It had been the hardest two weeks of their lives. It was relentless and for a while they thought there would never be joy in this house again.
And then they heard it. Iris laughed and Alfie laughed with her. They were watching TV together and it was a silly show but Iris's cute giggle had started her brother off. Slowly but surely the two youngest were starting to live a little bit again.
They still had rough times and days. Night times were the worst and Alfie and Iris still slept together but they stayed in their own bed most nights and slept through. Iris would still wake once or twice but Alfie often calmed her down. Every morning she still came out and asked for 'Mom and Dada.'
Mae and Lola were two different kettles of fish. They shared a room but not a bed and Lola spent a lot of time in her room during the day but would talk to her Pops every night about how she thought everything and everyone was going. She was very mother hen at the moment and no matter how many times they told her that she didn't have to take it all on her own shoulders to care for everyone, Iris particularly she refused to budge. It was her way of coping and they had to let her deal with it in her own way. They saw what happened when something was taken away from her.
Iris had fallen over and bumped her head and Kim and Adam rushed to help. Lola was trying to comfort her and without thinking Kim snatched her out of Lola's arms. It sent Lola off the deep end and she screamed at her grandmother, telling her that MiMi only liked Iris because she was little and looked like Polly and nobody cared about her because she didn't. It wasn't rational but random outbursts were the norm at the moment. Lola fled to her room and refused to come out for the rest of the day. Alfie eventually made her come out for dinner, because he'd help cook it and it was her favourite. When she'd had her meltdown he wanted to know how to help his sister and that's what he decided to do, to cook her favourite dinner.
She also talked about her Mom and Dad and asked Pops to tell her stories about her Mom from when she was little.
"I remember the first time your Mom came downstairs all by herself. We'd already be doing the late night chats for a while if she woke but I had to go get her. Then she was in her big bed and suddenly there she was, standing on the stairs telling me she was awake now, she was about Iris's age." Adam let the memories wash over him. "Over the years we talked about so much, she told me about meeting your Dad, how much she liked him and then I remember her telling me she was falling in love with him. I could see it and she was so beautiful and happy, even if I thought she was too young to fall in love, I was her main man and suddenly there was this annoying boy making her smile and I was a little bit jealous. We were here before she married your Dad, the night before and she told me that he was her one in a million. When she was pregnant with you, and Mae. I sat with her late at night when she was so sick with Alfie and before you moved away." Adam paused a little. "I loved it so much and I think I might miss that the most. It was just our time, MiMi didn't even know what we talked about some nights." Adam took a deep breath and his voice shook a little. "You know the last time she came and talked to me?"
Lola shook her head.
"The night before they went away. She was here with me, the last thing she did was kiss me on the cheek and tell me she loved me to the moon." The tears slid silently down Adam's cheeks as he cradled Lola's head. "I loved your Mom so much Lola Bear."
"I love you to the Moon Pops."
Mae would find somewhere quiet to be alone and read or do a puzzle by herself or watch TV and would often watch Iris playing but she still didn't speak. If you asked her a question she would nod or shake her head, if they asked her to do something she just got up and did it, even taking Iris to the bathroom, she just did it and said nothing. She ate dinner with them, pushing most of the food around her plate and just sat and listened to the conversations happening around her.
Adam and Kim found solace in each other's arms again at night, once everyone was asleep and the grief was still overwhelming, especially at the end of another long day.
Out of all of them, they worried about Mae the most. They wanted to know what was going on in her head. Alfie had opened up to them and told them he felt guilty for playing with his toys, that he thought he had to be sad all the time and it wasn't fair to have fun. He talked about how much he missed his Mom and Dad and wanted to watch videos of them all the time.
They also saw his anger, he was angry with them for leaving him, he was angry with them for leaving Iris, 'she's still little, and she won't remember them.' And he was worried that he would have to call Heidi and Hudson Mom and Dad and he didn't want to do that. He missed Australia too, he wanted to go back because 'life was nicer there. Mom and Dad were still alive in Australia. I hate being here.'
Adam didn't know what to do or say when Alfie asked him what happened in the accident and why they died. Was there lots of blood? Did they cry? Did Dad hold Mom's hand while they were dying? Did anyone help them?
