Emulation of Apathy
Chapter X
"Illusions of Perfection"
…
He pressed his eyes shut tightly and drew a steady intake of the cold air surrounding him, inhaling the fresh scent of pine. There was a certain feeling of cleanliness that always seemed to follow the gentle snowfall, as if the world was suddenly at a standstill and enveloped in a pure white blanket, one that blotted out all misfortune. All wickedness, all corruption. The stains were wiped completely clean, and only a pure slate remained.
But there was something funny about snow. The longer you stared at it, the more and more you began to realize that, hidden within that glistening landscape, there were flaws. A rock would stand out here, a frozen branch there, and dirt patches throughout. Even scrutinizing the individual drops of snow, you could plainly see that they were not perfectly round, as they appeared from a distance, but, rather, they were some indescribable shape, one without a name. No single snowflake was the same, each inherently flawed in its own way.
"They're similar, but different. And it's good that they're different."
Was it really a good thing that they were different? If it was, why, then, did a snowcapped hill look so much more beautiful from far away? Why did that tree look more striking in its glittering splendor than it would if he was standing beneath it? Why did that patch of dirt amidst the seemingly incorruptible snow instill such a loathsome feeling of discontent? Why was the illusion of perfection so much more enchanting than reality?
He released the breath he had taken and slowly let his onyx eyes reopen, watching as the cold air picked up his breath until it vanished into the unseen vapor surrounding it. He stared in silence at the invisible air a moment, trying to let the stillness take hold of him, but he heaved a sigh and turned his head to face the opposite direction.
Four months.
Four months, he had been with Orochimaru, now. Four months since he had left Konoha. Four months, he had suffered the presence of the Legendary Sannin and his idiot medic-nin. Four months since his battle with Naruto. And four months since he had begun his training.
Alright, not quite four months. There was that delay due to his and Orochimaru's injuries. So, perhaps it was closer to three and a half months, if he wanted to get technical.
Oh, lord. He was starting to sound like Kabuto!
'No, wait,' the Uchiha corrected himself, a slight smirk forming at the corner of his mouth. 'Kabuto would have forgotten.'
They had currently taken residence at a far north hideout, one tucked securely away in the mountains, and perhaps the first he had seen that did not have an overt entrance. He was grateful they had come to this particular hideout. Not for the entrance aspect, of course, though that was a nice perk, but for the weather. In all the hideouts, it was cold indoors, near freezing, in fact, and it was kept that way because of the warmer weather outdoors. And, for this same reason, minimal blankets were provided in each room, which was really getting annoying.
At this hideout, however, because it was so much colder outside, the interior was kept warm, and every bed was stacked with thick blankets. Not only that, but Kabuto had ventured outdoors a few days previously and spent the winter afternoon collecting ingredients from the mountain's generous selection of plants, only to fall ill the following morning. He had been bedridden ever since, with only himself to help care for him, seeing as he was, after all, the medic.
The shinobi outwardly chuckled as he recalled the frail expression that had taken the place of Kabuto's usual condescension. Ahh, it was so refreshing.
And, ever since that wonderful morning, there had not been a single interruption in his training. The chakra control of the seal was going much more smoothly than the physical control had, and this was due, in large part, to the lack of disturbances from a certain man in round glasses. It also had to deal with the fact that he had become more aware of the seal's pull, more attuned to when it would start to creep over him. Plus, there was a certain conditioning that came with going through the steps the first time, since the technique was similar, but simply called upon chakra instead of physical endurance. In other words, they built upon one another.
Needless to say, training was progressing well, Kabuto was ill, Orochimaru was busy with experiments today, and it had started snowing again. He had stepped outside and readily welcomed an opportunity to clear his head. Winter had always been his season of preference, and, with what it had done to a certain moron, he felt a newfound fondness for it.
Why was it, then, that when he had come out here to get away, to clear his head, to try to grasp at least a small measure of peace, surrounded in all directions by his favorite season, all he could do was find flaws?
Uchiha Sasuke came to a stop in his slow walk and took a seat on a fallen log, which was half-buried in the snow, his dark eyes fixed on the stream in front of him. The water was rushing swiftly, though quietly, amidst the frozen patches of ice, and the young Uchiha trailed after it with his eyes until it vanished in the distance, down the side of the mountain. He shivered, pulling the shirt tighter around him, and he found himself feeling strangely grateful for Kabuto's final design, that it had actually included sleeves. Unlike many of the others. Still far from perfect, though.
'But then…isn't everything?'
Sasuke scowled, narrowing his black eyes into a glare as he let his stare drop to the snow beneath his feet.
Why was it never real? Why did everything that seemed so perfect always turn out to be a lie? A clever deception, or a trick of the eye? Was it so difficult, so impossible for anything to be truly perfect?
