A/N: Yooo It's like half one in the morning and I need to be awake at half six so whoooop, anyway this is terrible, I apologise
Also piano covers of songs are really good, I recommend them a lot, they're very calming and relaxing
Ikuya finished in the shower, drying himself off and getting dressed before heading back out to the kitchen, seeing his brother finishing cooking. Upon entering the kitchen, Natsuya smiled at him however, his eyes were filled with an emotion that Ikuya couldn't decipher. Sadness, maybe? Longing? Ikuya wasn't sure and so, he asked
"Are you okay?" Ikuya asked, catching his brother off guard. Natsuya nodded distractedly, looking away from Ikuya and focusing on what he was cooking.
"I'm not that stupid, I can tell you're not," Ikuya commented, making Natsuya turn to face him once again.
"Yeah, I'm sorry...I just...I wish I could have helped you before it got to this stage but I was stupid...and look where that got me," Natsuya explained quietly.
"There's nothing you could have done to help, you know that as much as I do," Ikuya pointed out
"I know...I just wish none of this had happened, I wish I'd have known how much trouble it would cause to push you away," Natsuya sighed and smiled "Anyway, I'll be fine, don't you worry about me,"
The two of them continued taking as Natsuya finished cooking before they sat down to eat. They ate in relative silence, neither of them wanting to address the subject that they desperately needed to talk about. The silence became tense as they finished eating, both of them knowing what was coming.
After quickly washing up anything they had used, Natsuya gently grabbed Ikuya's hand, leading him towards the living room and getting him to sit down.
"I know this isn't going to be an easy conversation to have but I want to understand what's happened over the past few years, I know pretty much nothing about how you've felt and I really want to go back and punch myself for that but I guess that wouldn't help at all," Natsuya started as Ikuya looked away in thought.
"I..I'm honestly not sure where to begin..." Ikuya started "I guess it started with just not knowing how to talk to people properly and then meeting new people started to make me worry a lot...I first had a panic attack about a year and a half ago but I didn't know what it was at the time..." ikuya took a deep breath to slow his racing heartbeat. He could feel his eyes burning and his throat closing up, however, he had to carry on. Natsuya deserved an explanation.
"...I...I learnt how to deal with the panic attacks kind of...and then they happened less often but recently...they've happened more often again..." Ikuya's voice began to crack as he spoke however, he continued anyway, trying to ignore the tears that had begun running down his face.
He avoided Natsuya's gaze as he roughly wiped his eyes with his sleeve, stopping when Natsuya gently grasped his hand. Natsuya's gaze was full of a million and one emotions as he looked into Ikuya's eyes which were full of uncertainty.
Tears continued falling from Ikuya's eyes and the sight practically broke Natsuya'a heart. To see his brother suffering so much because he wasn't there to support him was quite possibly the worst thing he had ever experienced, however, he had to stay strong and be here for Ikuya. He had to make up for leaving him alone.
Natsuya gently wrapped his arms around Ikuya, carefully pulling him into a hug, being cautious about his brother's broken ribs as he began running his hands through Ikuya's hair gently, trying to calm the now shaking boy.
"Shhh...It's okay...you don't have to explain everything at once if it's too much...I want you to be comfortable and happy more than anything," Natsuya explained, his voice quiet and calm.
Ikuya eventually managed to calm down enough to carry on, Not moving from his current position sat in Natsuya's lap with his brother's arms wrapped around him as the older gently rocked them back and forth.
"I...I..have a lot of thoughts about how maybe people don't actually like me and they just feel sorry for me or just don't know how to tell me they don't like me...and I don't know how to stop them...I don't want to believe those thoughts and I don't want to think those things about my friends but it's hard not to..." Ikuya continued, burying his head in his brother's shoulder as much as he could in his current position.
Natsuya had a bad feeling about what his brother was saying however, he tried to convince himself that he was being stupid and overreacting. Despite this, he still asked in a quiet but steady voice
"Have you ever purposely hurt yourself Ikuya?" Natsuya held his breath as he awaited the answer. He had a suspicion that his brother had, however, Ikuya shook his head where it still rested on Natsuya's shoulder.
Ikuya knew he shouldn't lie to his brother however, he couldn't bring himself to admit to purposely hurting himself. He didn't think he could bear to see the expression of hurt on his brother's face when he realises that all of this happened without him ever noticing.
And so, Ikuya lied. He lied and said he had never even thought about hurting himself. He drowned out the guilt of lying to Natsuya's with the relieved expression plastered onto Natsuya's face. Natsuya would be hurt if he found out, even more so if he found out that ikuya had lied about it, and so, Ikuya vowed to not let him know. He couldn't. He wouldn't.
"...I thought you hated me...and the night I ran away... I just, it was so much easier to be angry at you and run away than it was to be sad or to face my problems," Ikuya continued
"i...If you don't mind me asking, what actually happened the night you ran away...where did you go...and what actually happened? We were told you were attacked and that's it..." Natsuya asked, his voice still quiet as if he was afraid of someone overhearing
"...I don't know where I went in all honesty...I just...ran and hoped you didn't find me...I wanted to be alone..." Ikuya began, taking a deep breath with the knowledge that he will probably get into trouble for talking to strangers "I ran into a couple and they talked to me for a bit...I know I shouldn't have...but they tried to take me to the police station but I refused...So they offered to let me stay at their house...I ran away again though early in the morning..." Natsuya held up a had to stop Ikuya from talking as he looked at his brother in bewilderment.
