Note from the Author: Chitty chitty chat chat chitty chat chat! - sorry this chapter is mostly dialogue. So much information and so many characters I am trying to juggle here. I promise there will be more action in the next chapter.
I am trying to keep the chapters shorter, which is another reason I didn't hit action like I wanted to. Iliad had such a wide range in word count per upload. I really want to keep it between 3000 and 5000 words per chapter. It looks like if I do that I may be able to update at least every other week.
Fun fact: the character Sirena may or may not be based on the fantastic Kate Rusby. I honestly don't know much about her, other than that I love her music, so I don't claim a similar personality or situation. But if Oda can have celebrity lookalikes, so can I!
A Guest Reviewer (Are you Not-a-Fanatic-Just-a-Fan? What happened to your login? I left reviews on one of your stories!) asked a very good question about the Pomegranate Groves. - Do they actually eat the fruit, and wouldn't that be kind of gross? I figure they use the juice to make special ceremonial wine. Good question. (and remember, their bodies don't turn into the trees, their bodies are taken to Elysium. The pomegranate is more like a memento, and Hades' calling card. So if they do drink the wine, it really wouldn't be that gross would it? Still kinda creepy I guess, I dunno.)
Ch. 4 – Chit Chat
Hidden in the darkened cabin of a navy warship, a large man sat in shadow, impatiently drumming blue, draconian fingers against the table before him. The tap tap tap of sharp, untrimmed finger-nails on wood echoed around the cabin, making the young cadet standing across the table from him sweat bullets beneath her white marine baseball cap.
"Run that by me again-ain,"the shadowed figure hissed. To anyone unfamiliar with the man, they might have thought two people spoke in tandem, the one voice just out of sync with the other. "Circe said what-at exactly-ly?"
The underling gulped. "Um," she squeaked. "Captain Circe said that King Cygnus de Leda has gone missing, Vice Admiral Regent, sir."
The draconian hand gripped at the wood, sending a screech around the room as it tore up 5 perfect curlicue wood-shavings from the tabletop. "I generally consider myself a patient man-an," he informed the cadet sniveling before him, "Except when I'm hungry-y. Tell your captain-ain that I want that goose on a plate by nightfall-all, or it is SHE-E who I'll be having for dinner-er."
"Yes, sir. I'll tell Captain Circe, sir," the cadet squeaked. She saluted and beat a hasty retreat.
"Why must I deal with such ineptitude-ude," the man called Regent grumbled to himself, leaning forward to rub the ache out of one of his foreheads. In so doing, his faces caught what little dawnlight filtered through one of the room's portholes, revealing that the man had what appeared to be two heads. – Or rather, one head that had been split almost completely in half. Where the split ran through the middle of his face, it had grown back into two mal-formed faces, the middle halves crooked and covered in flaky patches of reptilian blue scales. The split came to a stop just below his mouth, the two head lobes connecting at the chin, so that the heads balanced on his meaty shoulders like some giant, horrific valentine's heart.
"Tell me about it," a pompous voice said, its owner swaggering into the room without otherwise announcing himself. "Did you know that our allies, the princes all actually believed that Queen Helena had been knitting a funeral shroud for her late husband for nearly two years? I doubt any of those sprauncies carry an ounce of common sense between them."
"Mr. Bags-ags," Regent hissed, his two out of sync mouths forming their own echo. "What-at are you doing aboard my ship-ip?"
"Well, I came to ask a little favor of you, like it's my job," Mr. Bags replied, puffing a few bubbles out of his pipe. "You see, I'm still trying to confirm my theory…"
"You still actually think that the Queen-een has hidden Roronoa Zoro-ro on the island-and for this long-ong?" Regent asked, raising one of his four purple eyebrows dubiously. "If I didn't know any better-etter, I'd say you're as naïve-ive as those Princes, Bags-ags. Roronoa is dead-ead."