He let his hand fall, tracing a pattern in the snow, the imperfect white, underneath which was far too much dirt for there ever to be flawlessness. He clenched his hand into a fist, lingering only a moment, before lifting it from the ground and then slowly opening his palm to stare down at the powder in his hand. However, it was already melting. The slightest human contact only furthered the rapidity with which the corruption settled in, and he released another heavy sigh. His breath was visible in front of him for only a moment, before fading into the surrounding air.
Sasuke extended his hand in front of him, before tossing the snow in the air and watching as it flew through the sky, only to fall back to the glittering ground below…
…
He smiled, rushing forward to stand beneath the branch as it showered snow upon the white earth, and he watched as the powder fell, to join the glittering snow beneath his feet. He then kicked his boot against the ground and rushed forward to catch the wave of snow that flew up at the impact.
"Alright, I won't be long!"
Sasuke's dark eyes snapped away from the ground instantly at the sound of that familiar voice, and he glanced over to see his brother walking out the front door. His mother was standing in the doorway, a grateful smile in place, as she pulled her oldest son into a hug.
"Thank you, Itachi," Mikoto told him. "I really appreciate this."
"It's no trouble, Kaa-san," Itachi offered her a warm smile, before turning and making his way to the road.
"Nii-san!" Sasuke called, hurrying after him, and Itachi turned his head abruptly, clearly only having just noticed his little brother. As the boy came to a stop beside him, he stared up at Itachi with curious black eyes. "Where are you going?"
"To the market," Itachi replied with a simple nod of his head. "I wanted to give Kaa-san a chance to rest."
"Ohh," his little brother nodded in understanding. A sheepish smile formed as his eyes fell to the ground, and he asked, "Can I come with you?"
"I don't see why not," the older Uchiha replied, and Sasuke's eyes immediately brightened, and he returned them to meet his brother's gaze. "You're already dressed warmly, after all."
"That's right," Sasuke smiled in excitement, as he slipped his hand into his brother's. "I don't want to get sick again."
"No, indeed," Itachi replied as he began to lead the way down the road. "No one wants that."
The boy remained silent a moment, his dark eyes glancing back and forth between houses, taking in certain details, before he returned his stare to his older brother in curiosity. "Nii-san?"
"Yes?" the older boy awarded him a questioning look.
"When we get back, can we build a snowman?" Sasuke asked.
Itachi smiled, before offering a nod of his head in consensus.
The young Uchiha returned the smile, pointing at a neighbor's house and insisting, "And it needs to be bigger than theirs!"
"Oh?" Itachi arched a curious brow at this. "Why is that?"
"Because, Nii-san," Sasuke grinned up at his brother. "Ours is going to be the best!"
"Ah," the older boy laughed softly at this. "Well, since the two of us are the ones making it, I'm sure it will be."
"Because you're the best at everything," Sasuke nodded his head.
"Well," Itachi shrugged his shoulders, "there's also a certain amount of determination that is required for achieving the best at anything. If you don't set goals for yourself, if you don't have aspirations, you'll never achieve anything. However," he held up his index finger, "if you do have the proper determination, it is likely you will achieve the goals you set, as long as you are willing to work hard for them."
Sasuke listened to his brother silently, his onyx eyes fixed on the ground as he pondered over this, before a small smile returned to his countenance. "I'm going to work hard at everything, then," he stated with a firm nod of his head.
"And, it's because of that," Itachi lowered his hand to instead pat his brother on the head, "that we will have the best snowman."
"Okay, Nii-san," Sasuke's smile turned eager, and he quickened a little in his steps. The pair continued in silence, as they exited the Uchiha gate and onto the main road that led to the center of Konoha. As they walked, however, a thought occurred to the younger Uchiha, and he glanced back up at his older brother.
"Nii-san?"
"Yes, Sasuke?" Itachi lowered his eyes to meet his brother's once more.
"What does Kaa-san need from the market?" the child inquired.
"Oh, just some groceries," Itachi gave a slight shrug of his shoulders.
"Ohh," Sasuke nodded his head in understanding, but he furrowed his brow. "Why is Kaa-san so tired?"
"Well, she's not tired, but I thought she would like an afternoon to herself," Itachi replied. "A chance to relax, and not have to worry about anything."
"Oh!" Sasuke's eyes brightened. "That was really nice, Nii-san! Maybe we should do this more! That way, Kaa-san won't ever have to worry!"
"I suppose we could, when neither of us are busy," Itachi agreed, smiling down at his brother in approval. His smile widening a fraction, he leaned down so that he was eye-level with Sasuke and whispered, "It wasn't on Kaa-san's list, but I don't think she would mind if we restocked on tea."
"Are we running out?" Sasuke looked befuddled.
