Chapter 2: ...with a BANG.
(Meanwhile, in a desert literally in the middle of buttfuck nowhere)
Pop!
"-cker!"
I looked around to find myself in a desert.
"Dammit, Slenderthulhu, you really had me going there!" I said to myself. "Now, where am I?"
I heard the same whistling noise you hear when something falls in a cartoon. I looked up...to see a black dot in the sky heading rather speedily towards my position. I strained my eyes to get a better look at it, but couldn't quite make it out yet.
Just then, a black text box with red letters appeared in front of me.
A new skill has been acquired: [Observation].
Observation? I thought. Status!
The status screen appeared in front of me. I saw the tab for "skills." I opened that tab, and read the description for Observation.
[Observation] (Active) LV 1, EXP [0%] Through continuous observation, this is your skill to observe objects and generate a description for them. As the skill EXP increases, descriptions will become more detailed.
Observation? Just like in the manhwa! Let's test it on that object…
I looked up into the sky and thought Observation.
I had many thoughts running through my head at this point.
Was it a bird?
Was it a plane?
Was it Superman?
[Nuke. Recommendation: Write your will in the hopes that it survives the oncoming hellstorm of nuclear wrath.]
"Well...fuck..."
I was so going to kick Slenderthulhu in the dick if I ever made it out alive.
"Well, at least in the end I'll go out..."
Gift sent by Cthulhu: [Sunglasses].
I whipped on the sunglasses.
"...with a BANG. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
BOOM!
And then everything went black…again.
I was sitting in a chair...again. Suddenly, a message screen appeared.
A new skill has been acquired: [Terrible Puns].
[Terrible Puns] (Passive) LV 2, EXP [0%] This is your ability to make terrible puns. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make people groan extremely loud, but grudgingly admit your prowess at terrible puns. Horrific nature of your puns increases by 5%.
Going to power level the shit out of this. I made a mental note to myself.
I looked ahead of me to see a white throne with a small nightstand next to it. On this nightstand was a book. The floor was like a chess board. I leaned back into my seat and crossed my legs while I had my hands in the pockets of my hoodie. I heard footsteps behind me.
"Jack Gehrman." said a feminine voice behind me. "Welcome to the afterlife."
The owner of the voice now came into my line of sight.
She had blue hair and eyes. Her hair was long straight hair in a high ponytail. She was wearing what consisted of a vest, detached sleeves, thigh-high boots, a miniskirt, and a transparent underskirt.
Ladies and Gentlemen this...was Aqua from KonoSuba.
This is going to be a fucking trial.
"Your life was a short one," she said as she sat down.
No shit.
"But you are, in fact, dead."
Again: No shit.
"So...did you like the fireworks?" I asked her.
She started laughing, and I along with her.
"Seriously, what kind of person goes straight into a nuclear weapons testing site!" she yelled in hysterical laughter.
I groaned and facepalmed.
"The kind of person who got teleported by the origin of all tentacle hentai."
Message from Cthulhu: I resent that!
"Wait, what do you mean?" she asked.
"Don't worry about it," I suggested.
"Well, anyway. My name is Aqua, I'm a goddess who guides humans who die young into the afterlife."
Wait, am I even human anymore?
Message from Cthulhu: Well, no, but what she doesn't know won't kill her.
Good enough for me.
Aqua got up from her throne and walked until she was a few feet in front of me.
"You have two choices. You can start from square one with a new life, or you can go to heaven and carry on like an old man." She bent over so her face was directly in front of mine. "To tell you the truth, Heaven isn't the dreamy place you all imagine it to be."
I just looked at her blankly. Not really paying attention, 'cause I already know what she's going to say.
"Not only is there no TV, there are no manga or games, either. You don't even have a physical body, so you can't do anything sexual, either."
I deadpanned at her when she said that.
"There's nothing to do there but bask in the sun for all eternity." she brought her face close to mine. I wasn't fazed. "Yeah, you don't want to go to a boring place like Heaven, do you?"
"Like Hell I would," I said.
"On the other hand, starting over from square one isn't so fun, either," She brought her face even closer to mine, our noses almost touching. Still not fazed. "On that note, I've got a great offer for you. You like games, don't you?"
