Firstly off, I'm not sorry for the wait. If you've even spent, at minimum, three seconds glancing at my profile, you know I have absolutely NO writing schedule. Sometimes I write only one sentence a day.
But either way, your wait is over!
OVER!
IT'S ALL OGRE NOW!
Have fun with this chapter, and don't forget to review, or else I'll kill all ya'll!
Chapter 7: Hail to The Prince
Fucking Dante, rolling the credits before I was ready. Eh, I've roasted him to a crisp, I need a new target. I'll deal with that later.
Aqua looked at me in shock, her mouth slightly agape.
Not that I could blame her, I mean really, I just told her one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard, and it was coming out of my mouth.
"So, let me get this straight…" Aqua began. "The entire multiverse is coming to an end."
"Yup." I confirmed.
"And you were chosen by Cthulhu, and a merry band of fictional characters, to save it."
"Mmmmhmmm. Yeah, he notified me by nuking me."
"And he gave you a power called 'The Eldritch Gamer' which has the potential to basically make you a god among gods."
"Yes, like I didn't just get done explaining this!"
Message from Cthulhu: Hey, remember that one time I fucking killed you?
Yeah. Solo ult much?
Message from Cthulhu: It's not solo ulting if you can do it as much as you want.
Message from Gaia: Cthulhu it's okay to be a bitch, but you don't have to be such a bitch about it. On another note, Nyarlathotep and I are going to be away for a bit.
Message from Nyarlathotep: Peace!
Y'know when you don't understand something so your eyes just start floating everywhere? I was doing that.
I have several questions.
Aqua looked at me incredulously. "That is by far the most stupid thing I've ever heard in my life."
I sighed, let's test out a certain feature of the Gamer system I've wanted to try.
"Add Aqua to party." I said in a monotone voice. You see, I'd pictured saying those words, but I never really thought I'd have to.
I smirked at Aqua's shock when she saw the black holographic screen with red writing appear in front of her.
Player Jack has invited Aqua to Party.
[Yes] [No]
"Wha..." Aqua sounded in shock.
I had a particularly smug look on my face. "You were saying."
"B-But...that's…?"
"Just press [Yes] woman." She was going to hate me for this later but I didn't care.
Aqua raised her arm and pressed [Yes] in a rather mechanical fashion.
Ding!
Aqua has now join your Party!
Message from Alucard: FRESH MEAT!
"Eep!" Aqua yelled with a start at the sudden voice.
All of a sudden I felt this overwhelming urge...it could only mean one thing.
Hey Alucard, Salem, Massachusetts called! They want their hat back!
Message from Alucard: Ugh. He's got a new target.
Message from Dante: Finally! How's it feel, ya fucking twat!?
Yeah, I have to stop you from being creepy to the new girl somehow. Also, it's coming to everyone, just wait your turn.
"So, you were telling the truth?" Aqua said in a shaky voice.
Message from Dante: No, of course not, he got that off of Cards Against Humanity.
Aqua gained a confused look. "What's Cards Against Humanity?"
Message from Dante: Never mind, we need a kick button.
"Wait, wait! Don't kick me! I'm a goddess you know! I'm supposed to be praised! I just got into the chat, how am I supposed to know all the rules!?"
Message from Dante: What rules? I didn't know there were rules. Cthulhu, what are the rules?
Message from Cthulhu:
1) Roasting of Cthulhu is not allowed
2) Skate fast eat ass
3) Smoke weed everyday
4) Cocaine all over the walls
5) THICC thighs save lives
6) Fuck you (unless you're Cthulhu)
7) ?
8) Profit
Cthulhu, I think you've forgotten about the time where I called you the origin of all tentacle hentai.
Message from Cthulhu: Oh yeah, lemme fix that!
*Zap!*
I collapsed on the wooden floor in pain due to being electrocuted by an unseen force.
Silver lining, new skill!
*Ding!*
New Skill Acquired
[Physical Endurance](Passive) LV 12, EXP [98%]. This is your body's durability, so if you're into masochism it's great for you! If you're not, then powerleveling this ability will not be a good experience. As skill EXP increases you will be able to better endure the entire Michael Bay Transformers Series...At once. Literally, like on different screens all playing at the same time. Damage taken decreases by 15%
Who writes these? The Wendy's twitter?
