Sorry this chapter took a while. I lost the Faberry vision and couldn't come up with any material. I will keep the chapters coming hoping to finish this sooner than later. So thank you for reading my little story.
Nora Jones - What am I to you.
What am I doing? Did I do the right thing by ending things with her?
I miss her.
She doesn't even know the real reason why we ended things. She deserves to know.
It's better that way. Christ it's eleven thirty I really need to get some sleep.
I love her, that's real right? It has to be or I wouldn't be hurting like this.
I'm so confused, I want to be there for her but how? My family is so screwed up I don't even know where to begin sorting out my problems. One fifteen I can't even shut my eyes.
She's been laying in her bed tossing and turning for the last three hours. When she finally found a spot she thought was comfortable enough her phone vibrates from underneath her.
It's been five days and the late night was always the hardest to deal with. Her mind wonders through all the guilt, lies and pain she caused Rachel. She scrambles to find her phone knowing who it was calling in the middle of the night and when she sees Rachel's name flash on her screen there was no hesitation. She answered the call without saying a word. Her apology and explanation lingers on the tip of her tongue but they are never spoken.
She laid there tears beginning to pool and just knowing that Rachel is on the other end feeling the same emptiness was comforting enough for her. She knew Rachel wasn't getting enough sleep either and as painful as this silent encounter may be it's been helping them both find some peace of mind.
Quinn can only hear the faint sobbing on the other end but there was nothing she can do or say to make things right. She needed to put a stop to this before Rachel gets hurt even more.
She wanted to say something to help Rachel move on. This thing their doing finding solace in each others unspoken conversation hoping each night one or the other will finally get the courage to say what's in their heart. All their doing is putting a bandaid on a huge cut. Her sobs started getting heavier realizing the mistake she's done. She grabs her phone opens her mouth to say something but there was something stopping her. The thought of saying goodbye to Rachel would unleash a pain so unbearable that she couldn't utter the words. So she did what she knew best she looked at her screen kissed Rachel's name on and hung up. She threw her phone on the end of her bed angry at herself for loving someone she can never be with. She laid in bed and cried herself to sleep feeling every single tear in her heart.
"Quinn." Her voice was faint and nothing at all like herself. They haven't spoken in days since the brake up. Their late night phone calls ended and it hasn't been easy on their hearts.
Rachel locked herself in her bedroom avoiding all communications. She needed to process what was real and what Quinn perceived to be real. It took about twelve days for her to come to a realization. She wanted answers but judging by Quinn's moods the last few days it's been difficult approaching the blonde. But time is what they needed once she figured out how to keep her emotions at bay she knew there was something Quinn wasn't telling her.
"Quinn, please just talk to me." She pleads holding her hands up to her chest feeling the heartache expand once again. This is exactly what she didn't want to feel. She didn't want all the emotions to cloud what she wanted to do. She wants answers she wants her girlfriend back.
Quinn slams her locker and walks away ignoring her plea.
"Damn it Quinn." Rachel grabs her arm and forces her around.
The students around them were beginning to stare noticing their conversation.
Quinn was shocked to see Rachel so forceful that she rips her arm from her grasp. She knew this day would come, Rachel isn't the type to just let things go without any explanation.
"What Rachel?" Her aggressive voice and the frightened look on Rachel's face brought her back to when she cared about absolutely nothing.
Rachel needed to pull herself together. "I've..." Quinn's soft eyes has disappeared and she doesn't have a clue who this girl is any more.
Hold it together Rachel she's lashing out because she's hurting too. "I've forgiven you okay, so stop acting like I don't exist and just talk to me."
Rachel took a minute to really look at the girl standing in front of her. She looks exhausted and she may have lost some weight. She's lost the colors in her cheeks and those hazel eyes are a shade darker more hollow. Rachel saw herself like this a couple of days ago so she understood looking at her blonde that she too lost a piece of herself the day their hearts broke in two.
"Oh Quinn." She couldn't bare seeing her like this. She tried to reach for her but Quinn stepped back avoiding the heartfelt touch she's been longing for.
Rachel felt her chest constrict from the rejection. You can do this Rachel.
"Quinn can we please talk for a moment. Please." Her eyes were beginning to blur she really hated how things are between them.
Quinn debated if she'll be able to handle this her wounds are still fresh and her thoughts and emotions are a wreck. Even looking at Rachel cuts her so deep that she could barely hold herself together. She stared into those brown eyes and knew she had to do this for her even if the hurts. Quinn looks around them and finds an empty room close by.
