Welcome back everyone! Did you miss me?
I know I haven't updated this since July, and made like almost 5 other fics in that timeframe. But A Blade Borne to Kill got REALLY popular in such a short amount of time and took up a lot of my focus.
...That and I have other fic ideas that I'm going to write after this gets published.
Welp here's another instalment of the drug that everyone craves!
Chapter 8: A Mildly Important Boss Fight
"Shit!" I shouted as I rolled to the right, dodging Kermit's tongue, which was about to crash into me.
Great. I've lost my longsword due to my crash course in architecture. How the fuck am I going to kill this bastard?
Observation! I activated my skill.
Crown Prince of All Toads
LV 21 Kermit
HP: 2000/2000
MP: 500/500
WARNING! BOSS MONSTER: Beware of this toady! Except he's not the toady - he's the prince. The toadies answer to him. He is the legendary heir to the toad throne, and he who defeats this most powerful of adversaries earns the right to the inheritance of Toad-
THIS DOES NOT HELP, UNLESS I WANT TO TAKE A SHOT EVERY TIME THIS DESCRIPTION READS 'TOAD!' I shouted in my head. WHAT WEAKNESSES DOES THIS DAMN TOAD HAVE!?
Same as all the other ones, wiseass.
Ok. Thanks, I guess...you Windows XP-running piece of shit, I sassed the system, right before taking Kermit's tongue to the face and sailing through the building. As I flew through the now-somewhat-ruined house, I heard the system say another thing.
Talk shit, get hit, boy.
I rolled my eyes and promptly got slammed against the back wall.
He's serious! I thought.
Message from Dante: No shit, Sherlock.
"Well, get ready, you Toadal disaster, because now I'm going to use my Special Move!" I declared.
Ding!
Skill Level Up!
[Terrible Puns] (Passive) LV 11, EXP [98%]. This is your ability to make terrible puns. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make people groan extremely loud, but grudgingly admit your prowess at terrible puns. Horrific nature of your puns increases by 12%.
Power leveling the fuck out of this!
"And what is that...Special Move...going to be, plebeian hooman?" his almighty Toad majesty leered at me through the hole in the building.
"Oh, it's literally moving. Bye, motherfucker!" I shouted, and began running towards the open plains outside of Axel, using another broken wall in the house to escape.
Message from Dante: Ha. I see what you did there.
As I ran through an alleyway, I glanced at my HP.
HP: 120/280
I am so fucked, I thought with complete certainty.
Message from Eddie: Do you have any magic besides your special effects bullshit?
YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING ME THE ENTIRE TIME! OF COURSE I DON'T!
A Giant Toad loomed ahead in my path. I used the [Dark Slayer] Style to make one of those Weeaboo Nerf Swords and threw it right into the eye of the toad.
The sound of flesh piercing flesh met my ears as I ran forwards...but the toad didn't collapse.
It's not dead. WHY ISN'T IT DEAD!?
Observation!
Royal Guard Toad
LV 15 Giant Toad
HP: 3/600
MP: 75/75
This is a Royal Guard Toad. It has just enough health to not be killed in one hit by a Weeaboo Nerf Sword thrown into its eye.
I looked at the description for a few seconds, my eye twitching in irritation.
"FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU-!"
"Hi-ho, hi-ho, oh boy, are you slow. I've caught up," Kermit added, landing right behind me with a colossal thud.
"OH god, it really is Tuesday, isn't it?" I said in disappointment.
Another toad, a chubby one that appeared the color of printer paper, hopped down from the nearest building.
"It is Wednesday, my dudes," it cheerily told us all. Then, satisfied, the toad hopped off into the distant plains of Axel.
"...I am going to hunt that bastard down if it's the last thing I do." I said in deadpan.
"The last thing you do will be dying horrifically by my toad hand," Kermit sneered. The Royal Guard toad also turned around to face me.
I have an idea.
