Emulation of Apathy

Chapter IV

"Shadows of Recollection"

…

Tuesday night.

He scoffed at the very thought. In the end, Kabuto had gotten his way after all. The training was to begin the following day. Wednesday. Both he and Orochimaru were now in prime condition, though the latter still wore multiple bandages. At least, he had been the last time Sasuke had seen him. As it was, he had not seen the older ninja all day. Or Kabuto, for that matter. Kabuto had apparently been visiting a jailer at one of the other hideouts, and, as for the Sannin, Sasuke had simply managed to avoid him.

All in all, it had been a relatively peaceful day. The pain from his injuries had finally dissipated, he had not been bothered by a certain duo's lunacy, he was quite confident he had the entire bunker memorized by now, and he had even managed to sleep in this morning.

And now, finally, in a simple matter of hours, he would begin training under one of the most powerful ninja in history.

Currently, the young shinobi was lying awake in bed, several blankets—which he had collected earlier in the week from other rooms in the hideout—covering him to his chest, his arms spread out on either side of him as he stared up at the ceiling. On the bedside table, a single candle was lit, offering a subtle illumination to the room, and casting long shadows on the walls as it flickered.

Sasuke's dark eyes fell from the ceiling, instead focusing on the wall opposite the candle, on which was cast the most intricate shadows. Shadows that seemed to take on a life of their own. As the boy stared at them, he felt his mind begin to wander, to places he had obstinately forced from recollection. After all, it did not do to reflect on them.

But, as those shadows danced before his eyes, he could not seem to help himself…

…

"What is it? I can't tell."

"Look closer, Sasuke."

There was a slight pause, after which the child urged, "Please, tell me! I can't tell."

"Alright," the older boy laughed. "It's a rabbit. See its ears?"

"Ohh! Nii-san, you're right!"

Two children lie awake in bed, a lamp set on the bedside table behind them. They were both facing the opposite wall, and the older of the two—who was eleven years in age—held his hands up, casting elongated shadows to which he and his six-year-old brother were giving names.

"Can I try?" the younger boy asked, his black eyes wide in excitement.

"Of course," his brother smiled and lowered his hands. "You have to hold your hands up high so they can catch the light."

"Alright," Sasuke nodded his head, a look of determination now overtaking his countenance as he lifted his small hands in front of the lamp, and he smiled when their shadow hit the wall. "Nii-san, how did you make the rabbit?"

His older brother curled his hands and extended his index finger and middle finger into the air, to demonstrate the proper position. "But you have to turn it at an angle, otherwise it will look like it only has one ear."

The younger Uchiha narrowed his eyes in concentration as he attempted to emulate his brother's hands.

"There you go," Itachi nodded in approval.

Sasuke beamed, but, as he glanced up at the wall, he realized there was something wrong with his shadow. He frowned at the realization, checking his brother's hands against his, but it did not change the result.

"What is it, Sasuke?"

"My rabbit doesn't look like yours," the boy answered dejectedly.

"That's because it's your rabbit," Itachi pointed out. "Not mine."

"But I want it to look like yours," Sasuke shook his head. "How do I make it look like yours?"

His older brother offered him a gentle smile, before resting his own black eyes on the wall and lifting his hands to catch the light as well. He made his rabbit hop along the imaginary horizon until it came to a stop beside his brother's rabbit, whose short ears drooped in misery.

"If your rabbit was just like mine, it wouldn't be unique," Itachi stated, tapping his index finger against his brother's hands, and the little rabbit's ears shot up in surprise. "My rabbit would be sad because it wouldn't have someone different to talk to. Your rabbit would be a clone of mine, and they would both be lonely."

"So," the little boy titled his head to one side in thought, "because they're different, they can have more fun together?"

"Yes," his older brother nodded his head. "They're similar, you see. Look: they both have ears, they're both round. They're both still rabbits. But they're also different."

