Chapter 6: Oh Bobbily Boo
Status. I thought as I walked down the street. It was very early in the morning, and the sun was just starting to rise. People were just getting up to start their day; usually I would be sleeping in since it was summer before I got here. But after what I had learned, I needed something to clear my head. Being a constant brooding emo wasn't going to solve anything, leave that to Sasuke.
Nyarlathotep gifted me a black suit, with a white undershirt, a black tie, and black steel-toed boots. I wore the duster unbuttoned.
In all honesty, I looked really damn good.
I left a note for Luna and Aqua so they know I would be back soon.
Name: Jack Gehrman Toad Slayer
Occupation: The Eldritch Gamer
LV: 8
EXP: 67%
HP: 235/235
MP: 210/210
Strength: 25
Vitality: 18
Dexterity: 14
Intelligence: 19
Wisdom: 9
Luck: 9
Point(s): 0
Eris: 297,000
But speaking of Naruto, I haven't messed around with my inner energy yet, mana.
Welp, time to start fucking with my own mana!
Wait, that sounded wrong.
Message from Nyarlathotep: Sounded right to me!~
Knowing you, you'd probably have me turn my dick into a Impov viabrator.
Message from Nyarlathotep: Oh, you have no idea, but thanks your the suggestion, I'll have to catalog that one down!
Dear God, what have I done? I'm giving her ideas!
Wait! This could work in my favor, I just need to get enough skills to raise up my endurance, Dante and Zelretch already have me covered with the viagra and redbull. Dante actually bought the red bull for himself but I stole it. I figured I needed it more.
Message from Dante: WAIT, YOU DID WHAT!?
It's in my Inventory now bitch!
Message from Dante: You know Jack, one of these days you're gonna push me to far…
If you're going to be like that, I'll take your pizza next.
Message from Dante: Whoa. Let's not get crazy now, you're still at a low enough level that I can kill you.
And I'm sure Nyarlathotep would even consider letting you get close.
Message from Nyarlathotep: He's right you know, your ass is grass and I am the law and the lawnmower.
Message from Dante: Eh, I'd just buy you a pizza. It'd be fine.
Message from Nyarlathotep: Tempting, but as the second most powerful being in existence, I must decline.
Message from Dante: WHAT MANNER OF CREATURE ARE YOU!? HOW CAN YOU RESIST THE POWER OF PIZZA!?
Dude, calm your tits and rest your breasts, before she shreks your pecs. Not everyone can eat pizza everyday along with ice cream sundays and beer, and stay as ripped as you are. Jeebus Christ it gets annoying having all you people in my head at once.
Message from Dante: Waddaya mean "You people?"
*Silence*
Message from Dante: I can't believe I finally got to say that!
Message from Cthulhu: Really?...REALLY!?
Message from Ragna: Why this…
Message from Alucard: Dante, Please. There are children here.
Message from Dante: You mean like Lenka?
Message from Lenka: Kill yourself, Dante. Kill yourself.
Message from Dante: I don't understand why you all constantly have to roast me like this…
Well you did throw shade at Lenka first. And as far as irritating voice chats go, this is what I'm talking about. Hey Cthulhu, can I have a mute function?
Message from Cthulhu: Denied! For entertainment value, YOUR LIFE IS MY SITCOM!
...What?
Message from Cthulhu: See, I look through the lives of characters like Dante, Ragna, Alucard, etc. for badass anime fight scenes. I look through yours as a sitcom!
My universe just got blown to smither- y'know what? Never mind, I see your point.
Message from Geralt: So Jack, what's today's plan, going to grind for levels on the frogs?
Message from Eddie: Or, are you finally going to level up the guitar playing skill?
Neither, I'm going to mess around with the system, see what I can find. But first, time to try using mana for the first time.
Message from Gaia: Good choice. Now, I know you've seen enough anime to know how to unlock it, give it a shot dear.
As I walked with my hands in my pockets, I cleared my head, and looked deep inside my body for anything I could find. Soon enough, I found what appeared to be a blue light. I imagined myself grabbing the light, the blue light in my imaginary hand started to build up in intensity, and once the light was too bright to look at I opened up my hand. My eyes snapped open to find myself engulfed in a translucent blue wispy aura. It felt as if the aura was a part of me, as if it were a muscle that was always part of my body. So, naturally, I tried moving it. The mana condensed until it was covering both of my arms.
Ding!
New skill acquired!
[Mana Manipulation] (Passive) LV 1, EXP [0%] This is your aptitude for mana manipulation. As the skill EXP increases, you will be better able to reach inside yourself and grab hold of your inner essence and pull things out of you that you never knew you had. And before you ask, yes, I am an aduuuuuuult! Ability to manipulate mana goes up by 12%
Who wrote these skill descriptions, anyway!? These are fantastical, fabulous, and only slightly flippant.
