As before, so now. I own nothing. This little story was just something that I had floating around in my head but Sailormoon belongs to someone else. It's a beautiful world to play in though. Thank you and enjoy.
Mamoru was in the back of The Crown helping Motoki clear off the boxes from the back as the as he ran his mouth. Motoki was Mamoru's best friend, after all of the years and all that they had gone through. Motoki was also still talking to him, which Mamoru really needed now. Mamoru had come in the middle of the day after hiding out in his apartment for two days avoiding all of the other people that inhabited Tokyo, to whine (if we're being honest) to Motoki about how unfair this whole situation was. After two days of feeling like the worst person ever for the tears in Usagi's eyes Mamoru's thoughts started to drift a little more towards a more indignant and comfortable answer to the problem. I mean, it wasn't his fault that he was trapped and tricked into a dishonest situation, asked a question he didn't want to answer by someone he was sure now that he shouldn't trust. Demande was the devil, someone who definitely could not be trusted he'd told Motoki as much. Almost throwing the box on the other side of the room with the little burst of anger he'd felt. This whole thing could have been avoided if Usagi had just asked him herself, this was the point he'd just made that Motoki was looking at him rather sheepishly, weighing his words carefully. Not breaking eye contact, Motoki talked slowly. "Now I'm not saying that Usagi shouldn't have asked you. I'm actually kind of surprised she didn't, she's usually so forthright and honest. It really kind of sounds like Mina…" Motoki sort of trailed off. Catching the slightly annoyed look on the dark haired man's face Motoki continued on, "But don't you also think that you would have had to admit it to someone at some point?" At this fairly obvious point, though Motoki looked at the other boxes in the room, slightly concerned, Mamoru though looked hard at the wall right behind Motoki's ear. "I mean, how did you think it would happen? You were going to just keep buying her cakes and you wake up one day, married and moved in together?" Mamoru spluttered a little at the accusation. "You don't even eat cakes, buddy." Motoki said in the way of an apology, with a small shrug. Mamoru leaned against a shelf in the smallish storage room, staring at the ground.
"In my defense - it is Usako. If cake were enough to woo anyone it would be her." Mamoru muttered a half assed defense but really it was all that he had. Squinting his eyes, he allowed himself to wonder how he would have imagined it happening. Being caught in a hallway by a white haired man who asked him to confess is love through riddles and forward questions weren't really how he would have imagined it. "Why couldn't I have just bought her cakes until she accidently moved in with me? I can see it now, just slowly leading her down the halls in my apartment with cakes lined up to the doors, and then I'd just set up a bakery in my apartment." He spoke a little faster as he got closer to the end of the thought, shoving his hands in his pockets, wishing beyond hope that something like that would even be a possibility. Motoki chuckled, an almost sad look in his eyes. Rubbing his hands over his eyes, he went back to picking up the boxes, helping Motoki clear at the last of the supplies that had come in earlier that morning. All of the messes made were cleared up and Mamoru's spirits were a little bit better. "Demande is still the devil." He mumbled after a moment, to which Motoki just chuckled. Mamoru knew that all of the reasons that all of this went south were squarely on his own shoulders but a man could dream.
In retrospect it was incredibly short sighted, she reflected later, to go to the one place where they knew there was a good change Mamoru would be. The desire to get even was strong in Minako, and since Mamoru had hurt Usagi's feelings, and it was at least a little (a lot) her fault, Mina at least wanted to show Mamoru that Usagi could bounce back quickly. This was all a monstrous lie. Usagi was being a little more chipper a couple of days later but her smile wasn't meeting her eyes and she would get all quiet and space out if she was left alone for too long. Or if Seiya was talking on and on and on about himself, which is what he was currently doing now. Mina aimed a sharp, quick kick at him under the table, her mouth pursed as her eyes darted to Usagi sitting beside him in the booth. Rei, who was sitting in between her and Ami rolled her eyes, she hadn't been a fan of either of the schemes Minako had dreamt up. Rei liked Seiya well enough but this whole idea seemed to be a little too hair brained to be something that would end well. It also wasn't lost on Rei or Ami that the odanged girl's big blue eyes kept scanning towards the front door, and her eyes would lose a little sparkle whenever the dark haired man she was searching for wasn't the one that waltzed through the doors.
