Now I know this isn't what most of you were hoping for, you can all blame Blazing Heart frigid soul for getting this idea stuck in my head. That and I must inform you that I won't be updating The Eldritch Gamer for a good while longer because of all the new stories I've made.
No, I'm not apologizing, because I'm a troll and asshole. As well as ready to bring the pun apocalypse.
If you're wondering when The Eldritch Gamer will be updated again, then it will be most likely after I have actually gotten to the Tsukihime arc of my most popular fanfiction A Blade Borne to Kill.
Also, I made another new fic called Bards are Lame? Hold My Beer Fam, which should satisfy most of your needs for Shit Post.
Either way, I hope you enjoy this omake, it's an alternate take on the fight with Kermit, but it's not canon to the actual story.
Happy reading, you degenerates!
Omake: A Missed Opportunity
The Crown Prince of Toads, Kermit, was stunned as I unleashed a volley of ten Force Swords. The energy blades weren't enough to kill him because his new power-up protected him somewhat.
HP: 400/2000
His aura seemed to fizzle out ever so slightly, somewhat unmaintained.
"Well, Kermit, it was fun." my arm glowed blue as I pushed whatever mana I had left to make another Force Sword. 75 units of MP right into this new motherfucker.
The sword wasn't like the previous Nerf Weeaboo Swords, it was a comically huge fucking drill.
"Behold, Kermit, the drill that pierces the heavens," I smirked and began muttering under my breath. "It also makes goddesses sing."
At the Adventurer's Guild
Both Aqua and Luna had massive red blushes on their faces as the event of their night of passion with Jack came to the forefront of their minds.
"Luna?" Aqua asked.
"Yes, Aqua?" Luna asked back.
"So, about that night we slept with Jack..." Aqua began.
"Yes, I'm down for another threesome!" Luna all but shouted, shocking Aqua and making everyone who heard her spit-take. "You have no idea how much pent-up stress you two helped me work out that night. So many taxes I have to levy and keep track of on Va-"
Aqua just looked at her with wide eyes. "I was just going to ask if you had more of that wine that got Jack drunk in the first place."
Luna raised an eyebrow. "Why?"
"Jack told me that the wine amplifies the experience gain of skills when under its influence."Aqua gave a lecherous grin she remembered how broken The Gamer was. "If got that good his first time, just think how much better he'll be this time."
Luna's eyes widened and a lecherous smirk matching Aqua's made its way onto her face. The two began talking to each other about rather...lewd things, mostly about their night with Jack and what they were going to do to him after they got more of the Hellish Wine.
The things they discussed made the women near them turn beet red and made men turn pale as a ghost. They prayed for that poor adventurer's soul.
Back to yours truly
Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to be involved in some rather kinky shit soon?
I shook my head, fuck it, now's not the time!
I dashed forward while thrusting my massive drill.
"STINGER!" I shouted.
In the Mindfuck Eldritch Council of Doom.
Dante stared at the screen coldly with an expression that was a mix of contempt and outrage.
"NANI THE FUCK!?" the demon hunter shouted in rage.
Everyone else started laughing at his expense.
Back with ya boi!
I stabbed my drill through Kermit, completely running him through.
"Of all the things you could have said before killing me, why did you have to make a dick joke?" Kermit said with infinite disappointment and loathing in his dying voice.
"This is my rising revengeance, Kermit," I said venomously.
"What did I do to you?"
My hair showed my eyes. "You broke the ceiling,"
"W-What?"
"THE CEILING WAS HARAMBE!" I shouted.
With strength that didn't match my stats, I lifted my massive drill with Kermit still on it and threw the Crown Prince of Toads up into the sky.
I threw my drill at the still very much alive Kermit like a javelin, piercing him once again.
I took my sunglasses out of my inventory as I walked away.
"I guess I'm not the only one who's experienced," I gave a shit-eating grin as I snapped my fingers and the drill pierced through Kermit exploded, blowing him up into tiny pieces.
I put on my sunglasses. "The BANG,"
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!
Ding!
Level Up! Level Up! Level Up! Level Up!
Ding!
Skill Level Up!
[Terrible Puns] (Passive) LV 15, EXP [99%]. This is your ability to make terrible puns. As the skill EXP increases, you will be able to make people groan extremely loud, but grudgingly admit your prowess at terrible puns. Horrific nature of your puns increases by 12%.
Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!Skill Level Up!
"Um..." I just stared as [Terrible Puns] just kept leveling up without stopping. "Was it really that bad?"
Five minutes later...