Message from Nyarlathotep: I'm urgin' for a virgin.
Enough with the kinky mana jokes! Seriously! Besides, I've fucked before!
Message from Nyarlathotep: You'll be fucking again quite soon~
Fuck! Fell right into that one.
Message from Nyarlathotep: You'll be falling into something else soon, if you know what I mean...
Damn! Stop wrecking me so hard.
Message from Nyarlathotep: You know, I know something else that might get hard again soon...
FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU-
I spun around on my heel with my arms outstretched. The blue mana covering them made a beautiful blue streak as I twirled while on my merry Poppins way. I grinned as I saw what I had done.
"That was pretty cool." I said to myself.
I focused the mana onto my fingertips, I started moving them in elaborate motions as if I were a conductor for an orchestra. The streaks of blue light were just very entertaining, but this also gave way to another highly entertaining idea.
Gift from Nyarlathotep: Something Sexy
[Black Fedora]
I put on the fedora as I channeled my mana to my hands and feet, causing them to glow an ethereal blue color.
BGM: Thriller (Single Version) by Michael Jackson
Thank you, whoever played this. THANK! YOU!
Message from Zelretch: You're welcome. Now, entertain me!
With pleasure!
I walked with a slight bounce in my step. Quickly, I crossed my right leg with my left while standing and held my arms to the right. I turned around while kicking off my right foot, keeping it just above the ground and close to my left foot while spinning three times in succession. I stopped spinning by firmly placing my right foot on the ground. My arms out stretched with my head down, just enough for my fedora to shadow my eyes. I snapped my fingers, causing a stunning blue burst of mana.
Ding!
New skill acquired!
[Dancing] (Passive) LV 1, EXP [0%]. This is your ability to unleash your funky freshness. As skill EXP increases, you will be able to show the true powers of 40,000 years of pure funk! Ability to dance goes up by 10%
Message from Dante: Dayumn son, just...damn.
Message from Ragna: I wonder if I could pull that off with the Azure?
Once I really started to get into the groove I began to perform the Thriller zombie dance. Many adventures witnessed me going down the street dancing as my wispy mana danced along with me. As I danced I saw their faces, they ranged from impressed to straight up WTF. Eventually some of them actually joined me in the dance, copying what I was doing. This kept going until a total of thirty people joined in an early morning dance routine of pure awesome.
"Cause this is thriller, thriller night!" I sang.
Ding!
New skill acquired!
[Singing] (Passive) LV 1, EXP [0%]. This is your ability to sing. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make even Simon Cowell admit your vocal prowess. Tone control and vocal control go up by 10%
"And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike."
The group of adventurers and I kept dancing across the street as my [Mana Manipulation], [Dancing], and [Singing] skills leveled up rapidly. We passed an elderly couple walking down the street who looked at us strangely.
The old man looked at his wife. "Honey, did you put anything funny in my water?"
"No, dearie, just the tip..." the old man's wife said, smiling sweetly.
As we danced I noticed a certain accessory shop in the distance, a familiar woman was opening the door. Most likely to set up shop for the day.
She was a beautiful, well-endowed young woman with fair skin. She had brown eyes and brown straight reaching down to the front of her shoulder and further behind her back, slightly curling at the tips. Her fringe covering her right eyes, a massive ahoge atop her head. She wore a purple dress with a dark purple cloak over it.
This is Wiz.
Her head was tilted to the side adorably.
I wonder what's on her mind.
What's on Wiz's mind.
What in the world is going on?
I feel like I've been left out of a really funny joke.
I moonwalked over to Wiz's shop after the crowd dispersed. Once there, I performed the iconic Michael Jackson spin with my left in my pocket, I spined five times before I stopped using my right foot. I raised up my right hand, snapping my fingers, causing one more burst mana before I turned the skill off. I looked at Wiz and tipped my hat and winked at her.
BGM End
Her face lit up like a Christmas tree and she started stuttering like crazy. It was in this moment that I realized - my life is now a music video.
Message from Dante: *Silently Triggered*
All according to keikaku.
Message from Lenka: It's not really silent if you literally type it out you know.
Message from Dante: Just let me have this…
Mmmmm...Dante, your anguish, it sustains me.
"Hi ma'am, my name is Jack, what's yours?" I asked.
"I-I'm Wiz." she said shyly. "U-Um, if you don't mind me asking, what was with the dancing a moment ago?"
I started rubbing the back of my head in accordance with generic anime rule number 54 and grinned broadly. "I kind of just unlocked my mana and had the brilliant idea to start dancing with it, covering my hands and feet to make a cool effect."
"Unlocked your mana?" she asked, confused.
