Chapter 2
It's a ten-minute drive across Holby to Alicia's house, if that, but it feels like a lifetime.
He probably shouldn't be driving, Ethan considers vaguely, not really, not all the while he's so distracted, heart racing, can't possibly concentrate on anything but her.
But what else could he do?
It's far too late to late to book a taxi (or is it? Ethan isn't exactly a party animal, but it must be, surely, must be too late to book one to physically pick him up from his flat?), too far to walk, middle of the night and Ethan isn't leaving it until morning, there's no chance of that.
Alicia needs him. That's what Ruby said.
How can he not come running immediately if Alicia needs him?
He parks across the street, freezes for a moment, pulls himself together and climbs out the drivers' seat, crosses the road, completely out of his depth, no idea what he's about to walk into and a part of him doesn't quite want to, either.
He hasn't seen her for weeks, hasn't heard from her ever since she left… anything could have happened… there's no telling the state she might be in, not on the little information Ruby has given him…
Even as he approaches her front door, still a couple of houses away, it's clear that something is very, very wrong.
It's two in the morning- closer to three, now- but Rash and Gem stand awkwardly in the front garden, door wide open, two figures huddled together, crouched on the doorstep. Gem giggles a little as Ethan half-walks, half-runs past, clearly drunk, Rash holding her upright, hissing at her to stop.
Curled up on the doorstep, front door firmly shut behind her, is Alicia, knees pulled up to her chest, head in her hands, shoulders trembling violently.
Ruby sits in front of her, hands on her shoulders, murmurs softly, glances up as Ethan reaches the doorstep.
"Alicia," she says gently. "Alicia, Ethan's here."
If Alicia has heard her, she doesn't acknowledge it.
He should try to get through to her. He should follow Ruby's lead, crouch down beside Alicia and talk to her gently, attempt to gain some sort of response, but he's rooted to the spot, panicked, useless.
She looks so small, so broken…
"Alicia?" Ethan stammers, struggles to pull himself together. "Alicia? Alicia, it's me, it's Ethan."
Nothing.
"What happened?" Ethan whispers.
Ruby turns to face him, shuffles into the wall until she's beside Alicia, arms around her protectively. "Alicia?" she tries again. "Alicia? Come on, breathe for me. It's alright. Everything's alright now."
Alicia shakes her head like a small child, eyes closed, breathes shakily, buries her head in her knees again as though she's trying desperately to shut out the world.
Ruby sighs. "I'm not entirely sure of everything that's happened," she explains, eyes plead with Ethan for help. "I… well… from what I've gathered since… since I realised Alicia was here…" her gaze shifts to Gem and Rash, still stood in the garden, glares furiously. "Gem has been leaving the front door on the latch for months, whenever she's in and she's waiting for Rash to come over, or she's going out and she knows there's someone in, because it's easier, apparently. Never mind that anyone could have just walked in off the streets, never mind that Alicia's been through enough as it is, and she knew that, she knew. It's not funny!" she snaps furiously.
Gem collapses into another fit of drunken giggles in Rash's arms, despite his desperate attempts to silence her.
"All that time we were living together, she was finally starting to feel safe in her own home and all the time you were leaving the front door unlocked half the time, it isn't funny!" Ruby snaps angrily. "I think Alicia must have arrived, gone to unlock the front door and realised it was only on the latch, I'm not sure. I was asleep and then I heard her…" she shudders for a moment, continues. "Sorry. I came down, obviously, I had no idea what was going on, and Alicia was in hysterics on the doorstep, I couldn't calm her down. I didn't know she was planning on coming back this week… I tried to get her into the house, but she was terrified, she kept insisting there was someone in the house and who can blame her, I was half-convinced there was someone in the house at that point, too. I was half-thinking about calling the police when Rash and Gem got back and Gem told me she'd been leaving the door like this ever since she moved in."
"Oh my god, only when there's someone in," Gem slurs from the front garden.
"And that doesn't make it any better!" Ruby shouts back. "I was going to send Rash and Gem in to check inside, just to be sure there's no one in there- to put Alicia's mind at rest, more than anything else, she won't go in there. But then Alicia started screaming blue murder at both of them, she's told Gem she's kicking her out as of right now, she's refusing to let her back in other than to clear her stuff out…"
"She can't do that!"
