Chapter Nine: Full Party!

Aqua and I were at the Adventurer's Guild having lunch...because breakfast is for squares. Conversation was at a relative low, given that most had left the town, it being in shambles and all. Luna was reading letters of condolences and excuse notes, reacting rather poorly to them.

"What do you mean you're being paid to stand on a road in the middle of nowhere!? Is that all you're doing!? We needed you here! I hope it's worth knowing that you can't accidentally break what's already broken, you useless son of a-"

Needless to say, I did a few jobs for free to keep the town running, and the inn Aqua and I were staying at was destroyed. I liked that inn, dammit! Now to two of us were living with Luna, I was the one paying rent.

"Aqua, we need to talk," I said with a tone of finality, turning my attention to the goddess.

It had been two days since the phan-toad menace struck.

...

...

…

Why isn't [Terrible Puns] leveling up?

Ding!

ಠ╭╮ಠ

Boi, pick some new material, it's been two damn years!

Wow, this chapter is off to a wonderful start.

Well, to sum up everything that happened...

I donated half my money to the bank, which 'dem bandits' stole from.

Got drunk...again.

Then I poured all of the new skill points I got from killing Kermit, who will not be missed, into my [Wisdom] stat. And with my newfound wisdom, I realized: that was my shittiest idea yet.

"What is it?" Aqua asked as she looked at the cup of apple juice in her hands with contempt.

I absolutely refused to give her any alcohol whatsoever. A sober Aqua was useless. A drunk Aqua was a detriment.

"We need new members in our group," I said.

She tilted her head in confusion. "So, foursome?"

"No!" I shouted on instinct. "Well...actually, let's not take that off the table. But I mean our adventuring group."

"What? We don't need anyone else."

I gripped Aqua's shoulders and stared into her eyes.

"Aqua. Simply put, we suck."

"How so?"

"You have a 4x weakness to Frog-types, you sat on your ass while I nearly got killed by something I kind of started… and it looks like Thanos showed up because half the town is gone. Finally, the universe got destroyed in our first Omake! The TL;DR therefore is, Aqua..."

Her head slumped. "We suck."

Ding!

Aqua's [Wisdom] has increased by 3.

Message from Zelretch: I just looked through 14,000,605 universes. This is the only one in which I saw her [Wisdom] score increase.

Is that a reference?

Message from Zelretch: It could be seen as one. But it's merely the sad truth.

Luna came over and sat at our table.

"I hate him so much right now. Things get destroyed whether he's here or not, but now I can only indirectly blame him."

"Don't worry," I patted her on the back. "I paid for all the damages...and the bank."

"And thank you very much for that," She said and kissed me on the cheek. "So, what's got you two so serious?"

"We need more members to our group," I explained.

Luna tilted her head. "So, foursome?"

"Why do people keep assuming that!?"

"Well, recently, people have made you out to be a lot less creepy version of Mitsurugi Kyouya."

The expression I had could only be described as Excalibur Face. I may be staring a harem… unwittingly mind you, but I'm not Kirito status yet.

"Ugh, not him again."

"But I only mentioned him the one time."

I sighed. "I know, I...know him from my hometown. He was kind of an asshole there too."

"You have my condolences."

"So, anyway can we put up a poster for people to join our adventuring group?"

"Yeah, sure, go for it."

The Next Day!

"Wow," I said as I looked at the poster on the wall. "I am never letting you do arts and crafts ever again, much less advertising, Aqua."

Message from Eddie: That handwriting is horrible, the eyes of English teachers across the globe would bleed if they saw this crap.

Message from Ragna: Agreed.

"Aqua," I said as we sat across from each other. "No one is coming."

"I know," she said blandly as we sat on a bench at the Guild.

Well, I really fucked up the timeline, didn't I?

Half the town is destroyed, a good seventh of the population is moved out, and there's toad slime and corpses everywhere!

Yeah, I don't really see Megumin and Darkness coming here at all-

"I saw the notice to recruit top-tier adventurers. Is that you guys?"

Her eyes with red pupils looked sleepy.

Her smooth black hair reached her shoulders.

For us, she was a girl in a classical witch attire, with a black cloak, dark boots, pointy hat and a staff.

Her features were delicate like a porcelain doll. Fuck it, I'll cut the description short, she was a goddamn witch-loli!

The small frail girl who looked about 12-13 had an eye patch covering one eye. She flung her cloak hard and said: "I am Megumin! An arch wizard with the strongest attack spell, explosion…!"

Above her head was.

Possibly Related to Michael Bay

LV 49 Megumin

...God fucking dammit! How is this girl level 49 when I'm only level 16!? She can be more useless than Aqua sometimes! How did she even get this much XP without dying!? Every time she blows something up she collapses, so there has got to be some way that she can use her magic without starving to death in the middle of nowhere… unless… she somehow got Yunyun to carry her?

Fuck it, that's my new headcanon!

Message from Cthulhu: You seemed almost hopeful that you weren't going to meet her.

