Chapter 4: Breaking down your walls
Aqua nearly broke the doors when she entered the guild.
"Aqua!" I shouted. "Calm down! The food's not going anywhere!"
"It's going down other peoples' throats, Jack!" The water goddess shouted. "This is unacceptable!"
I sighed as we walked into the guild.
And here...we...go.
The guild was bustling with people eating and drinking.
And boy were they drinking...like God damned fishes.
What they were doing should just be called "drunking."
I spotted Luna over at the guild administrative area, she was busy with approving jobs for other members of the guild so I didn't bother her. Aqua and I sat down at an empty table and waited for one of the waitresses. It didn't take long for one of them to come to our table.
"Hello, would you like to order something?" The waitress said in a cheery voice.
"Yes, we would, miss." I said, "What's being served?"
"Well, right now we're not really running out of food since an adventurer killed about sixteen Giant Toads earlier today. On an unrelated note, the special for today is Giant Toad Legs," she informed me.
"Y-Yeah...that adventurer would be me," I said, scratching the back of my head sheepishly.
The waitress looked like she didn't believe me.
"You're joking, right?"
"Nope." I said, popping the "p" sound.
"Oh!" she said in sudden realization, "So you're the guy Luna wouldn't stop talking about all day!"
"Reeeeeeeeeeeeally now?" I asked. This was going to be fun, "And what did she say?"
She smiled mischievously, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllll...she was going on and on about how you were so dreamy and-"
"Marica, one of these days I'm going to drown you! In beer!"
We turned our heads to see Luna, who had conveniently just finished her shift for the day, stomp her way over to mine and Aqua's table. Her face was lit up like a damn Christmas tree.
But on that note.
God damn!
Shut down! I mean God damn. No scoped from across the bar! From across the whole fucking server!
Someone give Luna Play of the Game!
Her hair already makes her look like Mercy make it go full circle!
"How's it going, Luna?" I asked, stopping her from attempting to maim her coworker.
"U-Um...hi, Jack-" Luna said.
Luna froze when she got a good look at what I was wearing, and my God she couldn't get any redder if she tried.
That, and she was stuttering like a broken record.
Then it occurred to me...I am senpai now. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Shut up, it's funny.
Welp, unlike most senpai, I will notice you!
I gently took her by the waist and sat her down next to me at the table.
"Come on, Luna. You can eat with Aqua and me," I offered. "I'm buying."
She nodded hesitantly. "O-Okay..."
I turned to the waitress, now named Marica.
"Yeah, we'll have three orders of Giant Toad Leg-"
SMASH!
Behind the waitress - whose expression had changed to surprise - two people crashed through the brick wall.
One was a very large man who had muscles. This guy was seriously a mountain. That was all I could see at the speed he was going. But he was the one flying through the wall.
I came in like a wrecking ball~. I sang in my head.
The other person was a guy of medium height, who seemed to be in a pose that suggested that he had air-kicked the mountain dude through the wall. Which was also all I could tell at that speed.
The mountain guy flew through the air and eventually landed on the job board. The average-height guy landed on the ground and skidded a few feet before stopping.
The bricks from the wall, however, decided to land pretty much everywhere.
After the dust settled, I got a better look at the average-height guy.
He had a fair complexion, slightly long black hair, and one forelock of that hair dangled in front of his face. He wore a red tunic, and loose-fitting black pants held up by a belt. He also wore black boots.
Then a guy in the corner who was wearing an ascot yelled, "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU GETTIN' YO' ASS WHUPPED!"
Luna sighed as if this were routine.
"Valence," she chided. "It doesn't matter if you pay us back. At some point, kindly stop kicking your targets through the guild wall."
"No, keep doing it!" I exclaimed. "That was awesome!"
The average-height guy, apparently named Valence, now had proper identification above his head.
Mercenary
LV 32 Valence
But it confused me because I remembered no one from this universe named that. And what was with that level?
Cthulhu…
Message from Cthulhu: Yes, Jack.
Who the actual fuck is this guy?
Message from Cthulhu: An extra.
What?...
Message from Cthulhu:You know. A background character. One who would have never come into play if you hadn't gone around killing toads as you were actually supposed to. It appears your existence has tampered a bit more with this world than you realize.
Huh?... Well, I should have expected this. Also, has Dante stopped crying like a little bitch?
Message from Dante: I FUCKING hate you right now, you slut.
I'm sorry that I know how shit works in anime.
Message from Dante: You SHOULD be!