"Yes, well. That's what we told Her Majesty, and the rest of the world, like it's our job," Mr. Bags replied nonchalantly, seating himself across from the Vice Admiral with no trepidation. He was apparently used to the man's ghoulish appearance. "It has certainly made Ilium more vulnerable, wouldn't you say?"
"What-at? His death hasn't been confirmed-irmed?"
"Not a bit of it," Bags smiled as Regent balked at this revelation. "Though if I tell the truth like it's my job, I have to admit that his death seems likely. After all, when Kuma sent him flying he'd just lost a fight with Admiral Kizaru. But even before fighting the Admiral, reports say that he was heavily injured, and mysteriously so. Anyway, he and the rest of the Straw Hat Pirates, aside from the Captain, have not been seen in almost two years."
"Yet you have your doubts-oubts."
"Well, one can't be too careful." Bags shrugged his portly shoulders. "For this little coup to go according to plan, you must not overlook anyone who might have access to the God powers, correct? You wouldn't want to make that mistake again, would you?"
Bags pointedly looked the Vice Admiral up and down. Regent growled in retaliation, baring the fangs lining both his mouths.
"Anyway, I've been hearing rumors of late that her majesty has someone sharing her bed," Bags puffed a few more pensive bubbles from his pipe. "I know the Queen like it's my job – known her since she was a child; she's not likely to bed anyone but her husband. Even after all she's been through, she's more honorable than she gives herself credit."
"I really don't care-are," Regent snarled. "So long as King Cygnus-nus ends up on my dinner plate-ate, I'll be satisfied-ied."
"Well, let me just check for Roronoa like it's my job, and once we're sure he's not around we can follow through, eh?"
"We don't have much time-ime," Regent pointed out. "If we are to make our move-ove, it must be during the City of Dionysus Festival tonight-ight."
"Yes, well, remember to keep it quick and clean, or you'll be facing down another mask like it's your job, hmm? We've been working on this for two years; it would be a shame to flub it all up now," Bags told him. "And remember to kill the queen before you roast your bird, eh? It'll be easier to deal with an immortal goose than an immortal swordswoman. Hmm, I wonder what an immortal goose would taste like. Would it reform in your belly or…?"
"I still don't believe-ieve what you say about the royals becoming immortal here-ere."
"Only if they're the last surviving heir," Bags replied. "I've been liaison with this country for years like it's my job, Regent. Believe me, I know it better than my own home town. But back to the point, if Roronoa is here there is going to be trouble."
"What do you suggest-est we do-oo?"
"Well, I have intel that a certain marine vessel is passing by this area today; in fact, they'll be near enough to contact by snail within the hour," Bags informed him, smiling beneath his mustache. "The Captain is one of the youngest on record, and possesses extraordinary skill with Observation Haki. Not only that, but I have it on secret intelligence like it's my job that he happens to know Roronoa Zoro personally."
"I'm listening-ing," Regent said, his ten knobbly fingers forming a tent as he gazed over them through four eyes, two human hazel, two crooked and lizard-yellow.
"Well it's come to my attention, like it's my job, that you're sending a party of marines disguised as suitors to the Queen today in preparation for the coup, is that right?" Bags went on. Regent nodded his two head lobes, not questioning how the ex-Rear Admiral seemed to know his plans. "Send this Captain in with them. Tell him to search the castle with his skill while the others try to take on the Queen's Challenge. Have him report back his findings."
"And do I debrief this young Captain-ain on our plans-ans?"
"That is up to you, sir," Mr. Bags replied, lifting his portly girth out of the chair and stretching his chubby limbs. "I warn you, he is of the more honorable sort. He stood up to Akainu after the War of the Best. Nearly got himself fried. He's not afraid to contradict authority, even at risk of his life."
"Ah, so he's-e's the one you're talking about-out," Regent replied. "Yes, I remember him-im. They made him-im a captain-ain?"