He tried to comfort him by telling him that they were together, it all happened very quickly and they didn't feel any pain. All the other details, he didn't need to know right now. They died because a truck hit their car and it was going too fast and Dad couldn't do anything to get out of the way.
"Do you think they miss us?"
"Oh god Alfie yes, they would do anything to be here with you, they never wanted to leave you. Mom and Dad are holding onto each other and watching down from heaven to make sure you are okay. I know this is hard, and it's not fair but they would love to see you smile again."
They were gutted when they overheard Alfie telling Iris that it was all "Dada's fault. Stop talking about him." Iris was still asking for them every day and when she heard a car she'd perk up and look hopefully at the door for them to walk in. The look of disappointment on her face was crushing.
"Alfie, Sweetheart. Please don't say that. It wasn't your Dad's fault, it was an accident." Kim was mortified.
"He should have not crashed." Alfie countered angrily, it was all part of the process. "Then my Mom would still be alive and then everyone would be happy." It was all so simple in his mind. Cause and affect. His Dad was driving, they crashed, and they died, everyone was sad so it was his Dad's fault.
Alfie relented when Kim burst into tears. "Sorry MiMi." He apologised. He hated seeing people crying.
"I know you are upset and confused and angry but please don't say things like that. It wasn't anyone's fault, especially not your Dad. It makes me very upset to hear you talking like that and talking to Iris like that." MiMi hugged him but Alfie knew that she wasn't happy with him and that he had upset her.
Adam found Kim standing outside Mae's room. The door was closed and she had tears streaming down her face. She pressed her finger to her mouth to get Adam to stay quiet.
"Ris loves Mae." Iris was a chatterbox today. She had come out of her shell the last few days; it was like the clouds were lifting for her and her natural instincts were starting to kick in. She was a little girl who loved to play and had a lifetime of growing to do.
Mae's quiet little voice was like a gift. It was the first time they had heard her talking for almost two weeks. Kim wanted to burst in and hug her but they just listened instead. "I love you too Bug. Don't worry, Pops will be home soon."
Adam had gone out to run some errands and as seemed to be the way as soon as someone left they would withdraw and fret until they came back. When he got home he had to let them know he was back.
There were things that needed to be sorted out with regards to the care of the kids and they were working through them slowly. They had to be enrolled in school, not that they were anywhere near ready to return to school yet. At this early stage it had been decided that they would stay with Adam and Kim. Another upheaval right now wouldn't be the best thing for them. Even talking to them about moving bought a lot of anger and tears, they needed to feel safe and at this point in time they felt safe with their MiMi and Pops. It was Heidi and Hudson's suggestion to leave them with their grandparents for the foreseeable future.
Caring for them was a fulltime job for two people and Kim and Adam were best placed to offer that to them for the time being, until they were more settled. Heidi was heavily involved and saw them everyday and they agreed it was going to be a long slow transition.
He knocked quietly on the door and opened it. "Hey, I'm home."
"Hi Pops." Iris responded cheerfully while Mae just looked at him and nodded slightly. He felt Kim beside him and she was desperate to say something to Mae but she had turned away from them and continued to play with Iris's toys.
Adam closed the door and they stood and listened for a few moments. "See I told you Pops would come home." She told her sister quietly.
"Okay." Adam led Kim away. "They will hear us crying. That was beautiful, how beautiful did she sound?"
"She sounded like Polly." That thought just made Kim cry even harder. Having pushed her grief aside for a few weeks it was starting to seep through her cracks. "Adam, I miss my Baby."
"Oh Darlin' I know you do." Adam missed her just as much. "You have been amazing. I don't know how you do it."
"What choice do we have?"
"None." Adam was starting to crave his wife. That part of their life had ground to a halt, neither of them could contemplate the feeling of happiness nor comfort that having sex would bring. Not when the world outside their bedroom door was in tatters. At some point though he started to miss her, and wanted to feel something other than overwhelming sadness and crushing grief. He settled for a kiss, a soft slow, gentle loving kiss and a fierce hug.