"We are," Itachi nodded once. "What do you think? Should we buy more?"
"Okay!" Sasuke smiled back up at Itachi.
It was not long before the pair found themselves in the center of town, and Itachi led his brother through the market, expertly weaving his way through the crowd and stopping only at the necessary stalls. When they were finished, everything fit into one bag, which the older Uchiha carried in one hand, and he held his brother's small hand in the other.
Sasuke, who was smiling happily as he glanced around him, brought his stare to his older brother once more. "Nii-san?"
"Yes?" Itachi asked.
"What's your favorite season?"
"My favorite season?" Itachi's dark eyes wandered to the sky as he considered the question carefully. "I suppose I would have to say autumn. The vibrant colors of the trees, the subtle chill in the air, the types of scents that always emerge…they have always been the most pleasant, to me."
"Hm…yeah, I guess autumn's nice, too," Sasuke gave a slight shrug of his shoulders. "But I think winter is better!"
Itachi released a gentle laugh at this. "I could have guessed. Because of the snow, right?"
"Well, the snow, too," Sasuke replied, "and I like it because there aren't as many people outside, so it's like you get the whole world to yourself! And everything looks completely different than it does in the other seasons—all the trees and the roads, and people's houses. I think it's prettier when it's white. And it's always quieter in the winter, and there's Christmas, and we light the fireplace sometimes, and…." The child paused, his stare falling to the ground and he furrowed his brow.
"…And?" Itachi asked, tilting his head to one side in curiosity.
Lifting his large black eyes once more, Sasuke gave his brother a pointed look. "And you don't go on as many missions in the winter."
Itachi's brow rose a fraction, but his expression immediately softened, and he allowed a slight nod of his head. "You're right," he told the child. "I don't. I like that about winter, too."
Sasuke's eyes grew wide. "Really?"
"Aa," Itachi replied.
Sasuke grinned, before turning to face forward again and quickening his pace. He released his brother's hand and ran a few feet ahead of him, calling back, "Come on, Nii-san! If we hurry, we can have that tea sooner!"
"Alright, but not too fast, Sasuke," Itachi warned him.
"I won't," the young Uchiha assured his brother as he took to the road in a steady sprint.
However, when he stepped down on his right foot, in his eagerness he managed to overlook the patch of the road that had frozen over. When he rushed forward, he slipped and fell to the ground, a sharp pain shooting through his right ankle. The child winced, lowering his hand to grasp his foot, and his older brother was at his side in seconds.
"Are you alright, Sasuke?" Itachi asked, his brow creased in worry, as he knelt down beside the boy.
"Um…," Sasuke stared down at his ankle, his large black eyes conveying obvious hurt, but he brought his hand to his mouth to suppress the sniffle. "I…I'm okay."
Itachi inspected his ankle with his eyes, before reaching forward and tentatively touching the side of it with his hand. When Sasuke winced, the older boy released a heavy sigh and offered a hand to his brother. "Let's see if you can stand," he told him, and Sasuke nodded his head obediently.
However, when the child put weight on his right foot, he released a moan, and he immediately lifted it off the ground to instead hop on his left foot.
"It hurts, doesn't it?" Itachi asked, a frown clearly visible. "What did I say about not running too fast?"
"But, it wasn't very fast," Sasuke insisted, hobbling on his left foot a moment longer, before falling back to a sitting position on the road. His eyes were fixed on the ground in shame. "I didn't mean to, Nii-san."
"I know," Itachi tapped his brother on the forehead to grab his attention, and he offered him a reassuring smile. "It's alright. We'll put some ice on it, and then you can sit in Tou-san's chair by the fireplace and drink your tea."
"But…Tou-san doesn't like it when other people sit in that chair," Sasuke remarked in confusion.
"Well, Tou-san won't be home until tonight," Itachi pointed out with a distant smirk. "As long as you aren't sitting in it when he gets home, you don't have to worry."
"Okay, then," the Uchiha nodded his head, a sheepish smile forming. However, it immediately vanished as concern filled his eyes. "Should we not tell Kaa-san? That way, she won't have to worry?"
"No, it's alright, there's no need to hide it," his older brother shook his head. "Besides, she'll probably wonder why I'm piggybacking you home."
"You're going to give me a piggyback ride?" Sasuke's eyes brightened in excitement.
"As long as you don't mind carrying the grocery bag," Itachi joked.
"I don't mind," the child shook his head vigorously, and his brother proceeded to hand the bag to him. He then helped Sasuke climb onto his back, before rising to his feet and turning in the direction of their house.
…
Fugaku wanted the house to himself that day. At the very least, that was what their mother had told them. In all honesty, she was probably just giving them a forewarning, because their father was always very irritable when he was sick, and it was best to avoid him. Itachi had therefore taken his little brother with him to spend the day at Shisui's house. Of course, they did not spend very much time inside the house itself. They rarely did when they visited him, and especially not in the winter.
