When Scully woke the following morning, she was alone, although the faint scent of Stella's perfume still lingered on the pillow beside her. She stretched unhurriedly, feeling more relaxed than she had in a long time. She allowed herself the luxury of lying in bed for a few minutes, her eyes still closed, as she remembered the events of the previous evening.
She'd never had a lover like Stella before, someone who had made her feel so… cherished. She balked at using the word 'loved', although that had been the first thought to enter her mind. That wasn't what this was, even if… maybe… the potential was there. In some ways, it felt like none of this was real. That, at any moment now, she was going to wake up in her bed at home where nothing ever changed.
With a sigh, her previous good mood dampened, she rolled over and buried her head deeper into her pillow. What was she doing? She didn't even know anymore… Mulder had spent last night on the road with Diana — her brain was more than happy to conjure up all sorts of scenarios that could have occurred — and she had spent the night with Stella. God, she was such a hypocrite! The thought of Mulder with someone else had her seething, but then she had gone and done the exact thing she was agonizing about him doing.
But, what did it matter anyway? He wasn't hers and she wasn't his, not in that sense. They were colleagues, best friends, partners… but not that.
Tired of lying there with thoughts as itchy and prickly as a rough wool sweater, she climbed out of bed and pulled her fingers through the tangled mess of her hair. A shower was definitely first on the agenda. There was a note on the desk in Stella's neat handwriting:
Gone for a run. Meet me for breakfast downstairs at 9? – S
Scully glanced at the clock. It was only a little after eight, so she had plenty of time, maybe even enough for a brief soak in the tub after she'd washed her hair.
"Good morning. I trust you slept well?" There was a smile in Stella's eyes as she slid into the chair across from Scully in the small dining area.
"Very well." Scully felt immediately better in Stella's presence, although her bath had helped as well. "How was your run?"
"Wretched. I hate running. I prefer to swim when I'm at home."
"Any ideas of what you'd like to do today?" It was their last full day in Edinburgh. How had the time gone by so quickly? "I wouldn't mind checking out the National Galleries. I like looking at art, even if I'm awful at it personally." Scully broke off a piece of her muffin and ate it, chewing thoughtfully. "I wouldn't mind walking down the Royal Mile, just to do it. I should probably pick up something for my mom while I'm here, too."
She couldn't help stealing glances at Stella as they ate their breakfast, her thoughts unerringly drawn back to the night before again and again, to the sight of Stella's hands twisting in the sheets as Scully had touched her, kissed her, tasted her…
Goddammit. She was blushing again. She ducked her eyes down to stare far too intently into her coffee cup, but Stella brushed her fingers around the curve of her elbow and then smiled at her as she looked up. "I had a really nice time last night."
Scully slowly reached across the table and took Stella's hand in her own, giving it a soft squeeze. "Me, too."
After breakfast, they started at Edinburgh Castle and worked their way down the Royal Mile towards Holyrood Palace, stopping anywhere that looked interesting—Scully particularly liked the Camera Obscura, although most of it was too touristy to have much appeal. Still, she caved and bought stuffed teddy bears in kilts for each of her nephews, a coloured glass paperweight for her mom, and a garish tartan tie that she knew Mulder would love. They lingered over lunch in a pub, sipping light lagers and eating the best fish and chips that Scully had ever had. It was nice to not be rushed, to simply wander wherever their fancies took them.
They spent the afternoon at the National Galleries of Scotland and finished up with tea at the Colonnades at the Signet Library in a small dining area surrounded by elegant columns, stained glass windows, and rows and rows of bookshelves. It felt like something out of a fairy-tale.
After a full day out, they ended up opting for room service at the hotel rather than going out somewhere for dinner. And, with the thoughts that had been bubbling through her all day, like a pot in danger of boiling over, Scully was sure that was just as well, considering that she had Stella pressed against the back of the door, each of them kissing the other hungrily, the moment they'd walked into Stella's room.
"You have feelings for him. Your partner."
They were lying on the bed side by side, sweaty and sated, Scully's arm cast loosely across Stella's stomach, Stella's leg curved over top of her own.
It wasn't a question.
Scully realized that, in all the time she and Stella had spent together over the past few days, she'd never even told her his name.
"Mulder," she said softly. "His name is Mulder." Before she could even ask, Scully provided an explanation. "We use our last names at work and he hates his first name."
"So, you go by 'Scully' then?"
"Most of the time. Only my mom and my brothers call me Dana any more." She nudged Stella with her leg using a minimal amount of effort. "And you."
"Would you rather I called you Scully?"
Scully languidly turned her head to the side to look into Stella's eyes. "No. I wouldn't."
"Good." Stella leaned in and kissed her tenderly. "Because I prefer Dana. It suits you."