"He's loyal, strong, and ambitious. Aside from that little hiccup, we haven't had any trouble with him," Bags informed him. "Besides; better to send in someone more honorable than you or I to scope this out. He's got the bearings of someone trustworthy after all."
"I see-ee…" Regent murmured, stroking his scaly chin. "Well, I'll just make sure he understands our plans-ans from the proper perspective-ive. After all, Ilium is a dangerous country-try, and an unstable ally-ly. Crushing her is in everyone's best interest-est."
"Oh, indeed," Bags replied with a nod. He turned to leave, then added over his shoulder. "Just be sure to leave out the part about your grudge match with the king, hmm? I'm not sure he'll understand like it's his job."
"It IS-s his job-ob," Regent pointed out with a snarl.
"You'd think that would mean more to some people," Bags shrugged.
"Why Blue! I haven't seen you here at Homer's in a while. You here for a drink?"
"It's a bit early to be drinking, mon," Calypso Blue replied, seating himself at the bar. "I'm just here to grab breakfast. The usual, Sirena."
"Still won't take advantage of the free food at the palace, huh?" Sirena asked, sliding him a glass of water before calling his order to the back.
The barmaid was in the prime of her life but had a prettish, youthful sort of demeanor. Her hair circled her oval face in a well-kempt bouquet of curls, dark hickory brown but for a few golden ringlets here and there within the hurly-burly. A wreath of white satin rosebuds rested in her hair, but otherwise comfort was obviously more important to her than style: she sported a plain white tank and baggy blue jeans under her dark green serving apron.
"The Chef there's pretty good I hear," she went on. She spoke in pleasant, smooth tones that brought to mind green patchwork fields and purple moors, "Chef Bettah. – he's Bettah than old Feta…"
"The Chef who used to work there?" Calypso chuckled. He'd caught the tumbler of water she'd slid to him and swilled it thoughtfully, listening to the ice clink invitingly against the glass. "Is it true that he rode off with an army of giant mice, mon?"
"I saw it myself! What an odd man," Sirena laughed. "No one misses his cooking, that's for sure. Then again, none of the suitors would be bothering Her Majesty if Feta were still around. His food was enough to drive anyone away."
"Maybe that's why King Cygnus hired him on, mon," Calypso pointed out.
"Anyway, they have to treat you at the palace, so long as you're pursuing her Majesty's hand," Sirena reminded him. "You're her guest after all; the Sun Queen can't afford to go offending people these days."
"You know I can't stand the way those Princes act, mon. None of them are even trying to win her challenge anymore," Calypso shook his head, brow furrowed.
A dinging bell in the back let Sirena know the food was ready. She turned to retrieve it as Calypso went on:
"They know they can't win so they're just trying to wear Her Majesty down, hoping she'll pick one of them out of desperation."
Sirena turned back and set the plate before him in time to see him straighten up and puff out his chest a bit:
"I refuse to act like them, mon!"
Sirena chuckled at his bravado. "Hmm, well, if you're so noble, why do you keep hanging out with the rest of the royal rabble?" She flicked her head, moving a brown curl from her dark eyes. "Seems to me you're no different from the rest of them, even if you're not a mooch."
"Queen Helena is an admirable woman," Calypso replied, shrugging. "The way I see it, she needs a friend among all those losers, mon."
"Aww, so you're trying to win her over like that, eh?" Sirena smiled. "That's actually kinda sweet."
"It won't work though," a tenor voice cut in. Calypso turned to see the barstool next to him suddenly occupied by a man with a sleepy sort of face surrounded by a wild tangle of unkempt hair. He lazily strummed a chord on the lute lying across his lap. "You still haven't figured out how to cut through those axes, Blue?" He yawned.
"Not with a machete in my mouth, mon!" Calypso laughed. "I'd like to see you try it, Orpheus."
"Me? I'm just a singer who waits tables on the side," Orpheus replied, strumming another chord before yawning again. "What would I know about swordsmanship?"
