"The Dark Brotherhood found me when I was sixteen."
My tears dried and pain eased, hot tea on my lip. Mum stirred her mug, for which I was grateful. I didn't have to meet her gaze. "I had killed a boy in the Imperial City, for stealing from me. It wasn't difficult. The guards didn't care about the waterfront rabble, and I was never found out. I threw his body in Lake Rumare."
Lake Rumare. How many times did I dip my bare feet in its waters, under a gem-blue sky with a book on my lap?
"A Speaker came to me, shortly afterwards." She gave a small smile, and a shiver clambered down my spine as I saw Vicente return it.
"You?"
"Yes." Vicente folded his hands, gazing at me calmly. "Several years ago, before I retired as Speaker."
"After I finished my initiation, I came to Cheydinhal. I found a home, here. A family. Lucien was like a little brother to me." She laughed gently, sipping. "He met Talaendril, and under Vicente's orders recruited her, too. And so many others, so many who..." She sighed, lashes cast downward. "We were family. It was better than I'd ever imagined. Then, I met Jacques Dust. Your father."
Papa. I felt a lurch of panic at the realization I couldn't remember his face.
"By then, I was next in line for Speaker. But I was young, and foolish. We fell in love." I glanced quickly away as she looked to me, feeling a tug of guilt. "We ran away together, to his homeland, where he lived with his friend. Falrung. I told Vicente I would care for contracts in High Rock." She swirled her cup, the steam rising in spirals. "I had your sister. Three years later, I had you." A sweet smile, a loving gaze I couldn't meet. I looked into my tea, heat rising against my cheeks. "You were such a sweet child. Always curious. Anya was - different. Colder. Kind, and determined, but colder. Like myself as a little girl. I was scared my - my profession would scar you, so I trained Anya instead."
It made sense, in a terrible way. Anya and mum had always worked together, while I was with papa. Even in the mansion, they would go off together - to dinners, I was told. I never joined them. I thought Anya was learning grace and poise, when in truth she was learning how to wield a dagger.
"I - I didn't realize that Jacques was unfaithful to me, not at first. I was so focused on making Anya a daughter of the Night Mother." Mum shook her head, sighing. "It hurt me, when I found out. I trusted Falrung. But more than anything, it made me angry. I found someone else. I found Davide."
"Toltette." The name that had once made my blood boil rang hollow in my chest.
"Yes. I began to - see him, in secret. We cared for each other deeply, but I didn't realize... I didn't realize how much he wanted me." I winced at the harshness of her voice, the sound of unshed tears. "He didn't know what I was, but he contacted the Dark Brotherhood. He asked them to kill Falrung and Jacques, and I was selected to do it."
"So you did." I murmured, not daring to look up, not daring to feel.
"I had no choice. I served Sithis, will always serve Sithis, until the day I die and I am returned to his void. And if I had refused, I would have been killed. Perhaps you with me. I thought it wouldn't matter, thought I wouldn't care. Jacques had hurt me, and I knew Davide could care for us. But it was so much harder than I ever could have imagined." She whispered, gazing at something far away. "I tried to keep training Anya, but it wasn't meant to be. I didn't have the heart for it, and she no longer wished to be trained. When Sirius found my old contracts, my letters to the Brotherhood, I - I had to kill him, too. Shortly after, I sent my last letter to the Dark Brotherhood. I was done."
I dug my nails into the flesh of my hand at Sirius' memory, hissing. "Are you quite done?"
I hurt her. She stood, and began to walk away before I fell upon her, locked in her thin arms, my face buried in the crook of her neck. I cried like a child as she stroked my hair, running her fingers through unkempt locks.
"I have made mistakes, my sweet. Terrible mistakes. The Night Mother is still in my heart, though - though I am sure she is displeased with me." She squeezed me tight, my sobs becoming hiccups. "It is a difficult thing, to be both daughter of Sithis and mother of a child. Forgive me."
What else could I do? I loved her, terribly and deeply and painfully. As angry and betrayed as I was, I couldn't hate her, could never hate her. She understood my silence, winding her hand around my neck.
"Thank you, sweet. I know - I know it must be hard, impossible to understand this. But I am more than a murderer, as I am more than a mother, a wife. And I love you." She pursed her lips, plucking the edge of my frayed robe between her fingers. "I'm not leaving, not until I know you're safe and happy. You're starved and filthy." A hoarse laugh. "Your robe is stained and charred, for Sithis sake. I won't take no for an answer."
I giggled, sniffling. "...Yes, mum."