"Um, yeah." I raised my hand up and channeled my mana through it, covering it in a wispy blue aura once more.
Wiz looked at my hand in wonder. "I've never seen mana manifest itself like that before."
"Really?"
"Mana is an invisible force inside a person that is drawn out by their will to be used for skills. Never have I seen someone draw out their mana in the way you have, much less visibly."
"So, I'm one of a kind?"
"Y-Yes, very much so, I've never seen anything like it."
Must be because the [Eldritch Gamer] gives me a different magic system than the world I'm currently in.
I noticed that she was carrying a large box of books.
"You need help with that?" I asked.
"Oh, u-um, it's fine, I don't want to be a bother." the lich said shyly.
"It's no problem at all," I said cheerfully.
Wiz still looked unsure. "Are you sure?"
"Positive." I said, smiling.
"Alright then..."
I held my arms out as Wiz placed the large books of books in my arms.
You know those times where think you've got this, but in reality you're fucked?
This was one of those times.
Jesus buttfucking Christ these books were heavy! What were these things made of, ten tons of pure steel!? I barely keeping myself from dropping the box.
"U-Um, are you okay?" Wiz asked concerned.
"Oh, don't worry, I'm fine." I smiled, doing everything in my power keep my arms attached and my face neutral.
Message from Dante: Lift with your legs you little shit! Hahahahahahahahaha! 'Bout time something like this happened!
Drink bleach, Dante...
I silently sighed as Wiz got out her keys to open the shop.
So, Lenka, how does it feel to use a giant car sized sword that's also a gun and a monster?
Message from Lenka: ...I never thought of it that way.
It sounds fucking ridiculous doesn't it?
Message from Lenka: Extremely. But, now that I think about it, it's really damn cool.
I want a God Arc, it would be so awesome.
Message from Eddie: Dude, you are a fucking champ right now. How are you still holding that heavy ass box?
No idea, but I'm dying on the inside every second I have to hold this thing up. Aren't I such a chivalrous bastard!?
Message from Zelretch: Define "chivalrous."
Fine, semi-chivalrous.
Message from Cthulhu: Focus, maggot! She just opened up the door, move that ass!
Wait, what?
"Um, Jack, the door's open now." I heard Wiz say.
"A-Ah, sorry zoned out there for a second." I said, smiling sheepishly.
"I-It's alright." she said blushing.
Message from Dante: THAT'S IT! NEXT TIME YOU GET HERE YOU'RE FUCKING TEACHING ME HOW TO DO THIS!
Sure.
Message from Dante: Wait, really!?
Yeah, were you expecting me to say no?
Message from Dante: Well, kind of, I had the chloroform ready and everything.
Were you planning a God damned kidnapping!?
Message from Dante: What? Nyarlathotep was cool with it.
The fuck Nyarlathotep!?
Message from Nyarlathotep: He promised that I could have you after you taught him. Also you know that you can just call me Nyaruko right?
God damnit Nyaruko, you're gonna break my dick!
Message from Nyarlathotep: And I'll record the whole thing!
My eye twitched slightly as I walked forward into the shop. It was your typical medieval fantasy shop, the only difference was that everything in the shop was endgame grade equipment, with the prices ranging from millions to billions!
Message from Dante: Holy shit, just one piece of equipment here is worth more than my debt!
In the words of Rodin: You deadbeat motherfucker.
Message from Dante: God damnit! You know about The Gates of Hell too!?
"So, where do you want me to put this?" I asked Wiz.
"Ah, just behind the counter if you would." she answered.
"Got it."
I started to lower the box down after staggering over to the counter.
Don't break the floor don't break the floor don't break the floor don't break the floor don't
break the floor don't break the floor don't break the floor...
Message from Dante: BREAK IT! BREAK IT! BREAK IT! BREAK IT! ABSOLUTELY BREAK IT!
Not helping!
I slowly set the box on the floor.
"You're a lot stronger than you look Wiz." I said giving her a lopsided grin.
"T-Thank you!" she said, giving me a beaming smile. "I don't mean to pry but, did you come the Axel recently, I don't think I've ever seen you around here before."
"Ah, I came to the town yesterday with a friend." I said, I started cracking my neck. "We became adventures at the Adventurer's Guild the same day."
"Really, what class did you pick?"
"I chose swordsman."
Wiz looked at me perplexed. "Swordsman? Excuse my critique, but you don't look the part." her face quickly grew red with embarrassment. "I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO OFFEND YOU!"
I raised my arms in the air as if surrendering. "U-Um, don't worry, I don't take offense to it at all."
Wiz looked as if she was about to cry. "R-Really?"
I smiled warmly. "Really, really."
"But, why aren't you wearing any armour? And where's your sword?"