"It was rhetorical, mon," Calypso said, looking at the musician dubiously. "Though I've noticed a lot of Helena's citizens seem to know a thing or two about the blade; even the non-soldiers."
"Well, a few years ago, they were all trying to win Her Majesty's hand, weren't they? This one included," Sirena pointed out, grabbing Orpheus playfully by the ear. He batted her away.
"I didn't try that hard," he insisted, and Sirena planted a kiss on his cheek.
"I feel bad for anyone who tries to take over this country," Sirena said proudly. "Our soldiers are well trained, but even we civilians could do some damage if we had to. Ilium's been living on the brink of war for centuries after all."
"Yeah, we can do some damage all right," Orpheus said with a yawn, "Tell that to all the people who died when Nemo set a bunch of monsters loose in the city."
"Hey, we were taken by surprise, we were!" Sirena insisted. "The people who died were caught with their drawers down is all. Anyway, we learned from our mistake, didn't we? We're a force to be reckoned with I tell you. Helena and her armies aren't the only powers around here."
She bared her fists and looked anything but threatening, making the men laugh. If some of the civilians had a bit of training, Sirena definitely wasn't one of them, Calypso noticed. She made her fists with her thumbs on the inside, a sure way to break them when throwing a punch.
"Not to mention those God Powers I keep hearing about, mon," Calypso went on casually, "Are they really as incredible as they say?"
"Yes, provided the gods'll even serve Helena the Heretic anymore," Orpheus drawled with another yawn, only to be smacked upside the head by Sirena.
"Don't call her that!"
"What? It's the truth! That's what she is!" Orpheus insisted. "Everyone calls her that these days."
"Yes, but we're her friends," Sirena scolded. "And some of us still think of the miracle she performed on our behalf as the Sun Queen. – anyway, the Gods will always come to the royal family's aid. She's not the first to make them angry."
"She is the first on record to declare war on one of them…"
"That's enough," Sirena snapped. "You're talking about her like she's some distant political figure. She's not."
"She is these days."
"But we know her," Sirena insisted.
"Knew," Orpheus insisted back.
"I admit, that's one of the reasons I came here this morning, mon," Calypso interrupted. "I just discovered that competition for Her Majesty's affections is steeper than I realized…"
"What, is there someone who actually has the queen's heart?" Sirena asked, clapping her hands in excitement. "Goody! Do tell."
"I'm not going to say, mon," Calypso replied, ignoring Sirena as her lip immediately pouted into a puppy face. "I just came because you were her friends. I need your advice."
"Ha! You want to win her over, cut through the axes," Orpheus said flatly, yawning again. "There's no other way to do it."
"That's not true," Sirena spluttered. "We watched Helena fall in love in this very pub. Isn't that right, Homer?" She called the last bit to the chef and owner in the back room. He didn't stop his work longer than to wave cheerily without turning to them. A pair of dark glasses over his eyes indicated that he couldn't use them, but he managed to navigate his way around the kitchen with apparent ease.
Orpheus burst out laughing. "You're not talking about Troy are you?"
"That's precisely who I'm talking about," Sirena said, pinning him with a glare.
"Listen, Blue. You've got to meet her on her terms or she won't accept you." Orpheus sat up as he spoke, setting aside his lute and facing Calypso with his expression finally serious. "We told you about her old flame, Troy. He did everything a guy could do for a girl like her, but she wouldn't accept him unless he could defeat her in a duel."
"Turned out he was kind of a psychopath," Sirena added with a shrug.
"Well, true," Orpheus snickered with a nod, stifling the impending yawn this time.
"We do know how Troy got her to fall for him, though," Sirena went on. "See, he brought her here. He got her to dance."
"That's true. Helena the Heretic loooves to dance."
Sirena smacked Orpheus on the back of the head again. "I told you not to call her that."
"Hmm," Calypso stroked his goateed chin pensively. "She doesn't seem like one who likes to dance, mon. She's so, so…"
"Snippy?" Orpheus supplied, ignoring Sirena's ensuing glare.