It was days later that they really heard her voice for the first time, the first time she spoke to them. Lola had told them that Mae talked to Iris and Alfie and sometimes to her but didn't say much. She would just calm them down when they were fretting and then go back to nothing. She hadn't mentioned her Mom and Dad at all.
"I'm scared." She stood at the bottom of the stairs, well after she had gone to bed. They didn't see her but the voice made them jump. They weren't expecting to see Mae; it was always Lola who came down.
Mae used to do it with Sam all the time, Polly often joked that she was just copying her because she was always coming down to talk to her Dad. Sam loved it and they never told Mae to stop. It was a huge thing for her to be here right now. It felt enormous and they were anxious to get it right.
It took everything they had in them not to leap up and rush her. Kim just held out her hand and Mae took a few steps then stopped for a moment before continuing. She climbed up in between her grandparents. They didn't say anything and just waited.
"I am scared I will forget to miss them." She sobbed; she was utterly devastated. "What if I forget to love them?"
"Oh Mae." Kim cried with her and Adam held onto them both. "My poor heartbroken Mabel. You will never forget to love them, I promise you that. They will always be a huge part of you and who you are."
That was all she said. Again she fell silent and put her head down on MiMi's lap and closed her eyes. Adam rubbed circles on her back and they watched her fall asleep. Their beautiful heartbroken granddaughter, every time they saw these wonderful children struggling it made them hurt even more. They honestly didn't know when it was going to stop. They didn't know where the bottom was because everyday the hole was just getting deeper.
Mae stirred when Adam tried to pick her up and take her up to bed. They had let her sleep for a couple of hours in their laps. They talked quietly about her future, their future and what the next few days and weeks looked like. Adam had sorted a few things out today, Gus had power of attorney and they needed to get the process started to set up the trust accounts that Polly and Sam wanted for them. They had been very specific in their wants and had also made sure that they separated the responsibilities for their estate. Gus had power of attorney while Heidi and Hudson had guardianship of the children, but it allowed them to make any decision that was best for the kids. Adam and Kim would always be included in any decisions about the ongoing wellbeing of their grandchildren.
They were very specific though. They must all stay together, that was not negotiable and the funds were available for their care and education.
"No Pops No." Mae held onto his neck tightly as he tried to put her into bed. She clung to him like a barnacle and she was shaking and Lola sat upright in bed suddenly.
"Do you want to sleep with MiMi and me?" She nodded her head. "Okay, shhh Sweetheart." He stopped briefly and talked to Lola. Telling her that Mae was fine, and she should go back to sleep and try not to worry. If she needed to come into their room she could. Lola thought she'd be okay but it was her first night alone in a room and that did scare her a little.
"I'll leave the door open a bit and the light is on in the hallway. Don't be scared in here alone Lola, please." They would sit up all night with them if they had too.
Kim wasn't surprised when Adam came in with Mae still attached to him. He lay her down next to her grandmother and when he came to bed they surrounded her with their own grief and waited until her breath evened out.
"Adam, she's so broken."
"I know, but she's talking. That's better than yesterday."
"Is it?"
"I hope so." He leant over and kissed Kim softly. "Just sleep Baby. She's safe here with us."
"Hey Lola Bear." Adam was up early making a coffee. Kim and Mae were still asleep as were Iris and Alfie. Adam had checked on them before he came down.
He found himself getting up earlier and earlier, just to get a few minutes alone and he would use that time just to think. Sometimes about Polly but that was too hard to deal with alone so he thought about his grandchildren and what he had to do for them today. And Kim, he thought about his wife, a lot.
She had been immense through all this but she was tired, heartbroken and barely hanging on. Adam worried about her, a grieving mother had always been his worst nightmare on the job and now he had one in his house. The one grieving mother he never wanted to meet.
"Morning Pops. Is Mae okay?"
"She is, she is still asleep with MiMi."
"I know, I checked, I checked on all of them."
"Thanks Sweetheart." He reached over the counter and squeezed her hand, he wasn't surprised that Lola had already checked on them, the little mother hen that she was. "How are you today? Did you sleep okay?"
"Yes."
"You know Mae came down and talked to us last night?"
