A/N: And now for the weather. It's looking a bit gloomy, with a 100% chance of angst ahead. But don't worry, we'll be back to sunny, or at least only partially cloudy skies soon.

I actually teared up a bit writing this chapter. I dunno. I put Helena through a lot of crap the past few years, and now you get to hear about it. I guess we writers like to do that to our protagonists, don't we? Again, hopefully it's not too self-indulgent or saccharine. I needed to remind the reader of what Helena's been through for the final scene in this chapter to have any merit. Let me know if I went a bit overboard, yeah?

Ch. 29 – Lotus Eater

"I suppose if I'm not sending these, it doesn't matter if I tell you a little about what's happening within the kingdom," Zoro read.

He was almost halfway through the stack now. It looked as if Helena wrote him at least once every other week if not weekly. She generally wrote with a light-hearted tone, and often maintained that she would give the letters to him someday.

Her letters varied in length, and would mosey sometimes. She would write about things that reminded her of him, or things she thought he'd find interesting. She talked about her growing tummy, the baby kicking, or humorous bouts of hiding her pregnancy from the courtiers. One letter she'd been practically giddy thinking of him, and had even written him a terrible poem which made him chuckle.

The current letter didn't make him smile, however.

"Father is trying to take the crown back from me. He's terrified I'll wreck the economy because I've closed off trade with the World Government, and believes my emotions are compromised by the pregnancy."

For the first time she spoke of the state of the kingdom. She detailed things she had recently told him in person, but when she got through recounting her experiences with Bags, including how he had found out about the pregnancy, she went on with something that made his brow furrow in anger:

"I found out that Father's been in touch with the royal lawyer, Quintilian du Aeschylus. You remember him I'm sure. Quin and Papa go way back, and he was hoping I guess that Quin could pull some strings for him. Unfortunately it backfired on him. In short, Quin told him that he had two options: convince me to abdicate, or start a civil war.

"As you can probably guess, I was pretty livid. Quintilian might not have intended to tell me, but he came to me wanting to retire. I wouldn't let him go until he told me why, and all this came to light. He's living comfortably in the countryside now, by the way. I think losing Troy was hard on him, and having to fight his closest friend was more than he could handle.

"I acknowledge that Father led Ilium in some of her most prosperous years in recorded history. He's far better at this than I am, and part of me is seriously tempted to let him have his way. But I have discovered that all along my dream has been vastly different than his. I told you I want to see Ilium prosper, but I realize in light of what your crew has done at Enies Lobby that my true dream is to see Ilium free. Do you think it's possible?

"Perhaps that's not the right question to ask. You and your crew don't worry about what's possible, do you?"

Zoro had to set down the letter to gather himself. He and Cygnus had been getting along so well lately, too!

The next few letters didn't do much to mollify him toward his father-in-law. Cygnus kept pressuring Helena, adding to her already stressful load until…

He saw the date on the letter and realized what it contained before he started to read. It and the letters to follow didn't have envelopes. He forced himself to take it in like all the others, though the anger and sorrow in it was scalding:

It didn't even start with the usual, "Dear Zoro." She just got straight to the point:

"How dare you!" she scrawled. "How dare you die on me like this? How dare you lose after you defeated me? You were supposed to be stronger than me! You were supposed to protect me from this! Our son is dead because of you!"

Zoro cringed. That was all that the first letter said. It had been crumpled, perhaps thrown in the trash. But she'd apparently changed her mind about keeping it.

"Zoro," the next letter started. "Why am I even writing this? I guess it's either this or therapy. I am not going to therapy. I wonder if you've met our son in the underworld. There's some comfort in thinking that he might be there with you. You probably already know then that we have a daughter too…"

She went on to tell him about how Telemachus had died, and about Kuina. He didn't think it was possible, but it was even more painful hearing it a second time. In this water-stained letter, a letter to a dead man, Helena didn't hold back her impressions, descriptions, or anger. Everything was raw and fresh to her, so it became raw and fresh to him.