"She's your landlord and you've demonstrated spectacularly just how irresponsible you are, I think under the circumstances she can! I just about managed to calm her down, but we haven't really managed to resolve it," Ruby explains. "She won't let Gem and Rash back in, and I can't say I blame her, all things considered, but Rash doesn't want to wake his parents up at this hour and they've got nowhere else to go. So we've reached a bit of a standoff, but she's… she hasn't said a word, not since she stopped screaming. I don't think she needs an ambulance, I think that's only going to make matters worse…"
So she called him, Ethan concludes.
Ruby can't get through to her, so she called him.
Is he really going to be able to manage any better?"
"And have you… have you heard from her, lately?'
Ruby shakes her head worriedly. "Not for a couple of weeks, now."
"Alright… alright… Alicia? Alicia, listen to me." Ethan kneels in front of her, heart sinks a little when she fails to look up at him. "Alicia, I'm going to go in, I'm going to make sure there's no one in there and then I'm going to come back. Okay? Ruby's going to stay here with you. Alicia?"
Alicia rocks slowly on the doorstep, non-responsive.
"Okay. Okay, I'll be right back," Ethan tells her hurriedly, turns on the torch setting on his phone, accepts Ruby's offer of her front door key and races in through the door, scans the living room, through the dining room to the kitchen, opens all the cupboard doors before he heads up the stairs, repeats the process.
Alicia. Alicia…
The woman trembling on the doorstep is unmistakably Alicia, but she's not the same Alicia who left him behind to pursue her Paediatric Emergency Medicine dreams.
He's back through the front door a few minutes later, double checked and triple checked, because he can't bring Alicia into the house unless he's absolutely certain, not when she's like this.
Something must have happened, something else, it can't just be this…
Why is she even here? He was under the impression she was going to be working all hours, erratic shifts, no two days off consecutively for a while bar coming on and off nights…
Ruby looks up as he pulls open the front door, shakes her head subtly, answers the question he doesn't want to pose, not in front of Alicia.
"Alicia? Alicia, darling, can you hear me?" He crouches back down in front of her, watches anxiously for a reaction; something, anything, to suggest she's not completely lost. "It's completely safe in there. There's no one in there, I promise. So why don't we get you inside? You must be exhausted…"
Ever-so slightly, Alicia shakes her head, tilts in the direction of Gem and Rash for the briefest of moments and then she's shaking again, shutting down and yet her feelings are perfectly clear.
To Ethan, at least.
"Alright," he agrees. "Alright, I get it. It's alright."
He stands, glares at Gem, although realistically, she's so far gone that he's addressing Rash. "Give me your key."
"What?" Gem complains. "No way. I live here, I pay rent…"
"And you've been leaving the front door unlocked and putting everyone else in this house in danger for months, and I believe Alicia made her feelings perfectly clear," Ethan retorts firmly. "Give me your key. Now."
"Ethan, mate, can we talk about this?" Rash tries. "I know we shouldn't have done it, we were stupid, I'm sorry. We're sorry."
"Speak for yourself…"
"Yes, she is, she's sorry. Or she will be when she sobers up, anyway. But we can't go back to my parents' this late…"
"And Alicia can't stay out here a moment longer while she's like this, so all things considered, she's my priority," Ethan snaps. "Key. Now. Or… hang on, do you even have it?"
Reluctantly, after heavy prompting from Rash, Gem sighs. "It's on the side in my room…"
"Thank you. Ruby, do you want to do the honours?"
Ruby nods, carefully lets go of Alicia, slips back into the house as slowly, apprehensively, Ethan lowers himself down in her place.
"Alicia?" He tries again. "Alicia?"
She ignores him- doesn't hear him, can't find it in her to respond, whatever it is that's causing her to behave like this- but when he places his hands on her shoulders gently, she doesn't object; visibly relaxes, if anything.
"Alicia? Alicia, listen. Ruby's getting Gem's key, okay? She'll be out first thing tomorrow. Won't you, Gem?" He glares up at her furiously, makes clear there's no room for argument. "But do you think her and Rash could stay, just for tonight? It's late, Alicia, it's the middle of the night, we don't want them stuck out here until…"
Slowly, apprehensively, Alicia nods, buries her face back into her knees again, and then the front door opens, Ruby reappearing in the doorway.
"Go in, then," says Ethan, still glaring at Gem and Rash. "But you can leave first thing, and that's it. I think you've proven you can't be trusted."