"You went home with some strangers...Ikuya...that's..." Ikuya cut him off
"I know it's dangerous! I know that now...I won't do it again..I promise...I didn't know what else to do...I didn't want to come home because no doubt you were all angry at me and I didn't even know where I was and I didn't have my phone and..." Ikuya was cut off by his own choked sob as he struggled to take in a breath.
"Ikuya, I'm sorry...I shouldn't have snapped at you..." Natsuya said gently, pulling Ikuya into a tighter hug carefully.
"Shhh, it's okay, it's okay, I promise. Can you try and follow my breathing Ikuya?" Natsuya asked. Ikuya didn't answer and so Natsuya continued "I want you to try and take deep breaths okay? I'm going to count to three and I want you to try and take deep breaths in time," He began slowly stroking up Ikuya's spine as he struggled to try and breathe properly, only made harder by the small pain in his ribs whenever he took a deep breath.
"It's okay, you're doing so well, I promise I'm not mad at you, I shouldn't have said that. I promise you you're okay, no one's going to hurt you," Natsuya mumbled into Ikuya's ear, giving the younger something to focus on as he regained control of his breathing
Once Ikuya had calmed down a considerable amount, Natsuya stopped his mumbling however, he continued stroking Ikuya's back, the younger seeming to appreciate the comfort
"Are you alright?" Natsuya asked after a couple of minutes of silence. Ikuya simply nodded before a loud yawn cut him off.
"Come on, let's go to bed, you look exhausted," Natsuya said with a small chuckle, receiving a long whine from Ikuya
"It's warm...Don't wanna move..." Ikuya mumbled sleepily and Natsuya chuckled again.
"You can't sleep here Ikuya," Natsuya grinned and Ikuya glanced at him, his expression sleepy and adorable. "Come on, go and get ready for bed and you can stay in my bed, okay?" Natsuya asked and Ikuya immediately perked up, scrambling to get up off Natsuya's lap and stumbling towards his room, a concerned shout coming from Natsuya as Ikuya almost ran into the door frame.
Natsuya stood up, making his way to his own room to get ready for bed, smiling to himself as he walked.
Things seemed to finally be working out after years of him and his brother not talking, and Natsuya couldn't possibly be happier. He had desperately missed his younger brother, had desperately missed being able to help with his troubles
Not long later, Ikuya entered Natsuya's room, closing the door behind him and immediately being pulled gently to lie down. Natsuya wrapped his arms around Ikuya once again,
"Is this okay? Do your ribs hurt?" Natsuya asked gently, concerned for his brother's injury
"Yeah, I think...As long as I don't move around too much it doesn't hurt too much," Ikuya explained and Natsuya sighed in relief before saying
"Good, I can try and make sure you don't move too much, I don't want you to be in pain,"
Ikuya let out another yawn and Natsuya chuckled again
"Go to sleep, you need it," He said gently, returning to stroking Ikuya's hair, causing the younger to drift off almost immediately. Natsuya continued to run his hands through Ikuya' hair gently until sleep eventually overcame him too
Natsuya awoke later to Ikuya's shaking form next to him, causing him to reach out to touch his brother, who had moved fairly far away from Natsuya. Natsuya gently placed his hand on top of Ikuya's and the younger boy flinched harshly at the contact, moving his hand away as he curled into a ball
"Ikuya? It's me, Natsuya, you don't have to be afraid, it's okay," Natsuya reassured gently, slowly moving closer to Ikuya. He continued mumbling and talking to his brother, soothing Ikuya who was shaken from a nightmare he had recently woken up from.
"Shhhh, it's okay," Natsuya murmured, this time placing his hand on Ikuya's shoulder without the small boy flinching
"...Nat...suya..." Ikuya hiccuped, having quite clearly been crying earlier on.
"I'm here, you're safe I promise," Natsuya comforted, rubbing small circles on Ikuya's shoulder. Ikuya slowly began to relax once again and as Natsuya coaxed him to lie back down, he asked gently;
"Can I ask what happened? Or do you not want to talk about it?"
Ikuya stared blankly at Natsuya for a minute before registering his brother's question and responding in a tiny voice
"Nightmare...I thought he was going to come and attack me again..." He began mumbling towards the end of the sentence however, Natsuya understood what was meant
"I swear on my life, I won't let anyone hurt you again Ikuya, I promise," Natsuya insisted as Ikuya began to relax once more, snuggling up to Natsuya's chest as much as possible without jolting his ribs.
Ikuya soon drifted off to sleep once more however, Natsuya stayed awake, watching over his brother and stroking his hair reassuringly when he tensed up in his sleep. He stayed awake until his eyelids forced themselves closed after a couple of hours of watching over Ikuya. The last thing he remembered before he fell asleep was Ikuya's happy mumbling in his sleep.