"I don't know how to mourn you. It's shameful to mourn a person before burial, but I have nothing to bury. No proof of your death. I don't mean to dishonor you, but I haven't even organized an official Funeral Games for you. When a child dies, the funeral games are made specifically for the children to participate in, so I can't even say I combined yours with his. Every tear I've shed over you has been shameful and a disgrace to your memory. But then, maybe you deserve to be disgraced."

She couldn't seem to make up her mind if she hated him or not. He knew that they were long past this now, but he looked up at her with some trepidation as though he could find some reassurance in her peaceful face.

"I cut my hair," she said in the next letter, dated the next day. "I used to keep your bandana in my ponytail, but I cut the whole thing off. I won't let anyone fix it either; it looks terrible. I need to mourn you somehow. I need to mourn our son.

"Athena appeared to me soon after I wrote the last letter. She says you're still alive . –She also once encouraged me to barter my kingdom for a swordmatch; that it would be best for Ilium's future. But that turned my best friend into a jealous, murderous monster who besieged the kingdom, didn't it? Then she said you'd protect me from what I fear, and you never came. I don't see why I should believe her manipulations now.

"She gave me something, though. A lotus blossom that was cultivated in the river Lethe. She claims that I will see you again, and when I do I should give it to you. If you eat it you will forget the thing you care most about – your crew – and you'll stay here with me.

Zoro stared at the page, rereading the sentence a few times to make sure he understood. She had a means of trapping him here? Athena wanted her to trap him here?

"I should let it give me hope that I can see you again one day, but you can't be alive. It's just not possible. Not after the death of our son. Not after what has happened.–No, I've kept the lotus in case I need it for myself. You'd think that the thing that I care most about would be my kingdom or my beautiful baby girl, but I know deep down that you are the one I'll forget if I eat it.

"I'm just not sure it would be wise to forget. Zoro, I know we were only together for a short time, but you see in my past letters, or I guess you won't see, that you changed me into the woman I wanted to become. –into the Queen I wanted to become. But now she's dead with you and your crew. I don't know how to find her again. I'm not even sure who I am anymore."

The letter went on to talk about Hera's involvement in their son's death, and the next letter talked about destroying the temple in detail. It brought Zoro some satisfaction, but the unbridled emotion in it was overwhelming. Having her husband, son, vision for the future, and faith in the gods ripped from her so mercilessly had pushed her to the brink of madness, and it killed him to witness it with front row clarity.

"The gods are tormenting me! I keep seeing your face everywhere! Hearing your voice! Mostly I ignore it, but this morning I saw you standing in the garden in your wedding clothes. It was raining, but you weren't wet. Was it your shade? You led me to the ruins of the temple of Hera and then disappeared. I came to my senses there in front of the temple, lying in my dressing gown in a puddle of mud. I had a grey feather in my hand.

"Athena is trying to get me to make amends with Hera, I'm sure of it. I won't let her continue to taunt me like this! –I have forbidden anyone to worship her or any of the gods. The people think I'm mad. The priests have branded me a heretic…."

"I've caused a famine," Helena confessed in a letter to follow. In the next, "I've caused a plague. My people are suffering because of me. They're dying! What do I do? The gods are tyrants, Zoro. Vicious, vindictive tyrants. How can I allow their worship any more than I allow trade with our oppressors?"

"…Your captain was just in the news. I was so relieved to know he's alive, but I am saddened at his loss. First to lose you, and then to lose his brother. I hope he's alright…"

"…Father has threatened a coup. He took our daughter from me. He told me I'm not fit to be Queen much less a mother if I continue to allow the people to suffer for my own selfish pride. The suitors are driving me mad, but I can't afford to offend them…"

The next letter: "I've reinstated temple worship. I've made offerings to all the gods but one. (I'm sure you can guess which.) I've even let the royal hair dresser fix my hair. I'm going to take a few months off to gather myself and spend time with my baby. I'll let Father reinstate things as he sees fit with the World Government. Perhaps I'll let him take the crown back for good."

And the next: "Gods, I miss you, Zoro. Whatever side of the Styx you are on, I hope you are well."

Zoro's whole being had tensed with sorrow. His vision blurred for a moment and he stood, pacing to try and shake the feeling away. This was her then, not now, he reminded himself. She is doing better now. We've worked through this already. She knows I'm alive, that I'm on her side. That I won't leave her again.