Message from Cthulhu: How'd you know?
I sniffed the air when I stood back up.
"Am I smoking!?" I yelled. "Don't answer that."
Message from Cthulhu: How you like me now, bitch?
"Fuck you!"
Message from Cthulhu: Rule number 6, beyotch.
*Zap!*
I collapsed onto the floor once more as electricity surged through my body.
*Ding*
Skill Level Up!
[Physical Endurance](Passive) LV 16, EXP [98%]. This is your body's durability, so if you're into masochism it's great for you! If you're not, then powerleveling this ability will not be a good experience. As skill EXP increases you will be able to better endure the entire Michael Bay Transformers Series...At once. Literally, like on different screens all playing at the same time. Damage taken decreases by 15%
WARNING!
HP IS LOW
[10/235]
Message from Cthulhu: Shit! I may have taken that a bit too far.
Message from Ragna: A BIT! Dumbass you nearly killed him!
Message from Lenka: Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! I need an adult! I need an adult! I NEED AN ADULT!
*Slap!*
Message from Lenka: Ow!
Message from Dante: Stay fucking calm! Stay fucking calm! STAY FUCKING CALM!
*Slap!*
Message from Dante: The fuck Alucard!
Message from Alucard: You both need to calm the fuck down.
Message from Geralt: You still conscious there kid?
I let out a groan of pain.
"Fuck you, Cthulhu!" I said with the floorboards muffling my voice
Message from Cthulhu: I'll let that one slide. Does anyone have a healing potion?
Message from Dante: I don't have shit dude.
Message from Cthulhu: Well your salty tears might do…
"Nah, I've moved on from him," I croaked.
Message from Cthulhu: Well sheeeeit, dog, we need to do something before Nyar and Gaia get back. I can hold my own against one of them but not both and not when they're in the mindset of defending senpai.
Message from Nyarlathotep: Hellooooo~, everyone we're back.
Message from Gaia: Hmmmm, what smells like smoke?
Message from Cthulhu: My fire mixtapes, yo! *Sweats nervously*
Message from Nyarlathotep: Yeah now that you mention- WHAT HAPPENED TO SENPAI!?
Message from Everyone except for Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, and Gaia: *Points to Cthulhu* HE DID IT!
Message from Cthulhu: You snitchy motherfuckers…
Message from from Geralt: Did you really expect us to take the wrath of those two for you? Really? Fuck you!
Message from Cthulhu: You've broken rule numb-
*Nyarlathotep slices one of his tentacles off and Gaia dropkicks him*
Message from Cthulhu: OH GOD HELP ME!
*Stab!*
Message from Eddie: I understand the irony of that sentence, but fuck off.
*Buzz!*
Message from Cthulhu: OH GOD NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES!
I twitched in pain. "In the words of Genji: I need healing."
"Jack!" I heard Aqua yell as she quickly ran to my side.
I saw a blue light as the unbearable pain in my body started to disappear.
HP fully recovered.
I grabbed my head as I picked myself up from the floor. I was really fucking dizzy.
"Thanks, Aqua." I said, honestly grateful.
*Assorted chainsaw ignition sounds*
Message from Cthulhu: Gaia, why do you have a chainsaw? Why do you have several chainsaws? W-Wait, we can talk about thi-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
"No problem, Jack, but you can also call me Goddess-sama too if you'd like." she replied with an extreme amount of smugness.
"No, Aqua will do just fine. Besides, I think we're on a first name basis after what happened last night." I stated. That and no weeaboo shit.
Aqua blushed scarlet when I mentioned last night.
Message from Nyarlathotep: Choke on my vengeance! How does it taste!
Message from Cthulhu: It's horrible!
"Guys, as much as I enjoy this, it's getting in the way of actual dialogue. Most of what you're doing is screaming," I pointed out. "So, if you would kindly be quiet for a moment, that would be great."
Message from Nyarlathotep: Sorry about that, Sweetie. I'll mute that chat for the moment.
*Ding!*
Group Chat has been muted.
"I fucking knew there was a mute function!" I exclaimed.
"Are they always like this?" Aqua asked.