"So, they're similar, but different," Sasuke reasoned, the excited smile returning to his face. "And it's good that they're different."

"Yes," Itachi nodded again, allowing his rabbit to hop along until his hands fell out of the light. "It's good that they're different."

They both stared in silence at Sasuke's shadow rabbit, which had fallen still since the departure of Itachi's, but the young boy soon made his shadow hop out of sight as well. "Make something else, Nii-san!"

His brother adopted a pensive expression a moment, before allowing a faint smile as he lifted his hands once more. The six-year-old scrutinized this new form closely, taking care to look at it from various angles. After a moment, he clapped his hands together in excitement.

"It's a bird!"

"Correct," Itachi replied. "Can you guess what kind of bird?"

"Nii-san, that's easy," Sasuke glanced up at his brother with a knowing smile. "It's a crow."

Itachi released a slight laugh, "I suppose I made it too obvious."

"You always make it a crow," Sasuke stated matter-of-factly.

…

A child shot up to a sitting position in bed, his eyes wide as he glanced out the window to check the time of day. It was still early morning, about an hour before dawn, and a pale blue overcast shrouded the world. He threw his blanket off and scampered out of bed, before hurrying out of his room. However, as he made his way across the porch, he slowed his pace, knowing his parents did not like to be disturbed, and the boy therefore tiptoed until he was safely in the confines of the main area of the house.

After sliding the door shut behind him, the child quickened his pace, running through the house until he came to a stop in the kitchen doorway. There, he found his older brother, one elbow propped on the table and the side of his face resting in his palm, as his dark eyes stared distantly into the contents of his mug.

At first, the young boy made no motion, not wishing to disturb him. However, his brother soon noticed his presence, and his black irises came to rest on him as a small smile found its way to the corner of his mouth.

"Good morning, Sasuke."

"'Morning, Nii-san," Sasuke smiled in turn, crossing the room and taking a seat at the table across from his brother.

"You're up early," Itachi noted.

Sasuke leaned forward and folded his arms in front of him on the table, staring up at Itachi with curious eyes. He hesitated a moment, before probing the question, "Nii-san…how old were you when you developed the Sharingan?"

His older brother shook his head with a slight laugh, lifting his mug and taking a long, slow sip. After resting the cup back on the table, he replied, "I was eight. But, did you wake up early just to ask me that?"

"Well…I also wanted to spend time with you," Sasuke admitted, his dark eyes falling back to the table and his lower lip jutting out in a slight pout. "We never get to spend as much time together anymore, since you're always going on missions. I thought, if I started waking up early, I could be up with you before you leave, and then I can go back to bed afterwards."

Itachi's eyes widened a fraction, but his small smile soon returned and he nodded his head. "I think that sounds like a good idea."

Sasuke's pout transformed into a grin, and he rested his head in arms as he stared up at his older brother hopefully. "So, it's alright if I do this every morning?"

Holding up his forefinger, Itachi corrected, "Every morning until you start at the Academy. You'll need your sleep, then."

"Okay," Sasuke nodded in agreement.

The two brothers then sat in silence, the younger merely staring up at Itachi, and the older closing his eyes as he sipped at the steaming liquid.

After a time, Sasuke lifted his head and asked, "Nii-san?"

"What?" Itachi opened his eyes to focus them on his little brother.

"What are you drinking?" Sasuke pointed at the cup as he asked.

"This? Tea," Itachi answered with a slight shrug. "It helps keep me awake."

"What kind?" the little boy's eyes widened in his curiosity.

"Jasmine," Itachi replied with a subtle smile. "I don't think you'd like it, though. It's rather sweet."

"Oh," Sasuke wrinkled his nose at the thought, but his eyes fixed on the hot liquid nevertheless. "Well…is it good?"

"I think it is," his older brother said simply.

The younger boy considered it a moment, before lifting his black eyes to his older brother. "Can I try it?"