Message from Cthulhu: Is your idea dying horrifically by his toad hand? Because really, it's a good plan. Once Aqua revives you, you can come back stronger, and-
"Weeaboo swords for everyone!" I shouted as I made many Force Swords to surround myself with. The swords shot off in the direction of the many toads.
Costing a good bit of MP.
MP: 175/255
Each sword hit a toad. One killed the Royal Guard toad I'd previously wounded, while another shot off and hit a toad on the other side of town, but the bastard survived. Another knocked a toad into the side of a weapons shop, which collapsed onto still another toad, who was promptly perforated by swords. The other two swords hit one toad each, and they also managed to survive. Two pierced the toad hands of Kermit, and with an angry shout, the toads that heard him all turned to face me.
In short, I'd pissed off most of the remaining toads, and only taken out about a fifth of Kermit's HP.
Crown Prince of All Toads
LV 21 Kermit
HP: 1600/2000
MP: 500/500
"And like the wind, I vanish!" I shouted as I hauled ass to the dead Royal Guard toad behind me. Springing into the air, I trampolined off his back and landed on a nearby roof.
I ran as fast as I could, jumping from rooftop to rooftop.
New skill has been acquired: [Parkour]
[Parkour] (Passive) LV 1, EXP [24%] Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! -Splat.
...I'll ask questions about that description later. In the meantime, I just hope the description doesn't happen to me.
Suddenly, the roof I was on shook from an impact. Turning my head for a split second yielded an angry mob of toads on the rooftops with me.
I had the perfect response for this. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Linebreak
"How do you think Jack is doing with the toads?" Aqua asked Luna as they ate lunch in the Adventure's Guild.
"He'll be fine," Luna said dismissively. "He hasn't let us down yet. He'll pull through."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Aqua and Luna heard.
"What was that?" Aqua asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Could have been the wind."
"AQUA GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT HERE NOW!" the wind shouted.
"Some wind, huh?" Luna said.
"I'll say." Aqua shrugged.
Linebreak
I dodged another tongue attack. "Of all the ways to die, why do I have to get tongued!"
Message from Ragna: Because you got too kill-happy with toads.
DAMN YOU, HINDSIGHT!
As I was running I tripped on the ledge of the building I was running on. Thinking I was about to go splat onto the streets below, I raised my arms in order to block the sight of my impending doom.
Instead I landed in something rather soft. I opened my eyes to see nothing but green. I jumped out from where I was. Turns out I landed in a cabbage cart.
"MY CABBAGES!" the owner of the cart shouted.
Oh no, it's him.
Message from Lenka: Who?
The cabbage guy from the Avatar cartoon series. Why is he here?
Message from Cthulhu: Shush. It's Cthulhu Ex Machina.
I ran until I came across the weapons shop where that one toad was killed by many swords. Sweet! What luck! I need all the sharp pointy things I can get my hands on!
As I reached for a sword, I heard someone sharply clear their throat behind me.
I stopped momentarily and turned to see the white haired loli shopkeeper. She had her arms crossed and was looking suspiciously at me.
"Can...I help you?" I asked.
"Uh, yeah, you can pay for that sword. That'll be 30,000 Eris."
"I have three dollars."
"I don't know what these 'dollars' are, but they're not Eris. Give me money or get out of here."
I waved my hand in front of her and said, "You want to help me help this town by giving me the swords for free."
"I said give me money, bucko."
"The town's about to be lost to these stupid amphibians and you're charging me money for a sword!? You're like the shopkeeper in Zelda who just can't spare a few bombs when I'm about to fight the fucking lord of evil!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I've just received word that a sword now runs for 60,000-"
"Okay, jeez, I'll take the 30k!" I threw a sack of Eris at her, grabbed the sword by the handle and left with it at top speed.
"Fucking lolis..."
I stepped outside of the shop to see of the toads gathered there.
"Oh, you waited for me! How polite," I said.
"What? Hi-ho, hi-ho, hell the fuck no, we're just afraid of the monster in that shop," Kermit explained.