My life isa game. On that note. Thanks for that Cthulhu.
Message from Cthulhu: You're welcome!
Aqua then made a dramatic pose.
"That world, which has long enjoyed peace, is being threatened by the Devil King's army! The livelihoods its citizens have worked for are being trampled by monsters." She made another dramatic pose as a heavenly light was cast down on her. "Everyone lives in fear of the Devil King's army's merciless pillage and slaughter!…slaughter!"
The fuck…did she try to make an echo effect?
I continued my deadpan expression.
"Since that's the sort of world it is, everyone refuses to be reborn, so the population is declining."
I nodded.
"So we decided, 'Why not send people who've died in other worlds there with their bodies and memories intact?'"
"Okay, so what now?" I asked.
"I'll grant you the right to bring any one thing of your choosing with you. It could be a powerful weapon or a tremendous talent. You'll be able to redo your life with all your original memories. To top it off, you can bring one thing of your choosing! And the people of the parallel world will earn someone battle-ready to help them. Not a bad deal, don't you think?"
"So, will I be able to speak this world's language?" I asked.
"That won't be an issue." Aqua pulled out a manual and opened it to a certain section. "With the kind support of us gods, we'll overload your brain so you'll be able to learn it instantly." I read the Caution paragraph of the page.
Oh God, my brain has a chance of exploding...it's Tuesday, isn't it?
Message from Ragna: DUDE! GTFO! NOW!
Sorry, man! I'm in too deep! It's too late now!
"As a side effect, you might just go "poof" if you're unlucky, though."
Message from Lenka: I'm with Ragna on this one. Run! Man! Run!
"So, all that leaves you to do is to choose a powerful ability or piece of equipment."
I looked at her, still with a deadpan expression on my face.
"You don't seem to have a problem with me dying now, do you? After all, you said I might go, and I quote, 'poof' like you were reciting the fucking weather," I said.
"I never said that," she said with the fakest innocent expression ever. The sparkles didn't help her case at all.
She spun around and said, "Now, choose! I'll grant you one power that is second to none!" she yelled in excitement. while scattering many papers with abilities and equipment on them.
I sighed, got out of my chair and gathered them all up. Once done I sat back in my chair, legs crossed, and looked through the papers.
All, and I mean all of the things listed on these papers were without a doubt. Broken. As. Fuck.
And all things I could acquire by just using The Gamer ability! GG, Aqua, everything you just offered is basically useless to me.
"Hey, hurry it up. No matter what you pick, it's all the same." I looked at her. She was eating a bag of potato chips. "No one's expecting much from some random kid who wanders into nuclear testing zones."
Okay, that pissed me off.
Hey, guys?
Message from everyone: Yeah?
Want to see what happened in the anime?
Message from everyone: ...sure.
I pointed at Aqua.
"I pick you," I said with a cruel smile.
Message from everyone: THE FUCK!?
A glowing circle appeared underneath me.
"All right, stand there and don't leave the magic circle - what did you just say?"
A golden portal appeared in the sky. A blonde female angel wearing a pink dress came out of it.
"We have heard your request. I shall take over your job from here on out, Aqua." the angel said.
"Huh?" Aqua questioned.
"Jack Gehrman's wish complies with the regulations and has been accepted."
Another glowing circle appeared underneath Aqua. A force field erupted from the circles.
"Hey, what is all this? Wh-What? You've got to be kidding." Aqua said in denial. "No, no, no! Come on, um..." she started panicking and banging against the force field. "This is not right! Taking a goddess with you is against the rules! It must be illegal! This has to be illegal! Wait! Wait!"
It's what you get for being a smartass…
"Please have a safe trip, Aqua. Should you successfully defeat the Devil King, I will send someone to pick you up." said the angel.
She's enjoying this a little too much, isn't she?
"I may have the ability to heal since I'm a goddess, but I have no fighting ability to speak of! There's no way I can beat the Devil King!" yelled Aqua.
We both started to levitate.
"Hey, wait!" she yelled in a desperate plea.
I chuckled darkly, and slow clapped.