That last thought made him stop short, staring at Helena in dismay. He sank down into the chair by the writing desk, pulling the mask from his face as though it could help him clear his head.

"Helena, what am I supposed to do?" he murmured. "How am I supposed to abandon you to all of this all over again?"

His wife tossed in her sleep, making him jump in surprise. She seemed pretty restless for someone as drunk as she was.

He watched Helena with baited breath. Though she tossed a few more times, she didn't wake. After a minute her breathing settled, and so did Zoro's. With a sigh, he turned back to the writing desk, placing the mask on the corner.

There were still more letters. The next one was dated a few months later than the last.

"Father has asked me to return to the throne," Helena wrote, and Zoro's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "He says he wants me to have a chance to make restitution for my mistakes. –that if I can't gain back the people's favor now, I'll struggle more to do it later. I guess he sees I've been humbled. I don't know how to win back my people's trust, but I guess I can start with making sure Agamemnon and the Sea Prism business thrive by any means possible. Everyone likes prosperity."

Zoro didn't think he could be mollified toward Cygnus after the way he'd treated Helena, but if the fact that he willingly returned the throne to her softened him some, it was nothing to the next letter:

"Father insisted on organizing the Ares Celebration this year. He invited old war veterans, amputees actually, who fought to defend us from Buster Call when I was born, and even older, veterans from my grandfather's day. He arranged to have them publically thank me for healing them with Apollo's Arrow. I was touched, but as I believe was his intention, so were the people. I seem to be rising again in public estimation. Father has made sure to call me Sun Queen as often as possible…"

The time she had taken off had clearly done her a lot of good. The tone of her letters changed after that:

"…Our daughter is beautiful, Zoro. She looks a lot like you, but she has my eyes. She took her first step the other day…"

"…She's developed a biting problem! I have no idea what to do. She actually bit through the molding in the wall last night. She only has three teeth for Zeus' sake!…"

"…Kuina said her first word. It was 'Ax.' Well, it sort of sounds like that.— Astyanax is currently her favorite. I guess I don't get to spend as much time with her as I'd like…"

"…She's figured out how to turn doorknobs. She escaped my room this morning. Fortunately she didn't get far before Papa caught her. He gave her such a pinching!..."

"…I never should have let her try chocolate sandwich cookies. Now she's constantly asking me for them…"

"…I forgot to mention, I took up knitting to try and avoid the throne room. I told the suitors I needed to knit you a funeral shroud. Suckers. I'm all thumbs at it, really, but just today I discovered I'm much better at doing it with my toes. Kuina thinks it's a riot. She imitates me with chopsticks…"

But every now and then she'd write something that shattered the happy images of young parenthood. "The kingdom seems to be doing better now, but I am not. Though it seems like I've made a lot of the decisions, I base most of them on what Father wants me to do. He's wiser than I am I guess, but this isn't the Ilium I wanted."

"…I almost skewered one of the suitors today. Prince Pompadour of Macaroni. He's a weak, mewling little milquetoast without an ounce of grey-matter beneath his oversized wig. Well, anyway, one of the other suitors stopped me before I caused a war, and helped calmed me down. His name is Calypso Blue. He's probably the only decent swordsman, indeed, the only decent man in the bunch. You'd probably like him..."

Zoro snorted. She'd definitely been off on her estimation with that one. Her letters started mentioning him more:

"…Mr. Calypso actually got the others to leave me alone for an entire evening by challenging everyone to a pickle ball tournament. Pickle ball. Seriously. These princes wouldn't know a good sport if it bit them on the nose. I was able to turn my attention to the soldiers who have gone missing. More have disappeared, and I'm more than a little concerned…"

"…I owe a great debt to Mr. Calypso again today. He stopped a fight from breaking out over the propriety of tri cornered hats. You wouldn't believe what these ignoramuses think of as intelligent conversation. He's a witty man, and seems to know how to play the princes like the idiots they are…"

"…Mr. Calypso found me out this evening. He discovered that I've been unknitting that 'funeral shroud' of yours by night. Actually, he said he'd figured it out a year ago, but now the others have too so he came to warn me. Pompadour and his brother Popinjay went to Mr. Bags for help. I can't help but wonder what sort of connection they have with our World Government Liaison. I'm having Paris look into it now.