"Eh? You mean that loli bitch?"
"Hi-ho, hi-ho, we used to have a king, you know."
"What? What happened to him?" I asked.
"You dumb bitch! We were just talking about a monster, what do you think happened? She smashed him with a fucking tree!"
"I thought you guys were immune to blunt damage!?"
"So did we!" Kermit bellowed.
Kermit paused and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, I just - I get really riled up when my dear old dad comes up, y'know? Look, can we just leave this place so that none of us have to deal with her and her shit?"
"So you all are afraid of the-" I turned around and saw her looking me in the eyes, smiling sweetly while sharpening a sword.
"I heard you call me a bitch, you know," She said softly.
"I'm not saying sorry." I turned to Kermit. "So, where do you want to take this?"
Linebreak
Kermit and his army of Royal Toads led me to the plains. The Royal Guard, for some reason, thought it was a good to leave me alone with Kermit so we could 1v1, as per his instructions.
"Here it began, and here it shall end." Kermit said. "Here your bloodlust flourished, and here you will die."
"The fuck did I even do!?" I shouted.
"You slaughtered many of our people! Great toads and toadettes, all!"
"Sounds like a personal problem."
"It's your problem now!" Kermit's eyes narrowed. "For here in the plains, my powers are doubled, and every last vestige of my being will be focused on killing you, all because you were too foolish to curb your bloodthirsty rampa-"
"Behind you is a giant owl!" I screamed in mock panic.
"HI-HO-NO! WHERE!?" Kermit screamed in legitimate fear, turning around.
He swiftly received a Nerf Weeaboo Sword to the back of his knee. I once again glanced at his HP.
HP: 1400/2000
"Why, you..." he growled.
"You mad bro?" I asked smugly.
"Before you dare spill one more drop of my blue blood, you ought to reconsider your life choices," Kermit said menacingly, starting to tower over me.
"I think you'll find that I'm not going to die toad-ay," I clicked and leveled finger guns at Kermit.
Ding!
[Terrible Puns] (Passive) LV 12, EXP [08%]. This is your ability to make terrible puns. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make people groan extremely loud, but grudgingly admit your prowess at terrible puns. Horrific nature of your puns increases by 12%.
"First you raise a sword to my people, and now you mock their demise," Kermit fumed. "Though you have persistence, you also have foolishness in equal measure. Behold the true power of my bloodline."
"What, do you have a Kekkei Genkai or something?"
He didn't respond to my taunt. However, I noticed something strange about his stats all of a sudden. As he started to draw himself up still higher, the air pressure began to change, but most noticeably, so did his MP.
It started to decrease.
"Wait, you actually have magic powers!?" I incredulously shouted over the rushing of the wind around Kermit.
BGM: Dragon Ball Xenoverse 2 OST - Villainous Boss Battle Theme
And suddenly, there was an explosion of golden power around him. Lightning struck, and a glow that seemed to shed little wisps of light from around him. I stood my ground, but the wind rushing off of him had grown quite intense.
And then, as he began to settle back down where he stood, I looked at his MP bar.
MP: 250/500
"Allow me to repeat myself," Kermit said in a doubled voice, his eyes flashing with power, lightning coiling around his body. "Hi-ho, hi-ho. It's off to Hell you go."
I began to guess that maybe the guards left us alone because the Toad Prince here was actually pretty dangerous to their health in this form.
Message from Cthulhu: I had no idea that little fucker had it him to something like this.
Message from Dante: I'm here for moral support. Of course, I'm also here to write your obituary, so try not to make it too short here, okay?
Message from Nyarlathotep: Now, sweetie, I know things look bad, but…
But what?
Message from Nyarlathotep: You know what, there really is no upside. I don't know where I was going with that.
With all those votes of confidence, the The Toad Prince of All Saiyans appeared in front of me and swept a webbed foot across my face. Sending me flying.