It's only been a couple of days and things hasn't been easy at home especially with no one to talk too. She's been bottling all her emotions inside and it's slowing eating away at who she is.
She walks in the classroom and spots two students sitting in the back going over their notes.
"Get out!" She orders, her venomous glare was enough to scurry them away.
Rachel watched the two underclassman grab their things and run out of the classroom. Quinn's voice and demeanor startled her. She knew right there that her Quinn is losing a battle within herself and she doesn't know how to bring back the girl she fell in love with.
Quinn looks out the window seeing how Rachel reacted to her current state. She hasn't eaten and barely slept, this break up was affecting her more than she thought. She looks out the window avoiding her brunette's disappointed eyes.
Rachel has been waiting for the right time to talk to her and now that it's here all she wants to do is wrap her arms around her and never let her go. All she can think of to say was...
"I miss..."
"Don't Rachel." Her voice sounded so hurt.
Rachel felt a sharp pain through her heart hearing how distant Quinn's voice is towards her.
"I'm just trying to understand Quinn. I know it's difficult for you to let people in and you're continuously keeping your guard up. But I honestly thought for one moment that I was different. I saw who you are but I'm so lost. This hasn't been easy and I just want to understand."
Quinn couldn't stop the tears from falling. She hated every second of this she's so lost and everything is a mess.
"Please Quinn, I get it. I get why you had to lie to me. I can understand your jealous tendencies. But why? I was yours..." She paused hearing their past leave her lips.
Quinn couldn't bare listening to a past that can never be. "The girl you knew doesn't exist Rachel. I made her up just to get what I want."
"And what was that? I was just another pawn in one of your sick games? I don't buy it Quinn! Stop pretending because I know deep down that your just scared. Scared of what this could be." Rachel moved behind Quinn and held her from the back.
Quinn collapses her body into her touch but this couldn't happen. She's too screwed up to believe that something so good can belong to her.
I miss you so much Rachel, I want to tell you everything but I just can't involve you with my issues. I'm so sorry.
"Let go of me Rachel."
"No, Baby it's just me. You don't have to hide who you are."
Quinn holds Rachel's arm and slowly pry's them off her. She takes a step away from Rachel wiping away her tears. She finally turns around and faces her brunette.
"She doesn't exist Rachel, how many times do I have to tell you. Just forget it ever happened. You caught me at my weakest and took advantage of me. That girl is gone and she's never coming back."
Quinn walks past her and before she leaves the room she takes a deep breath and wipes away any evidence of this conversation. She opens the door and walks out leaving Rachel broken and shattered once again.
Leroy has been keeping a close eye on his daughter and watching her go through all the emotions of a heartache and it hasn't been easy. She kept herself so secluded that they would only see her during breakfast and dinner.
He walks up to her bedroom to call her down for dinner but her door is locked.
"Rachel? Sweetheart are you in there? It's time for dinner."
"I'm not hungry yet and I have a lot of homework." She tried hiding her sobs but it didn't work.
"Rachel what's wrong? Did something happen at school? Do I have to call the principal again?" His concerned voice was enough to get Rachel to unlock her door.
When the door slowly opens Leroy couldn't believe he was back here again. Rachel's eyes were red and puffy. He lurches his whole body to hold his daughter wanting to protect her from whatever pain she's feeling.
"Oh sweetheart, what's wrong?"
She was barely audible only sobs deep in her chest was all she can produce.
He leads her to her bed and he lays her down. His arms wrapped around the most precious gift ever given to him and his husband.
"Breath honey. Tell daddy what's wrong."
Rachel takes a long and heavy breath in and collects herself. When she blew out she was able to gain better control of her sobs.
"It's Quinn."
"What about Quinn?" Deep down he was still rooting for their relationship to find each other.
"She doesn't want to me to to believe that what we had was real." She pauses wiping away her tears. "She said she made up the girl I fell in love with and that she doesn't exist. How am I suppose to feel when I'm looking her straight in the eyes and those words coming out of her mouth are like needles in her heart. I know her daddy, I saw My Quinn hiding behind those scared eyes. I just wish she would..." Her tears flooded out and her breathing became rapid once again.
Leroy held her even tighter and started slightly rocking her to calm her down again. He hasn't been able to find the right words to say when she's like this.