The older boy was currently jumping down from a low-hanging branch of the tree in his backyard, and he landed with a smug expression.
"The old man sick?" he asked.
"It's unconfirmed, but that's my guess," Itachi replied with a distant smirk.
"Well, then," Shisui ran toward them to pull the two into a group hug, "I suppose the task falls on me to play the host!"
Itachi simply rolled his eyes at his friend, as his little brother squirmed in the older boy's tight grip.
"Shisui-san, let go!" Sasuke insisted.
Shisui's smile turned into a grin, and he released Itachi to wrap his arms even tighter around the child and lift him off the ground. "Never!"
"Put me down!" Sasuke tried to break out of the boy's hold, but to no avail.
"Resistance is futile!" Shisui laughed as he twirled Sasuke in his arms. He stopped short, however, when he felt a sudden force against his back, and he turned immediately to see it was a snowball. Focusing his gaze on the Uchiha prodigy, he found Itachi smiling innocently at him.
"Itachi, you traitor!" he exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger at him.
Sasuke laughed, awarding Shisui a triumphant grin. "Nii-san's going to save me," he informed him matter-of-factly. "You're in trouble, now, Shisui-san."
"Is that so?" Shisui's smile turned mischievous. "You know what this means, don't you? War!"
He locked his arm around Sasuke and leapt to a large pile of snow on the ground, from which he grabbed a fistful of snow and tossed it at Itachi. However, it never even made contact, instead falling in a spray of powder in Shisui's face, and he coughed at the sudden attack.
"I daresay you'd have better luck if you put Sasuke down," Itachi remarked, chuckling at his friend's foolishness.
"Never!" Shisui reaffirmed, tightening his hold on the boy and running across the yard to take shelter behind the tree, but not before receiving another pelt of snow to the back of his head. This caused him to lose balance, and he tripped in an unceremonious heap on the ground.
Immediately seizing the opportunity, Sasuke broke from his hold and scampered away, to hide behind his brother.
"No fair!" Shisui lifted his head with a pout, as he once again pointed an accusing finger at Itachi. "Never attack a guy when his back is turned!"
"Never use my little brother as a hostage," Itachi returned, putting on a conceited smirk.
Before Shisui had a chance to respond, another snowball flew through the air and hit him directly in the face, and his eye's widened in a start.
Itachi blinked twice, before glancing back down at his brother. "Wow, Sasuke," he remarked. "Perfect aim."
"You little runt!" Shisui jumped to his feet, a snowball in either hand, and he tossed them at the siblings, but Itachi scooped his brother up and leapt out of the path of Shisui's attack.
"Too slow," Itachi taunted, and Sasuke giggled at the flustered boy.
"It's not fair!" Shisui threw his hands in the air dramatically. "You're teaming up against me!"
"It's your fault!" Sasuke pointed at the older boy. "You shouldn't have tried to capture me!"
"Besides, whether you had another member on your team or not, it wouldn't change how bad your aim is," Itachi pointed out, and he and Sasuke laughed at Shisui's astonished gasp.
"I'll show you!" the older boy exclaimed, reaching down to make another snowball, but Itachi threw one that hit him squarely in the hand.
"Wow, Nii-san!" Sasuke's dark eyes widened in fascination. "Your aim's so much better than Shisui-san's!"
"No, it's not!" Shisui insisted, tossing a snowball at the pair of them, but it passed over their heads without either even bothering to duck.
Itachi shook his head in amusement. "Surely, you're doing it on purpose, now."
The game continued all afternoon. It was not until the sun was descending below the line of trees and Shisui slipped in the snow for what seemed like the fiftieth time that a surrender was finally requested.
Sasuke formed a perfect snowball in his small hands, before glancing up at his older brother as he shook his head vigorously. "We don't accept prisoners, do we, Nii-san?"
"He's right, Shisui," Itachi awarded the older boy an apologetic look. "We don't."
Sasuke grinned, before tossing the snowball in Shisui's shocked face, and he fell onto his back with a melodramatic cry of agony.
"Noo! And I had so much I wanted to do!" the theatrical boy exclaimed, reaching his hand in the air with half-closed eyes. "So many regrets! I…I'm dead!"
With that, his eyes shut and his head fell. For an added effect, Shisui stuck his tongue out.
Sasuke laughed at the display, before hurrying over to his brother's side and tugging his hand. "We won, Nii-san!" the boy's smile was victorious. "Quick! Let's go inside and drink all his tea before reinforcements show up!"
"What?!" Shisui's head shot up immediately.
"The spoils of war," Itachi smiled in turn, pulling his brother by the hand and hurrying into the older boy's house. As Shisui rushed after them, the prodigy slammed the door in his friend's face, and the siblings ran into the kitchen through fits of laughter.