"I don't wear any armour because I prefer speed over defense. Why take a hit when I can avoid it all together?" And I play a lot of Bloodborne, I tightened my tie. "That, and I believe in looking classy."
She nodded.
"As for where I keep my sword," I opened up my inventory and took out my sword and rested it on my shoulder. "I've got it on me at all times."
Wiz looked at me with a dumbstruck expression. "How?"
"Infinite space pocket dimension." I said simply.
"Infinite!?"
"Yup!"
Wiz's jaw was dropped, she must be calling hacks so damn hard right now.
Message from Geralt: Wouldn't blame her, do you know how useful that would be for all the potions I have!?
Sounds like a personal problem.
Wiz sighed and rubbed her forehead. "We've been getting all sorts of strange new adventurers recently."
"Really?"
"Yeah, the last foreigner that came here had some kind of cursed sword called Gram. I believe his name was Mitsurugi Kyouya, the guy became the town's ace in a matter of days."
I hummed in acknowledgement.
Ah, yes, Mitsurugi Kyouya, that prick.
Message from Ragna: What's got you all worked up?
That prick Mitsurugi Kyouya, in the original version of this world, started shit with Kazuma without knowing the situation and challenged him to a duel.
Message from Ragna: What's wrong with that?
He challenged a novice adventurer, who had no chance in hell of beating him if he wasn't able to make damn good use of the thief skill: Steal. Worst part is, the ass never had to work for his power, it was just handed to him and he acts so high and mighty because of it.
Message from Ragna: Wow, Mitsurugi sounds like a real tool.
Will you help me drown him the pool, if he challenges me to a duel?
Message from Ragna: That would be cool.
Hang him by a stool?
Message from Cthulhu: Cut that shit out, boy, you're embarrassing me.
Damnit, now we lost the rhythm! Now I look like a fool!
I took off my fedora and let it hang on my index finger about a foot away from my face. I smirked, and winked at Wiz.
"So, do I look like a swordsman now?"
Message from Gaia: Mama Gaia like. ;)
I had a feeling that she nearly fainted due to how much blood just rushed to her head. "Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes!"
Message from Dante: Seriously kid, where on Earth did you learn how to do this!?
From you.
Message from Dante: ...What?
Dante, you are one of the most badass motherfuckers I have ever seen. Your stylish combo rank is at a permanent SSS. I hold you in high regard as one of the most respected people in video games, and greatly respect you personally as well.
Message from Dante: Wait, really!? Than what was with all of the roasting?
Dude, I just like fucking with people.
Message from Dante: From what you did with Luna and Aqua, I can imagine. I'm still going to find ways to troll you.
And I'm still going to get laid more than you ever will.
"So, Wiz, I'll catch you around." I said, waving goodbye as I left the shop.
"See you later Jack." she said as I walked out.
On the way back to the inn I bought some food from a merchant. I still hadn't eaten anything in the last two days, I would not be denied a meal now! Well, it was all fruit, but beggars can't be choosers.
I opened up the door to our inn room, Aqua and Luna were still sleeping. I pulled out the chair by the small desk and sat down, I took the bag of fruit I bought from my inventory, and started eating a rather large apple. After a while I got drowsy and fell asleep on the desk with my head in my arms.
I woke up to someone shaking me.
"Come on Jack, wake up already!" I heard Aqua yell.
I yawned and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. "I'm up, I'm up." I looked around the room, but I didn't see Luna anywhere. "Where's Luna?"
"Luna said that she had work today, gave you a kiss goodbye, ate some of the fruit and left." Aqua explained nonchalantly, she used the bed blanket to cover up her body.
Goodbye kiss, really now?
Gift from Cthulhu: Yes Really
[Small Mirror]
I pulled out the mirror from my inventory. It was small, rectangular, and didn't have any sort of frame around it. I looked at myself through the mirror to find a lipstick kiss mark on my check.
"How are you able to do that?" I heard Aqua asked. "You were supposed to be nothing but a normal human being."
I contemplated the consequences of telling the water goddess before me of my abilities as a Gamer.
Eh, fuck the consequences.
"Well Aqua, make yourself comfortable, because it's about time I told you how I became the [Eldritch Gamer]."
Message from Dante: Roll credits!
Wait, What!?
No!
Chapter End.
Review Responses.
All about party and crazy: I know right, but the story needed direction.
oneddtodd: I will keep up all of the good work.
kumbrakarna: Don't stop me now! I'm having such a good time. I'm having ball!
Analyn Rockwand: One day, but not today.
puppy13: You just got more son!
Guest: I don't understand your question, if you're asking what world I'm in, I'm in Konosuba.
MysticSpider: TFS FTW!
HatedGrimm: If only I had your reading speed…
Saint of vice koncor: It's fun writing this story!
LordDesolation: I have.