A/N:Okay so some shitty stuff has happened over the past couple of days so I struggled to finish this but luckily I wrote most of it on Wednesday so I only had a few paragraphs to write but anyway, I can't promise there'll be another update next Sunday but I'm gonna try. Uhh yeah, not a lot really happens in this chapter it's just kind of a transition from drama to something else but I'm not sure what yet so yeah it's a little shitty but oh well, anyway this probably makes no sense since I'm sleep deprived and asked my dog to stop laughing before instead of to stop barking but oh well, whoop
Also I wrote another one shot about Ikuya the other day but got to like 3000 words and decided I hated all of it so that's a bit of a rip but oh well
How long had it been since he got here? An hour? Five hours? Natsuya had no idea. He had long since tried to drown out the bustling noise of the hospital, however, a sudden increase in noise had him snapping back into reality, his head swimming with the amount of noise. He could hear voices, raised voices. And they were coming from the room that Ikuya was in, doing nothing to help the growing dread in Natsuya's heart.
All of a sudden, there was silence from the previously loud room. Natsuya held his breath as a nurse came out of the room, the look in her eyes telling him all he needed to know. The tears came down immediately and he didn't even hear what the nurse said. He didn't need to. He already knew. Ikuya was gone.
And just like that Natsuya's world came crashing down around him.
He couldn't breathe, couldn't stop shaking from head to toe, couldn't bear the harsh reality of the situation. His brother was dead. He could've helped, but he was too late, and now Ikuya was...
He couldn't even bear the thought of it.
Everything seemed to move in slow motion as hand's started grabbing at him, trying to gain his attention. He threw his arms out to stop whoever it was from touching him. He didn't want anyone to touch him however, it wouldn't stop. He let out a loud sob, begging whoever it was to stop touching him. He could feel his vision going blurry, the people in front of him no longer in focus and he almost sighed in relief. At least he could be alone for a while...
Natsuya snapped awake, sitting up as fast as possible, coming close to hitting his father in the head as he shot up. There were hands resting on his arms and they gently guided him to sit back down.
"It's okay, it was just a dream, I promise," His mother's comforting voice came from beside him, accompanied by her stroking his hair gently. It was clear that she had been crying by the rough tone of her voice as she spoke and the small sniffles that escaped every now and then. He let out a loud sob as the nightmare came rushing back to him. Ikuya...Where was Ikuya? Was he okay? Was he...alive?
"Iku...ya..." Natsuya managed to choke out between sobs and his mother stroked a hand up and down his spine "Is he alive...?"
"Shhhh, it's okay...Yes, he's alive, I promise you," This time it was his father speaking, his voice also sounding rough, however, Natsuya could tell that he was trying to be strong about the situation.
"I'm ...s...sorry... I should have noticed him leave practice...I should have s...stopped him...m...maybe then this wouldn't have h...happened..." Natsuya was choking on his own sobs as he tried to speak and his mother gently silenced him, instructing him to breathe as deeply as he could
It helped him to clear his head slightly but he couldn't ignore the crippling guilt and sadness that resided deep in his heart.
"It's not your fault Natsuya, please, don't ever blame this on yourself. We should have talked about it after he ran away but we left it, if anyone was to blame it would be us."His father had now sat on the other side of him and was running a comforting hand up and down his arm, helping to calm him down further.
It was at his point that a doctor cleared his throat next tot he three of them. He appeared to have been standing there a while however, he hadn't wanted to interrupt in case he had made Natsuya panic even more. They all turned their attention to the kind looking doctor who, after confirming they were Ikuya's family, began to explain.
"He's stable but he's lost quite a bit of blood so we've given him a blood transfusion which will take possibly around another two hours. We gave him a general anaesthetic so when he wakes up he'll probably be a bit confused and might not remember what happened too well. Some of the cuts on his arms needed stitches but they should heal relatively quickly, however, we did find some more cuts on his legs which seemed older but are still a cause for concern as this has been going on for a while. We're also aware that he broke some of his ribs a while ago but they don't seem to have healed all that much so we were wondering whether he has done any physical activities that might have stopped them from healing?"
At the question, Natsuya looked away before quietly answering
"He swam in the relay at the practice tournament the other day...He refused to sit out..."
At this, the doctor nodded understandingly before continuing
"Okay, and I'm sure you know that we're going to have to keep him here for a while to monitor him, just in case."
Everyone nodded and the doctor smiled sympathetically
"We're going to have a psychologist talk to him as soon as possible as well and then see where to go from there if that's okay?" The doctor asked, receiving frantic agreements from Ikuya's parents
"If there's a chance it could help him, I'm willing to try anything," His mother choked out over the lump in her throat.
"You can go in and see him if you'd like but he's still unconscious, I'll be back to check on him in a while," The doctor said before leaving the three of them to brace themselves for the sight they were about to see.
As they entered the room, Natsuya held his breath, attempting to calm himself as his heart raced painfully fast in his chest.
The lights in the room were dim however, he could see Ikuya's pale form easily. He had various tubes running into his arms and his forearms were wrapped in white bandages, covering the horror that Natsuya knew was underneath.
He looked pale and sickly as he lay motionless save from the soft movement from his chest. Natsuya couldn't have stopped the tears running down his face if he had tried. Seeing his brother in this condition immediately made his throat close up as he remembered the blood. There had been so much blood, he had honestly thought he wouldn't make it. The nightmare from earlier still hung heavily over his head, making him paranoid that at any moment, Ikuya could be gone. Because of this, the brunette refused to take his eyes off Ikuya's frail form, scared that if he glanced away, he would disappear.