…
Sasuke pressed his eyes shut, as a dark scowl overtook his countenance.
It always seemed so perfect. No matter what he and his brother were doing, no matter the situation or the age, it was always perfect. He had always been convinced that Itachi was the perfect teacher when it came time to train, the perfect teammate when they paired up against Shisui, the perfect Uchiha, the perfect epitome of their clan, the perfect son, and, without fail, the perfect older brother.
"See? You are the perfect Uchiha!"
"Nii-san, you really are the best kind of teacher!"
"You're perfect at everything, Nii-san!"
"Perfect," Sasuke scoffed bitterly, slamming his fist against the snow beneath him. "Far from it. It was all a damn lie, and I fell for it."
He let his eyes open and he rested them upon the wintry landscape once more, as he attempted to suppress these stupid feelings. These useless, naïve memories. He inhaled a breath of the cold air, keeping his breathing slow so as to allow the calm to seep through him. He focused his mind on more pleasant matters, on the events at hand, and he smirked at the thought of the bedridden Kabuto.
However, when his mind fell upon that particular image, another flooded his vision…
…
"What do you expect when you spend all day outside without even wearing a jacket?"
His father was standing over the bed, his arms crossed in front of him, and his mouth turned in a frown. He gave a disappointed shake of his head, before turning his back and making to leave the room. However, as he did so, he was caught in the doorway when his wife entered, and Mikoto grabbed her husband by the hand and pulled him back to his youngest son's side.
"Sasuke," Mikoto smiled down at him, though her brow was creased in worry, and she leaned over to press the back of her hand against his forehead. "Are you feeling any better?"
The child bit his lower lip, afraid to answer truthfully when his father was still in the room. He therefore proceeded to give a slight shrug of his shoulders in response.
"You can't tell?" Fugaku asked, the frown becoming more prominent, and he pressed his eyes shut. "If you truly wish to become a ninja like your brother one day, understanding the degrees of health of your own body is child's play. Itachi, my son, knows and understands fully how well he is at any given moment."
"Yes, sweetie, but sometimes children want to act tough in front of their elders," Mikoto remarked with a slight laugh. "I daresay you do it from time to time."
"Humph," Fugaku turned his head away. "There is a difference between relaying strength for the sake of others, and being uncertain of your own state of being."
Mikoto took a seat on the edge of her son's bed, and she pulled his blanket up to his chin. "Sasuke," she brushed a strand of damp hair out of his eyes. "You don't have to act strong for us. Is it feeling any better?"
Sasuke hesitated a moment, his eyes fixed on his mother's hands, before shaking his head in response.
"As expected," his father mused, dissatisfaction seeping through his tone. "You spend all day playing in the snow, rather than focusing on your training, and you become negligent. Perhaps this will teach you to remember a coat next time, like your brother."
With that, the man turned and exited the room, leaving the child alone with his mother.
"Kaa-san," Sasuke mumbled weakly.
"Hm?" Mikoto smiled sweetly as she ran a hand through his unruly hair.
The young Uchiha was interrupted by a cough, which he covered with his hand. After the fit subsided, he leaned his head back against his pillow and asked, "Why is Tou-san mad at me?"
"He's not mad at you," his mother shook her head in disagreement. "He's upset that you're not feeling well, and he's just not sure how to express himself. He's worried. It's just his way of looking out for you."
"Is it?" the child's weak voice did not convey his doubt. Rather, he proceeded to close his eyes and nestle his head against the pillow, too tired to verbally question his mother's reasoning.
"Yes, it is," Mikoto asserted, smiling warmly, and she leaned over to press her lips against her son's cheek. "Get some rest, Sasuke. Be sure to call me if you need anything."
"Okay, Kaa-san," the boy mumbled.
"I'll see you in the morning," she told him. She rose to her feet and crossed the bedroom, and her son was asleep before she even closed the door.
A pair of onyx eyes flew open. The boy was shivering from head to toe, and his sheets were covered in sweat. He focused his blurred vision on the window, and he saw it was the dead of night. How long had it been since his mother was standing at his side, kissing him goodnight? How long since his father had turned his back on the scene?
Sasuke moaned, lifting his small hand to his forehead, but it provided little solace to the burning surface. His hand was almost the same temperature. At least, it seemed that way. He dropped his hand and buried his head in his pillow, hoping the added pressure would offer some form of alleviation.
He could not call for his mother. It was too late. If it was too quiet, she would not hear him, and if it was loud enough, it would wake both her and his father. And he did not want to wake either of them. His mother would be worried, and his father would be upset, and they both needed their rest.
The young Uchiha pulled his blanket closer around him, trying to block the chill, but it only made his head pound harder. He released a muffled cry in his pillow.