Itachi shrugged his shoulders, before passing the mug across the table to Sasuke. "Don't blame me if you don't like it," he warned him.

Sasuke reached forward and wrapped both hands around the cup, holding it firmly in the clutch of his small fingers. He gazed into the clear, emerald surface, allowing the sweet fragrance to invade his senses, as he paused in contemplation. When he realized he rather liked the scent of this drink, he mustered a look of determination and then lifted the mug to his lips. As the liquid flowed through his mouth, he raised his brow in surprise at first, before allowing a smile to cross his features.

The boy lowered the cup and looked up at his brother in excitement. "I like it!" he announced.

"You do?" Itachi arched a curious brow at this. "I'm surprised. You usually hate anything sweet."

Sasuke shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. This just tastes good. Can I have another sip?"

"Wait," Itachi held up his index finger as he rose to his feet. He crossed the kitchen to the counter, where a teapot was steeping, and he grabbed a mug from the cabinet. After a moment, he returned to the table and handed the cup of tea to his younger brother. "Be careful, it's hot."

"Thank you, Nii-san!" Sasuke smiled in gratitude as he accepted the mug, and he blew on the hot liquid before taking a careful sip.

Itachi waved it away as he returned to the seat across from Sasuke and lifted his own cup in his hand. As his little brother continued sipping at his tea, Itachi's dark eyes wandered back to the surface of the liquid, and his countenance grew distant once more.

Noticing his brother's change in demeanor, Sasuke lowered his tea and tilted his head to one side in curiosity. "Nii-san? What is it?"

Itachi glanced up from his reflection and focused on Sasuke once more. Managing a smile, he assured him, "Nothing. Just a little tired."

"Maybe you should go to sleep earlier?" Sasuke suggested, furrowing his brow in worry.

"Probably," Itachi nodded in agreement.

Sasuke frowned, glancing back down at his tea as he mumbled, "You should. Tou-san said what you do is important. You need your sleep."

Itachi's smile turned sincere. Lifting his forefinger and middle finger and extending his hand across the table, he poked his little brother on the forehead, and the crease in the boy's brow vanished. "Forgive me, Sasuke. Next time, okay?"

Sasuke's momentarily surprised expression turned doubtful, and he asked, "Promise?"

"Promise," Itachi replied.

…

It was a sunny, Spring afternoon, and a gentle breeze whistled through the air, kicking up leaves and sweeping them past. A woman sat on the back porch, a content smile in place as her skilled hands worked the needle, moving expertly through the fabric. She was humming quietly to herself. To her right, two boys were sprawled out across the porch, their eyes closed and their breathing slow. Overhead, one particular tree that grew beside the porch was losing a few pink blossoms to the wind, which swept them from the branches and to the porch.

When a petal fell upon the nose of the youngest boy—who was barely four years in age—he wrinkled his nose in discomfort and then slowly opened his eyes, to determine the source of his disturbance. Lifting his hand, he brushed the petal away and then let his eyes wander around the porch in perplexity a moment. However, recognition gradually seeped in, and a smile found its way to his features when he remembered where he was.

He looked over his shoulder and exchanged a smile with his mother, before glancing down at his older brother, who had not been stirred by the shower of petals. Rather, he continued in his slumber, his usual stressed expression now taking on a look of one at peace. Sasuke beamed, glad to see his older brother free of the constant strain, and he sat up on the porch and let his feet dangle over the edge.

As the sakura blossoms continued their shower, Sasuke lifted his hand and brushed a few out of his hair. However, as he did so, an idea came to him, and he glanced over at Itachi with a mischievous smile. Gathering a few petals in his hands, he then laid them carefully in his older brother's long hair, and he had to fight the laugh, which would surely give him away if it woke his brother.

Glancing over at Mikoto, Sasuke held a finger to his mouth, indicating she should keep silent on the matter, and his mother nodded in agreement. She looked equally as amused, and her youngest son understood what this meant: this would be their little secret.

