Adam's walls came crashing down. They knew it was going to happen at some point and they were waiting for it. He was wound tight and trying to be everything to everyone, never slowing down, never saying no, never giving up and always picking up the pieces when everyone else fell but his foundation was crumbling. Kim found him sitting on the edge of their bed and he was shaking while trying to do up his cufflinks.
"Baby?" Kim called out to him but he didn't seem to hear. "Adam, Baby." When he finally looked up Kim could see the devastation on his face and she dropped down on her knees in front of her husband. "Oh Baby." She cradled his face.
"I can't do this."
"Yes you can." Quietly she took cufflinks from his hands and then bent down and kissed his hands. "Oh Baby, let go."
"I should've protected her, I shouldn't have let her go. She should be here, tonight should be her night."
"It is her night."
"No it's not, because she's not here."
"Adam, look at me." The pain in his eyes took her breath away. "This is not your fault. Nothing we could have done would have changed the outcome."
"We could have said no, not let them go away."
"Don't, don't do this Baby." They had talked about this before. You couldn't do 'what if's' because they never worked. 'What if we said no? Would they have gone anyway? What if they had the kids with them? What if they were in the car too?' They couldn't change what happened, no matter how many what if's or bargains you tried to made.
"I miss her Kim, I miss Polly, and I feel broken inside." The sob came from deep within.
"Of course you do, she was part of you. You were the most amazing Dad, you still are. I'm glad I chose you to be the father of both my children. They are incredible humans." Kim had to keep reminding him that he still had a son some days because he seemed to lose that when he got caught up in Polly. "Polly and Gus are incredible humans. Gus continues to amaze me everyday."
"No, she's dead Kim. She's not an incredible human, she's dead." He lashed out at Kim and pushed her away. "She's not fucking here and I can't handle it anymore."
"Don't Adam." Kim begged him. "Please don't say that, she is beautiful and incredible and she lives on in you and me and those four gorgeous children. I know your heart hurts everyday." Kim kissed his hands again. "I feel your heart hurting everyday. I see it."
"When does it stop?"
"It's never going to stop but you and I will do it together, okay?" She waited until he nodded. "I am grateful that I have you beside me through this nightmare. I am grateful for you."
"I'm sorry." Adam brushed the tears from his eyes and kissed his wife softly. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay Baby."
He took a deep breath. "You look beautiful by the way." Kim was already dressed, she was wearing blue and he knew why and that bought about a sweet sensation and an all encompassing pain.
"So do you."
"Yeah right?" Kim reached for his hand and slipped the cufflinks into place. There was always going to be a trigger and this was Adam's. Polly had given him those cufflinks; she had made them in High School and given them to him as a birthday present when she was thirteen. Adam didn't wear them often, mainly because he didn't wear suits all that much but he had worn them at Polly's wedding, he always wore them at her ball and he had worn them at her funeral. Tonight was the first time since then and Kim was a little surprised that he got them out.
"You are your most beautiful when you are a Dad." Kim ran her fingers over the cufflinks. "I remember the night she was born, like it was yesterday. You were so happy it was a girl, you kept telling me how perfect she was. Ten little fingers, ten little toes…"
"…and no little hose. Our little girl." It spilled out of him, the tears, the angst, the months of pain and heartache. "I've never felt a love like that. I didn't know it existed."
"It was overwhelming."
"I was terrified I'd fuck her up."
"We had her for 43 years, I never regretted one single moment of our time with Polly. I remember telling her the day she got married that I loved every single breath she took and I've adored every single breath you've taken as a father." Kim ran her hand over his cheek, dragging her fingers over his slight grey stubble. "Every breath you still take as a father and a grandfather…" her kiss was soft. "…and as a husband and a man. I love you Adam."
"You are perfect." He whispered.
They tried to embrace the night. It was all Polly and that's they way Sam would have wanted it. For him this night was always just about Polly and he always stood back and loved watching her shine. He fell in love with her here, or more in love with her anyway and knew after that first night that they had something special, something worth fighting for. Every year he celebrated the fact that an incredible woman had done all this and that woman was the love of his life, his wife.
They'd gone every year even when Polly was away and stood in for her but this night was different, they weren't just standing in for her anymore, they were honouring her. Heidi and Andrew came along while Hudson stayed home with the kids, it was too soon to leave them with a babysitter and Gus and Rhiannon also had a rare night out without Vivienne.