'Why does it have to hurt?' he thought miserably. 'Why can't it just stop? I want it to go away…how come it can't just go away? Why do people have to get sick? I wish it would stop…I'll stay in bed, I won't go in the snow, I'll eat soup like Kaa-san said, so why won't it stop hurting?'
He could feel a stinging sensation welling up in his eyes, and he sniffled back the tears. As he did this, however, they were caught in his throat, and he fell into a coughing fit. His throat was already sore from an earlier fit, but it only grew worse if he tried to suppress the coughs, and the child lifted his hand to cradle his neck.
"Sasuke."
The boy lifted his head from the pillow a fraction, turning until he caught sight of the figure standing at his bedside. Bringing his hand to cover his mouth, Sasuke managed through a cough, "Nii-san."
Itachi took a seat on the bed and he reached a hand out to feel his brother's forehead. "You're burning up," he remarked, and, in the faint light the moon cast through Sasuke's window, he caught sight of the worry across his older brother's face.
Sasuke waited a moment, to be sure the cough had subsided, before speaking, his voice raspy. "Nii-san…did you just get back from a mission?" as he asked, he pointed at the older boy's forehead protector.
"Aa," Itachi nodded his head. "How long have you been sick?"
"This morning," Sasuke answered hoarsely.
Itachi stared down at him silently a moment, before asking, "Why didn't you get Kaa-san?"
"I didn't want to wake her up," his little brother mumbled, wincing at his pounding head and pressing hands against it once more. He could feel his eyes tearing up again, and he pressed them shut tight. "It hurts, Nii-san," he sniffled.
Itachi wrapped his arms around his brother and lifted the boy to a sitting position in his lap, his head resting on Itachi's shoulder. "It's alright, Sasuke," he told him in a quiet voice, rubbing a hand against his back soothingly. "It will pass. I know it is not much of a comfort, but all you can do is bear with it until it does."
They sat in silence a moment, Sasuke tightening his hold around his brother, until the coughing began again. The young Uchiha pulled away, covering his mouth with his hands and crawling back to his pillow.
"I'll be back in a just a moment, Sasuke," Itachi told him, and Sasuke nodded his head in response. "Are you hungry?"
"No," the child managed between coughs.
"Alright," Itachi replied, before rising to his feet and pulling the blanket over his brother once more. He then turned and left the room, closing the door behind him.
When the cough had finally settled, Sasuke lifted his head again and propped his pillow up against the headrest. He then wrapped his blanket around his shoulders and draped it in front of him so that it still covered his entire body, before leaning his back against the pillow.
It took a few minutes, but when Itachi returned, he was dressed in his pajamas and carrying a glass of water. He was also holding something else, something Sasuke could not make out, until his brother was sitting next to him once more. He handed the water to him first.
"Here," he told him. "This should help with that cough."
Sasuke nodded his head, accepting the glass from his brother and taking a slow sip. The cold liquid was a bit of a shock, running down his sore throat, but it was oddly soothing. He took another sip, before pausing to wince as he pressed his hand against his forehead once more.
"Ah, for that," Itachi held out his hand to reveal a damp washcloth, "I brought this." He gently pressed the cloth against his brother's forehead, and Sasuke released a quiet sigh of relief. Itachi kept his hand in place, and he again lifted his brother in his lap. Sasuke curled up against Itachi and rested his head upon his shoulder, holding the glass of water close to his chest.
"Nii-san," Sasuke mumbled.
"Yes?" Itachi arched a curious brow.
"Why am I shivering, even though my head's hot?" the child asked.
"Well, that is because of the illness," his brother informed him. "It's all a part of the healing process. To counteract the fever, the rest of your body is trying to cool it down, hence the chill which causes the shivering. As for the fever, your body is sending the combatant cells to the area of infection, and, because of the fighting, your head flares up in a fever. Because…," here, Itachi lifted his hand from the washcloth and extended his index and middle finger, and he then gently pressed them against his brother's forehead, "this is where the battle is taking place."
A small smile formed at the sensation, and Sasuke pressed his eyes shut. "So…it hurts, because my body is trying to heal me?"
"Precisely," Itachi nodded his head in agreement. "Unfortunately, the remedial process hurts, but it is a necessity."
Sasuke released a quiet laugh, but it morphed into a cough, and he quickly lifted his glass of water and took a slow sip from it.
"Are you alright?" Itachi asked.
The boy nodded his head in response, lowering the glass to his chest once more. Leaning his head back against his brother, he mumbled weakly, "It's kind of funny that it doesn't hurt until you start getting better."
"Aa," Itachi managed a small smile, resituating his hand on the washcloth and then tightening his hold on Sasuke. After a moment, he took the glass of water from his brother to instead set it on the bedside table, and Sasuke assumed it was to prevent him from spilling it if he fell asleep.
