The next day had passed surprisingly fast and Ikuya had practically forgotten about his plans to quit the swim club. That was until Makoto burst into their classroom after school, enthusiastically saying;
"Everyone, let's go to the club!"
He appeared to not be able to stand still which was a drastic change from the usually calm and collected Makoto that they were all used to
"Makoto...?" Haru asked, confusion clear in his voice as Asahi added;
"What is it? It's unusual for you to come over here,"
"Ah well..." Makoto mumbled, sheepishly rubbing his neck
"Well whatever. Hey Ikuya, let's go to the club," Asahi brushed off Makoto's weird behaviour, turning to Ikuya who was sat hunched over slightly in a defensive sort of position.
"...I'm not going..." Ikuya mumbled, his voice barely audible
"Ikuya?" Makoto's voice was full of concern as usual which made Ikuya feel worse about the situation.
"Don't be stupid, Even though you can't swim you can still come to the club!" Asahi said in disbelief
Ikya stood up silently, still not looking at any of his teammates
"Do whatever you want, I'm going to quit the swimming club..." Ikuya's voice seemed to get impossibly quieter as he spoke
"Quit playing around, if you're joking then it's not funny," Asahi sounded angry as he desperately grabbed the front of Ikuya's shirt
The smaller of the two felt fear creep into his veins as tears began building in his eyes.
"Shut up!" Ikuya yelled, pushing Asahi's arms off him as he continued "I'm going to quit..."
Tears were now falling freely from his eyes and he did the only thing he could think of. He ran. He ran out of school, hearing the faint shouts of his teammates behind him, however, he didn't stop. He continued running through the streets in an attempt to be alone.
All he wanted was to quit the swim club and be alone. Seeing his brother there every day and having to talk to him like everything was okay was torture and he wasn't sure how much more he could take. Now he had made a scene and his teammates were worried about him.
This is the opposite of what I wanted...
He eventually had to stop and catch his breath and, unluckily for him, it seemed the others had managed to keep up with him pretty well, Asahi practically tackling him into a hug as soon as he saw the other.
Ikuya gasped in pain as his ribs were knocked on the floor as he hit the ground and Asahi let out a squeak of panic as he began apologising profusely
"Asahi...It's fine...Please stop apologising..." Ikuya let a weak smile show
"don't even think about dying, Ikuya!" Asahi said, his voice a lot louder than it needed to be
"I wouldn't do that! I wasn't planning on doing that..." ikuya responded, caught off guard at the statement.
Asahi stood up and let Ikuya stand too as Haru and Makoto caught up to the two
"Why are you all here..?" Ikuya asked sadly, his voice lacking much emotion
"Isn't it obvious? Because we're worried about you. And we care about you, Ikuya, Asahi said, his voice calm, a drastic change from his usual loud, bubbly voice.
Ikuya took a sharp intake of breath and the tears begun falling faster.
"Why?" Ikuya asked, his voice full of pain as he stared up at the sky.
"Because we're a team, we're your friends, Ikuya," Makoto said softly"Is that..?" Makoto began, being cut off by Ikuya's quiet voice
"That's the swimming club me and my brother used to go to...We were both working hard so that we could swim at the world level..." Ikuya paused and wiped the tears from his eyes before continuing "As soon as he entered middle school, he separated himself from me...When I asked why he just said it was so he could make new friends...I just became a bother to him..."
"I'm sure that's not it..." Makoto tried to reassure"He probably just wanted you to be able to stand on your own, didn't he? Even though it made him just as sad,"
"Natsuya-senpai was worried about you...He couldn't think of anything he could do to stop you hating him...He said it so sadly though...He wants to make things right ikuya" Haru added before Makoto began talking again
"I don't think there's any way Natsuya-senpai could ever hate you, Ikuya. You're not alone. We all know you've been struggling and we could help if you just let us in and tell us what's wrong."
Ikuya's tears continued falling steadily as he began speaking again
"I always thought having my brother was good enough...And then he left...And I didn't know how to talk to people...I don't like meeting new people alone...But I had to..." Ikuya collapsed to his knees as he gasped, trying to catch his breath as the panic attack caught him off guard.
"...I thought if I made my own friends and stayed out of my brother's way...he'd not hate me...Everything just seems to of gotten worse though..." Ikuya choked out between gasps and sobs.
A hand appeared on Ikuya's back and he turned his head, vaguely making out Haru's face through his tears.
"You need to breathe, Ikuya," Haru explained that he was going to start counting and that he wanted Ikuya to breathe along with his counting and the smaller of the two nodded and tried his best to breathe deeply as instructed. It turned out to be harder than Ikuya originally thought as he usually just waited the panic attack out until he eventually calmed down or until he became too tired and practically collapsed. Haru gently ran his hand up and down Ikuya's spine, helping him to relax. Haru thought he was sort of lucky to have experienced Makoto having a panic attack a couple of times as it meant he now knew different methods to help.