"That," Calypso agreed. "But she's also so…"
"Serious," Sirena put in.
Calypso nodded. "Yes, but I guess I can't imagine her dancing because she's so…"
"Surly?"
"Stressed?"
"Sad," Calypso said decisively at last. "Dance seems like something people do when they are, you know, happy, mon."
"She seems more angry than sad if you ask me…" Orpheus put in, the words mostly lost in a yawn, but Sirena spoke over him:
"It's also something people do to try and make themselves feel better," she suggested brightly as she started to untie her apron. She went on to excuse herself, "We're on in a few minutes, Orpheus. Mind you tune up before we start."
"Yeah, yeah," Orpheus drawled. "Knock 'em dead as always, Sirena," he added, smacking her smartly in the backside as she walked past.
Calypso pinned him with a glare.
"What? She's my wife!" Orpheus defended.
Calypso didn't back down, and finally Orpheus had to look away.
"So if you want to get the Queen to dance you could have consulted the royal dance masters, but they're out at sea picking up the latest dances from neighboring kingdoms," the sleepy musician said, bluntly returning to the old subject. "Now there's a cute couple. They had a baby a few months ago, did I tell you?"
Calypso shook his head, though it seemed more of an outward demonstration of some private internal dialogue, rather than a response to the question.
"Of course, the very loyal but lonely party planner at the palace, Nysa could probably help you arrange something. Get a nice ball going," he rambled purposefully. "If you really want to get romantic, talk to old widow Diddy, the Queen's fashion designer. Every girl likes to put on a pretty dress and dance you know…"
"I'm really not interested in getting the queen to dance, mon," Calypso told him sharply. The conversation was starting to get on his nerves.
"What, really?" Orpheus asked, a look of mild surprise lifting the eyebrows on his sleepy features. "You came all the way out here for nothing then. I don't think we've got anything more for you, sorry."
"No, mon," Calypso replied with a handsome grin. "You've both helped immensely. But it's as you said, her first flame didn't fully win her over did he? I don't want to court her the way he did."
"I don't follow…" Orpheus started.
"Troy didn't win her in the end, did he?"
Orpheus' sleepy eyes finally opened all the way in an expression of shocked understanding. "You mean…?"
"That's right, mon," Calypso said chipperly. "If I want the queen to wife I have to behave like her husband, hm?"
"I don't like this," Captain Coby murmured aloud for the umpteenth time that morning as they made their way through the main street at the center of Ilium toward the palace. They trailed behind a small regiment of other marines, all decked out and looking slightly ridiculous in their royal disguises. "Regent is a Vice Admiral. He should have command of Observation Haki. Why doesn't he go in and do this himself?"
"Do the big wigs ever go in to do menial projects like this, Captain Coby-San?" his companion, Helmeppo pointed out.
Though they had a decent amount of distance between them and the other 'suitors,' and though the streets were pretty loud and busy that morning, they made sure to keep their voices down so as not to be overheard.
"No need to be so formal," Coby reminded him. Vice-Captain Helmeppo had this weird habit of using his title instead of his name these days. – ever since they had been promoted. Maybe it was because he liked being called Vice-Captain in return. "And what you say would make sense, except they called us off of our own official business to go do this. Something doesn't add up."
"Well, he kind of draws the eye, right? Maybe he just doesn't want to draw attention to himself, what with that pair of heads and all." Helmeppo went on to nudge him in the ribs. "Anyway, you should take it as a compliment, you prodigy, you."
Coby flushed a bit at the praise and couldn't help a grin, but it quickly faded. "And then there's this thing about going in in disguise." Coby eyed his fancy waist-coat and tailored slacks uneasily. Helmeppo had been more than willing to don a crown and pumpkin pants, but something about it had Coby's nerves on edge. "I was tempted to tell him I'd go in as a marine or not at all."