"I'm sure Quinn is just going through some things that are hard for her to express to you. I know how important it is for you to know the truth and I know you deserve it. But you'll have to figure out how to get past this. If she doesn't want to talk to you I'm sure she has her reasons. But you shouldn't hang on to something that might not come along darling. I know it may be hard to accept but you are stronger than this Rachel. Broken hearts are always the hardest to fix but once you realize it's nothing but a scratch, give it time and it will heal itself."
She knew he was right but accepting the truth would mean no more Quinn. It just doesn't seem fair that their relationship was a glimpse of something so amazing.
She gently nods her head and wipes her tears away hoping that this will be the last of them. "Thanks daddy."
Next day
"Quinn." Kurt approaches with caution the last time he spoke to her he was quiet protective of Rachel. After realizing what had happened between them he felt really bad speaking to her that way.
"What do you want Kurt?" She sounded annoyed.
"I wanted to give this to you." He hands her a piece of paper with his number written on it. "I also wanted to apologize for accusing you of being a bad influence on Rachel. I was out place and it was uncalled for. But I noticed that you haven't been yourself lately either and if you need anyone to talk too I'm always here to listen."
She looks at him trying to figure out if there was some hidden ulterior motive but there was nothing. His eyes said it all.
"Thanks Kurt."
March
She wakes up groggy from a restless night. It's been a month since they broke up and Rachel's face keeps her up all night. Her routine has been the same, her alarm goes off and she blankly stares at her ceiling for a couple of minutes before starting her day.
Her dreams have been constant, sometimes different sometimes the same. But in every dream Rachel is left in tears and her heart falls to the ground shattered.
School on the other hand is a different story. Ignoring Rachel is not an easy task especially since all she wants to do is remain friends. She keeps to herself most of the times and some of the glee kids tries to be there for her but she always turns them away.
It's been heart wrenching seeing Rachel happy and her regular self while she's fighting to scream and beg for her forgiveness.
Santana and Britney has been a great help, constantly keeping her busy talking about the future and how it will get better once they're out of Lima.
Glee has been the most difficult so she tries to skip it as much as possible. Finn has made it really easy for her to hate his guts because he's constantly at Rachel's beckon call.
There were times when Rachel would perform and she would look directly at her sending her a silent message and her heart just tightens causing her unbearable pain because she wasn't strong enough to fight for the girl she loved. She would force herself to sit there and listen to Rachel pour her heart out and once she's done just walk away like her song meant nothing.
Then before she knew it her day is over and she would have to relive this constant heartache all over again.
Santana and Britney has been inviting Quinn to come over so that she's not left alone feeling depressed all day long after school or during the weekends. Quinn couldnt wait to get out of the house every chance she gets so she's very grateful for the distraction.
"Come on Quinn, you have to find a way to get over this slump. I get it the whole Berry thing didn't work out but there's so many other girls out there. And once your in California it's like dyke's galore over there. You can have any colors of the rainbow and then some." Santana looks at Quinn and she's resting her head on her arms with her hood on hiding from the world.
"I don't think calling lesbian's dykes is going to win you a nice date in California San."
"Oh please I prefer the term dykes than lesbian that's for sure."
Britney looks confused just listening to their conversation "Is there even a difference?"
Santana walks over to her girlfriend and sit behind her, she gives her a kiss on the neck which made her giggle.
"No Brit, Q here his just trying to correct my derogatory term."
"Oh, but she's is right Quinn, Lord Tubbington told me that berry's can be picked and eaten but in the end they'll just exit your body and you'll feel better once it's out."
Quinn smiles at Britney's words but continues to look out the window.
Santana looks at her girlfriend strangely but holds her hand and smiles.
"See if Lord Tubbington gives you advice you take it Q and you don't look back. Now lets try and enjoy the rest of the school year and forget about her."
What? Somewhere in those three words woke something inside her. "Forget about her?"
Santana knew she said the wrong thing and prepares herself for a brutal argument.
Quinn finally raises her head and stares into Santana's eyes.
Finally a reaction out of her.
"Do you honestly think its that easy Santana? I was there when you were trying to sort out your feelings for Britney."
"I know, and I'm grateful but..."
"So why would you even say something stupid like forget about her to me?"
"Because you need too. You don't deserve her Quinn. She's forgiving, loving, caring and everything your not. You're going to hold her back from her dreams. Is that what you want?"