Slowly, Ikuya managed to get his breathing under control with Haru's help and Makoto and Asahi let out sighs of relief.
"I'm going to have to tell my brother about this, aren't I...?" Ikuya mumbled sadly.
"I think you should, but you don't have to right away if you really don't want to. I think Natsuya-senpai would be able to help you much more than we can if he knew what was going on," Makoto explained gently
"W..what is going on?" Asahi asked, his voice full of confusion"What was that?"
"...I don't know how to explain everything really...I have pretty bad anxiety and have panic attacks quite a bit which is what that was," Ikuya explained, his voice quiet as he looked down, not meeting anyone's eyes
"Ikuya, there's nothing to be ashamed of," Makoto could sense Ikuya's thoughts as he continued "I have panic attacks sometimes, so do a lot of people, there's nothing to be ashamed of, it's a normal thing to happen if you're anxious," Makoto reassured.
"Come on, let's go back to the club," Haru suggested and Ikuya felt his stomach flip with anxiety at the thought of finally revealing everything to his brother. He felt two hands reaching out for him, one belonged to Asahi who squeezed his shoulder gently in encouragement and the other belonged to Makoto who grabbed his hand, holding it as they walked back to school.
"We'll stay with you whilst you explain things to Natsuya-senpai if you want," Makoto offered
"We can help you to explain as well if you want," Asahi offered
"Thanks...I feel like this is something I should do on my own though..." Ikuya still mumbled slightly, not completely comfortable with talking about his personal problems.
As they neared school, Ikuya took in a couple of deep breaths, trying to clear his head of everything that had happened.
They reached the pool and were faced with a very unimpressed looking Natsuya and so, they all apologised.
"You guys have some nerve skipping club," Natsuya said, his voice sounding serious but not too angry
Ikuya felt anxiety bubbling in his stomach as he said
"It's my fault," He waited for some sort of reaction, however, when he was met with silence, he swallowed the panic he felt and continued "I ran out of school and everyone chased me because they were worried about me, and so we're late," Ikuya avoided all eye contact with his brother as he apologised once again, being followed by Asahi and then Makoto.
Natsuya was in shock as he watched the three of them apologising over something so trivial.
"What's wrong with you guys? Did you hit your heads?" Natsuya asked in disbelief, unable to come up with an explanation as to what was going on.
"Because some idiot knocked me over before I might have," Ikuya mumbled jokingly
"That's because you were acting so suspicious!" Asahi defended
"Most people wouldn't jump to that conclusion though," Ikuya replied, barely getting time to register what was happening before Asahi's hands were tickling his neck. Natsuya smiled at the scene in front of him, happy that Ikuya had finally made some friends, however, a sense of longing replaced the happiness soon enough as he remembered Ikuya's feelings towards him. ikuya finally managed to shake Asahi off him and get the redhead to stop and what he did next surprised Natsuya even more than he already was.
Ikuya turned to face him, still avoiding eye contact as he began talking
"Natsuya, I'm sorry, I know now that you were trying to help me by pushing me away, I just wish I'd have realised sooner. I don't hate you, even if that's what you think, the only person I hate is myself for taking it so personally when you wanted to make new friends, I know I shouldn't have been that bothered by it..." Ikuya paused for a minute to think of how to word his next sentence however, he didn't need to as Natsuya interrupted him.
"No, ikuya, you shouldn't be apologising, I should be. I know you have more that you want to say but we can talk later if you want, then there are not so many people around."
Ikuya simply nodded slightly, his breathing shaky as he tried to remember Haru's methods from before.
"where's Nao-senpai?" Makoto's question thankfully brought everyone's attention away from Ikuya and the smallest boy let out a sigh of relief
Natsuya explained to them that Nao was in the hospital for an operation on his eye, gaining gasps and worried questions about whether he was okay. He reassured the four boys that he was okay and said that they could go and visit him if they wanted.
After visiting Nao at the hospital, Ikuya returned home. Natsuya was in the kitchen when he entered the house and for the first time ever, he didn't feel the need to immediately run and hide in his room, however, he also found himself unable to start a conversation, his throat constricting, making it hard to breathe.
"Ah, Ikuya. You're home...Do you want to talk now or after dinner?" Natsuya asked as soon as he noticed Ikuya standing in the doorway
"Could we talk after dinner...I'm covered in dirt from when Asahi knicked me over so I really need a shower." Ikuya's voice was still quiet and sounded nervous, however, it was nowhere near as bad as usual.
"Of course. Oh yeah and mum and dad are out tonight so I'm making dinner," Natsuya said, to which Ikuya nodded "Go and have a shower, then we'll talk, okay?" Again Ikuya nodded, making his way to the bathroom and getting in the shower, his head not overflowing with negative thoughts for once. The negative thoughts were definitely still there but it was as if there was a fog over his brain that made it easier to ignore any bad thoughts. Ikuya thought as he stood under the gentle spray from the shower head, relaxing slightly for the first time in a long time.
Maybe everything will be okay after all...