As Mina drew Seiya's attention towards Usagi, his eyes took on a sad note when he noticed that Usagi's interest wasn't on him. Throwing his arm over her shoulder, Seiya drew Usagi in close to his side, trying to hide the disappointment he felt when she never really relaxed into his side. A moment later, Seiya felt her fully stiffen and pull away. She darted up and out the door in under a second and the next second the story Seiya had been telling died on his lips as Usagi darted out of the booth after a man who had an ugly green jacket thrown over his shoulder. Seiya's eyes slid to Minako, who just looked a little sad and shrugged. Seiya also knew this whole plan was garbage to start with, and now he was staring at this soda and Usagi's milkshake and wishing he had brought something stronger to drink. Seiya had only been dumped once before, by Usagi actually, and he didn't like it then. He didn't really love it now but he had known it was a long shot. Usagi was always a long shot, but damn if that wasn't some of the fun of it. He'd half thought of chasing her but whatever was about to happen between his Dumpling and Mamo-baka, Seiya knew that it wasn't something that he needed to be a part of. Minako and the other three shot him a look but he shrugged; he'd done what he could, he wasn't that much of a masochist.
Mamoru had been in good spirits coming out of the back with Motoki, granted nothing had really been changed or accomplished but it was nice to not feel so alone. Mamoru's heart clenched at the realization at just how alone he was use to feeling. He did have a few friends and was well-respected, overall. An athlete and an academic prodigy really, he was well off but with all of that he didn't really think he was well liked. He was cold and distant more often than he should be, he knew he was good looking, if he weren't he'd been overlooked more often than he was. He worked very hard to be overlooked, attention made him uncomfortable. He was quiet, good at not really wanting anything more than what he could prove that he had earned.
Except…
Usako.
The thought matched the girl setting in the booth towards the front of the Arcade, and Mamoru felt his heart stop. It's a concerning thing to feel your heart break and not all breaks are the same. Some are violent and explosive, others – this one – are more silent but they're deadly. It felt like his ears were ringing and breathing was activity he was no long sure he knew how to accomplish. Usagi was sitting in a booth, almost directly in his line of sight when he stepped out from the back, like she was placed there by cruel and uncaring fates, but she hadn't noticed him yet. Around her shoulders sat a man's arm, his long dark hair pulled back from his face into a ponytail at his neck, and his face laughing and carrying on as he told a story that made the whole table laugh. Everyone except Usako, Usako's face was sad. Usagi's eyes were glazed over, a small twitch whenever the door opened, and she'd glance towards the door, her eyes fluttering back sadly to her hands on the table top as she twisted them uncomfortably. Everything about her just looked sad to Mamoru, which didn't help his stomach as it plummeted down to his feet. He noticed that Seiya just kept talking about who knows or who cares what, not noticing the sadness in Usagi's face, but that he pulled Usagi closer despite it all, and at the moment Mamoru felt like he was floating in space. Nothing felt real, the tightness in his face as it heated up and his throat tightened, he felt his hands start to shake and before he could embarrass himself any further he grabbed his jacket from behind the counter. As he moved to put it on and try to slink through the front door, Usagi's sad crystal blue eyes met his own and widened in shock.
For a split second Mamoru felt his feet falter, caught in Usako's gaze and he almost mimicked an infamous Odango klutz attack, before his feet caught up with his shame and moved him forward and out the door. He needed to get space between them; he was certain before that any chance he would have had to fix this situation was slender but Seiya's arm around Usako helped slam home the fact that his chances were negligible from the get go. His throat was tight as he felt tears blur his vision, his feet carrying him towards his house on muscle memory. It took him a minute in his haze of self-deprecation to hear the small voice calling out for him from behind but she soon caught up with him and grabbed him by the wrist. Whatever she was preparing when she twirled him around and saw the pure and exposed pain on his face, her words died in her throat, and in her infinite mercy she grabbed his hand instead and led him down the street towards his own apartment.