I was...I really, really was. Why does life hate me so?

Message from Dante: Megumin is a precious flower and you will treat her as such!

Dante… I'm calling the police. Next time I turn around, duck, I don't want to smack you with my dick!

Message from Dante: Oh no, I'm so scared of you and your two inches!

Message from Ragna: Welp, at least I'm not the one being accused of being a pedophile this time.

Message from Zelretch: My half demon dude, we watched the Sixteen Hour Sextacle Spectacle Spectacular everyone knows he's not two inches.

Message from Dante: Stop breaking my dreams of humiliating him!

"Hey! Don't go running off without me!" shouted a feminine and slightly more mature voice.

I sighed in relief at the sound of that voice. Finally, someone fucking useful!

She had a black shirt on that exposed her admittedly impressive bust size. She also had a pink tie with a pink and white skirt, her eyes were the same crimson as Megumin. Her hair was long and brown, giving a slightly more mature look than her "rival,".

I put the word rival in quotes because the loli that loves to blow her load everywhere without thinking of the consequences has nothing on a the jailbaiter that has one friend that makes her cry on a regular basis. I just feel so bad for her, y'know?

Above her head was.

Possibly Jailbait, And A Loner.

LV 55 Yunyun

Honestly, Yunyun showing up so early was worrying, I really did fuck up the timeline badly. If Darkness doesn't show up, we're kind of screwed, because the whole party dynamic I need will be all fucked up.

Aqua took a closer look at them. "Those red eyes… are you two of the Crimson Demon race?"

"Aqua!" I whispered-screamed. "You can't just ask people if they're Crimson Demons!"

"But we are Crimson Demons…" Megumin said blandly. "Anyway! I am an elite mage from the Crimson Demon race, Megumin! My magic is powerful enough to split the mountains…! That's how it is, do you need an excellent mage?...by the way, I have a favor to ask. I haven't ate in three days, could you give me something to eat before the interview…"

"Megumin, you can't just ask people for food out the blue!" Yunyun yelled, her stomach growled. "...Even if we haven't eaten in days."

"Too late, I already asked." her stomach growled loudly.

I looked at her with a dead serious face.

"No. You must first wait hours for the party parrot to calm down, then the interview will be four more hours of questions that have absolutely nothing to do with the actual job, after which you must tuck the party parrot into bed, kiss him goodnight, then I will consider giving you the job."

"Wh-wh-wh-whaaaat!?" the two of them stuttered.

"And you'd better do it well because all of the other adventurers who applied through did it like he was their son."

Aqua looked horrified at me; she was speechless and knew how the job acquiring process went in the modern world.

Maintaining a straight face through that bit was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The look on their faces was more than worth it.

I bust out laughing. "I'm just fucking with you!"

I tossed Megumin the menu for the Guild restaurant.

"What do two you want?"

One good brunch later.

"Well," I began as I put my mug of orange juice down. "Now that we're all full, let's properly introduce ourselves."

"I'll go first!" Yunyun yelled. "I am a level 50 Arch Wizard, and a master of advanced magic! She who will one day lead the Crimson Demons! And I can-"

"I, on the other hand, am an Arch-Wizard that can instantly kill a normal dragon with my supremely powerful explosion magic," Megumin interrupted, "I'm Megumin, by the way."

Yunyun let out a strangled sound as she looked at Megumin in shock.

"Don't interrupt me, that's really rude!"

I deadpanned looking at Megumin. "Really?"

"Can you one shot this one castle I know?"

"Of course!"

"In one day…"

"Yes…"

"With no repercussions?"

"Y-yes…"

"Good because it's run by an insanely powerful dullahan who is a leader in the Devil King's army."

"SHECAN'TUSEEXPLOSIONMAGICWITHOUTCOLLAPSING!" Yunyun shouted and then instantly gasped and covered her mouth.

Megumin nervously laughed as Aqua and I looked at Megumin with unimpressed expression.

Message from Nyarlathotep: Wow, talk about blowing your load prematurely.

"Alright, now that we've ripped off that bandaid," I said as I took a sip of my orange juice. "Why should we consider you for our adventuring group?"

Instead of answering my question, Megumin gave Yunyun a scalding glare.

"You snitch!"

Yunyun crossed her arms and huffed, turning her head away from Megumin.

"That's what you get for interrupting me."

I coughed into my hand. "Back on topic girls."

The two quickly regained their composure.

Yunyun was the first to go. "I know many types of advanced magic and I'm proficient in all elements!"

Impressive, with how bullshit the Eldritch Gamer was, and my Adventure's Card, I could learn all of her magic. That and she would round out the party greatly. Seriously, if that massacre of frogs she did in season two was anything to go by, she OP as fuck at this point.

"Be blown away by the power of a true Arch Wizard!" Megumin exclaimed dramatically while doing an equally dramatic pose. "My explosion magic is the strongest offensive magic there is!"