Message from Zelretch: Apparently Dante, for all the shit he talks, doesn'tknow what sarcasm is.
Message from Lenka: How does he not know what sarcasm is? He uses it all the time.
Message from Dante: NO, there's NO WAY I know what SARCASM is. What's THAT?
It's basically your sex life, but less painful.
Message from Cthulhu: Ruined.
Message from Geralt: Get on his level scrub!
Message from Eddie: Rocked, rolled and rekt!
Message from Ragna: Terumi isn't even thatbrutal!
Message from Alucard: Rekt...
Message from Dante: Fuck you guys...
Message from that one priest from a Slap on Titan: PRAYZE the walls!
Wait, when did he get here?
Message from Cthulhu: He just kind of showed up one day and he was far too entertaining to let go.
Fair enough, I guess.
"Hm," Valence said, turning to the rest of the room. "Will of the council?"
Everyone basically agreed that he should stop kicking his targets through the wall, most especially those with debris in their food.
"All right, all right," he said, holding his hands up for silence. "I'll possibly consider not doing it next time. But I make no promises."
"Good thing the food didn't get here before he started knocking down walls like he was the Kool-Aid Man."
Message from Cthulhu: Oh, no.
Message from Dante: Oh, no.
Message from Geralt: Oh, no.
Message from Ragna: Oh, no.
Message from Ascot Guy from a Slap on Titan: Oh, no.
Message from Alucard: Oh, no.
"Oh, yeah," Valence said.
That mother fucker has noidea what he just did.
Message from Nyarlathotep: XD The others are too busy laughing their asses off to send messages!
"And now, to collect," Valence continued, speaking to Luna. "The Mountain Man has been subdued, so I think that's...about 300,000 Eris? Not counting the deduction I owe you for the wall."
"Yes," Luna said dryly. "Your Wall Tax will be taken into account. Go see the attendant for your payment."
He does that so often they actually have a tax for it...
"Thanks," Valence said, smiling. He waved to Luna and began to make his way to the desk. "I'll see you later."
"Peace!" I said, waving from my seat.
Valence turned his head to me.
"Ah, I see there's a new guy here," he said. "Strange-looking, but I see you have Luna's attention at least, so there's something."
Luna blushed bright red at his blunt statement.
I shrugged and smirked.
"Hey, I'm already buying her dinner," I said. "Like Hell! I'd have to be some dense prick to not notice a pretty girl crushing on me."
Valence snapped his fingers.
"Dinner! That's what I forgot! Dang. All right, I'll see you all later. After I collect payment and deposit the Wall Tax, I need to eat," Valence said as he left.
I turned my head to Luna.
"What a nice guy," I said in an overly cheerful tone.
"What a nice headache, you mean," Luna groaned. "The approval process to fix that wall is becoming nightmarish. Still, I guess he's at least reliable."
"Wow," I said. "How many times a week does he break down the walls?"
"It's not really a matter of times a week. Whenever he's in town, he does it at least once," she answered. "His consistency is just enough to make my job harder."
"Damn, he must come to town often..." I said, surprised, "So, yeah, we'll have three orders of Giant Toad Legs."
"Okay," Marica responded. "And what would you like to drink?"
"What do you have?"
"Beer, more beer, generic beer, exactly one bottle of wine, annnnnnnnnd beer," Marica answered cheerfully.
"What flavor is the wine?" I asked, in awe at how much beer there was.
"It's wine-flavored," she answered, still cheerful.
"I'll take the wine..." I said, with deadpan.
"You sure? It'sstrong."
"How strong?"
"It can bench-press Valence and the Mountain Man. At the same time."
"I'll take that as a challenge."
Five Minutes Later
"Iiiiiiiin this corner of the ring! The Fiendish Brew, the Devil's Due, the SINGLE BOTTLE OF WINE, weighing in at 4 fluid ounces!" Marica gestured to my opponent.
The bottle of wine was simply standing there on a stool about seven feet away from me. It was absolutely minuscule.
The thing was tiny but also really really hardcore. It had no brand label. Just a pentagram with 666 at each of the tips and also in the middle. It was six times more satanic than Satan himself.
My God...
This will be my most hardcore battle yet!
I can only imagine what kind of Hellish grapes were used to make the concoction in front of me.
Who knows just what kind of horrors it's put people through, or how much of it is actually just the tears of dying orphans. I could probably die of alcohol poisoning by just dipping my finger in that bottle even if it were empty.
But none of that matters now.
It's time to throw down motherfuckers!