Her hand was small and soft, and tethered him more securely to the earth, he thought as he stared at their connected hands, his heart beating again in his chest a little more strongly than before or was strictly necessary, really. He couldn't stop examining the tiny little hand in his own, her pink nail polish chipped slightly from the way she had been messing with her fingers in the arcade. Her hair was following behind her, the blonde hair in sharp contrast to the dark shirt she was wearing and the light pink skirt that stopped a few inches above her knee. The smell of chocolate wafted off of her, Mamoru wondered lightly if she bathed in the milkshakes Motoki gave her. Or maybe she had just inhaled so many of them they'd replaced her blood supply. The thought made Mamoru want to chuckle, if the weight of the current situation wasn't cutting off his oxygen supply. As they came to the front of his apartment Usagi turned and looked up at him, motioning for him to enter the code and let them in. Which he did with a twitch of his jaw as he bit down and ground his teeth together, he felt like he was leading himself to the gallows. His executioner wasn't quite five feet tall and didn't look like she could wield an axe, but he wasn't stupid. He was well aware of the fact that any happiness he'd find in this life was dependant on what happened next. And he was even more thankful for her small warm hand keeping him grounded as he mentally spiraled. He opened his mouth six or seven times just trying to work up the courage to apologize, but all he managed was a groan once that reminded him rather embarrassingly of a dying animal. She hadn't let go of his hand as they stepping into the elevator, and he automatically pushed the number to his floor, squeezing her hand as he did.
The noise he had made and the squeezing of her hand brought her attention up to his face, and she gave him a small smile as she moved over a little closer to him. His throat still felt tight and his face was still a little red, but his tears had dried up as they walked. He still didn't really dare to try to talk but he did manage a small "Hey," which sounded more like a croak when it did finally come out. Usagi gave him a tight smile, which still didn't go all of the way to her eyes but seemed more natural than the one at the crown with Seiya. They didn't make any more noise as they reached his door and he unlocked it.
The light filtered in from the large glass window bathed his living room in a golden light, which Usagi walked right into after she took off her shoes. She didn't sit down though; it seemed that now that they were alone and in his apartment her nerves had finally caught up to her. Instead she stood in front of the couch, and then walked slowly over to the window, looking at Tokyo bathed in a golden light as the sun started to set. Turning towards him, she leaned her back against the window, turned her head a little to the side and asked, "Mamo-Chan are you alright?" She voiced sounded small and unsure, which was a new side of her Mamoru hadn't really seen before. In all the time that they had spent together, Usagi was also sure of herself; she was loud and bubbly and throwing caution to the wind.
Always.
It was almost a guarantee in life that she would come running into a room her blonde hair trailing behind her, knock herself and something else over, make a mess, scream and through her arms around whichever of her friends happened to be closest. Usagi could teach a class about how to enjoy each and every moment of life, because that is always what she did. To see her like this, so reserved and sounding so unsure, and to know that the reason for this was himself made Mamoru hang his head. The tears that he thought evaporated returned as his throat constricted again. He felt himself collapse on his couch and stare directly at the blank screen of the TV. He didn't know where he wanted to start. But all that he could think have been the truth was a good place to begin, so he said, "I've never been less alright, Usako."