"Zoro. Ann mentioned you today, and it made me so angry I snapped at her. I'm sorry I can't seem to decide how to feel toward you, even almost two years later. Some days are better than others, but we're approaching the anniversary of your death. Yours and Telemachus'. Ann seems to think I should move on, and that it's not healthy for me to visit Telemachus' tree every day. I know Hector and my Father agree with her.

"They're all rooting for this Mr. Calypso I keep mentioning, but I don't know. It bothers me that he's been here from the beginning but done nothing to train himself to cut through the axes. His flirtatiousness can be a bit irksome, as it seems to be a cover for who he really is. I guess I'm just a bit paranoid, but when it comes to the throne, it's my job to be paranoid, isn't it?

"Perhaps I should move on. If you are alive somewhere, you wouldn't want me back in any case. I am no longer the woman you fell in love with. I am a weak, acquiescent coward, and I think it unfair that you be chained down by my name. Though I am grateful for the privilege of knowing our daughter, in some ways I wish you and I had never met, for both our sakes."

Zoro crumpled the letter in his hand after reading the final line. It was the last one; she'd written it two nights ago. Part of him wanted to wake her up, to shake the sense back into her. The more logical part of him realized that this wasn't her anymore. His return had changed her, right?

Helena let out a sudden gasp, shooting upright in bed. It startled Zoro so much that he whipped around to look at her, knocking the ceramic mask from the corner of the desk. It landed on the tile floor, shattering into several pieces.

He was still too surprised to think of hiding his face, but it didn't matter. She stared straight past him, unseeing. On her lap was a light grey owl's feather.

Athena had brought her a dream.

Helena's heart pounded in her chest, so fast and hard it burned through the hazy, drunken exhaustion that would have otherwise ruined the rest of her evening with Zoro. She couldn't shake the feeling her dream had given her, nor the horrific images running through her mind.

She had seen fire falling from the sky. – the walls of Ilium collapsing. –her people in chains. She had seen her hands awash in their blood.

And then the blood turned to the pink lotus in her hands. She heard Athena's voice, soft yet powerful enough to make her skin prickle.

"You will give this blossom to your husband or suffer ten times what you have suffered, Daughter of Prometheus. Even death itself will bring you no relief."

And then she relived the very worst of the past two years, as though Athena wished to drive into her just what she'd be putting herself through again if she allowed Zoro to leave. Interspersed with these memories of her own shameful descent into madness, she saw more images of the walls collapsing, heard her people screaming, saw her father maimed, saw Kuina ripped from her by enemy hands.

She saw so much pain and anguish that when she finally awoke, she saw nothing else for a long moment. Soon her eyes focused on the feather in her lap.

Taking it delicately between two fingers, she slid from beneath the covers and made her way to her vanity where she kept the lotus blossom, still perfectly fresh in its crystalline water bowl. Heart still racing, she seated herself before the blossom but didn't touch it until her heart and thoughts had calmed some.

Unaware of her audience, who hadn't taken his eye off of her since she'd awoken, she carefully lay the feather down and lifted the blossom from the bowl. It dripped water across her vanity top as she brought it beneath her nose.

She'd never allowed herself to smell it before. It didn't smell like a flower; it smelled like spun sugar or frosting. –Like it would melt in the mouth. For a moment she was tempted to taste it, just to see if it would.

That temptation became more than a desire for physical satisfaction when the pink petals started to glow in her hand, emitting a strange energy. It seemed to draw all of her love and sorrow to the forefront, pulling on the emotion she would forget if she consumed it, tempting her with freedom after everything she had just relived in her dream.

A simple image pervaded her vision. – the image of watching Zoro sail away the first time. Her throat tightened as her heart threatened to break all over again.

Despite the command of the goddess, Helena desired the bloom for herself. More than anything now, she wanted to forget the thing she loved most. With shaking hands, she lifted the lotus to her lips.