Santana's words broke her down and she couldn't believe hearing the truth would feel like a slap in the face but she was completely right. Rachel deserves someone who wouldn't keep their relationship a secret. Someone who can be supportive and unashamed of their relationship.
Quinn grabs her stuff and walks out of Britney's bedroom. She's had enough listening to the truth. Fact is she can be all the things Rachel wants her to be. She can be supportive of her dreams, if they move to New York she'll feel comfortable having their relationship out in the open. She can love Rachel unconditionally so what's stopping her?
"Quinn!" Britney calls.
Santana grabs her arm and stops her girlfriend from chasing after her.
"A little harsh San."
Santana shrugs her shoulder and arches her eyebrow. "She needs to know the truth. How else is she going to get past this if everyone just tip toes on the subject."
Quinn had no where else to go so she finds refuge in her car. She sinks into her seat fighting through the realization of what can never be.
April
She's been starring at her phone for hours. She scrolls through her menu and clicks on her photo album. She erased all the photos except for one.
It was the candid photo that started it all. Rachel was looking at the front of the class unaware that she was being photographed.
I miss you so much.
"Quinn!" Judy calls for her.
She rolls her eyes and let's out a frustrated breath. She stows her phone under her pillow and walks out of her bedroom.
She spots Judy at the bottom of the stairs. "You called mother." Her voice sounding sardonic.
Russell moved back about a two week after she ended things with Rachel and it's been especially hard on her having to mask her emotions not only in school but at home as well.
Judy was still trying to find the balance in her family and was losing that battle. She looks at her daughter disappointingly.
"Quinn please, enough with the attitude. I know it's been really difficult but..." She tries to find the right words. Every time she tries to talk to her she just blows up and locks herself in her room. "All we want is to be a."
"Family! I get it." That word means nothing to her. "What did you want mom? If you want to try and talk to me about this family then fine I'll sit down and tell you how I wish I wasn't apart of it."
Judy's reaction looks like a part of her has died hearing those words come from her little girl especially since they were doing such a great job rebuilding their relationship. She knew this transition was going to be difficult but Quinn is holding onto so much animosity it's made their household even more uncomfortable.
"Is there something you wanted from me? Because if there isn't I'd like to go back to my room please." She can see how hurt her mother was at her words but it was the truth. She's given up everything for this family and here she is again standing before her mother who swore that she was going to stand by her side. Look at them now Judy just threw everything away just to rebuild this pathetic family.
Judy's mouth was dry and couldn't remember what she had called her for.
"Quinn." Russell walks over and places a comforting hand on Judy's shoulder. He looks straight into Quinn's eyes sincerely and apologetically.
Quinn stares him down with ferocity in her eyes.
"Let's go for a drive."
"I'm not going anywhere with you Russell." She barks at him.
"It's not a request Quinn." His voice sounding way too familiar and Quinn was startled to hear him talking to her that tone.
Judy looks at Russell confused about his demeanor. She hasn't heard that tone in such a long time it was making her question her decision about bringing him back into their lives. She felt his hand gently rubbing her shoulder as if reassuring her that everything will be okay.
Quinn walks down silenced afraid of what Russell will do if she doesn't abide his demand. She knows what he's capable of and now that he's back she has to know which battles are worth fighting. She walks out the door arms crossed in disbelief.
Russell unlocks the doors and walks past her and enters the car. Quinn opens the door and sits on the passenger seat completely tense. Russell starts the car and pulls out of the driveway.
It was silent for the next couple of minutes. Quinn was looking out the window and recognizes the route he was taking. Her heart was beginning to race knowing she'll be seeing the Berry household.
"Quinn." His voice soft.
There it is. She sees Rachel entering her car and suddenly her heart was lodged in her throat beating sporadically.
"Quinn?"
She needed to calm down, this was not the time to reminisce on her lesbian relationship.
"Russell." Her voice stern.
"Listen Quinn, I apologize for my tone earlier. I just didn't see any other way for you to listen."
She stayed quiet.
"It's been about month since I moved back and I've given you enough space to understand how much I've changed. I tried countless times to reach out to you but you rejected every chance. I just, your mother and I want us to be a family again. I completely understand your resistance to the idea but Quinnie I'm really trying here." This distance between them has been really heavy on his heart. He knows how much damaged he inflicted on her but all this anger needs to be directed towards him.