When Itachi finally awoke, his dark eyes stared up at the tree for several moments, and he said nothing. However, when he lifted his hand to run it through his hair, cherry blossoms were caught in his fingers, and he stared at them in confusion. Unable to contain his amusement, Sasuke pointed at his older brother and laughed.

"Aren't you pretty, Nii-san?" he joked.

"He's right, you look very attractive, Itachi," Mikoto joined in Sasuke's laughter, and Itachi simply shook his head. Though, the faint smile at the corner of his mouth was a clear indication that he found the situation comical, as well.

What Sasuke did not fail to overlook, however, was the look of confusion in Itachi's eyes when he realized his little brother's hair was completely free of the petals. When the boy saw that, he knew he had managed to fool his brother, and he decided he would try it again the next time they took a nap on the porch.

…

"Why does auntie have to come over tonight?"

"She's family, Sasuke," his mother tsked him as she ran a brush through his hair. "I want you to be on your best behavior."

"But, Kaa-san…you don't like her, either," the boy grumbled in complaint.

Mikoto released a slight exhale, before shaking her head at her son. "I like your aunt perfectly fine," she corrected him. "After all, she's family. We respect and love family, no matter who they are."

"She doesn't respect me," Sasuke pointed out with a frown. "Why should I respect her?"

"Because she's your elder, and because you shouldn't lower yourself to other peoples' standards," his mother informed him. She brushed his hair in silence a moment, before exclaiming, "Goodness, Sasuke! I don't know what to do about your hair! No matter what I do, it just sticks out!"

Sasuke glanced in the mirror and smiled. "I like it. I don't ever have to do anything with it."

"I suppose there really is no point in trying," Mikoto finally gave in, setting the hairbrush down on the dresser and then inspecting her son's appearance. "Well, this will have to do," she laughed, running a hand through the boy's hair and then patting him on the back. "Run along, then."

"Okay," Sasuke nodded, before turning and scampering out of the room. He made his way to the living room, where his father, his brother, and Shisui were already waiting. From what he could tell, they had been having some sort of heated discussion, and, with his appearance, it had ended abruptly. They always seemed to do that.

Itachi smiled and waved him over.

The boy hurried to take a seat on the couch beside his older brother, before glancing over and greeting, "Hello, Shisui-san."

"Hey, Sasuke," the older boy shot him a grin. "You've gotten bigger since the last time I saw you."

"Since last week?" Itachi shook his head as he glanced over at his friend in amusement.

"He's always growing," Shisui stated, nodding his head vigorously as if to emphasize his point. "I'm just more observant than you."

Itachi smirked, "Of that, I highly doubt."

"He's right!" Sasuke insisted. "No one's more observant than Nii-san!"

"My son is a true prodigy, indeed," their father said from across the room, and they all glanced over at the man, mildly surprised that he had actually decided to join the lighthearted conversation. He was not wearing a smile, though. It was obvious he was taking this discussion very seriously.

In attempt to keep the carefree mood, however, Shisui raised his hands in defense and said, "Fine, fine. Clearly, I'm outnumbered."

"Clearly, I'm right again," Itachi pointed out, his smirk returning.

Shisui rolled his eyes, and Sasuke laughed at him for it. "You should have known better, Shisui-san," he declared. "Nii-san's always right."

"I suppose you have a point there," Shisui allowed with a light laugh. "So…," he glanced around the room, before lowering his voice so that Fugaku would be unable to hear him as he whispered, "any idea when the storm is supposed to roll through?"

Itachi heaved a sigh, and he shook his head at his friend. "Try not to cause a scene this time, alright?"

"Alright," Shisui gave in with another eye roll. "I'm just saying."

"I know, but it goes without saying," Itachi pointed out, a subtle smirk playing at the corner of his mouth.

Shisui considered this, before laughing again. "Touché."

Sasuke glanced between the two, his eyes narrowed in concentration as he tried to decipher their words, and he whispered, "Are you talking about auntie?"