A silence fell between them once more, a silence filled with the howl of the wind outside, as snow was swept through the air and against the window pane. Itachi's eyes wandered to the frost covered window and he watched the heavy snow fall. A fair amount of time passed between the two siblings, a timespan in which anyone would assume the young Uchiha had fallen asleep. However, he proved any assumptions wrong when he whispered the same word that always seemed to break the silence.
"Nii-san…"
The smile returned to the corner of Itachi's mouth as he lowered his eyes to his little brother. "Yes?"
Letting his heavy eyelids fall closed, Sasuke nestled his head against his brother and his small hand clutched at the front of his shirt. "I love you, Nii-san."
He never saw his brother's reaction. He only barely managed to discern the words he gave in response as he drifted out of consciousness.
"I love you, too, Sasuke."
…
"Bastard!"
Sasuke's fist slammed against the log, which was much less stable than he had initially predicted, and it actually snapped under the force of his blow, causing the boy to lose his balance. However, he managed to catch himself on his knees before he could fall on his face, and he shook his head at his own clumsiness.
"Idiot," he scolded himself in a bitter undertone, and he forced himself to his feet. He walked away from that stupid log, from that damn spot and instead walked along the side of the half-frozen stream.
What was the matter with him? He really needed to stop thinking so much, stop thinking over all of those memories. It only strengthened that bastard's hold over him, and he needed to break from that. He had been poisoning his mind his entire life, displaying a loving façade for the sake of attaining his own damnable goals, of testing his own damn capabilities.
Perhaps Itachi was more like Orochimaru and Kabuto than he had once assumed. Perhaps he had a sadistic streak, and he enjoyed watching the pain of others, he got a sick thrill out of it. Perhaps he enjoyed messing with people as much as those idiots did, doing anything he wanted for his own warped amusement.
"Bastard," Sasuke muttered. "You sick, twisted bastard. I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you for everything you did! For that smug look on your damn face when you killed Tou-san and Kaa-san-"
He was not paying attention. His foot wandered, catching ice, and before he could even register what was happening, he lost all balance and fell into the stream with a loud crash. The stream was rushing faster than he had realized, and it swept him several yards before he managed to catch hold of a stray branch. He tightened his grip and pulled himself upright, making sure to steady his footing.
He was about to pull himself up when his foot slipped underwater and his head submerged…
…
It was cold. It was cold, and he did not like it. It felt like daggers piercing at him from every direction. He flailed his arms, but they seemed to be useless. No matter how hard he slammed them against the water or how high he stretched them over his head, they never reached the surface. He did not even know which direction was the surface.
The surface was the one with the light…right?
But this direction had light, and so did that one. Which one was the surface? What if he reached toward the wrong one? It would be harder to make it back to the right one. But he could not stay where he was. It was cold, and his arms were already tired. They were numb. He could barely move them.
He needed to breathe. He could feel the pressure building up on his diaphragm, and he needed to breathe. But he could not breathe here. If he breathed in the water, something would go wrong. He would start choking, and he would breathe more, and then choke again. But he needed to breathe. He needed to reach the surface, because he needed to breathe.
But it was so cold, and he was so numb, and he did not know where to go, which direction was up. Or had he fallen sideways? Did that mean he was supposed to be swimming sideways?
His eyes were stinging, but he could not close them. If he closed them, he could not tell which direction the light was coming from. And he needed to swim toward the light, because that was the surface. Wait…or was that just a reflection of the surface? Perhaps that was why the light was streaming from two different directions. But then, which one was real? How could he tell, if they both looked the same?
His arms were still. He told them to move, but they were not listening. He told his mouth to stay shut, but it wanted to open. It wanted air.
'Am I…am I going to die? I don't want to die. I don't want to die! Help…someone…'
He felt a strong weight on his wrist, and it was pulling him under. It was pulling him further from the light. Or was that the reflection? But, the light was over there, too. The light was not in the direction he was being pulled. There was only darkness there, and he did not want to fall there. Anywhere but there.
But he was too numb to even resist.
"Sasuke!"
The boy's eyes flew open. When had he closed them? He drew a heavy intake of breath, and the exhale came in a cough. He was coughing on something. Was it water? When had he breathed in water?
A strong force fell against his back, and he coughed harder, all remaining water flying out with it, and he fell back wearily. Through his blurred vision, he began to distinguish the area surrounding him. He was still at the lake, which had frozen over. Snow was falling overhead, and he was shivering horribly. He was freezing.
Someone was holding him. He was warm. And familiar. Something was familiar about him.
"Sasuke…"
That voice…of course! That was why he seemed so familiar. The child focused his eyes on the figure, and he realized the older boy's head was bent over, his face hidden behind his hair.