Alex had invited them and before they arrived at the dinner he spoke briefly to the audience. He explained that Polly's family would soon be joining them and he asked that they respect their privacy. While they appreciated people's well wishes they had requested that people didn't ask them about Polly and Sam's children. Adam had called him up and made the request without Kim's knowledge. Sam and Polly preferred to keep the children private, they were never photographed for publicity and Sam never showed their faces on his blog. He didn't even use their real names. Their names were out there now and people did want to know how they were going, it was only natural but they felt uncomfortable letting them be the face of this tragedy.
Alex knew Adam would talk about the children in his speech and hoped that will be enough to satisfy the curiosity. The reality of it was he was desperate to protect Kim, she found it difficult to manage. They didn't need people that they didn't know constantly asking them about their grandchildren. There was not a lot they could or would say, 'they are doing fine, thank you' it was relentless and didn't get any easier the more they talked about it.
Kim watched him talk; he amazed her daily. Still after all these years he did something everyday that surprised her. She loved him more and more everyday. How could she not? He was an incredible man with an incredible heart.
I know I have been here before. I stood here on behalf of my daughter for the past few years and tonight I still am here on behalf of Polly and also on behalf of her brother Angus and his wife Rhiannon, Sam's sister Heidi, his brother Andrew and Andrew's husband Dylan and with Kim my beautiful wife and the mother of my two beautiful children. She's also known as 'Hot Nan' FYI, by me anyway. She's MiMi to everyone else.
Usually I talk about how Abbey's death provided the catalyst for this night, all those years ago. Sixteen years ago Polly held her first fundraising dinner and we struggled to sell two hundred tickets, tonight I look out at 1200 people and it's a bit overwhelming I can tell you, overwhelming and absolutely amazing.
Tonight I want to tell you about the other side of the story. Polly's side.
What Abbey went through changed her, in ways that we can only imagine. It also changed my daughter. Watching her best friend fall apart, day by day was hard. Watching our daughter fall apart day by day was terrifying. And she did fall apart and then she got up one day and she got knocked down again and got up again and again.
Polly's strength was born through that experience.
Her strength was born when Abbey ran off the rails, the day the crap hit the fan and despite knowing that she had to be home by a certain time she stayed out until she found her friend and made sure she went home in one piece, and it was reinforced the night she received Abbey's suicide note via text message, when she turned up every single day at the hospital, when Abbey went home and when Polly was with her when she went back to school. Her strength faltered, she was young but it never gave out all together. We were proud of her; terrified for her and proud of her.
Someone was standing beside her through it all, her first boyfriend. Sam. He was always beside her, even on that very last day.
But she was strong, she followed her heart, she made her dreams come true, she made our dreams come true. Her determination to make Abbey's life mean something was impressive and she did. Abbey's life meant something and so did Polly's. Her life meant something; she left a legacy of this night, her programs that teach school children how to be resilient and be the face of a hero to someone in need and more importantly she left the legacy of her children. She may not have changed the world but she certainly changed her corner of it. Her motto was 'be that person.' – that person who picks someone up who needs it, that person who steps in to help someone who can't help themselves, be that person who helps those who are helping others.
My grandson was being bullied at school recently. He was the new kid, he was quiet, he had a strange little accent having grown up in Australia and he was sad and that made him a target and he struggled to fight against it. He had the heart of lion, the heart of his father and stood up to those bullies but they kept coming.
His sister, well she's got the spirit of her mother flowing through her veins, she was feisty from the day she was born and she helped a little boy struggling to help himself. Sure, I had to go deal with the Principal but it bought back memories of when Polly stood up for someone who couldn't stand up for herself, the day Polly stood up for Abbey. But I have never been prouder of those kids that day, like I was proud of their mother.
I never thought in a million years that a heart could break like mine broke. In all my years as a cop I sat across from people and broke their hearts, I broke the hearts of mothers and fathers and brother and sisters but I never thought I'd have to break my wife's heart. I tore the hearts of four beautiful children in half and we are trying to put them back together.