His mother attempted to comfort him however, she was in tears herself, and so, the two of them sat down beside Ikuya's bed, each of them crying silently as they let their thoughts drift.
The atmosphere in the room was heavy and sombre, the reality of what had happened crashing over them like a tidal wave. Ikuya had almost died. More importantly, he had tried to kill himself. How did this happen? When did it get this bad? These thoughts ran through everyone's heads, however, none of them had any answers.
A small whimper interrupted their thoughts as everyone's heads snapped up to where Ikuya lay, noticing his eye's opened slightly, squinting even though the lighting was dim. He whimpered again as he slowly opened his eyes and looked around, confusion evident on his face.
His arms stung slightly and his head felt foggy as he tried to remember what had happened. He could feel his ribs aching slightly more than usual but he ignored it in favour of twisting his body around slightly, his eyes following one of the tubes which ran into his arm.
After finding out that the tube led to a bag of blood hanging next to him, he moved his gaze to find the tear-stained faces of his parents and his brother.
Seeing her son's wide, confused eyes staring at her with such innocence made their mother break down once more, tears falling rapidly down her face as she wiped her face with her hands repeatedly as if it would make the tears stop.
"What happened...?" Ikuya asked quietly, his brain taking a few moments to think of what to say. He looked down at his bandaged arms and felt dread pool deep in his gut.
Surely it couldn't be...No! I can't have done that...Right?
"Ikuya..." His father's voice sounded strained as he contemplated how to explain the situation. He took a deep breath before continuing "You...tried to kill yourself..." His voice was barely audible towards the end of the sentence, tears falling from his eyes as he looked up at the ceiling, trying to calm himself.
Ikuya froze. His whole world seemed to stop spinning on its axis and he could feel it crashing down around him.
The room was silent save for sniffles and barely concealed sobs from his family as he stared intensely at his hands. His head was spinning with the new information he had been told and he felt dizzy just thinking about how he had ended up here. Who had found him? What had he done?
Without realising it, tears slowly fell from Ikuya's eyes, Everyone in the room jumping up immediately to calm him down, despite the fact that they were all crying too.
"Shhhh...It's okay...We'll talk about it later when you're less confused..." His father began speaking in a soothing voice
It took a while for Ikuya's tears to stop and once they did, there was a knock on the door, the doctor from before poking his head in. He entered the room and smiled slightly upon seeing Ikuya awake, looking at him with wide eyes filled with confusion.
"The psychologist would like to see you if that's okay?" He said, directing the question at Ikuya who simply nodded, looking defeated and disappointed.
"I'm sorry but you'll have to leave for a while whilst the psychologist talks to him, people often lie or leave details out when their family members are in the room because they don't want to upset them," The doctor explained in a gentle voice, to which Ikuya's parents nodded, leaving the room after saying a quick goodbye and leaving a kiss on Ikuya's head.
The doctor followed them out of the room, reemerging a minute later with another person. She looked to be around 30 and she wore a kind, reassuring smile as the doctor began talking
"This is Dr Shinozaki, she's a psychologist here. She's just going to ask you a couple of questions and try to help you out, okay?"
Ikuya nodded with a small, forced smile as the doctor smiled and left the room.
Dr Shinozaki took a seat next to Ikuya's bed and clicked her pen, reading over something before she looked up at him and asked;
"I want you to answer honestly but how are you feeling? "
Ikuya paused for a minute, trying to think of how he was actually feeling before deciding to be completely honest, answering with
"I don't know...I can't think of what I feel, there's just lots of different feelings..."
"Can you name any of these feelings or not?" She asked once more
"Uhh...guilt slightly...sadness obviously...fear a bit...I'm not really sure..." Ikuya tried to explain, unable to explain how he felt
"Okay that's a good start, I know this may be a hard question to answer but have you ever thought about suicide before? she asked, her voice full of reassurance as she spoke.
"Uhh...a bit I guess...but it was never in detail, I didn't want to kill myself...I just...I don't know..." Ikuya rushed to try and explain himself.
"It's okay, you're bound to be confused and unsure about everything at the moment, I'm not sure whether you've been told that they're going to keep you here for a couple of days until we're sure you're not a threat to yourself?" Dr Shinozaki asked in a gentle voice
"No, I haven't been told that but it makes sense..." Ikuya looked away, the guilt clawing at his chest violently.
"I'm going to guess that you feel guilty because your family are worried, am I right?" The psychologist asked, sensing Ikuya's inner turmoil. Ikuya simply nodded and she continued, "You have nothing to feel guilty about, even though I know it's hard to believe, you've said yourself you didn't want to kill yourself, it was a mental health problem that escalated into this and that's by no means your fault,"
Ikuya tried to believe her words, however hard it was as she stood up to leave, explaining that she would return in a few hours to check on him and then tomorrow to talk in more detail about what happened.
Once she left, Ikuya sighed slightly, staring blankly at the ceiling. His thoughts were running wild right now and he didn't know what to focus on. His family returned to the room however, they all seemed to be walking on eggshells around him, not wanting to upset him in any way although it did nothing but further unnerve Ikuya.
It was another couple of hours before his parents and brother were asked to leave and once they did, Dr Shinozaki entered the room again, asking a couple of general questions about whether he was in pain and how he felt before she smiled, happy with the answers as she left once more.
Ikuya spent a couple more hours staring into the now dark room, his thoughts keeping him awake no matter how much his eyelids tried to close, longing for sleep, however, he eventually fell into a restless sleep, his mind plagued with nightmares of what he'd done.