever know.