I shrugged. "So far, I've only known them for about two days, so I shouldn't judge too soon."
The two of us got up and sat back on the bed.
I absentmindedly noted that she still only had the bed sheet wrapped around her to protect her modesty.
"So," I began. "About what happened last night."
Aqua started fidgeting and poking her fingers together.
I was honestly surprised that she wasn't spouting shit about how I was lucky to be with a goddess or something. She was actually embarrassed about what happened.
Which meant that this was really, really a sensitive subject if she was actually keeping her superiority complex on the down low.
"...that was my first time," she said, her voice barely a whisper.
My eyes widened in shock.
...shit.
I felt like a huge asshole. I had taken her first time and we barely knew each other.
Hell, the first time I met her, I basically kidnapped her from her home!
"A-Aqua, I am so sorry." I apologized while I scratched the top of my head, it was a habit of mine whenever I got nervous or felt like shit for doing something stupid.
"It...was nice honestly." she said.
I was taken aback a bit by this. "...what?"
No, seriously, what the fuck!?
Aqua sighed. "Jack, where I'm from, I'm something of a...laughingstock."
That does not surprise me in the least.
"Just...every turn. At every turn, I'd mess up something, or someone thought I'd mess something up. Or someone laughed in my face. Or more than one of the above at once," she said, voice starting to shake. "The other gods...they ridiculed me on a regular basis."
...oh.
"It got to the point that someone who even respected me even slightly became an outlet for my pain. Eris, my subordinate, received the brunt of my suffering. Because, for once, it helped me to feel like I wasn't the bottom of the food chain," Aqua continued. "So...someone finally, really, truly showed me some sign of affection, and I couldn't..."
She stopped for a moment to breathe in. "I couldn't say no."
I wouldn't have believed it was possible to feel like more of a dick thirty seconds ago. But here we are! I thought to myself. Also, this girl needs all of the hugs. All of the wholesome, non-sexual hugs.
I hugged the blue-haired goddess next to me, my mind in utter turmoil.
She actually snuggled into me and let out a content sigh.
With what happened last night, I broke down all of her emotional walls when it came to me being involved. She poured her heart out to me, something she would have never done for Kazuma.
She trusted me.
Okay, with that in mind, I knew just what I had to say.
"Aqua." I said.
"Hmmmm?" the goddess sounded out.
"If you want, we can either forget this whole thing ever happened..." I started.
Aqua snapped her head up, she looked me in the eyes, she seemed terrified at very notion of forgetting what happened. Tears welled up in the corners of her eyes.
She opened her mouth to say something, but I raised up my hand to stop her.
"...or we can stay together and see where this goes." I suggested.
Aqua's eyes widened as my words sunk in.
"You'd actually go that far...for me?" Aqua asked, astonished.
"Well, yeah...I just wanted to give you a choice in the matter."
You see, Kazuma and I aren't honestly that different. We're both assholes. But the difference was that he was a spiteful asshole, and I was a considerate asshole.
That doesn't make much sense, but roll with it. You know what I mean. Basically, I know where to draw the line and help people.
Aqua looked up. She gave me a pure innocent and grateful smile. "I'd like that."
We shared the joy of that moment for a while.
Suddenly, she let out a rather cute yawn.
"Want to go back to bed?" Aqua asked.
"Yeah, I could use some more sleep." I said in a drowsy tone.
I opened up my inventory and equipped my sweat pants and unequipped my suit, leaving me shirtless because the only two shirts I had were covered in sweat, blood...or both.
I laid on the bed and closed my eyes, but opened them when I felt Aqua wrapping her arms around me, laying her head on my chest.
I snorted in amusement before closing my eyes once more, finally drifting to sleep, the pained, anguished cries of Cthulhu lulling me into slumber in the land of Dante's salty virgin tears.
The Next Day.
So, after Aqua got done eating breakfast, we went straight for those dastardly toads.
On the way I bought Aqua a staff so she could better channel magic.
And I was wearing my sexy suit again!
"Okay, Aqua, remember what I told you. These toads are, to my knowledge, completely immune to blunt attacks."
She nodded. "Don't worry, they'll be no match for a goddess like me!"
