Lucy headed to the guild hall early in the morning. Frankly, she was waiting all night for the morning to finally come seeing as she desperately needed a distraction. She dabbed some extra make-up under her eyes to cover up the bags and went on her way to a place that brought her happiness. The near-relapse moment she had last night was still playing through her mind, but the thoughts wouldn't come back at the guild, right?
Entering the guild hall, she was greeted by the familiar faces of Mira and Erza.
"Good morning Lucy!," Mira said happily, "You're here early. Did Natsu wake you up again?" she asked with a bubbly giggle.
"No, not this time," Lucy responded with a false tone of relief in her voice, "Isn't he out on a job?" she inquired.
"No? He came back yesterday. He didn't tell you?" Mira replied with a small head tilt.
"No he didn't," Lucy uttered, her hands fidgeting with her skirt. Normally, when Natsu comes back from solo missions, he always tells her the second he comes back and he always tells her everything about it. Why didn't he say anything this time? Her thoughts started running, and before she knew it, her 'Dark Lucy' was back.
He didn't tell you because he fucking hates you. He hates you and you know it. You're worthless, you're terrible, and he hates you," it spat. Lucy started to shake her head rapidly to shake the thoughts away.
'That's not true-', she thought, but was interrupted by an immediate rebuttal.
"It's not? Then why didn't he tell you but he told everyone else? He just got tired of being around a worthless sack of shit like you. You deserve to be punished for this. You should go home and cut yourself."
She started shaking her head more vigorously and started digging her nails into her palms. She's been clean for a year, she can't ruin it now. She can't!
"Lucy, what's the matter?" Mira inquired, picking up on her odd behavior. Lucy stopped and peered at the older mage. She was giving Lucy a confused and concerned stare, which simply made her more anxious.
"Now she thinks you're a freak. You psycho. You deserve to pay, you deserve to feel pain, go cut yourself. Do it. Do it," her thoughts sparked again. She started shaking her head once more.
"Lucy! What's wrong?" Erza imposed. Lucy stopped once more, and this time received the strength to reply,
"Nothing! Nothing...I'm just...sleepy!" she muttered anxiously. Erza and Mira both gave her suspicious stares, but didn't press the issue. Lucy was relieved that she got out of that situation, but her mind had a bone to pick with that.
"See? They don't care about you! They know you're upset but they don't care! No one cares about you and no one loves you! Go cut yourself you ugly bitch and maybe you'll be able to redeem your self worth as a human being!" her thoughts scolded sharply, the words slicing through her self esteem like knives.
Lucy gagged as her thoughts ran wild with commands of self harming and reminders of her self worth. She couldn't take this anymore. Who cared if she was 1 year clean. No one even knew about it except her and the servants she no longer lives with. No one would care!
"I think I left something at home. I'll be right back," Lucy announced quickly. She wasted no time briskly walking out of the guild all the way back home. She slammed her front door behind her and dashed to the kitchen as if she were racing with herself. She forcefully tugged open the knife drawer, yanking it out of the socket. The loud crash rang through the entire apartment, but Lucy paid no mind to it as she reached towards the largest knife. She was abruptly snapped out of her trance by a familiar voice,
"Luce, what are you doing?" It was Natsu, his head poking out from the refrigerator he was raiding. Lucy dropped the knife in shock, her heart beating out of her chest as beads of sweat collected on her forehead.
"What the fuck is he doing here? He's ruining our plans! You need to do this now! Get him out!" the thoughts buzzed.
"What are you doing here?" Lucy whimpered with a quivering voice, "wh-what did I t-t-tell you about c-coming in uninvvvvvited!" she stuttered angrily.
"Well, I came to tell you how my job went! I didn't get to tell you yesterday cause Happy was whining about wanting to go home, so I came over the second I woke up!" Natsu put his food down on her counter and closed her fridge, turning to face her, "But Luce, why were coming here so fast for a knife? Did you need to cut something open?" he asked.