They don't need to be told twice, scuttle in through the front door sheepishly.
"Alicia? Alicia, I need you to look at me, darling, can you do that?"
She's scaring him, now. She was scaring him before, of course, but this is something else.
She can hear him. He's reasonably certain of that, needs to examine her, really, just to be sure she's alright, but based on her physical presentation there's no reason to think she can't hear him.
Her lack of response isn't because she can't hear him, shit…
"I think we need to get you inside, don't we? Alicia? Why don't we get you inside, you can get some rest, and we can take it from there? What do you think?"
He's suddenly aware of the small suitcase sat on the other end of the doorstep beside her handbag, another component of this puzzle he's doing a truly terrible job of piecing together.
"Alicia? Alicia, if you don't want to talk to us, that's okay, but I need you to listen."
Should he try to take her hands, initiate a stronger connection between them, of sorts, or is that only going to make matters worse?
She ended it with him, Ethan reminds himself. She ended it with him, he would have moved to Manchester, he would have made it work, hell, he would have done long distance, failing that, but she didn't want it, she wanted to end things with him and move on with her life.
Is he really the best person to be with her now?
Does she even want him here?
"We need to get you inside, Alicia. It's freezing out here. There's no one in there who shouldn't be, okay? I've checked. You're safe here. I… I don't know what's happened, and you don't have to tell me, not if you don't want to. But you're safe now. Okay? Ruby and I aren't going to let anyone hurt you. Everything's going to be fine now. Will you come inside with us? Alicia? I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to do, but I think you'll feel much better indoors…"
Slowly, Alicia raises her head, nods slightly.
It's a tiny movement, hardly anything to celebrate when he still can't see her face, not properly.
But at the same time, it's the only real indicator she's given him so far that she understands a word that's being said to her, that she hasn't lost it completely.
"Alright. Alright, can you stand? Alicia?" It's a pointless question, really; even as he's posing it, his arms are wrapping around her on the one side, Ruby's on the other, neither of them trusting her to support herself. She hisses in pain as Ethan attempts to move her left arm around his shoulders, resists, shrinks back into herself but she's upright now, at least, standing shakily, face finally visible; red, blotchy, and frighteningly pale all at once.
He just thought she wanted to move on. He thought it was best to leave it to her to contact him, all things considered, and when she didn't he assumed it was because she was moving on, embracing her new life in Manchester and never looking back... shit…
This hasn't happened overnight; that much is clear. Unless something truly terrible has happened, this hasn't all unfolded overnight, this has been brewing for weeks…
Focus, Ethan, focus…
"Sorry, sorry…"
He doesn't question it at first, starts to turn to guide her in through the front door, and only then does Ethan realise that he's dismissing it in his mind almost automatically, back to treating her physically as he would have months ago, taking for granted that her range of motion is going to be restricted...
She's cradling her left arm against her chest now, elbow bent fully in and they haven't been here for weeks- or they hadn't, at least, not before she left.
"Did you transfer your physio sessions, when you moved?" Ethan asks carefully, and it doesn't matter, not really, not just then, but somehow it seems to sum the whole situation up well and truly in that moment, the most important aspect of it all and he can't quite explain why.
Nothing. No reaction at all, but she still won't meet his eyes.
Ethan decides now isn't the time to push it, not when the answer is perfectly clear.
They get her up the stairs together, switch on the light in her bedroom to find that the bed's still made, at least, that she clearly hasn't moved all of her things out completely just yet. They guide her down onto the bed, Ruby sitting down beside her, hand reaches out carefully for her wrist.
He's so out of his depth. She broke up with him; Ruby has to be preferable at this point, surely?
What even is this point? What do they do with her now, is there even a right thing to do in this situation? What even is this situation… what if…?
Has she taken something? No, Ethan decides, her behaviour doesn't fit, and besides, he doubts she would nowadays, doubts she'd risk losing control like that after what happened back in May… unless she was spiked, of course, but it doesn't add up, it seems to be selective…
Do they take her into the ED? Do they just let her sleep for now, make her feel safe, hope that this is all just the end result of a terrible day and working stupid hours, and after a decent sleep she'll be back to normal?
Ethan does know that isn't going to happen, as much as he desperately wants to believe it.
"Alicia? Alicia, I'm going to leave you with Ruby while I go and get your bag, okay? I'm coming back."