"I like the enthusiasm, but remember, shank the fuckers."
In response Aqua manipulated the moisture in the air to create a blade of water on her staff, making it some sort of halberd.
I blinked in surprise. "I never knew you could do that."
"I'm a water goddess, Jack. Manipulating water is what I was born to do. You should tell me how amazing this is."
*Ding!*
Group Chat is now back on.
Both Aqua and I looked at the screen in front of us blankly (yeah, turns out, party members can see my screens. Go figure). This was gonna be good.
Message from Dante: Sorry for that wait, how you holding up there, kid?
I shrugged. "I'm doing fine, is Cthulhu still alive?"
Message from Dante: Ummmm, I think so, I mean the body's still twitching, so yeah. Anyway, Gaia and Nyarlathotep have put me in charge of training you in how to use a sword.
My eyes shot up.
I was going to be taught by Dante "Motherfucking" Sparda, on how to fight with a sword!?
I grinned in excitement. "Alright, what's first?"
Message from Dante: Well, first of all, Nyarlathotep told me to give you this to help you start out.
Gift sent by Dante Sparda: [Skill Book].
I took the skill book out of my Inventory, it was dark red in color and had a silhouette of Dante on the cover, holding Rebellion across his shoulder.
"Is that a book?" Aqua asked.
"Give me a second." I said. "Observation."
[Skill Book: Combat of The Sparda Family - This book contains the knowledge of all of the Sparda families combat prowess and how to be just as stylish as them.]
Message from Dante: Yeah, I don't really get it myself, Nyarlathotep tapped my head and then this book suddenly appeared. She told me you'd know what to do with it.
"Speaking of Nyaruko, where is she?" I asked.
Message from Dante: She said that she was going to do a double check on the seal holding the Event Horizon.
"You never can be too careful with matters like those."
Message from Dante: Amen to that.
"So, how's a book going to help you get better at using a sword?" Aqua asked.
"Ah, give me a second." I said as I tapped the book.
*Ding!*
You have obtained the skill book [Swordmaster]
Would you like to learn this skill?
[Yes] [No]
Aqua looked at the screen in front of me incredulously. "You can learn skills from books!?"
I sighed. "The Gamer ability is broken, nuff said."
I pressed yes.
WARNING!
This skill will make permanent changes to your [Gamer] system!
Are you sure you would like this skill?
[Yes] [No]
"Um, should I be concerned with this?" I thought out loud.
Message from Dante: Probably. I mean, it permanently changes the system.
I sucked some air through my teeth in agitation. The damn system didn't even tell what would be changing.
"Fuck it," I said. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."
And with that, I pressed [Yes].
The book faded into white, dust-like particles.
Please wait while the changes to the system commence.
.
.
.
Thank you for waiting, changes have finished.
*Ding!*
New Style has been acquired: [Swordmaster].
Please check the [Style] tab to view new [Styles]
My mouth was agape at the screen in front of me.
Style?
What kind of changes did that book do to the system!?
I needed answers, but how?
…
Fuck it, it could work.
"Menu?" I said hesitantly.
[Equip]
[Status]
[Inventory]
[Skills]
[Styles]
[System]
[Help (You filthy casual!)]
"I actually didn't expect to get good results out of that."
I pressed the [Help] tab.
Please vocally ask what you would like to know.
"What recent changes to the system have occurred?" I asked.
All new changes due to [Skill Book: Combat of The Sparda Family] have been done to the [Eldritch Gamer] combat system.
New changes include:
Stylish Combat/Rankings- A combo meter has been added to the top right of your vision when combat has been initiated. Combat now has an EXP multiplier, the higher your rank, the more EXP you will gain for your kill(s). Combo ranks are:
D (Dope! EXP x1)
C (Crazy! EXP x1.5)
B (Blast! EXP x2)
A (Alright! EXP x2.5)
S (Sweet! EXP x3)
SS (SShowtime! EXP x 3.5)
SSS (SSStylish! EXP x4)
Style System- Styes are a subcategory of skills, instead of having all different kinds of skill, [Styles] are different combat forms. For example, Jetstream Sam's Iaido sword style is categorized as a learnable [Style].
Aqua and I had our jaws dropped.