[Terrible Puns] has reached a level beyond one that reality can safely allow for without awakening the Blind Idiot God, Azathoth. That is because you now contend with him for the part of the title involving the words "Idiot God." That's record time, you fucking failure!
I stared at the black screen with a twitching eye.
"You're fucking with me right now," I was proven wrong as all of reality began shaking.
Message from Nyarlathotep: You bet your ass I will!
Suddenly, a portal unleashing countless tentacles appeared, the tentacles grabbed my limbs pulling me towards a nearly crazed looking Nyarlathotep.
"OH SHI-"
POP!
Outside of the now nonexistent multiverse.
"Huh!?" Azathoth yelled as he shot up awake.
He shook the blasphemous form that could be defined as a head and stared out into the cosmos.
"I had the weirdest dream that fuckbois were playing games inside of me."
He brought a smartphone out of nowhere and called a certain number.
"Yo, Zelretch, you still up for D&D with Great Red today?"
[Boi, you know it!] shouted the interdimensional troll.
Omake End.
...WHAT A TWIST!
Ending Theme: DMX - Where The Hood At?
Review Responses.
Marshman101: Thanks, always read Prince Kermit's dialogue with Muppet Kermit's voice!
TerrorofDeathHaseo666: Dear God, man, chill before you bring about the end of the world...WITH PUNS!...Welp, I've got some idea for the next omake.
Remzal Von Enili: Kermit's power up was in fact influenced due to me playing a lot of Xenoverse 2 at the time.
Guest: Dude, the MGQ Self-Insert will happen one day but have no fear, I've figured out ways around Ilias's bullshit.
Saberfang Ocalodon: Blaze? #420YOLOBLAZINGSWAG!
TheFelRoseOfTerror:...I am answering the reviews though.
Blazing heart frigid soul: Your review inspired this Omake, have fun with that. Yes, this story's conclusion WILL end in the Fate/Stay Night world, but I will do spin-offs involving me going to other worlds, The Legend of Heroes Trails of Cold Steel being one of them, mostly because I discovered the game through its AMAZING final boss theme. Also, #420WeaponShopLoliSwag!
Hitler's Moustache(Review1): With Stalin!
Hitler's Moustache(Review2): I upset I didn't add Velvet Crowe in the Mindfuck Eldritch Council of Doom.
Hitler's Moustache(Review3): Nyarlathotep is an OUTER GOD, yes, there's a difference. Also, this is technically my second fic, so the early chapter won't be up to par with what I can do now ever since I started in 2016.
thundercharger123: I ACCEPT YOUR CONGRATS WITH GRACE!
Guest:...PRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZ THE WALLZ!
Shashenka: No prob, sorry this couldn't be a real chapter for you guys.
RoyalTwinFangs: My shitposting is at it's best with this fic.
Beewax2: Thanks for the love mate!
vmage2: Ah, yes, the Sexual Intercoure skill description, my favorite skill description out all of them! Yeah, sorry about that, it was a typo that I never noticed until you pointed out, the word there was supposed to be decency, hopefully, that clears things up.
ponyheart07: Sounds dope, but sorry to say that it isn't happening.
xanothos: You're damn right! My kek is EX Ranked!
T-B-R: The loli girl is an OC that I randomly made for this chapter, she'll appear again from time to time.
Guest: It is realistic if you think about it. Let me explain, so what if you're a god now, is that going to pay for your food and shelter? Do you have any worshipers even though you've only just gained this power? What would you even do with the power in the first place? Nope, it doesn't and comes with nothing other than the power given to you. Even then if you wanted to take over the world, no world powers would agree to any of your terms, and forcing them might cause All world war in which you may end up causing armageddon with the powers you barely know how to use.
all about party and crazy: Yes, I broke the fourth wall of my own Self-Insert!
crystalicgamer: Finally, I have met more of my own kind!
Guest: TeamFourStar for the win motherfucka!
Guest: Okay, now you see, this is one of the BIGGEST issues I have with most Gamer fics. The motherfucking Charisma stat! All it really boils down to in EVERY SINGLE GAMER FIC I'VE READ IS TO FEED THE HAREM! Seriously, it's just a stat to say how much better at getting bitches you are than fucking Kirito. It doesn't even add to the story, unlike its purpose in the Fate/Stay Night world, which in there it's used to LEAD people and even entire countries, not getting laid. I don't even know why people include it in there Gamer fics when it was never a thing in the original Gamer comic. Rant over, the reason why Cathulu's in charge will be revealed later. The twenty dollars thing was a Selderman meme back when Slender The Eight Pages was really popular.
Not importent:...Doing it anyway!