I didn't think I'd ever flown that fast before. I landed several feet away, and felt pain all over. I also knew I was actually running low on HP, and the amphibious roundhouse kick I'd just received worsened matters.
HP: 30/280
It seemed that if I took one more hit, it would be over for me. Also, fucking ow!
"Oh God, I'm going to be feeling that one in the morning."
"How precious. You imply that you'll see another sunrise," the Toad Prince sneered coldly, and began to hop slowly towards my weakened form, each landing of his body cracking the ground beneath him. "Tell me, how will you see this morning you just mentioned when your life now faces eternal dusk?"
"I'll do what every other gamer does. Break the game!" I shouted as I charged head first seemingly foolishly.
"A last stand, hm? Shame. The operative word is 'last,' after all." Kermit continued to go confidently forward towards his supposed victory.
Kermit lashed out his tongue while I charged ahead. I dodged the speeding tongue by the skin of my teeth, surprising both myself and Kermit. Once close enough I dug my heel into the ground and spun around using my momentum to slash the sword in my hands as hard as I could.
I was shocked to see that the sword, the sharp metal object that these toads were weak as all fuck to, didn't really do anything to Kermit in this form. The gash that was left on its body was the equivalent to a papercut!
"The fuck?" I yelled in confusion.
"Foolish hooman! I have ascended past physical harm from such crude weaponry. If you would even hope to scratch me, it would take either a miracle or a magic sword."
"Did you just explain your weakness to me?"
"What difference do you expect this explanation to make? There is no avenue you have left to victory," Kermit laughed, his voice booming through the plains. "I am stronger than you, faster than you, and your sword cannot hold a candle to the power of my bloodline. It is over."
"Are you Dark Souls?" I asked my eye twitching.
"My soul is pure and unstained with the crime of murder, unlike yours," Kermit coldly retorted. "My soul is only of the lightest variety."
"Bitch, I asked you if you were Dark Souls. Because nothing, and I mean nothing is stronger than Dark Souls."
I started immediately running circles around Kermit making Force Swords above him. Sure, the super-powered toad was fast, but with that kind of body, and being that big, there was only so much he could do if I was always all up in his grill. It still wasn't easy, mind you. Even this close, the bastard was too fast for my liking, but if I gave him space, and time to think, I was screwed.
As I kept running around him I constantly slashed at him with my sword. Sure it didn't do much, but it annoyed him. It made him angry, made him sloppy. He didn't even notice the growing amount of blue glowing swords above him.
Snap!
"...What?" I stared at the broken sword in my hands. "Did I just break my sword?"
"No, I broke it," Kermit said lazily. "I'd had quite enough of letting you think you were getting anywhere."
I stared blandly at the broken sword in my hand. Then promptly proceeded to throw it at Kermit.
"Your slashes are comparable to those of a small bloodsucking insect," he haughtily mocked.
"Oh, well, in that case..." I smirked. "Omae wa mou shindeiru."
"What?"
"Close enough," I shrugged.
In a flash, the storm of blades I had created while circling the Crown Prince came down like a hail of toad destruction.
Each of the ten blades I made pierced his body like a thousand-degree knife through butter. But clearly the power of his new form protected him somewhat, because even ten of them didn't bring him down completely.
HP: 400/2000
However, he was stunned from the impact. His armor seemed to fizzle out ever so slightly, somewhat unmaintained.
"Well, Kermit, it was fun." My arm glowed blue as I pushed whatever mana I had left to make another Force Sword. 75 units of MP right into this new motherfucker.
The sword took on a different appearance than the other Nerf Weeaboo Swords. Instead of being a katana it was an odachi, so you know everyone was going to say I was compensating for something.
I know that KonoSuba is an Isekai, but I've always favored...the slice of life.
Message from Cthulhu: You already used that joke.
But not in this context! Dream bigger! Like the odachi!
Message from Ragna: Hurry up and and stab him before he gets up!
I said slice, not stab.
Message from Ragna: Whichever works. Just do it already!