"Well, well, well. It seems that karma is a bitch even to goddesses." I started to laugh maniacally. "Tell me Aqua how does it feel to be dragged away by - I quote - 'some random kid who wanders into nuclear testing zones.' but don't worry I don't really have any use for you. Like you said, you've got no fighting ability. In other words: You're. Useless." I said coldly.
"No, No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Aqua yelled while I just smiled at her misfortune.
"Brave hero, I pray that of the great many prospective heroes, you will be the one to defeat the Devil King. If you do so, we shall grant any wish you desire as a gift from the gods." the angel exclaimed.
"That's my line!" yelled Aqua in vain.
"Now, go forth on your journey!"
Aqua and I entered a giant portal in the sky to the other world. My eyes were blinded by a bright light. Then, as the light died down, I found myself with Aqua in a medieval-looking town.
Huh? Just like the show. We're in The Town of Beginning Adventurers: Axel.
Message from Geralt: You know this world?
Didn't I just imply it was an anime earlier?
Message from Geralt: The Hell is an anime?
Someone put on Dragon Ball Z on for him.
Message from Nyarlathotep: I got it!
Thank you.
All of a sudden, Aqua grabbed me by my hoodie collar and shook me back and forth wildly while screaming hysterically. The people in the streets were looking at us weirdly.
"Don't worry, people, she's just really cranky she didn't get her coffee in the morning!" I yelled.
The people around gave me sympathetic looks and understanding nods. I grabbed Aqua by the shoulders to stop her.
"Jesus Christ, woman, calm down," I said.
"Calm down? Calm down?! I can't go back home! How am I supposed to calm down? What do I do? Huh? What am I going to do? What am I supposed to do from now on!?" she wept.
I sighed. "It's fine. We'll just go to a guild, sign up there, do a good amount of quests, and we're pretty much good from that point onward."
Ding!
A black screen appeared in front of me.
[You have a Quest]
Find the Adventurer's Guild before nightfall.
Start Time: The moment this window closes.
End Time: When the sun goes down.
Failure: No place to sleep, inability to get a guild membership the next day, and Aqua will constantly start nagging you.
"No one deserves that fate." - Gaia
Reward: Guild membership and directions to an Inn.
"You're just supposed to be some random kid. Why are you so reliable?" Aqua asked with a shocked look at me.
I ignored her and asked a random person on the street where the guild was. After I got the information I was looking for, Aqua and I were on our way to the guild. I rechecked that quest to see if I missed anything, my eyes stopped when I saw the name, Gaia.
Wait a minute! Gaia!? The same Goddess that gave Jee-Han the same ability in the manhwa!?
Message from Gaia: Yes, yes I am.
Cool. So are you the reason I have The Gamer power?
Message from Gaia: Yeah, Cthulhu was on his knees begging me to give him a copy of it. He may have changed a few things in this "Eldritch Edition" but I still manage the system.
Message from Cthulhu: I still hate you for making me beg for a copy of it!
Message from Gaia: *Puts on pixel sunglasses* Deal with it.
GG, Gaia. GG. Also, thank you for this awesome ability!
Message from Gaia: No problem, Jack. You'll prove as interesting a person as Jee-Han yet.
Before I knew it, Aqua and I were standing in front of the Adventurer's Guild.
[Quest Completed!]
Find the Adventurer's Guild before nightfall.
Reward: Aqua does not nag you. For now.
Good enough for me…
I looked at Aqua, she seemed nervous. I sighed. Like I said before:
This is going to be a fucking trial...
As we walked into the guild, I looked around. I saw a variety of titles and levels above the heads of the people there. There were no names visible yet, but I saw that the levels seemed to range from 12-24 for the most part.
We were greeted by a blonde waitress holding four full beer mugs.
"Welcome! If you're here to eat, please take any open seat. If you need job guidance, head to the counter inside." she said.
"Thanks," I replied.
I looked around and found it to be exactly like it was in the anime. It even had the skeleton of the giant snake thing coiled around the roof.
"Hey." said a large buff man sitting at a table near me. "Haven't seen you around here before."
Aqua shrieked in surprise.
"And what's with the weird clothes?"
"What? Never seen a man in black and red, with a scarf wrapped around his left arm?" I replied.
He looked at me blankly for a few seconds before we both started laughing.