He heard her breathe catch, and watched the doubt that played out as she moved to walk towards him but then leaned back against the window. Finally, she turned back to look outside and asked with more confidence than before, "Do you want to talk about it?" A question that's only response was Mamoru grinding his teeth again, and stare even harder at the blank television across from him. He heard Usagi's head thunk against the glass as she accepted that he wasn't going to answer, a small sniffle letting him know that his silence wasn't the right response. "I knew that you wouldn't be willing to talk on the street in front of everyone, but I was kind of hoping that you would be more willing to talk just you and me." Her tone sounded so defeated, and Mamoru felt his whole body tense in response. She was quiet for a moment, then steeling herself she walked over to in front of him and sat on her knees on the floor, placing her head gently on his leg and turning her head to look up into his eyes. She steadying her breathe as he moved his hands from his own head to the back of her neck, softly playing with the curls of her hair at the nape of her neck. She disarmed him with her familiarity and how well she knew him and before he had the sense to stop it the words, "Then why didn't you ask me if I wanted to be with you yourself?" His tone was accusatory, the little island of anger he'd managed to discover in this situation being the place he'd suddenly decided to firmly plant himself.
"Sometimes Mamoru-baka you're so much like a wounded animal, so skittish." She smiled as she looked up at him, he shot her a look, and this felt a little more like their normal. "I don't know if you're really aware of his Baka-san but I am also rather attached to you now. I didn't want you to feel compelled to tell me what you'd think I'd want to hear. I didn't want to ruin the friendship that we did have by pushing you into something that you maybe didn't want." She said forcing her voice to stay calm, which might have been convincing if she wasn't staring right into Mamoru's eyes, so he saw all of the fear that was coursing through her. She pulled herself back, sitting out of his reach as his hand settled on his leg, "Not having you around is worse than having your around as just friends. These last few days have been…" She faltered out, twisting her hands in her lap.
"Hell." He supplied. "These last few days have been some of the worst of my life." His eyes met hers as the hand on his leg slowly reached up to cup her face. Usagi's eyes were startled but became slowly more hooded as he slowly traced her lips. She leaned into his hand for a second as she suddenly she cleared her throat, her cheeks pink and stared hard at the ground by his feet.
"I can respect that maybe this isn't for you what it is for me, Mamo-Chan and if all you want is to be friends, I can and I will accept that." Tears formed in her eyes, and Mamoru's heart thudded to a dead halt in his chest, "But right now, I am rather mad at you and I need to know if you are ashamed of me. You were very negative about me having kissed someone before. I thought, at the very least," She murmured and shot him a look, "that we were friends; you shouldn't be so judgmental about me having been kissed before. There's no way you haven't been kissed. It's rude and hypocritical."
He felt something in him snap a little at the idea of Usagi being mad at him. Staring at the ceiling he felt himself laugh in a way that betrayed the dismay he felt bubbling up in his chest. "Usagi-san," He felt her pull up sharply at being addressed so formally, her eyes wide, her little mouth opened in an o. "I'm not a fool; I know that I don't deserve you. That was something that I was aware of before I knew that you attracted pro sport stars and pop idols. That really just drove the whole thing home. I'm not rich or famous, or well accomplished." Her eyes went from the floor to his face, searching to see if he was being serious. Even with the tears in her eyes, he could see the fire itching to come out. Her eyes narrowed, and she stood above him.
"How is it that you've decided all by yourself what I want and what I deserve?" She asked, her shoulders square, "The people that I've kissed before were wonderful humans that I'm still friends with," Mamoru made a scoffing noise, the image of Seiya's arm around her shoulders still fresh in his mind, Usagi's jaw clenched. "Jealous Mamoru?" She asked derisively, "Yes, Seiya and Hakura have kissed me and they're still friends, and yes they're very accomplished in their careers but you know what? I don't need to be with someone famous! That's not what I want out of a relationship. Yes, they're rich and well off, but I would rather have something that I've helped work for and help build. Being rich and famous that's not what I need. I need to be with someone who sees me, who knows who I am. Someone who challenges me and helps me grow. Someone who knows what my favorite kind of cake is, and will let me destroy their kitchen to make a romantic dinner, someone who will hold me when there's a thunderstorm, just someone who loves me, Mamo-Chan!" Usagi had been standing in front of him, her voice rising becoming more and shriller, her cheeks were red. She'd leaned forward, poking him in the shoulder as she accentuated different things that she did actually want.