Polly and Sam had a love that would last their lifetime. It will last their children's lifetime. They created a world for them that was loving, supportive, fun, exciting, educational, interesting and showed them that belief in yourself, hard work, love, passion and courage are all you need. They chased their dreams, they loved each other and let it go and when the time was right they fell in love again. They built a life together and had dreams beyond this nightmare that we are now living.
Polly and Sam showed their children what loved looked like. I like to think they learnt some of that from us, because I can tell you I love my wife, with her broken heart and all. Sam's parents taught him about love. I loved my daughter, Sam's family loved him and we all loved them together.
Thank you for supporting Polly's dreams, you don't need to be the person who stands up and fights for someone who is struggling to fight for themselves, not everyone can be that person but you can be that person who supports the ones that can. That's what you are doing here tonight and that makes you just as important to Polly as anyone else. Bring what you can to the table, do your bit to change your corner of the world.
On a personal note, yes I know this whole speech has been personal but from Polly and Sam's heartbroken family…thank you for believing in our daughter's dream as much as we did. Our grandchildren are doing well, they have good days and bad days but they are together and they are loved beyond all reason.
Lola gave me a message to share with you. 'My Mom and Dad were our whole world. They loved us, laughed with us, taught us and made us feel special. They showed us how beautiful the world was and how there were good people waiting to do good things for people they didn't even know. They told us we could be whoever we wanted to be and that they would still love us. They laughed at our crazy but never wanted us to change. They made us feel like we mattered to them and that we had made them happy and proud. We love them with all our hearts, we miss them everyday and not a day goes by that we don't wait for them to come home.'
So for Charlotte, Mabel, Alfred and Iris Ruzek Hollister….please never give up making someone else's life better, or making your corner of the world a better place for someone who needs it and for the next generation.
Thank you for helping us keep Polly's dream alive.
Adam's voice was steady, he didn't waiver, he spoke from his heart only pulling out Lola's note to read and Kim was mesmerized. This wasn't the same man who just a few hours ago couldn't put his cufflinks on because he was so desperately broken.
Despite that not one person was left in any doubt of how much he was hurting because it was written on his face. It was in his shaking hands as he reached for Kim's and pulled her into his arms. "I'm so proud of you. No wonder Polly was an amazing woman, she had you as her father." Kim whispered in his ear and everyone gave them a moment.
"She had us."
They were overwhelmed when Alex announced that BraveHearts had set up a scholarship in Polly's name. The Polly Ruzek Hollister Scholarship would support young women and men who are trying to turn their lives around after suffering abuse and were trying to change their part of the world. Young people like Abbey. They would work for BraveHearts in programs designed to help build resilience, build networks and develop the skills to help them take the next steps into the world.
Initially the scholarship was funded by the generous donations that had been made in Polly and Sam's memory. They had requested that if people felt the need to send flowers or gifts to the children that those donations went to either BraveHearts or the Perth Open Range Zoo Foundation, which had set up the MACI Foundation in Sam's name. They were hoping to find a permanent sponsor for the scholarship in the not too distant future and were hoping that tonight might help.
"Dance with me?" Adam held out his hand.
It felt nice to be in his arms. Life hadn't been easy for them lately; it had been the hardest thing they had ever done. Raising two children, having dangerous jobs, losing their baby had pushed them to the edge on several occasions. Over the years they had drifted together and apart, not too far that they lost touch with each other but just far enough to make them stop and think if it was what they wanted anymore and the answer was always yes. They always stepped back towards each other and they wouldn't have contemplated not being together but it wasn't easy.
Nothing compared to losing their daughter though, that beautiful baby who grew into a stunning woman. Who had filled their hearts and souls with joy and gave them four beautiful grandchildren who they adored. They missed her, every single day.
They didn't talk; they just danced. Kim felt safe here, Adam had always made her feel safe, he'd always protected her, provided shelter from the harsh world, and he made her laugh and cry. He loved her for all her grace and beauty and faults. He loved her at her worst and at her best. He didn't remember not loving her and he didn't want too.
He loved her with all her broken pieces.
"Can I cut in?" Gus tapped his Dad on his shoulder. "I've got an awesome dance partner for you. She's a little slow and awkward."
"Bring me your woman." He stepped aside and swept his daughter-in-law from his son's hands. Briefly he watched Kim dance with her son. Kim as a mother was his favourite version of her and for so long he had watched her be a mother and a grandmother and been enthralled. She never looked more beautiful than when she had her children in her arms. Right now she looked beautiful and almost happy. Almost.