Megumin, while almost as useless as Aqua at times, was one hell of a powerhouse all things considered. I could use her as our ace in the hole or last resort, though her explosion magic is very inconsistent, and sometimes really fucking ineffective. Seriously, she bombed the fuck out of that castle Beldia the Dullahan was staying at and it didn't even look like it did a damn thing!

Though since Yunyun basically already has the job, we can get ourselves some higher level quest and power level the fuck out of ourselves. Which means Megumin can get Quick Cast and power up her Explosion magic to the point where it's fully reliable.

"Alright, the two of you are in," I announced.

"Really!?" the two exclaimed with smiles on their faces.

"Yes," I nodded. "But we need one more member before we start. After that, we can try out a few low-level quest in order to see how we all work as a team and adjust any problems."

Megumin nodded. "That makes sense."

"Good, now, we'll all meet here at noon every day, if something comes up and can't make it, please tell everyone beforehand," I said.

Yunyun nodded. "Got it."

The brown haired girl leaned in and took a closer look at me.

"Hey, no offense, but would you also happen to be a Crimson Demon?"

I raised an eyebrow at that. Yeah, I guess I would fit that description. The red eyes, black hair, not to mention I wear some rather… odd outfits compared to other adventures or common townsfolk. Long story short, I looked like an edgelord.

Hell, I was still wearing my suit and fedora.

Message from Ragna: You look like an edgy version of Hazuma, that doesn't earn any points with me.

Megumin's head snapped to Yunyun.

"What do you mean, no offense!?"

I rolled my eyes at Megumin's outburst and took another sip of my juice.

"I think I might be distantly related, but my parents named my Jack Gehrman. Don't think that's a Crimson Demon name." I said. "Well, anyway, we'll all go out on some quest when we have our last member. Until then, I'll see you guys later."

I got up and walked out of the guild, heading to the weapons shop, you know, the one owned by that odd loli. Yeah, that was the only weapons shop in town after the whole toad incident. I was heading there because I needed to get Darkness something that would benefit the party as a whole.

I hadn't taken a second step past the doormat when the loli, without looking, dropped a harsh reality on me.

"You're in debt."

I stopped.

"Say what?"

The loli sighed through her nose. "You're in debt. I can't use words smaller than one syllable to make it any simpler, unfortunately for you."

"...Okay…why am I in debt?"

"You wrecked my fine establishment, and for that, you must pay."

"How much are we talking here?"

"Two weeks," the loli answered, casually looking at the back of her hand.

I didn't like that my debt was measured in units of time.

"I can't help but notice that my debt didn't have a dollar value in front of it."

"Whatever a 'dollar' is, that's because you owe me effort, not currency. I'll see you start work in the morning tomorrow."

"You know that I can just leave you the money and there's nothing you can do about it, right?"

"Gee, it would be a damn shame if you did that and someone cute and powerful like me decided to tell the whole town that the Demon King they're all supposedly screwing was innocent this time, and they should be screwing you."

My jaw dropped in shock. "I-you-that-I-I-I, ugh! You win!"

Ding!

New title gained.

Eternal Bitch of The Loli

Message from Dante: Whipped.

Shut the fuck up Devil Boy.

"Report here tomorrow. Now begone."

"Wait, do you have a shield with spikes on it?"

"Of course."

"How much?"

"How much do you have?"

"Couple hundred thousand."

"That will do."

Later that evening.

I sat alone at the Adventurer's Guild waiting...while eating McDonald's fries. Well, not Mcdonald's, but they sure as fuck tasted like it. Hmm, not enough ketchup.

"I happened to see your recruitment poster."

A voice came from behind me.

I turned around and came face to face with the third most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Number one would be Nyaruko.

Message from Nyarlathotep: Damn straight. You know that flattery isn't going to help you walk again after I've had my way with you, right?

Can't blame a man for trying.

Blond hair tied up in a ponytail, gorgeous blue eyes, she was about my height. She was wearing solid metal armor all over her body which mostly hid her figure.

Over her head was.

Masochistic Knight

LV 53 Darkness

"Are you still recruiting party members?" she asked.

I sighed. "Yeah."

"I see. Thank goodness." her gaze turned serious. "I have anxiously awaited the arrival of someone such as yourself."

I looked at her blankly. "What do you mean 'someone like me'?"

"You see, your reputation throughout Axel is kind of split," she began. "But once I heard that you willingly let your party member be eaten by toads hundreds of times in a singles day, I ran here as fast as I could!"

She started breathing heavily, the color red slightly dusting her cheeks.

"Please let me j-j-join your party!"

I took out the spiked shield that I bought from my Inventory. "Would you be willing to ditch the sword and just use this shield to throw yourself at whatever threat comes our way with almost suicidal determination?"

Her breathing got even heavier.

"It would be my pleasure to do so."

"I'm sure it would."

And with that, I left the Adventurer's Guild. I now had a party that might be able to take down the Devil King after a lot of training.

...We're all going to die, aren't we?

Message from Cthulhu: I have no doubt.

Chapter End.

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