"What did she say?" Lola was surprised. Mae had been talking for a few days but when Lola suggested she go and ask MiMi for something for Iris to eat but she refused, shaking her head angrily and telling her 'No'. Even then she stopped talking to Lola again.
"That she was scared that she would forget your Mom and Dad."
"I won't let her Pops, I promise."
"I know you won't. It was nice to hear her voice though. I've missed hearing it." Adam pulled up a stool and sat opposite Lola. "We want you to know that you are going to stay here with MiMi and I for a bit longer."
"Really?"
"Yes. We all talked about it and Heidi and Hudson agree that the best thing for you all is to stay here with us. Heidi will be around a lot though and technically they are you guardians. We will all be making decisions together and we will always listen to you and involve you all."
"Is Heidi upset that we don't want to live with her?" They were starting to get a sense of Lola's state of mind. She wanted to know everyone around her was okay, she worried and talked about everyone else and how they were feeling so that nobody would ask her how she was. "I don't want to upset Heidi and Hudson."
"No Lola, Heidi and Hudson both want what is best for all of you. It's hard for them too, they loved your Dad and Mom." Adam was onto her. "How do you feel about that?"
"I think it's the best thing for Mae and Iris and if they get upset then Alfie gets upset."
"Okay, but Lola that's not what I asked. How do you feel about it?"
"I want to stay here with you."
Alfie bought Iris downstairs with him. He woke her up when he woke because he didn't like leaving her alone. She was not happy about it and ran up to Adam and demanded to be picked up. "Mom and Dada home today?"
"No sweetie." Adam answered the same question every day. "Mom and Dad aren't coming home. It's just us now."
"They are dead." Alfie was exasperated with having to tell Iris constantly about their parents.
"No." she waved her hand angrily at Alfie. "They come home."
"Okay Bug, Mom and Dada aren't here anymore, remember they got very hurt and they died. We can't see them anymore but we can still love them."
"No, I want Mom."
"Why can't she remember?" Alfie just didn't understand. It wasn't that hard, he didn't forget, he never forgot.
"Because she is three Bud, she doesn't understand very well. We just have to keep talking to her and explaining it to her."
"I don't want to, I don't want to talk about it anymore." He ran from the room and Adam sighed. Adam got the feeling they were in for another rough day.
Lola offered to take Iris and get her a drink while Adam went to talk to Alfie. He found him lying face down on the couch and didn't move when Adam sat down beside him and rubbed his back softly. "You okay Alfie?"
"No, I wish I could forget like Iris does."
"Can I tell you a secret?" Alfie rolled over and nodded. "Me too. Every morning I wake up and for just a moment I forget and I am happy and then I remember why my heart hurts so much and that makes me sad again, but I am here with you and the girls and MiMi and we are going to be okay, because we are all together."
Another thing that seemed relentless was their phones constantly ringing or beeping with messages. People wanted to help, people wanted to make sure they had food to eat, they offered to sit with the kids and also they people were helpfully sending through articles and links to websites about helping children through their grief. It was appreciated but overwhelming and most of the day their phones were on silent.
Adam heard his phone buzz in the kitchen and Iris heard it too and coming running into the room and gave it to him. "Phone Pops."
"Thank you Bug." He checked the messages. It was the group chat, which included all Sam's family and Gus and Rhiannon and it a message from Kim, she was obviously awake and he would take her up a coffee and see how Mae was, there was no way Kim would come down and leave Mae alone. Just in case she wanted to talk again.
'Mae came down and talked to us last night. She's so heart broken.'
'How is she? Did she say much?' Heidi replied almost immediately.
'No just that she was scared she was going to forget to miss them and love them. She slept between Adam and I last night; she refused to go back to her own bed. She's still sleeping now.'
They had an army behind them and that was comforting. Adam made Kim a coffee and slipped upstairs while Iris was talking to Lola and Alfie was watching TV. Kim was just watching Mae sleep; she was stroking her hair softly and smiled at Adam when he opened the door.
"Hey Darlin', coffee for you. I saw you were awake." He placed it on the side table and sat on the edge of the bed. "Still asleep."
"She is, she woke up and went to the bathroom when you got up and then came back to bed and went back to sleep."
"Did she say anything?"