He turned his attention to his daughter-in-law. "You're not slow and awkward, it's a pity Gus didn't get my dancing genes."
Rhiannon laughed. She never thought she'd be lucky enough to meet someone and have a family like this. They had embraced her from the start and she felt part of them. It had drifted a little lately with all that was going on and in the early days after Polly and Sam's accident it was hard. Gus spent a lot of time with his parents and Polly's children. He was devastated by his sister's death and then became obsessed with making sure all their financial needs were sorted. For Rhiannon, being in the early stages of a much-wanted pregnancy just made things more difficult.
That was behind them now and she felt more comfortable and Gus had turned a corner. Viv had missed her grandparents and the kids had made things hard for her in those initial few weeks and she couldn't blame them. Their whole world was torn apart and they clung to their MiMi and Pops. Viv was six though and didn't understand why everything had suddenly changed for her.
"I wished he had. He's got two left feet."
"I tried, but he preferred baseball to ballet." Adam spun her around slowly. "Lucky he got some other good genes from me."
"Lucky for me." Rhiannon grabbed Adam's hand and rested it on her sizeable bump and he felt the baby kicking.
A smile lit up his face, he looked happy. "Wowsers GS2 is liking this dancing thing."
"Grandson 2 right?"
Adam through his head back and whooped for joy. "I always knew you were a smart woman, a perfect fit for this motely crew."
"You spoke beautifully."
Suddenly it changed and he looked a little wistful. "It's weird, it's the hardest things I've ever had a deal with, its this never-ending pain yet talking about Polly is easy. Does that make sense?"
"It does." Rhiannon stood on her tiptoes and kissed her father-in-law on the cheek. "It does."
"Now, has Gus talked to you about little Adam junior in here?" He patted her stomach again and changed the subject. He felt himself circling the grief drain lately and it scared him.
"He may have mentioned once or twice that you would try your luck."
"Neither of my kids showed me any respect." He laughed and spun Rhiannon away from him again. "I can't wait to meet him."
"What if it's another girl?"
"Then this Pops is one lucky man. I mean look at my harem, it's fucking spectacular." While everyone would love another little boy if it was a girl, and this family knew how to make girls, they would love it like no other.
It was a big night in more ways than one. It was Kim and Adam's first night away from the kids. They were staying at home with Hudson and Heidi would stay there with them while Kim and Adam had a night in a hotel. They thought they deserved it, not once had they faltered in the last few months and they had been there for the kids every single day. It took a lot of convincing and the kids weren't impressed. Mae and Alfie struggled the most; Lola thought it was a nice idea and did her best to calm the other two down. Iris was okay however they were bracing for a shit fight when she woke up in the morning and her MiMi and Pops weren't there.
"This feels a bit weird?" Kim held onto Adam's hand as the elevator took them up to their floor.
"I don't feel weird. I feel just a little bit excited."
Adam opened the door and let Kim in first. The room was beautiful; the views over Chicago were stunning. A huge bed dominated the room, taking in the sweet view of the down town lights. It was the city that they had bled on, protected and fought for but right now it seemed so small and insignificant. Kim stood at the window in the darkened room. "Beautiful." Adam whispered.
"It is isn't it?"
"Not the view, you." Sliding his arms around her waist he leant his chin on her shoulder. "You are more beautiful every day. I'm glad I've spent the past 45 years loving you."
"So long, yet so quick." Kim felt for the necklace. Adam had been surprised when she came downstairs wearing it, a few times lately he had found Kim holding it in her hands but she had never worn it. Adam rested his hand over hers and started swaying lightly.
Then he started to sing softly in her ear…
The way you soothe me when I'm in pain
The way you make the blood rush in my veins
The way the winds rush through the trees
Well hey, that's the way you belong to me
Kim closed her eyes, held his hand over her heart and leaned back against her husband and let it wash over her. The tears streamed down her face and she didn't stop them, the feeling of Adam's tears on her shoulder bought her comfort and more than just a little pain.
"You remembered?"
"I've never forgotten that day. It was perfect." Even to this day they never regretted their wedding. They didn't regret waiting until after Polly was born, they didn't regret the party in the backyard with their closest friends and family. It felt right and it felt like them.