Message from Dante: Wow…
Message from Zelretch: HA! He actually had to use the [Filthy Casual] tab. Cthulhu, you owe me twenty dollars!
Message from Cthulhu: *Pained, angry groaning, followed by an exasperated sigh through nonexistent nostrils*
I smirked in satisfaction as I opened up the [Styles] tab.
[Swordmaster] (Passive) LV 1, EXP [0.0%]. This is your prowess with your main weapon, ripped straight from Devil May Cry. As skill level increases you will be able to have a better grasp on the sacred art of stabbing the fuck out of something or everything, depends on how you look at it. Prowess and damage with melee weapons goes up by 10%.
[Trickster] (Passive) LV 1, EXP [0.0%]. This is the measure of your capability to have jukes, that and to not fail while free running...and maybe have a double jump along the way. As the skill level increases, you will be able to better have jukes. (That means you can dodge things. It's what the hip kids say.) Ability to juke goes up by 10%.
[Gunslinger] (Passive) LV 1, EXP [0.0%]. This is the level you're on when it comes to popping a cap in someone's ass. As the skill level increases, you will become the antithesis of Church's aim in Red vs Blue. Accuracy with a gun increases 10%.
[Royalguard] (Passive) LV 1, EXP [0.0%]. This is how good you are at building a wall and making your enemies pay for it...with counterattacks! As the skill level increases, you will be better able to block things...even odor! For 16 hours! Defensive capability increases by 10%.
[Dark Slayer] (Passive) LV 1, EXP [0.0%] You grimdark reaper-ass weeaboo motherfucker. Well, as long as you're using this, I guess a description is in order. This is your mastery over the powers of darkness...also known as Vergil's fighting style from Devil May Cry. As the skill level increases, you will be better able to sit in a corner and spam Judgment Cut. Attack speed increases by 10%.
Message from Dante: Wow, you just stole years upon years of training and badassery, you know.
"Yeah, so?" I asked.
Message from Dante: Teach me that shit so I can steal Vergil's moves, that fuckass is so annoying! Even in death he's so annoying!
"Sounds like you've got a lot to work through there, Dante, old buddy old pal."
Message from Dante: Oh, I do. I have to work a sword through Vergil's esophagus, that's what.
"Dude, stop spewing shit that would give a fangirl's tunnel a flood."
Message from Dante: ...I'll give you that one. Anyway, I recommend you combo these styles frequently for the level grinding. And for MAXIMUM DAMAGE!
"How are these skills going to help you?" Aqua asked.
I smirked. "Watch this."
I began to exude mana and raised my hand.
This should work.
In a blue flash of light a sword appeared. It was made of mana, and looked like a katana.
That and the damn thing was floating in the air!
Noice! [Dark Slayer] lets me use the Summon Sword ability that Nero and Vergil have!
Does this mean I can teleport eventually!? Oh man, I'm getting cooler and edgier by the second!
Wait, how much mana does this cost?
MP: 200/210
That ain't bad at all. How much damage does it do?
I threw it at a random Giant Toad nearby.
It went through its damn eye socket.
"Wow." Aqua said.
Message from Dante: But weren't those things weak to anything sharp? I wouldn't take this at face value.
Message from Nyarlathotep: I'm back! Did he get the weeaboo NERF sword yet?
Message from Ragna: Um. We unmuted the group chat, Nyarlathotep.
"The weeaboo what sword!?" I shouted.
Message from Nyarlathotep: Oh. This is awkward.
Message from Ragna: For once, I guess Dante's right. The sword's strength is proportional to the amount of mana you invest in it.
Message from Zelretch: Don't worry, Jack, it's not the size of your sword, it's how you use it!
"Wait, so if I shove in a bunch of mana, then I can basically have Excalibur?"
Message from Zelretch: Not at that filthy casual level, scrub! Speaking of "filthy casual," pay up, Cthulhu! He opened the tab and you know it.
Message from Cthulhu: Damn it, I thought he'd forget.
Message from Zelretch: NO ONE EXPECTS THE ZELRETCH INQUISITION!
I sighed and turned to Aqua. "You want a crack at the toads?"
Aqua thrust her makeshift halberd into the air. "They'll be no match for this goddess!"