"I'm just fucking with you, man. The name's Jack Gehrman, me and my friend here came from out of town. I'm actually here to defeat the Devil King...as cliché as that name is," I told him.
"Is that right, you reckless punk? You even look the part too," he said. I smirked.
"Welcome to the gates of Hell!" he exclaimed excitedly. "If you're lookin' for the guild admission desk, it's over there."
I fist bumped him with a grin on my face.
"Thanks, man!"
"No problem."
I walked to the admission desk, with Aqua following behind me.
"Hey," said Aqua, I grunted in acknowledgment and turned to her. "How can you make up a story like that on the spot?"
"I've watched a lot of anime and played a lot of video games. I've picked up a couple of things throughout the years." was my reply.
We continued walking to the admission desk.
"Why are you so capable when you were dumb enough to get yourself lost in a testing site?" she asked.
"You'll figure it out when you're older," I said patronizingly.
"Hey! I'm older than you!" she exclaimed.
"Fine, fine. You'll figure it out when you're smarter."
"That's better."
Message from Ragna: Did she just?...
Give it a minute.
"Hey!"
HA!
We walked up to the woman behind the admission desk. Her name was Luna, and good God was she just like the show. Blond wavy hair tied up into a bun at the back of her head, huge breast. And the most low cut shirt I have ever seen. EVER. It was like her shirt has trying to play limbo. ON HER CHEST!
Message from Ragna: Hot damn!
Message from Dante: She's hot as Hell!
Message from Lenka: Sakuya has some competition!
Message from Eddie: (Wolf whistle)
Message from Zelretch: Great googly moogly!
Message from Alucard: Bloody Hell!
Message from Geralt: Meh…
Geralt, you've gotten laid way too much.
Message from Geralt: Get on my level…
Who taught him gamer speak?
Message from Cthulhu: I did.
Also, Geralt, what do you think of anime?
Message from Geralt: I'm salty. WHY DIDN'T WE HAVE THIS BACK IN THE NORTHERN KINGDOMS!?
Get on my level scrub.
"Hello. What can I do for you today?" asked Luna.
It's a good thing I'm not shy around girls.
Message from Dante: If you were, I'd never let it go.
Asshole…
"How's it going miss, We'd like to become adventures," I said with a smile. She blushed when she got a good look at my face. She paused for a second, I brought my face closer to her's. "Is something wrong miss? Your face is a little red."
She blushed like a freakin' light and stuttered uncontrollably!
Message from Dante: How?...
Anime Logic 101: Be at least average or good looking. Don't everuse pickup lines, flirt a little bit, but not too much. And finally...don't be an asshole. Treat women with respect.
Message from Dante: That's it?...
Being badass also helps, like a lot!
"S-Sure, you'll just need to pay the registration fee," she said trying to regain her composure, but failing since her face was still red.
"Okay, how much is it?" I asked.
"One Thousand Eris per person."
Okay. From what I remember, one Eris is one yen. Basically, about one penny is the US, so one hundred yen is one dollar in the US. So ten dollars is one thousand Eris. I looked into my inventory.
Eris: 2000
I put my hand in my pocket and made the cash appear, I felt coins in my hand.
So, currency changes depending on the world?
Message from Gaia: Of course. Incorrect currency would be kind of inconvenient for the player after all...but I'm still wondering why Cthulhu gave you twenty US dollars in the first place.
Well, what can you expect from someone who cosplays as the Slenderman? Also, I think he cosplayed as him because the guild membership would cost a total of twenty US dollars.
Message from Cthulhu: Guilty as charged.
I gave the receptionist my $20. Sorry, Slenderthulhu.
"Allow me to formally explain," Luna said as she brought a stack of cards along with a device that had a blue sphere on top of it.
"Adventurers each have their own occupations."
She held up one of the cards and pointed to it.
"This is your registration card. It keeps track of how many monsters you've vanquished. As your level increases, you'll earn points that you can use to learn skills, so please work hard to raise your level." She explained.
Message from Geralt: So is this how The Gamer system works?
Yeah, did Cthulhu never tell you?
Message from Geralt: No, he pulled me out of my world and asked me to help him choose who got the power that could make them a god.
Well, damn, Cthulhu with that rudeness. Well in any case, basically, yes, kind of like how your games work.
