All aboard the angst train

Due to turbulent weather ahead, his ship back to the Netherlands was delayed for one week. While the rest of the ship's crew were annoyed, Jan couldn't help but feel overjoyed- he could visit Mei one more time before his long journey to the Netherlands. As Jan walked, he fiddled with the artwork Mei had given him. As Mei's home was in the seaside town of Zeelandia, his visit was allowed to be quick. The less time spent travelling in turn for time with Mei, the better.

It was quite a contrast to change back into his European clothes after so many years wearing the loose hanfus. The sleeves and pants clung to his limbs and the padding underneath proved quite stiff. At the sight of him standing in front of the gates, the guards gave him puzzled looks on their faces.

Something else caught his attention, though. Servants carrying boxes with a single red diamante sticker entered the opened gates while some others played tunes on the suona. He frowned. They seemed to be gifts, what was the occasion?

These were offerings for a marriage. He shrugged it off and turned to a guard. "I'm here to visit…" A person from inside the courtyard caught his attention.

At the sight of her, Jan couldn't help but let out a silent gasp. Mei stood, a pristine smile on her face, her beautiful cheeks powdered with a peachy blush. She adorned a pretty lilac hanfu, embroidered flowers in white stitched upon the silk. It was strange to see her hair down and out of the academy's blue and white hanfus, but it was definitely her. A smile rose up his own face.

"Mei… you look beautiful." But to his surprise, she only nodded rather than had a bigger reaction like he had expected.

"Thank you." She lead him into the compound and said no more. The compound's courtyard had crates littered everywhere. Jan looked down and twisted his lips.

"Why are all these crates here?" Mei said nothing and continued to walk into one of the houses of the compound. As servants opened the door of the building in the front, Jan realised that the compound was even bigger than he had thought- three more houses bordered the perimeter of an intricate lily pond, the smell of lilies already wafting to where he stood. Two servants pulled out a chair at a table, a blue and white porcelain tea set waiting upon the lacquered wood.

Jan was about to reach the teapot, but Mei held it first and carefully poured some into Jan's cup.

"I can pour yours…"

"I'll do it by myself, please." Jan scrunched up his eyebrows. "Customs." He nodded. But Jan had a feeling that it was more than just customs- even if it was, there was no reason that Mei wouldn't be as distant and neutral. "How come you're back?"

"The ships are delayed due to turbulent weather."

"Ah. I see. Well… at least we can spend one more day together." One more day together… oh. His merchant training would take a few years. Perhaps Mei was mad at him for not telling him that.

As Mei reached out for her tea, Jan reached out and touched her hand. A small gasp escaped out of her mouth and she looked up. Using a thumb, he stroked across her silky hand. Mei widened her eyes at the gesture and she looked down, a nervous chuckle and a light blush dusting her cheeks. Jan smiled. There she was, the Mei he knew. But immediately, Mei's smile melted into an empty frown. His own smile melted away, too. What was wrong?

"Mei? Is it because I haven't told you that my merchant training would take a few years?" He stroked her hand some more. Of course she would be mad, only realising that after their last day at the academy. He sighed. "I'm… sorry-"

"No no!" He raised his eyebrows in surprise at her tone.

"Mei? What's wrong?" Mei's wide, black pearl eyes met his. But there was a sense of panic in them, similar to the look in timid deer. Oh, the mere look wrenched his heartstring to see his dear friend Mei to be so scared. What was it? What was making her so scared?

Mei's bottom lip quivered. An impatient part of him wanted to ask her again. Jan knew that it was something Mei needed time to think about, so he waited.

"Well…" Mei slipped her hands away and sighed. She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, glancing side to side, a small, panicked frown upon her brow. "I… I don't think we can be friends anymore after today."

Something inside of Jan snapped. Not be friends anymore…? No. No no, he wanted to be with Mei. What was the reason? "Why?! Mei, please, we can work something out." In his mind, memories of their time together zipped around his head, comparing and checking each one. It couldn't be because Mei secretly resented him, could it?

"Jan, no, it's not your fault at all!" Mei's hands were over his. Jan heaved, experiencing the aftermaths of his brief episode, his heart hammering inside his chest, his forehead cool with sweat. Mei frowned, the scared look still there in her eyes as she scanned him.