And with that she ran headfirst at a random green toad.
She let out the most unintimidating shrill battle cry I have ever heard.
Aqua slammed her blade down on the head of the toad. The damn thing was split in half due to the force of the blow.
Message from Eddie: Holy moly, girl packs a punch!
Aqua laughed arrogantly. "As expected from a goddess such as myself, and now on to the oth- WHAT!?"
I deadpanned as I saw Aqua struggle to pull her halberd out of the ground.
"I...I can't..." Aqua groaned with effort. "I can't pull out!"
Message from Dante: That's what he said!
It was at this moment that another Giant Toad decided to jump right next to Aqua.
It was also at this moment that Aqua knew: she had fucked up.
"Aieee-" Aqua's scream was cut off by the Giant Toad's large maw clamping over her body. It lifted her into the air, with her still in its mouth, and began to shake its head back and forth.
Message from Lenka: You've got to be kidding me.
"This would be the perfect time for someone to play Chaccaron Maccaron." I noted nonchalantly as I walked up to the toad, taking my long sword from my [Inventory].
I casually slashed at the toad's abdomen, spilling its entrails onto the grass, killing it.
Smirking I said. "Guess, you could call this the slice of life."
*Ding!*
Skill Level Up!
[Terrible Puns] (Passive) LV 6, EXP [75%]. This is your ability to make terrible puns. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make people groan extremely loud, but grudgingly admit your prowess at terrible puns. Horrific nature of your puns increases by 12%.
"Power leveling the absolute fuck out of it." I said.
I absentmindedly noted that there was a "Dope!" in the top right of my vision.
I pulled the now slimy Aqua out of the dead toad.
"Thank you, Jack." she sobbed in a puddle of slime. "Eeeeeeeewwww..."
Aqua stood up, her shoulders slumped. "I'm all dirty now."
Message from Geralt: I can think of several innuendos for that sentence.
Only several, I'm disappointed in you Geralt.
"If the followers of Axis see me sullied like this, I'll lose their devotion!"
Message from Lenka: What the heck is Axis?
"Her cult." I whispered.
Message from Zelretch: She has a cult?
"And they're all insane." I said.
Message from Ragna: She can still hear us right, why is she ignoring us?
I shrugged. "I think she's way too into her own speech."
Aqua started waving her arms wildly. "If it gets out that I backed down from a lowly frog, the name of the beautiful and stunning Aqua-sama will fall by the wayside!"
Message from Alucard: It's a bit too late for that.
Aqua shot off at high speeds at a nearby pink toad.
"Aqua, wait!" I shouted.
"Feel the power of the gods!" she shouted as she sprinted into a Naruto run. "Regret that you ever stood in my path and bared your fangs at the gods, and repent in the pits of Hell!"
Message from Eddie: Did she forget her halberd?
Message from Dante: Yes, yes she did.
Aqua reared her fist back as it was began to glow with golden divine energy. "God Blow!"
Message from Cthulhu: Take your bets everybody!
Message from Zelretch: Toad.
Message from Eddie: Toad.
Message from Ragna: Toad.
Message from Geralt: Toad.
Message from Alucard: Toad.
Message from Dante: Toad.
Message from Lenka: Aqua?
*Everyone looks at Lenka in disgust.*
*Crash*
"Why did I just hear a window break?" I questioned.
Message from Cthulhu: Sorry, we had to materialize one to throw Lenka through. There's only so much heresy an Eldritch abomination can suffer.
"'God Blow' is a lethal fist that carries a goddess' rage and sorrow!" Aqua yelled at the top of her lungs. "Any it strikes will perish!"
Aqua finally closed the distance between her and the toad, slamming her fist into it as hard as possible.
*Bop*
The toad wobbled a bit due to the force of the blow, but other than that it was completely unharmed.
"That was a toad-al disappointment." I deadpanned.
*Ding!*
Skill Level Up!
Skill Level Up!
Skill Level Up!
Skill Level Up!
[Terrible Puns] (Passive) LV 10, EXP [25%]. This is your ability to make terrible puns. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make people groan extremely loud, but grudgingly admit your prowess at terrible puns. Horrific nature of your puns increases by 12%.