"You are perfect."
"Darlin', I'm perfect for you, that's all." He spun her around in his arms and kissed her tear stained cheeks. "Tonight I want to pretend that nothing has changed."
"Well one thing hasn't changed." Kim placed a hand over his heart. "This…" bending down slightly she kissed his chest, breathing him all in. "…your heart."
"Nope…it still beats for you."
Kim rolled over to snuggle into Adam but the bed was empty. Adjusting her eyes to the gloom she spotted him sitting by the window staring out over the Chicago skyline. Quietly she slipped out of bed and the moment she laid her hand on his bare back he crashed, all his walls came down and her husband broke.
All his pain and grief and heartache spilled out in deep guttural sobs. He was in agony and all Kim could so was hold on. His tears ran down her chest as she cradled his head close to her heart. "Let it out Baby."
"I'm scared."
"Of what?"
"That I can't do this."
Kim was starting to panic. Adam didn't often get this way. The last time he was so scared and frightened was when Abbey died and they didn't know what was going to happen with Polly. They were scared for her and Adam had been so determined to be there for her all through the whole tumultuous months that he finally cracked. It felt like he was there again. "Adam, can't do what?"
"Keep pretending that I am okay, I'm not okay. I miss her Kim, I miss them and I don't want to look at those kids anymore and see their broken hearts. I don't want to pretend that everything is going to be okay."
"We can get through this together."
Adam hadn't even looked at her, he was still just staring out the window but she knew he appreciated her slow and steady touch as she held and stroked his neck. "I am so fucking angry at her, at Sam and I hate myself for that." Kim had been there herself, the anger was part of the process. There was no point even trying to interrupt him, Adam had to get it out. Otherwise it was always going to fester inside him and destroy him. "What sort of person hates their daughter for dying? I blame Sam and that is fucking bullshit. I sit and tell those kids it wasn't his fault and then I realise that maybe it was."
"You tell those kids it wasn't Sam's fault because it wasn't and I know you know that."
"Yeah?" he nodded sadly. "Still fucking hurts though Kim."
"I don't think it is ever going to not hurt." Kim kissed his bare shoulder. "He would have done anything for her, if there was a remote chance he could have saved her he would have, even if it meant that he didn't survive. Sam would have saved Polly if he could."
Adam suddenly snapped and pushed her away. "Don't." The word came out twisted and angry. "Don't touch me. I hate this."
"Adam, Baby." Kim came right back for more. She wasn't scared of him despite his obvious anger at the moment but she was terrified for him. "Adam, please just breathe. Look at me." He ignored her. "Adam look at me."
The look on his face was indescribable. It was pained look she had never seen before and Kim's insides were scrambled but she had to stay calm. "You loved Polly, you always will. You don't hate her, you don't hate Sam, but please don't hate me and more than anything please don't hate yourself."
"I don't hate you."
"I need you."
"No you don't. You are doing fine."
"I am not fine, not even close but I am trying. Charlotte, Mabel, Alfred and Iris need me to try, they need you too."
"What if I fail?"
"I always remember Polly telling me that when Sam came back that they decided they had to try and even if they failed that's better than giving up without a fight. They had to try and we have to try because what are our choices? Leave our daughter's children to twist in the wind?"
"No, but you know one day we won't be here anymore and that's just more people they've lost."
"Adam, please stop this. This is life and yes it is fucked. They shouldn't be without Polly and Sam but they are and we can't change that, you can't rewrite the past. Now they have us and I for one am not sitting around wondering if tomorrow is my last day. I can't do it and I won't do it."
"I wish I had your strength."
"Adam, you do. Today is not great for you; tomorrow will be better. You miss them hey?" Kim curled her hand through his and bought his fingers up to her lips and kissed them.
"Kim..." She knew he thought she was talking about Polly and Sam but she wasn't. He was struggling being away from the kids. His need to protect them now had a powerful grip on him. This was the first time they were away from them overnight and Adam wasn't coping with that at all. She knew him that well.
"No, you miss our little mob."
Adam pulled her into his lap. "How do you do it?"
"Do what?" Kim snuggled into his neck.
"Know what I am thinking, what I need?"
"Because, you said it before. I've loved you for 45 years, all of you. I know you, I know how you breathe, how you think, how your heart beats. I know you Adam and I love you."