The wind rustled the lilies and brung in more of their intoxicating perfume in between this strange moment of silence. Goldfish swam, frogs croaked, and dragonflies flew. Everything was moving.

Everything except the two of them.

A red and black swallowtail caught their eyes. So dainty in the wind, it floated into the open guest room, perching upon the edge of the table.

The same type they had seen in the spring.

Mei frowned, her bottom lip trembling as her entire form shook. Jan's eyes widened when a glassy sheen coated her eyes, warning incoming tears. With a choked sob, Mei hung her head down and cried onto their hands, tears falling down sob after painful sob. Every single one of them shattered and smashed his heart into unbearable pieces.

"I'm sorry, Jan. I'm…" a hiccup escaped. "I-I'm so sorry! I'm… I'm…" She sucked in air, preparing to say something. Jan held his breath, too afraid to breathe out. "Betrothed."

A bolt of lightning struck down his spine. Mei, betrothed and set to marry someone else… no… no!

The mere thought of Mei married to someone else… every inch of his being shook. Oh did it threaten tears to fall from his eyes as well! But for Mei's sake, he must keep them down. Inhaling, he forced the tears back and concentrated on the present.

Mei sobbed. Oh did she sob. Oh did it pain him. Jan stroked her hand, comforting her, even when their hands were wet with tears.

"Shh… it's okay. I'm here. There's nothing to worry about. I'm here," he whispered, repeating the words like a mantra. Slowly but surely, Mei's sobs hushed as she calmed down.

"Jan…" she whispered, her voice quivering. "I don't want us to be apart forever." Mei took a deep breath in, trying to calm herself down. "I don't want everything we've done together to be so ephemeral." Another breath. "I've… I've always thought that we would be together for at least 10 more years..."

His hands trembled at the very mention. Jan bit the inside of his cheeks to hold back the welling tears. He thought so, too. He wished… he wished that at the very least, he could be stationed at Formosa in the future and that he and Mei could still see each other. Maybe with permission, they could sail to somewhere else, such as Italy like Mei had hoped or some other new, exciting place.

Or maybe… maybe they would always be dreams ephemeral like butterflies- new, fantastical and wonderful, but gone the next day. This mere thought stirred something painful yet warm within his chest. Jan frowned.

It was when he realised that he loved her.

He shook his head. No. Nevermind the future, focus on the present. Mei was his friend, and she needed his help.

Mei had calm down. Her head still hung down, but she was silent. A million thoughts were zapping inside of her head, but she was defeated. Sitting up, she wiped away her tears, a neutral expression on her face as she reached for the tea. Her face was red and puffy, her eyes were pink and shiny.

"At least…" Jan held his breath. Mei sighed. "Nevermind. Jan, our tea's getting cold." She said nothing more as she sipped out of the cup.

Jan drew back his hands and grasped the tea. Was that it? Were they going to be permanently apart?

He whipped his head up at the sound of servants pacing down the outdoor hallway, a commotion amongst them. Mei rotated her head towards the sound.

"Father must be back." Father? The patriarch of the household Wang Yao. He furrowed his eyebrows as a train of thought entered his mind.

He stood up. Mei whipped her head up, a surprised look on her face.

"Jan? What are you…" He said nothing. Making eye contact, he gave Mei a reassuring smile as he reached into his pocket, pulling out the folded piece of paper, placing it onto the edge of the table.

"I'll be back." With one last reassuring smile, he stroked his hand and followed the servants.

Mei looked back and furrowed her eyebrows, confused. A horrid realisation struck her when she realised that Jan was going to change her father's mind. Looking down, she opened up the paper, gasped, and cried.

It was the pastel drawing of the butterflies that she had given him.

"Jan, wait, JAN!"

Wang Yao's study was on the other side of the lily pond. Unlike the guest room, the study was mostly closed off, with only a pair of foldable paper windows allowing light inside. One of the windows were open.

For a split second, Jan saw Wang Yao. Wang Yao's eyes met his for a split second, causing him to look away. They were patient but regal and commanding, reminding him of the eyes of dragons.

Once the servants left the door from behind, Jan reached for the handle of the door. His forehead was cool with sweat, and his heart was hammering. Taking a deep breath in, he pulled open the door.