I grabbed the bottle of wine and popped the cork on the nearest table.
Let's fucking do this!
Thirty Seconds Later
"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!"
Everyone in the guild cheered as I drank the wine like I was dying of thirst.
I drank the last of the contents of the bottle.
"ANOTHER!" I yelled as I smashed the now empty bottle on the table.
Debuff- Drunk
Message from Cthulhu: It baffles me how you're not dead from alcohol poisoning.
Im' jsut taht bdssa…
Message from Cthulhu: Are you going to say anything else?
wEht u meen?/
Message from Cthulhu: Your last message had 3 dots at the end.
Tht'sa won pired ye dco;iadjv
Message from Cthulhu: You're so astronomically drunk you can't control your own thoughts' punctuation. *Facepalm*
Yuer jest gellis m9
Ding!
New skill made!
[Alcohol Tolerance] (Passive) LV 45, EXP [70%] This is your ability to withstand any alcohol-related effects. As EXP increases, you will be able to make Irishmen worship you as their new God. At max rank, Jacksepticeye will crown you their king and no matter how much you drink you can't die of alcohol poisoning but can somehow still get drunk. Tolerance to alcohol increases by 10%.
Message from Ragna: Holy. Shit. The Hell was in that bottle that made the skill level jump from 0 to 45!?
Message from Alucard: How much would you have to drink to max that shit? And more importantly, where can I get that much alcohol?
Message from Cthulhu: I don't think we want to know the answer to that. He may just try to power level the skill.
"Jack, are you okay?" Luna asked.
"Ehhhh, I just *hic* drank a f-four *hic* ounce bottle of terror with *hic* nothing in my system." Then I fell down.
"...Jack? I don't think you're..."
"This floor is my friend…*hic* the ceiling is Harambe..." I said in a cheerfully, my voice muffled by the floor. I tried to unzip my pants to get my dick out, but luckily I was too drunk to do so and nobody noticed what I was doing.
I tried to get up. Instantly I felt sick, and if I'd been in the right mind, I would have been worried sick that I was about to throw up with a goddam eldritch body (didja get that? Worried sick?). I convulsed onto a chair and grabbed a flower pot that was on the table.
HWWWWWWBLLAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!
I was dumb enough to look into the flower pot. Instead of the usual vegetable soup that characterizes throw up, it was filled with rainbows.
Did they make this with Skittles stolen from the dying orphans whose tears were squeezed out of their ducts?
Message from Alucard: OH GOD!
Message from Eddie: THAT IS NASTY! I DIDN'T THINK RAINBOWS COULD BE NASTY BUT THESE ONES ARE!
Message from Dante: I'll never look at Skittles the same way again!
Message from Cthulhu: In all my eternities, I have never seen anything that fucked up. And I have cults that worship me.
Message from Zelretch: I...I got nothing...
Then Luna said, "If I ever have to taste that rainbow, just put me out of my misery right there."
I felt Luna rub my back right before my head slammed into the table when I blacked out.
The next day
You have slept on a comfortable surface for eight hours.
All HP and MP restored.
All debuffs are cured.
Oh great, I can actually sit up.
Double great I don't have a hangover - somehow… Fucking loving [Eldritch Mind] and[Eldritch Body] right now.
I felt two foreign weights on my shoulders.
I looked to my left and what do I see?
Luna. Naked.
Fuck. Literally.
Dammit, now I remembered...extremely vaguely.
Why that lady would want to fuck someone who had just thrown up rainbows was beyond me.
Oh, right, she made me drink a whole bottle of mouthwash. No, not swish, drink.
At that point, it was just as hard to get down as the wine.
I thought mouthwash came after the sixty-nine (heh, 'came').
And apparently, I had gotten my dick out. But it was onlykind of for Harambe.
But did I consent? I think I did and it just came out as "Eughgadfjaads oioy ya b3ubs lerk fdalkjin' grayt".
And I still haven't had dinner yet.
When I listened very closely, I could hear Dante crying some more.
I love the taste of salty tears in the morning. Tastes like victory.
I used my left arm to bring Luna closer to me.
"I feel like I'm forgetting something..." I muttered.
I turned my head to the other side of the bed.
Aqua. Naked.
Fuck...again. Literally...again.
Damn it, I stuck my dick in stupid!
New achievement acquired: Stud - You fucked two girls at once. It wasn't even the first date. And you were mentally incapable of trying or giving a fuck. And yet somehow you gave two.