"Nii-san?" Sasuke breathed.
At the sound of his little brother's voice, Itachi's head snapped up instantly, his dark eyes wide in astonishment. And relief. He pulled the boy into a tight hug, and Sasuke smiled. Itachi was much warmer than he was, and it felt better than the cold air that had been surrounding him. Yet…why was he so cold? And wet? He had been in the water, right?
"Nii-san," Sasuke mumbled. "What happened?"
Itachi was silent a moment, but when he spoke, his voice was composed as always, though with a certain underlying desperation that was only barely detectable. "The ice cracked, and you fell," he replied. "I pulled you out, though. You're alright. You're alright, don't worry."
"Oh…," Sasuke blinked twice, piecing the information together. The weight that had been pulling on his wrist, that had been his brother. He had not been pulling him under, but toward the surface. "Nii-san…did you save me?"
"Yes, Sasuke. You're alright," his brother repeated.
…
It was the same lake, but it was a different day. A different season altogether. His brother had been teaching him how to swim, and this was his first time swimming at the lake. It scared him. Itachi was holding his hand, but it scared him. He thought something touched his foot, and he panicked. He jumped on his brother's back, and Itachi had barely managed to save both of them that time.
Itachi questioned him about it, wanting to know what had happened to arouse such a panic.
"I got scared because I…," Sasuke trailed off, feeling ashamed to even utter these words. He should not be as afraid as he was, but it was the truth. "I don't want to die, Nii-san."
His brother's expression softened. He turned and gently guided the boy back toward the safety of the shore. "I won't let that happen, Sasuke," Itachi stated firmly. "I promise."
"Nii-san…"
"Hmm?"
Sasuke looked up at his older brother, his onyx eyes filled with trust. There was no one in the world he trusted more than Itachi, and he knew Itachi would never break his promise. And there was one more thing he wanted his brother to promise, something that he decided was just as important as the first promise.
"I don't want you to die, either."
Itachi smiled, "Don't worry, Sasuke. I'll always be here to protect you."
…
Sasuke gasped for breath, holding his hand against his chest as he heaved intakes of the cold air. He was lying on his side in the snow, the stream to his back, and his clothes dripping wet. These damn memories, and that damn stream, and his stupid foot, and that sick bastard, and that stupid ice.
He felt a certain constriction in his chest, one he knew was not due to any physical ailment, and his countenance fell into a scowl.
"You bastard," the Uchiha muttered under his breath.
Like this snow-covered hill, the beautiful snowflakes, the gentle stream, which all seemed to so perfect, Itachi had always seemed so perfect. There was never a single flaw. He was as glistening and incorruptible as this scene before Sasuke's eyes. But then, little by little, the longer you stare at something perfect, the harder and harder the blow when you realize how imperfect it is. When you see those distinct flaws, those cracks in the surface. When you realize everything you believed in was nothing more than a clever lie.
He had lived his entire life in a world his brother had convinced him was true. He had a loving older brother who would protect him from everything, who would never leave his side, who would always appear at the perfect moment to help him, whether it was holding him when he was sick, carrying him home when he sprained his ankle, or pulling him out of the ice.
But that world was a lie. It was a false reality his brother had constructed, all for his own sick amusement. The reality was much harsher. Sasuke lived in a world where his parents, his aunt, his uncle, his entire clan had been murdered. He had no family. No family except the man who had killed everyone he ever cared about. And his brother, his caring, protective older brother, was nothing more than a heartless bastard who was responsible for every hardship he had ever faced. And now, he lived each day in a state of insanity, with two sadistic lunatics—one, who spent every waking hour annoying the living hell out of him, and other, who seemed to rise to every occasion to remind him of his misfortunes and of the bastard who had caused them.
Yes, that was his reality. And there was nothing perfect about it. These memories he had, which seemed so vivid, were nothing more than illusions his brother had cast. Living illusions of a man who had never actually existed.
"You bastard!" Sasuke screamed, pounding his fist against the ground. "How could you play with me like that?! I'm your little brother! How could you do that to me?! How could you do that to our parents?! How could you do that to everyone?! You made everyone care about you, and you convinced everyone that you cared about us!"
The Uchiha turned his head, burying his face in the snow and wrapping his arms around his torso in attempt to control the shivering. This was reality. After falling in that freezing water, there was no one to hold him. If he got sick, there was no one to care for him. No one but some idiot medic, and he would be much better off taking care of himself. There was no one.
Because Uchiha Itachi was not his brother. Not the brother he had known, not the brother who had convinced him to care about him.
Why did it all have to be a lie? Why could that enchanting illusion never become reality? Why could it never look the same when you got close? Why did there have to be these stains in the white surface?
Why could it not be perfect?