The study was a gorgeous place made of red, shiny lacquered wood. Wang Yao faced away from the entrance, focusing on his works as he looked at the lily pond in front of him. From the half-opened window, Jan could see the guest room, but Mei was nowhere to be seen. Papers rustled as Wang Yao himself sorted through documents, stamping cinnabar red seals onto one of them before moving on to the next one.

He glanced over his shoulder, narrowing his eyes at the intrusion. Jan twisted his lips. Was he supposed to say something?

"I'm a friend of Mei's at her academy. Jan De Vries," he said. Wang Yao did nothing, but after an eternal minute, faced his documents again. He called for a handmaiden waiting in the shadows and whispered something. She listened and nodded before walking away. A few minutes later, she came back, a plate of carefully arranged dumplings in her hands as she placed them onto a table in the front. The peels were transparent, allowing him to see the bits of green chives pink pork inside, with an iridescent sheen reminding Jan of mother of pearl.

"Come eat," Wang Yao instructed, still sorting through his documents. "The peels are made from crushed pearls, made by the finest chefs of Korea. Have some. The Ma family has given gifts for 3 days nonstop, we could need some help eating all of this."

He frowned. No, there was no time for eating. "I'm here to talk about Mei. Have you asked her about this? The marriage." Wang Yao didn't answer straight away. Jan held his breath as the rustling of paper filled the gap.

"The Ma family is a good friend of ours. If I can be familiar with them, she can, too."

"But I don't think she'd… she'd like to."

"To like and to need are two independent actions. You're too young to understand." Jan frowned.

"... need? What do you mean?"

"To provide with her for everything she needs." Jan scrunched up his eyebrows, confused at his meaning until he realised that Yao meant marriage. A small flush bloomed across his face. But there was no time to correct him. Marriage or no marriage, the priority was to get Mei out her upcoming one. "Look at you, you look barely past 20. As a new graduate, I presume that you do not have a career. Unless you do?" Jan widened his eyes and twisted his lips, surprised at his bold statement. There was his merchant career… but he needed time to finish training.

"... not right now. But… I'm a merchant in training."

"Discussed this with your father yet?" No. He frowned- he was ashamed to admit it, but Wang Yao had a point. He couldn't just bring Mei with him back to the Netherlands right now.

"I… no. I haven't, sir. I've only found out about the marriage today."

"Only today?" He stamped onto another document. "The marriage had been planned for a couple of years. I'm surprised that she hadn't told you." Jan frowned. Was it? The only reason that Mei didn't tell him must've because it had always been at the back of her mind.

"Well it's likely she knew. But…"

"But what? You love her? What if she falls out of love with you?" Bitter fury boiled in his guts. "You only knew her for 3 years, but relationships fail. What will you do now?"

"But what makes you so sure that she wouldn't hate you after this!" He held back the rest. Out of a fit of anger, that had burst out of his mouth. Oh no.

Wang Yao turned his head around, his golden eyes piercing into his skull. "Hate me? How can you be so sure? You knew her only for 3 years, I knew Mei for her entire life. Yet you claim to know her better than I do?"

"No!" No… dear Lord. What has he done?

"You think you can give her everything? Do you think you can promise her a bright future? Do you think you can dictate her future when you barely knew her for 3 years?" He slammed the stamp onto the desk. "Your time is up, foreigner. Out."

Jan jolted when two guards grabbed him by the elbow.

"Wait, WAIT!" What about Mei?! She was expecting him! She was waiting for him!

The guards slammed the door shut, and dragged him away. He struggled with all of his might, but he failed to struggle out. Ignoring his cries of protest. Ignoring his tears.

They threw him out of the white courtyard walls. In the pitch dark night, he clawed, beaten onto the nail-crested gate. Even if the round nails pounded into his fist, rendering it pained, he still beated the door, crying Mei's name.

His sister found him early the next morning. The gate stained with blood, his clothes dirty with grime, and his cheeks streaked with tears.

China might seem a little mean, but Yao's just a very busy dad and does what he thinks is best.

Trivia: the dumpling scene's ripped out from the 1994 version of the butterfly lovers story, the lovers. A lot of the incoming chapters alludes that film, in fact.