New achievement acquired: Asshole - Congratulations, even the game thinks you're a douche now. This is what happens if you don't whip it out fully for Harambe!
Fuck I miss him too.
Worth it.
So God damned worth it.
I was going to get up, but then I realized: that would wake them up. The girls were both sleeping on my shoulders. Ah, fuck I had to piss.
I should just go in the inventory and throw it at someone later. Wait, can I even piss in the inventory? Now is not the time to find out. I have morning wood anyway.
Ding!
New skill acquired!
[Sexual Intercourse] (Passive) LV 40, EXP [69%] This the ability to please your partner in the only environment that matters: the bedroom (or wherever you like to do the dance with no pants). Once in the right state, you have the option to feel the love tonight (cry some more) by unleashing the zipper ripper, the weapon of ass destruction, the dicktator, Excalibur, call it what you like, it's out now.
I tried my God damned best not to start laughing my ass off.
So far that's my favorite ability description. Right next to terrible puns.
Guys, how long did we go at it for the level to be motherfucking 40!? Yesterday was one productive fucking day.
Message from Cthulhu: Good morning, man whore.
Y'know for a while, I thought having these badasses in my mind would be a good thing. But NOPE! They saw everything I did. Everything. I couldn't fap without them looking over my shoulder anymore.
Message from Zelretch: I'll say, Lenka, Ragna, Geralt, and Eddie left saying something about the bro code, Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Dante, Alucard, and I all watched the 16-hour sextacle spectacle spectacular. Dante brought lawn chairs, red bull, and 3D glasses.
That doesn't sound like something he'd do.
Message from Zelretch: He thought you'd get a floppy disk.
Message from Alucard:I have been ripping human bodies apart for centuries and I didn't know that they could contort like that.
Message from Dante: You little shit! How the Hell are you getting laid faster than I do!? I'm gonna fucken' drown you one of these days!
I'm already drowning in your salty virgin tears.
Message from Alucard: NOW YOU'RE A MAN! A MAN, MAN, MAN! NOW YOU'RE A MAN! A MANLY MANLY MAN!
Message from Nyarlathotep: Jack?...
Yes?...
Message from Nyarlathotep: When you get back, we're power leveling the living shit outta that skill.
I wasn't sure if I should have been aroused, terrified or both.
Message from Dante: Really!? You too!? I thought you were fucking kidding when you said you had a crush on the kid!
Oh, Dante, your tears are my berry blue Gatorade.
Message from Nyarlathotep:That feels like a reference to something…
Well, my OC's name has been used in of my several fanfictions, so it is. Hooray for shameless self-promotion! ...I still have morning wood. Are these two going to wake up anytime soon!? And on that note. HOW IN THE NINE HELLS DID THE SEX SKILL GO UP TO LEVEL FUCKING 40!? And more importantly what was in that bottle to make me level up higher in alcohol tolerance than I did in sexual intercourse?
Message from Cthulhu: It was a combination of the buff the wine gave you when you blacked out and the fact that you fucked a goddess.
I'll take a shot in the dark and say the buff gave me an extreme EXP for skills, but what the Hell does fucking a goddess have anything to do with it?
Message from Cthulhu: Aqua has a higher sex skill than you by default due to being a goddess. Fucking her would power level your skill like some low-level scrub beating a secret boss. By the way, level 20 is the limit of human sex. Level 30 is the last level for demigods. And level 40 is the end of gods. You've still got a long way to go. Nyarlathotep is level at least 80. And as for the bottle, even I have trouble drinking it. Me. Cthulhu.
Oh God, my body is not ready.
Message from Nyarlathotep: Nope. But it will be. After I break you a few times and build you back up.
I really hope that means just putting the level back at 0.
Message from Nyarlathotep: Nope. Scared?
I'm not saying I'm scared. I'm just saying I'm scared. And that I'm shitting pineapples...wait, I have [Eldritch Body] and [Eldritch Mind] you can't break me!
Message from Nyarlathotep: Sweetie you only have the confidence to say that because you can't even imagine the things I'm going to pull out of you.
...I need an adult…
Message from Nyarlathotep: I am an adult.
Message from Alucard: Welp this went from hilariously awkward to painful to imagine so I'm leaving now.
Message from Cthulhu: I'm just going to back away slowly and come back when there's less weird shit.
Message from Dante: ...I'll help you stock up on Viagra kid, you'll need it…
Message from Zelretch: Jack it's myturn to make a bad pun… you're screwed.
At least have the decency to give me a Berry Blue Gatorade!
Chapter 4 End