At this, Shisui laughed harder, and he reached over to ruffle Sasuke's hair as he remarked, "See? Even Sasuke gets it!"

Now it was Itachi's turn to roll his eyes.

As usual, their aunt arrived late that evening. She immediately jumped into a lecture on Sasuke's hair, on Itachi's pants, on how the boys should help their mother around the house more often, on how they should choose more responsible friends than Shisui, on how Mikoto should show her children more discipline. Their aunt never seemed satisfied, no matter what state they were in, always able to find something to complain about. It was almost a talent, one at which she was quite gifted.

The one person she never seemed to shoot complaints toward was her brother, Uchiha Fugaku. Of course, she usually lectured Itachi less than the others, but she still always managed to find something displeasing about him. Then again, Fugaku would usually correct her, as far as Itachi was concerned. And tonight was no exception.

"Honestly, why have you joined ANBU when you should have joined the Police Squad?" their aunt was complaining to Itachi from across the dinner table.

"ANBU is a very elite organization," Fugaku shook his head at the woman. "We are all very proud of Itachi, my son. It is an important position, one that will aid us in the future. Besides, you are forgetting that he is only 12. There is still much time for him to join the Squad."

"I suppose that's true," his sister nodded, before focusing her eyes on her oldest nephew. "Listen to me, young man. You join the police force just as soon as you can."

Itachi only offered a slight inclination of his head in response, his dark eyes fixed on the table and the distant expression he had begun to adopt in place once more.

Shisui rolled his eyes at the whole conversation, lifting a hand in the air as he stated, "Well, frankly, Itachi's in a better position now than he would be in the Police Squad. I mean, what does that even have to offer him, other than another load of responsibility?"

"What else can be expected from a slacker like you?" Itachi's aunt rolled her eyes at Shisui.

"I don't see how choosing ANBU makes me a slacker," Shisui shot back, arching a challenging brow at the woman. "Care you to explain that logic?"

Before Fugaku's sister could say another word, however, Mikoto interrupted them all with a pleasant smile, "Let's not talk about this over dinner, alright?"

Everyone consented, and a silence fell across the table. A pair of onyx eyes wandered around in confusion, taking in everyone's guarded expressions, before focusing on the only pleasant one he could find—that of his mother. She met his eyes and offered him a smile of reassurance, and Sasuke managed a small smile in response. However, as he glanced to his right and caught the distant look in his brother's eyes, the smile vanished.

Later that evening, as the adults retreated to the living room, Itachi led his little brother across the porch to his bedroom. When he had shut the door, he then walked across the room to sit beside Sasuke in bed, and the younger Uchiha stared up at his older brother in curiosity.

"Nii-san…," he began slowly, but he hesitated.

"What is it?" Itachi asked.

Sasuke glanced down at his hands, trying to put his thoughts in order, before musing quietly, "It's like this every time auntie comes. She always argues with everyone, especially Kaa-san and Shisui-san. Why do we have to have her over, if it just makes everyone angry?"

"Well, Sasuke…," Itachi lifted his eyes as he considered the matter silently. He did not respond for a moment, but then, a small smile made its way to the corner of his mouth. "It's just how she is. Sometimes, there are people close to you who you might not agree with and who frustrate you, but that does not change that they are close to you."

"So, it's like Kaa-san said," Sasuke frowned. "We have to love her because she's family."

"That's a good way of explaining it," Itachi conceded with a nod of his head. "And that's why, even though they argue with her, everyone still spends time with her."

"But, if she wasn't family, we wouldn't have to," the child pointed out, and Itachi managed a slight laugh at this.

"No, I suppose we wouldn't," he agreed. "But, then…if everyone got along, it wouldn't be as amusing, would it?"

"Is that why you never argue with auntie?" Sasuke wondered. "Because you're able to laugh at her instead of getting angry?"