Message from Cthulhu: That pun was a toad-al disappointment!
Aqua stood completely still, in the same pose she held when she punched the toad.
She looked up. "N-Now that I have a good look at you, I think frogs are pretty cute."
The pink toad suddenly clamped down on the blue haired goddess.
"This..." I started, staring into space while pondering existence. "This is my life now."
Message from Cthulhu: Lovecraft's Mishaps on this Second-Rate World.
I could hear the disappointment and despair in his voice.
"Cthulhu, I can't save the multiverse if I have to keep pulling Aqua out of toads," I said in mild despair.
Message from Dante: We're all going to die. And I haven't even gotten laid yet!
I sighed as I dragged my feet on my way to the pink toad.
"This is going to be my whole day, isn't it...?" I asked to no one in particular.
After the brutal massacre of about one hundred toads!
"Welp, I'm level sixteen now. Progress has never felt so completely unsatisfying. At least we made bank today, and the guild has a store of food."
I was sitting in the inn room that evening. Aqua was off bathing somewhere, bless her poor chewed-on soul. I opened my status menu.
Name: Jack Gehrman Toad Slayer
Occupation: The Eldritch Gamer
LV: 16
EXP: 67%
HP: 280/280
MP: 255/255
Strength: 37
Vitality: 24
Dexterity: 27
Intelligence: 25
Wisdom: 11
Luck: 10
Point(s): 0
Eris: 39,297,000
I hummed Billionaire by Travie McCoy.
Message from Cthulhu: You know the song is called "Billionaire." Your assets are only in the millions.
Stop breaking my dreams! I thought.
I had invested mostly into the more physical stats, but I spared some for the Intelligence stat. And I just put two into Wisdom and one into Luck. Couldn't hurt, I guessed.
Suddenly, someone barged the fuck in. I closed the status menu and whirled around to see Luna running towards me.
"Jack!" Luna screamed. "We need your help! You're the only one we can rely on!"
"What!? What's going on?" I rushed to calm her down. "It's okay, breathe!"
"It's not okay! There's toads everywhere!" she sobbed.
"Huh!? Where the fuck's everyone else!?" I bellowed, starting to panic.
"Every other adventurer is either out of town, wasted, hung over, or all of the above!" Luna desperately urged. "Jack, please!"
"All right, hang on!" I reached into my inventory and brandished my longsword. "Where is it happening?"
"Where isn't it happening!?" Luna hollered.
Suddenly, the roof busted in.
No, not Harambe! He was the ceiling!
Amidst my momentary grief, I shielded Luna from the debris that clattered down from the wrecked rafters.
I must protect the floor, if nothing else!
But as I protected Luna, I took note of one thing. There wasn't much sun for a hole in the roof...
So I looked up to see why that was, and lo and behold...
There was a toad blocking out the sun. He was a regal purple color, and was far more massive than the average already giant toads that lived outside of town. Atop his head was an especially ornate gold crown encrusted with jewels.
"Hi ho, bitch," the toad ominously intoned. "Kermit the Toad Prince here."
I rolled my eyes. "Oh, for the love of fu-"
The toad's tongue whipped out and slammed into my chest, sending me through the window and into the wall of another building. The impact shook my body and the structure I had been tossed into. I groaned, and stood.
Actually, Cthulhu's zap-happiness came in handy. Three cheers for physical endurance! Also, ow.
Kermit the Toad Prince hopped onto the building I'd just been in and leered down at me.
"Hi ho, hi ho," he chuckled as darkly and maliciously as he could make himself sound when speaking in a Kermit voice. "It's off to hell you go."
It's Tuesday, isn't it?
Chapter End
Review Response.
MysticSpider: Yes, that was a DMC Abridged reference!
Saint of vice koncor: While I do like Persona, that will not be happening in this story, going to TYPE-MOON right after this world!
All about party and crazy: Hope you like this chapter too!
Piddle: I've already got a Campione fic.
Qin W.X (Review One and Two): Glad to see you enjoy yourself over there.
Nameless93: I'm actually thinking of doing a Monster Girl Quest fic. I'm going to let that sink in there for a second.
Xanothos: I'm not the devil, but I'll try, also Yang does weep in envy!