Message from Geralt: I have games about me in your world!
Yeah, based on the books that were about you. Though the games are more like an unofficial sequel to the books.
Message from Geralt: How so?
The books end when you're stabbed by a villager with a pitchfork.
Message from Geralt: Fucking hated when that happened.
I know man. Amnesia is a bitch.
"Now, both of you, please hold your hands over this crystal." Luna motioned her hand to the device.
I put my hand over the crystal and it started glowing, the metal discs around the crystal moved in intricate ways. While blue glowing particles fell down three wide cone-like objects to make a concentrated beam of light. It started writing my information on the card below it.
"With this, you will each learn your current status, so please choose your desired occupation based on your stats." the blond receptionist explained, the beam of light ended.
"Yes, thank you very much," she said as she picked up the card.
"Jack German, is it? Let me see. Your stats are mostly average with the exception of fairly high dexterity and surprisingly high strength for your level. You might make a good swordsman." she said.
"Thanks!" I said while rubbing the back of my head with a grin. Luna blushed and smiled at me.
Message from Dante: Seriously, how are you doing this!
Git gud, Dante, git gud.
"So, should I make your primary job Swordsman?"
"Yes, please, miss..."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Luna."
"That's a lovely name."
She blushed at my compliment as she handed me my registration card. Now that it was Aqua's turn, I leaned against the wall; I knew what was coming. Luna gasped in amazement when Aqua's information was fully put on the card.
"Aside from your intelligence being below average, and your luck being the lowest possible level, all of your stats are drastically above average!" exclaimed a bewildered Luna.
"What? Does that mean I'm really amazing?" the water goddess asked.
"A-Amazing is an understatement! The mage class, which requires intelligence, is out of the question, but other than that you can be anything you want!" She was starting to attract attention from all the other people in the guild.
"A crusader, sword master, archpriest…Nearly any advanced class right from the start!"
"I see. It's a shame there's no 'goddess' occupation,"
Humble little one, aren't you, I thought sarcastically.
"But in my case, maybe I'll be an archpriest who heals her allies."
"An archpriest! An almighty class that commands all recovery and support magic and that boasts enough strength to stand at the front line!"
Message from Geralt: Impressive.
Trust me on this, Geralt. Don't get your hopes up.
Everyone in the guild started cheering for Aqua. Luna and the guild staff lined up side by side.
"Without further ado, welcome to our adventurer's guild, Aqua. All of our staff will be looking forward to your future exploits." Luna said in a very excited tone as everyone cheered for Aqua once again.
I just watched as everyone kept praising her. I smiled and sighed.
Message from Dante: I'm surprised, kid!
Why's that Dante?
Message from Dante: I thought you were going to go for the spotlight. You know, be the center of attention.
Naw, I'm good besides. I take my losses with a grain of salt. I don't like being some prick that always has to be the center of attention.
Message from Zelretch: Quite humble of you, young lad.
Thanks, Zelretch, and besides, I'm the one who has Luna practically eating out of my hand.
Luna notices me leaning on the wall, I simply smile and wink at her. She blushes and starts playing with the bottom of her shirt.
Message from Dante: Fucking hacks! How!? Were you some kind of playboy back in your original world!?
Nope, I never had a girlfriend or even went on a date before.
…
Dante?
Message from Cthulhu: I think you broke him.
Cool, so where's Nyarlathotep? I haven't heard from her in a while.
Message from Cthulhu: She's sharpening a knife, muttering about how she's going to and I quote "Slice off that blond cow's jugs."
Nyarlathotep, no!
Message from Nyarlathotep: You're mine, damn it!
Oh come on, you knew something like this was going to happen when I got The Gamer ability. Haven't you read the fanfictions? Getting a harem is practically inevitable.
Message from Nyarlathotep: Fine! But you owe me, and in full. Got it.
Thank you.
Message from Nyarlathotep: (sigh) You are solucky that I'm bi.
I choked on my own spit when she said that. I started coughing, Luna walked over to me worried that something was wrong.
"Are you okay Jack?" she asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry." I said trying not to make her worry.
Huh, you learn something new every day...not that I mind learning that.
Chapter 2 End