The last thing he said ran through her mind, playing over and over like a record player. Cut something open...cut something open...cut..her skin open...cut...Her thoughts amplified these words. Lucy's hands started to shake, her line of sight heading to the fallen knives. Natsu was observant enough to notice her hands and slowly reached to hold them.
"Hey," he spoke calmly, "what's wrong?" he lightly grasped them.
"He doesn't care about what's wrong!" her thoughts yelled at her, "He's only saying this so he doesn't look like he hates you! He hates you! He's stopping you from what you need to do! He hates you!", it repeated.
Lucy was overwhelmed with so much happening internally that she lost control of herself and snapped. She snatched her hands away quickly and glared at her friend in front of her,
"Get the fuck away from me! Get out! Get out right now!", she shouted at the top of her lungs, "Get out Natsu get the fuck out of my house!" Tears were starting to flow down her cheeks.
Natsu flinched at the sudden extreme reaction from her, "Woah, woah, did I do something wrong?" he asked, trying to maintain his composure as to not aggravate her any more than she already was.
Lucy simply got even angrier. He was still here. Why was he still here?
"Get out get out get out get out get out!" she repeated, her entire body shaking more intensely at this point.
Natsu was both scared and confused. Sure, Lucy would be angry whenever he'd break in, but she's never reacted like this. There was something going on and he knew it. He was determined to find out what it was.
"Lucy, something's wrong. Tell me." he demanded in a softly stern voice.
"Shut the fuck up! Leave! Leave!" she wailed, her face turning red. All the screaming and crying was taking up so much of her energy that she no longer had enough strength to keep standing. She fell to her knees and hugged them close to her as her sobs got louder and louder.
Natsu being the persistent, dense person that he is decided that he should keep pushing her until he got an answer from her. He got down to her level and sat next to her,
"I'm not going to leave until you tell me what happened." he stated.
Lucy no longer had the energy to continue the screaming, so all she could do was cry. She knew she wouldn't be able to get him to leave no matter what she did, so she would have to come up with a Plan B Natsu seemed completely focused on her crying eyes, so Lucy took the opportunity amidst his distraction to slyly grab a knife from the fallen drawer and tuck it to her side. Her sobs covered the sounds of the soft metal clanging that would have otherwise been swiftly picked up by the dragon slayer. She proceeded to hide the knife by tucking it in the back of her skirt and pulling her shirt over it. The action itself simply looked as if she was just adjusting herself so it didn't look suspicious.
After the knife was concealed, she slowly stood up with her shaky legs and dashed to her bathroom as fast as she could, locking the door behind her. Natsu attempted to grab at her before she could run off, but he was unable to catch her.
Natsu sighed, finally understanding that if he was going to get something out of her, it would have to be another day.
"Okay Luce, fine. You win this time, but I'll find out what's wrong and I'll help you. I swear I will." he mumbled, briefly resting his forehead against the bathroom door before exiting her flat through her window. He could feel the intense worry build up inside of him. He knew something was wrong and his instincts told him Lucy was in danger, but if she was hiding like that, then there was nothing he could do. Pushing her even more would have been even worse.
The second Lucy heard her window close, she swiftly pulled out the knife she picked up and examined it. She admired the metallic glimmer of the light shining against her old teenagehood companion and ran her thumb against the blade end.
"What are you waiting for?" her mind whispered, "It's been a year. Do it." it commanded.
Lucy instantly lifted up her shirt and pressed the blade against her smooth skin, the familiar sharp stinging sensation running through her body, stimulating a shiver throughout her body. As she slowly dragged it along her abdomen, small little droplets of blood began to appear on the surface of her skin. She pulled the knife away and peered at the small sliver of a slice slowly filling itself with red. The wound stung, but in a way that was relieving.
"Nice job! Now do it again. You have a lot to make up for!" her mind sung. Lucy was in a complete state of numbness and delirium as she swiped the knife across her stomach, littering it with streaks of blood. She had no control over her actions. Even if she wanted to stop, she couldn't, but why would she want to? She felt so good, so at home, so familiar. Why stop?