"I feel like Dana here, when I'm with you." She smoothed a few strands of blonde hair away from Stella's face, tucking them behind her ear. "I know I have to go back to being Scully again soon but, for right now, I just want to stay in this moment."
Stella hummed in agreement and they both fell silent until Scully spoke again.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Go ahead."
"Why me?"
Stella propped her head up on her hand as she studied Scully's face in the dim light. "Why did I approach you in the hotel lounge? Why did I ask you to come to Edinburgh with me?"
"Yes."
"Because I wanted to. Why did you agree to come with me?"
Scully rolled onto her back, staring up at the ceiling. "I don't know. I've been feeling so lost lately, like I've been going through the motions for so long that I've lost sight of why I'm doing them. I've worked so hard to get where I am and, now that I'm here, I'm discovering that it's not enough." She shivered, despite the warmth of Stella's body next to her own. She twined her fingers through Stella's before continuing.
"When we met, I felt a connection between us. It was easy for me to talk to you because there was no history, no expectations. With Mulder, everything is complicated, like I can't let my guard down, even for a moment." She swallowed, struggling against the ache of the tears she refused to let fall. "I've been… I've been fighting against how I feel for such a long time, trying to lock it all up inside, and it felt freeing to be able to say yes to you. I'd been starting to feel like I wasn't capable of feeling anything any more, like I was empty inside."
"We all have different ways of dealing with that emptiness," Stella said. "Some more healthy than others." She kissed the back of Scully's hand before releasing it, then stood up and walked over to the armchair near the window. Her silk robe was draped across the arm of it, and Stella picked it up and slipped it on, tying the belt loosely around her waist.
Scully rolled over to watch her. She looked ethereal in the street lights shining in from the window, highlighting her silhouette. She could sense Stella pulling away, and she wanted to understand. "What did this mean, for you?"
"We all need the intimacy of human contact, to be touched. It's in our nature as social creatures. I needed that sense of connection as much as you did." She stood near the window, looking out into the darkness. "But I understand the inherent impermanence of this situation and I can accept it for what it is."
"What do you mean?"
Stella turned away from the window to face her once more, hugging her arms around her chest as she shrugged lightly. "This is only temporary. There's an ocean between us and I have no intention of ever relocating to America. As much, I'd imagine, as you ever wanting to move to London. But, even if that weren't the case, this is still temporary, a fleeting moment in time where we both happen to be. You're in love with Mulder." Scully opened her mouth, as if to interrupt, but then shut it again. "And I don't do permanent. Ever." Stella's voice was heartbreakingly gentle. "Not even for you. I can't be what you want, Dana."
Scully felt her anger prickling. "And how do you know what I want?"
"I don't. Not really. That's for you to figure out for yourself." They studied each other in the near darkness for a long moment before Stella spoke again. "I'd prefer to sleep alone tonight, but you can stay here. You're already settled. I'll use your bed, if that's okay with you."
A wave of hurt rolled through Scully. How could she just leave? "Didn't this mean anything to you?" She was embarrassed by how broken her voice sounded.
"Of course it did!" Hearing Stella raise her voice was a shock of cold water on her senses. She was always so calm, so in control, that it made the modest increase in volume seem extraordinarily loud. "Just because it was short and temporary doesn't cheapen it, doesn't make it any less meaningful. Only you can choose to do that. Lie to yourself, if it makes it easier for you."
"That's not what I want," Scully said, her voice turning to steel. "I'm not so deluded that I ever thought this was more than it was. And I'm not the one who's walking away right now. Sometimes, these fleeting moments in time are all we get, one brief opportunity where our lives happened to intersect." She sat up in the bed, tucking her knees up against her chest and wrapping her arms tightly around them. "If you're worried that I'm looking for more from you, you don't need to be."
Stella's tone was cool, but there was a slight tremor as she asked, "So, what do you want?"
"Come back to bed."
The minutes stretched between them, long and breathless, neither of them moving. Scully waited.
Caressed by street light and shadows, Stella untied her robe, letting the silk fall to the floor, not bothering to place it back on the arm of the chair. She walked back to the bed, back to Scully's waiting arms.
Scully pulled her down, kissing her with a ferocity she didn't know she possessed, warming Stella's cool skin with the heat of her body. They made love, Stella's passionate cries echoing Scully's as they lost themselves in each other. They fell over the edge together, the sudden force of Scully's release sending Stella over as well. Scully kissed her, couldn't stop kissing her, trying to love her, trying to heal her, no longer sure if it was meant for Stella or herself, until she was trembling violently in Stella's embrace with the weight of it all. She didn't feel the tears that gathered at the corners of her eyes, the damp trails they left on the parched plain of her cheeks. Like a dry earthenware vase suddenly filled to bursting with rain water, the clay cracked, and Scully wept.
Thank you, as always, to my wonderful beta, Josie Lange, and thank you to everyone reading! I really appreciate your kind words. :)