I smiled, satisfied with the hard-won victory, and slashed the sword through Kermit's torso. Slicing him in half.
Ding!
Level Up! Level Up! Level Up! Level Up!
"Oh...I forgot he was a boss for a second there."
Linebreak
"Hip hip...HOORAY!" the townsfolk cheered as they saw me return to the town.
"Jack!" Luna pushed through the crowd. "Why did this happen? Did you find out?"
"Uh..."
Shit, this was my fault!
Message from Everyone: Quick, scapegoat the Demon King!
"I-It was the Demon King?" I asked hesitantly to no one at all, then caught myself and began using a more appropriate shit-talking voice. "Because, obviously, who else would do it? Fuck that guy."
Everyone stared at me for a solid minute. Then some farmer girl at the back of the crowd shouted angrily.
"Works for me! Screw the Demon King!"
Soon the entire crowd was chanting "screw the Demon King." I managed to slip away in the midst of the chaos and found myself back at the Inn.
And no one was ever the wiser about my spat with the royal house of Toads.
Message from Alucard: You got really fucking lucky, you know that, right? I mean, they do still have tar and feathers.
I winced.
At least I still get the money for killing Kermit, right?
Message from Geralt: They're probably going to use said money to repair the town.
Sheeeeeeeeit. At least I still have my 39 million Eris.
Message from Zelretch: I haven't spoken a single word this chapter so far, and I'm going to use this line to inform you that the bank has been broken. Quite literally. It's busted open and thieves made off with most of its contents.
You realize that I am the bank when it comes to my own money, right? Infinite inventory for the win. Also, what do you mean 'chapter?'
Message from Zelretch: Some other you somewhere else will know what I mean.
Ding!
Zelretch has unlocked an achievement: Meta-As-Fuckboi!
Am I...writing...a Gamer fic?
Message from Zelretch: I will neither confirm nor deny this, but I will say one thing.
Which is?
Message from Zelretch: Update more, you dickweed.
And no one had dinner that night.
Chapter End
Review Responses.
Remzal Von Enili: Sorry, he dead.
xanothos: I have read your fic and it's awesome bruh!
oneoddtodd: You have invoked a challenge that will pun the heavens!
killblade373: Thanks man, it means a lot to me! Also, I'm not joking about the Monster Girl Quest fic, it WILL happen sometime soon.
MysticSpider: This is a crack story. Also I have a lot more stuff planned in the future so calm your tits bruh.
Saint of vice koncor: Well...I am going into the TYPE-MOON world after I finish with Konosuba here.
all about party and crazy: Not a lot of crazy character chats this chapter due to the fight, but I called some ambulances for you. I believe I'm 4 months late though.
lonetigar20: Thanks!
Fall Akuma: I'm actually going to make an Omake where Jack and Yang meet to have a pun-off.
SnapDragon21: Yes...let the puns consume you!
Marshman101: Have some more.
Joseph Orellana: Glad to see you like my fic. I will NEVER let it die until it is finished.
Axcel (Review1): Yeah, I know this story kind of has a rough start, but to be fair, this was my second fic ever and was about the time that I found out that comedy is what I do best. You want a real cringe fest, read The Greatest Show Unearthed on my profile. It's my first fic and it's bad.
Axcel (Review2): It's Crawling With Love, and I know. This is the REAL Outer God Nyarlathotep and Cthulhu, not the anime version. If that makes any sense at all.
Axcel(Review3): Didn't know that.
Axcel(Review4): You'll find out soon.
Axcel(Review5): Thanks, it's addicting to write it once I get started.
Axcel(Review6): The story needed some sort of plot. So, why not a funny revenge story!
Axcel(Review7): Thanks man!
Scoolio: Get some goats and paint your car red. If you don't have enough, scrap it right into a Dairy Queen.
MrJackFozzie: Thanks man, it's my goal to make people laugh with my stories!
RoswWhiteLily: I appreciate it!