"I'm sure it helps," Itachi replied with a shrug of his shoulders. "I find it's the easiest way to deal with people like her, anyway."

"Hm…," Sasuke lied down and rested his head against his pillow as he reflected on his brother's words. "Nii-san?"

"Yes?" Itachi arched a curious brow.

"Why does Shisui-san always get into so many arguments with Tou-san and auntie?" the boy asked.

Itachi did not answer a moment. He merely rested his distant stare on the ground, and Sasuke could not help but wonder what exactly that look meant. Finally, Itachi explained, "It's just in his nature. When he doesn't agree, he argues. It's how he's always been."

"What don't they agree about?" Sasuke probed further, and Itachi glanced back up at his little brother with a smile.

"Too many things to name," he stated with a slight wave of his hand.

"Okay," Sasuke frowned, realizing he should stop asking questions, and he lifted his dark eyes to rest on the ceiling overhead. The brothers sat in silence for a while, a silence neither were inclined to interrupt. It was finally broken, however, when the younger of the two released a yawn, and Itachi's smile returned.

"Go to sleep, Sasuke," he instructed.

"How come everyone else gets to stay up, and I have to go to sleep?" Sasuke asked. Yet, even as he said it, his eyelids were beginning to droop, and he yawned once more. "It's not fair."

"When you're older, you can stay up as late you like," his brother assured him.

"Why do I always have to wait until I'm older?" Sasuke mumbled, turning over in bed and nestling comfortably against his pillow. "I wish I was older, now."

Itachi stared down at him silently a moment, before telling his little brother, "Don't try to grow up too fast."

"I want to be as old as you, Nii-san," Sasuke nodded his head decisively, his eyes falling closed. "That way, we'll be the same age. Will we be the same age in 5 years?"

"No," Itachi shook his head with a gentle smile. "5 years from now, I'll be 5 years older, too."

"So…will I never be as old as you are?" Sasuke asked through another yawn.

"No," Itachi replied. "But that's how big brothers are. They're supposed to be older."

"Okay," the young Uchiha mumbled into his pillow. "As long as that's how it's supposed to be."

"Goodnight, Sasuke."

"Goodnight, Nii-san."

…

A pair of black eyes stared up at the ceiling, which was now completely indiscernible since the candle on the bedside table had burnt out. His brow was creased, and his right hand was clenched in a fist. The voices of his memories had faded, leaving in their absence nothing more than a lingering feeling. A painful longing. A sharp stab in his chest.

Sasuke turned over in the bed, much like he had in his most recent recollection and buried his face in his pillow. He pressed his eyes shut tightly and attempted to force all of these thoughts to the back of his mind. Yet, even as he did this, he felt a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, and he slammed his fist against the bed in attempt to block it out. To will it back. But he felt that all-too-familiar stinging at the corners of his eyes, and he angrily pressed them tighter.

This was why it did not do to reflect on these memories.

It made him weak. It made him the very wretched creature his brother wanted him to be. This was the unsightly manner in which Uchiha Itachi wanted him to live. This was why he had spared his life—to make him suffer. It was the very same as it had been that fateful night, when his older brother had captured him in the Mangekyou Sharingan and forced him to witness the death of every clansman. The deaths of his parents. Even miles away, and safely hidden where his brother could not reach him, Itachi continued to torment him.

He gritted his teeth and slammed his fist against the bed once more, refusing to let that stinging get the best of him. His entire body tensed as he fought that natural urge. Finally, when he was finally certain that it had subsided, he relaxed his stance and lifted his hand to grip the corner of his pillow. He lie awake in silence, surrounded by a darkness that seemed unending, alone with his memories. In spite of the sensation that had faded from his eyes, the pain in his chest only seemed to intensify, and he clenched his hand tighter once more.

"Damnit," Sasuke muttered into his pillow.

He was still weak. He still needed more power. He could never face Itachi like this, he needed to become stronger.

"Damnit…Nii-san."