Being called out in such a brutal fashion, his self-depreciation was so far off the mark, Mamoru felt something like delirium. Mamoru wasn't an idiot, he knew he had emotions. He usually just kept them tied up and hidden under his bed in an exceptionally tricky puzzle box, probably not the best way for dealing with things but then again they didn't really hand out classes for healthy coping mechanisms. But Usagi leaning over him, her mouth screwed up, still looking so damn beautiful. He felt a new kind of need, one that he had only really felt with her. His hand grabbed her wrist and pulled her down to him. His arms went around her waist, hugging him to her, her knees on either side of his legs. She was stiff for a moment, caught by surprise, in his arms when her arms went around his neck, a small sniffle pulling him close. She sighed into his shoulder, her head heavy on him as her breathe tickled his neck and his hands caressed the skin right above her knee. Pulling back to look into his eyes, she rested her forehead on his, "Mamo-Chan, can you maybe see how this isn't helping me decide what we are doing here?"
"Usako, I am so sorry," He started, worried that he wasn't sure where he was going with this, but knowing that hiding under his bed with these feelings would be a mistake. She relaxed into him more with his apology out, so soft and small. He felt his brain turn to mush a little as she did so. His heart hammered in his chest, as he felt the words brewing in his brain started pouring out of his mouth.
"I am in love with you and being in love with you is like being in love with light Usako, and I don't care about who you have ever kissed before. Even earlier today if that's the case," Mamoru said with a sad look in his eyes, but still he continued with a scowl "I am more mad at myself that I've never worked up the courage to ask you for a kiss myself, because I've wanted one for ages now. I've stared at your lips in my dreams." He admitted sheepishly, his thoughts coming out jumbled. Usagi tried and failed to suppress a giggle. She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek, once on each side. He felt himself gulp and his mouth kept spilling words. It should be a crime how warm and soft her mouth was."You really are like being in love with light. You're so damn bright, Usako. You're warm and comfortable and love. But for me, it's like finding light after I've been living in the dark so long. It's everything I could have ever wanted, but it's a surprise. I wasn't expecting to find light there. And I know that there's no way I deserve of being in your light. I can't add to that. I'm carrying so much emptiness, Usako. I don't want to make you cry or hurt you, and I've done that already, I don't know how to do this right. But you bring my comfort Usagi; you carry my peace in your soul."
Her body pressed fully into his as her mouth covered his own, a full giggle escaping her mouth as she pulled back. Her hair tickled his arms, her eyes still had tears but her smile is finally reflected in her eyes. Something that makes Mamoru's heart skip forward in his chest, knowing that he has the power to make her smile like that, as he leaned slowly forward capturing her lips with his again. She did taste like chocolate milkshake. "So to answer the question that you still didn't ask," he said with more humor and than disdain, "I think I want from this the same thing that I hope that you do." Usagi's face turned a delightful shade of pink. "And I have never been ashamed of you Usako. You're the best thing in my life. I'd like to keep you there if you don't mind."
She kissed him again, nodding as her hands threaded in with his, scooting forward more and her hair tickled his face, all giggles and kisses. Things that we empty could be filled with light, especially light this strong, warm and bright. Usagi was light that was filling, Mamoru thought as he smiled from ear to ear. After a moment she stood up, pulling him up with her, grinning, "Hey Mamo-Chan," her grin turning slightly wicked, "Want to go get me a piece of cake?" Nodding, Mamoru wondered if putting in a bakery was all together out of the question.
(A/N – So I don't know if this is going to be where I end it or not. For now this is all that I have planned for this little story. I might work on a little bit of a tie up for the rest of the characters if anyone feels like that's something that they might like to read. As before, this is the first story that I've published so any kind of advice or constructive criticism is appreciated. )