"That guys is pretty scary. When you even suggested not going in disguise, he looked like he would have you for lunch," Helmeppo reminded him with a shiver. "Hey, look on the bright side. It's not every day that we get to go undercover…"
"We go undercover all the time, Helmeppo-San. As marine inspectors."
"It's not every day we get to go undercover as Princes to infiltrate a deadly enemy kingdom," Helmeppo went on, slightly miffed. "Come on, Coby. Can't we just try to enjoy ourselves?"
"You're looking forward to competing for the Queen's hand, aren't you?" Coby asked, shooting his friend a sly grin.
"Hey, I could win you know!"
"I suppose…"
"What's the hesitation there?" Helmeppo demanded. "Come on, show some confidence in your friend, eh?"
"Well, think about who she was married to before," Coby pointed out. "The test she set up is supposed to pit you against him."
"Yeah, well, Zoro's dead so…"
Coby's usually sunny countenance immediately turned. "Don't say that. I refused to believe it then, and I refuse to believe it now."
"They obviously don't believe he's dead or they wouldn't be sending us in would they?"
"That does give me hope," Coby smiled again. "That's the one good thing I can see in all this. If I go in there, I can prove my theory. Luffy-san is still alive, so Zoro-san must be too."
"You have no problem with setting his wife up for assassination, then?" Helmeppo asked.
Coby sighed. Before he could respond, Helmeppo went on:
"And let's just pause for a moment to dwell on that particular revelation. Can you believe that Zoro was actually married?"
"Is married," Coby corrected. "Now that I think about it, I remember it being big news that Queen Helena of Ilium had finally found a husband – it made the front page even – but they never said who it was."
Coby hadn't paid much mind to it then, but now that he recalled, he remembered seeing the Queen in her wedding clothes on the front cover. She'd worn a kimono, not the typical wedding dress one would expect. He smiled to himself: Zoro had probably liked that.
"I guess the Government didn't want it getting out that a famous Pirate had beaten them at their attempts at Ilium's throne. The fact that this island even exists outside their jurisdiction can't sit well with them."
"Ilium's dangerous, Coby," Helmeppo reminded him. "They have the power to destroy the world. Remember what Vice-Admiral Regent said."
"Yes, but if they have that kind of power, why haven't they done it yet?" Coby pointed out. "So far as I've seen, this country does not behave as a threat. In fact…" he trailed off uncomfortably.
"What?" Helmeppo prodded
"Well, I've noticed that the government has a good deal to gain by taking over: namely the sea prism…"
Helmeppo nodded. "So I reiterate my earlier question: are you really ok with setting this country and its Queen up for a fall?" Helmeppo asked. "For that matter, are you ok with setting Zoro up for a fall?"
"Zoro's a pirate and we're marines," Coby reminded him. "We may be friends, but we're enemies."
"But it's just so sneaky and underhanded," Helmeppo egged, wiggling his blonde brows behind his sunglasses. "And anyway, his Queen isn't a pirate, is she?"
Coby knew that Helmeppo wasn't about to admit that he himself was bothered by the orders they had been given. He was obviously enjoying Coby's discomfort, though, and taking full advantage of the chance to play shoulder-angel. Coby knew he deserved it; whenever Helmeppo wanted to bend the rules, it was always Coby who was reminding him where they stood. The tables had turned now, and the Vice-Captain couldn't help but rub it in.
"It was a direct order…" Coby started stiffly.
"Like that's ever stopped you before," Helmeppo said with a snort.
"Let's just scope things out, ok," Coby reasoned. "Make sure we're on the right side of all of this."
"No complaints here," Helmeppo replied, straightening out his wasp-waisted overcoat and putting a monocle to his eye. They had just arrived at the palace's imposing front steps, and Helmeppo took on a pompous tone. "Let's have a look at this Queen, shall we Prince Cobalt?"
Coby smiled despite himself. "Indeed Prince Helmetus, indeed."