"No. I am starting to think we imagined it." Adam wiped a tear that trickled down her cheek.
"We didn't." He kissed her damp cheek. "I love you Darlin'."
"I love you too. How is everyone else?"
"Up and going." He decided to not to tell her about Alfie's little meltdown this morning. Sometimes it was better to keep things to themselves. He was sure, at times Kim didn't tell him about moments with the kids either. "Stay here, I'll make them breakfast."
Kim wasn't going anywhere while Mae was still in her bed. She drank her coffee, replied to a few messages and waited. Mae eventually stirred and Kim put her phone away and wiggled down so she was facing her little girl. "Good Morning Mae." She brushed the hair away from her forehead and kissed it softly. "Did you have a good sleep?"
Mae nodded but didn't say anything.
Kim waited and Mae just wanted to be cuddled. "You know you I loved hearing your voice last night. I've always loved hearing your voice." Kim couldn't help herself, she wanted to hear that sweet voice again, and she was desperate to hear it but got nothing.
"Pops is making breakfast, shall we go have some breakfast." Mae nodded and gave MiMi one more hug and scuttled from the bed. She tried not to be crushed by Mae's silence.
Adam greeted her happily when they came down and Kim just shook her head sadly and he knew what that meant. Mae wasn't talking. He hugged Kim in the kitchen while Mae sat in the lounge eating her breakfast. The others had already finished. "Baby steps, we know she is talking to the kids, she talked to us, it's just going to take time and we need to be patient."
"I don't want to be patient. I just really thought we had turned a corner."
"We did." Kim scoffed and he knew that Kim didn't believe him. She had to love him for trying so hard to make her feel better. "Okay so it was more like a slight deviation but it was closer to a corner than we've even been before."
Today they were taking them to their new school. It was still a couple of weeks away from the school year starting but they needed to start to get used to the idea that it was happening. It was a new school for them and a daunting prospect for everyone. They had sat down and decided to send them to a private school not far from where Kim and Adam lived. It had the benefit of small classes and they could also send all four of them to the same school as it catered for Kindergarten right through to senior high. They wouldn't all be together all day but they would be close if needed.
Iris wasn't starting pre-school until after the summer break as she wasn't old enough yet. She would be spending two days a week with Heidi though just to give Kim and Adam a break. Heidi also had some friends who looked after their small grandchildren and would get Iris to meet and integrated with them a little.
The school had been wonderful and they had been more than willing to work closely with them to help Lola, Mae and Alfie settle in, hence they were allowing them to come in today and show them around.
It was the first time they had all been out of the house together since the funeral. Lola had gone with MiMi to the grocery store and Alfie had gone out with Adam once but he had worried the whole time about Iris and Mae at home. Adam tried to keep him busy and occupied but he wanted to go home.
They were also having dinner with Heidi and Hudson tonight at their house. While they were staying with them for the time being at some stage they would start the transition process. Adam and Kim would keep them all in a heartbeat but they weren't getting any younger and while Lola was almost 14 and she was becoming more independent, Alfie was only six and Iris was three and they needed a lot of care and a lot of years ahead of them.
Turning 70 in the next few months Adam never expected to be caring fulltime for his grandchildren and another ten to fifteen years with Alfie and Mae at least would push them into their 80's. They were fit and healthy and active for their ages and people were surprised that they were almost 70 but the facts were the facts. What they didn't want was the kids to be forced from another home because something happened to them, it was the reason Sam and Polly chose Heidi and Hudson as guardians for their children.
Mae bought her plate into the kitchen and handed it to MiMi. "Do you want anything else sweetheart?"
She shook her head and went to leave the kitchen but she turned back. "Thank you for taking care of me." She didn't look at them but it was a sweet thing to say and she didn't hang around for a response.
Kim responded though, she buried her head in her husband's chest and had a little cry. He had been a tower of strength for her, he always had been and they had been through some rough times over the years but this was by far the most challenging and devastating thing they had faced and she couldn't do it without him.
To say the school visit went well was a lie. It didn't go well at all. Lola was at least rational about it, she knew they had to go to school and this was it. She didn't like it though and would have preferred to go back to her old school. Mae flat out shut down and refused to even acknowledge the principal and deputy as well as the counsellor that had come in. Alfie threw a fit and hated everything and Iris just fed off the others.