He pulls the door to, races back down the stairs, grabs Alicia's bags from the doorstep and double bolts the door behind him, wheels her suitcase into the living room as he tries to work out what on earth they do with her now.
How did she even get here? He didn't notice her car on the street outside, and he would have seen it, he would have, her usual parking space is definitely empty…
Should he turn her handbag out for clues, just in case she's taken something, or is that crossing the line? Probably.
Alicia… Alicia…
Is she supposed to be in work tomorrow? Is this some kind of breakdown? Has she come back here because she's running, because she's suffered some sort of psychotic episode, is that why she isn't talking?
Should he phone in sick for her? Yes, Ethan decides, perhaps that's for the best.
He'll phone in sick for her, as her concerned friend looking after her, of course, nothing more, and if it turns out she isn't even supposed to be in tomorrow then he can always say he meant her next shift, or something, because unless she makes a miraculous recovery in the next few hours, it isn't going to make a difference when her next shift is, she won't be working it.
The last thing she needs is to have to worry about being in trouble with her new boss, on top of all this- whatever this even is.
He'll phone now. It's an ED, after all, it doesn't really make a difference; phoning in the middle of the night is perfectly acceptable in a department that never sleeps. He'll phone in sick for her now and get it over with, then he can just concentrate on her.
He needs to concentrate.
Ethan pulls up google, enters the search terms, scans until he finds the correct section of the Manchester City Hospital page, scrolls down for Paeds ED for clinical lead.
Clinical Lead of Paeds ED will do, he tells himself. There's no point going to the directors of the fellowship, her immediate boss in the Paeds ED will do perfectly fine for now, they only need minimal details at this point.
Mr Nicolescu, Clinical Lead, reads the first profile on the next webpage, photo alongside the contact details.
Ethan's heart sinks.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit, no wonder…
Alicia…
He copies the phone number, dials, mind racing a little as he tries to work out what on earth he's going to say.
Oh, Alicia…
Did she know? Had she met him, at the interview, or was it just with the directors of the fellowship, did she have any idea what she was letting herself in for?
The call connects.
"You're through to Manchester City Paeds ED, Andrei Nicolescu speaking."
"Oh… good evening," Ethan stammers, thinks better of it immediately.
Good evening? For god's sake, Ethan, it's the middle of the night…
"My name's Ethan Hardy, I'm a friend of Alicia Munroe," he begins. "I believe she's one of your junior registrars, I'm just calling to let you know that unfortunately she won't be in for her next shift. She's… she's been very ill, this evening, she's come down with…" Shit, shit, why didn't he think this through before he picked up the phone, decide in advance on his story…
"Dr Munroe?" Andrei Nicolescu repeats on the end of the phone, confusion evident in his tone. "You're calling in sick for Dr Munroe?"
"Yes, yes, I was under the impression she works…"
"You misunderstand me. I suspended Dr Munroe yesterday, she really gave me no choice," Andrei Nicolescu explains slowly. "Didn't she tell you?"
The concept behind this chapter came from a tiny line in episode 8 of this series- the part when Rash comes over to Alicia, Ruby and Gem's, and Gem shouts that the front door is open. I've never been much of a Gem fan (I'm sorry, Gem fans!) but that really annoyed me. You'd think after everything Alicia went through in that house, she would know better than to leave the front door unlocked!
I just wanted to say a massive, massive thank you to Citylightsonthew, Katharine, panicpeachpit, 20blueroses and my two guests for your lovely reviews, I think that's the best response to a new story I've ever had on this website. You lot are seriously, seriously wonderful. (I'm still a mess too).
Although in a very different way, I'm unfortunate enough to have watched someone close to me go through a massive mental breakdown, and I've really tried to draw on that experience through Ethan's narrative. I've tried to make it as realistic as possible, but please accept my sincere apologies if it doesn't ring true to your own experiences.
I also wanted to tell you if you haven't worked it out already, that the title is taken from the song of the same name, originally by Josh Groban- though I think anyone who reads Finding Avalon can probably guess whose cover I prefer! Anyway, the full line from which the title comes is 'then I saw your face across the street, and my heart was home again.' It was too long for the title, but worth a mention.
Your feedback would be much appreciated as ever, and please do let me know if you would like me to prioritise this one after Avalon.
-IseultLaBelle x