Mae had been talking a little all morning, more to the kids than Kim and Adam but she was a little more receptive and would answer their questions, with one or two words but it was something at least but now she was completely silent again and clung to MiMi's hand tightly and didn't even nod, she just stared blankly.
By the time they got to dinner Alfie was better, although he flipped out thinking they were moving in with Heidi and Hudson and it took Adam a while to calm him down, Mae still wasn't talking and Lola was quiet but polite. Iris was just Iris and loved the toys that Heidi had for her. "Don't play with them Bug, it's a trap." Alfie snapped and reefed a doll from her hands.
"Alfred. Enough." Kim was at her wits end today. It had been a horrible day and she was tired and emotional. "Give it back to Iris, now."
"I told you I am not living here." He threw the doll at Iris.
"Stop it. We've talked about this already and what did we tell you?"
He just glared at his grandmother. Hudson and Adam were outside cooking dinner and talking about the school visit while Heidi was trying not to get upset about Alfie's angry outburst. She was amazed at how calm Kim was dealing with him. She had told them about Alfie's anger and his occasional emotional outbursts but this was the first time Heidi had seen it.
"What did we tell you?" she repeated.
"That we are staying with you."
"Right, now apologise to Heidi. You upset her, they are trying to help and everyone is doing their best."
"But…"
"Alfred."
"Don't call me that." The yelling bought Adam inside, more specifically Alfie's yelling bought both of them inside.
"What's going on?"
"I hate this. I hate this. I just want Mom and Dad." He cried angrily. "It's not fair. I want to go home to Australia; I like my school and my friends. I don't want to live here. I want to go home. I hate Mom and Dad for leaving me."
"Alright." Adam stepped in; he grabbed Alfie's hand and led him away.
"I'm sorry Heidi." Kim ran her hands over her face. "It's been a rough day, perhaps we should have taken them home instead."
"It's okay Kim." Heidi rubbed her back. "It's okay."
She sat down heavily on the couch and buried her face in her hands. Heidi was just about to sit next to her when Mae jumped up from the floor where she had been watching Alfie and sat next to her grandmother and reached for her hand. She said nothing but just held her hand. As soon as Heidi left the room to take Iris to the bathroom Mae rested her head on Kim's arm and whispered. "Alfie didn't mean it MiMi, he's just scared."
"I know sweetheart." It was the first thing she had said since they left the house to go to the school.
Adam took Alfie outside and down to the back of the garden. He didn't talk to him for a bit until he felt him relax. He had fought Adam the whole way. "You are upset today?"
"Yes."
"Do you want to tell me why?" Alfie just shrugged. "Or we can not talk about it."
"I just want Mom and Dad to come back."
"Oh Alfie." It broke Adam's heart; he wanted nothing more than Polly and Sam to be here too. He'd swap places with them in an instant if he could. He never wanted to let his kids down or his grandkids and now he knew he was going to fail one of them. He was going to let his grandson down but he refused to give in and let his daughter down. She would want him here with Alfie to guide him and nurture him and love him. He crouched down in front of the distraught little boy. "Alfie I wish more than anything that I could bring them back to you but I can't. They are not here anymore." He pointed to the ground and then patted his chest. "But they are here. They are in your heart, and mine and everyone in this house. They are part of you and always will be. I look at you and can see your Dad in you, I can see your Mom in you and I think that is helping me get through this."
"It's scary."
"It is, it's terrifying and Alfie it's okay to be scared and angry and sad, it's okay to feel anything you want to feel but the one thing I don't want you to forget is that I love you so much and I will be here for you and I will help you, okay?"
"I'll try." He hugged his Pops. "I need to go say sorry to MiMi."
"Just give her a big hug and tell her you love her."
Adam watched him go inside, he followed him and stood back and watched that precious little boy hug his grandmother and tell her that he was sorry and that he loved her. Adam turned away; he was tired. He was tired of seeing heartbreak every day. He was tired of his heart hurting.
He missed his daughter.
He missed his wife; he missed his life.
He didn't want this life.