Quinn couldn't believe what she was hearing. Russell Fabray begging to be forgiven.
"I know it's not a simple request Quinn. But at least take your frustrations out on me and not your mother. She's done nothing but love you girls and it was all my wrong doings that caused this family to fall apart."
He was right about that. Judy doesn't deserve her hostility she missed that short lived mother daughter relationship they had before Russell snaked his way back into their lives.
"Please Quinn, I'm working really hard to not be that heartless father you once knew. But I need you to try I can't be the only one trying to work through this. I need you to forgive me so we can move forward sweetheart."
Forgive you? Forgive you for abandoning me, for controlling our lives.
You have so much hate in your heart baby. You need to learn to forgive people or else you'll never be able to move on.
Rachel's face flashed in her mind. They were laying in bed and Rachel's arms and legs was draped over her body. Her warmth slowly filling hers.
She didn't even notice that Russell had parked the car. They were by the lake he use to take her when she was young. They would sit there for hours just talking about anything that came to mind.
"Fine Russell. I'll try, maybe then I can sort out my issues. Someone important once told me that I need to learn to forgive so I'll try."
"We'll, I'm grateful for that person's great advice. I swear to you Quinn I'm a changed man. You have my love and support one hundred percent."
Yeah right, and if I were to tell you I'm a lesbian would you relapse and kick me out of the house?
"Yeah, she's a really great person."
Rachel's smile filled her head she doesn't even remember what they were talking about that made Rachel give her those words of wisdom. Hopefully this can be the beginning of her letting go of the hate that Rachel talked about.
I really need to talk to Rachel.
You need to figure out yourself before you talk to her.
I miss her so much.
Quinn grabs her phone and pulls up Rachel's photo.
She remembers the day that started it all. How she had to convince herself to want to like her. When Rachel got smacked in the head she couldn't believe the lengths she'll have to deal with just to get what she wants.
She smiled remembering how easy it was being herself around her. She woke up that morning convincing herself that getting along with Rachel was going to be a complete drag but it was far from it. Being with Rachel was like breathing, no pressures, no hiding who are just those beautiful brown eyes and that loving smile.
"Quinn?" Judy knocks on the door but slightly opens it.
"Yeah mom."
Things have been running smoothly around the house. They've been communicating a lot during dinner talking about their days or anything random. Russell is more attentive and Judy couldn't be any happier that their family is finally coming together.
"Can I come in?"
"You already opened the door mom but thanks for asking." Quinn sits up from her bed and Judy takes a seat next to her.
"I wanted to come here and ask you how your doing?" Judy's been feeling guilty that she chooses to be selfish in the expense of her daughters happiness.
"I'm fine."
Judy looks at her to see if she were lying but Quinn has gotten really great at hiding her true emotions. She places her hand on top of her daughters and squeezes it.
She wants what's best for her daughter and that's what every mother would strive for. But a homosexual path just seems like such a tough road to follow and with college it just wasn't an option for her.
Judy smiles at her lovingly keeping the truth hidden.
Quinn knew what this was about but even if things were running more smoothly in their household her future and what she'll come to be if she were to follow her heart just doesn't seem like a smart move. Rachel deserves the world and New York for her means barely any money to take Rachel out on a proper date. Just the idea of holding Rachel back from her dreams on top of being supported by her tiny brunette just wasn't a good idea.
"Is there anything else mom?"
Judy shakes her head pushing her thoughts away.
"I'm just happy that your willing to give your father another chance."
Quinn gives her a fake smile, "I have to learn to forgive sometime. Rachel thought me that."
A small prick stabbed Judy in the heart. To think after what they've all been through Rachel Berry is the one she owes a lifelong of gratitude and forgiveness. Keeping her daughter away from that path is just something she'll have to live with. Judy notices Quinn's phone and sees Rachel's photograph on the screen.
I'm sorry Quinn. I just don't know any other way to protect you. I hope someday you'll forgive me Rachel.
Judy just pats her daughters hand and stands up. "I'll see you at dinner Quinnie." She smiles at her again and exits the room.
Quinn couldn't figure out her mothers reaction hearing Rachel's name. She looked pained and relieved at the same time. She sits back and when her hand grazes her cell phone she sees that she didn't turn it off. She grabs her phone and remembers what her mom said.
I don't want you to end things with Rachel but I do want you to understand your father.
She saw so much promise in those words and what does she have to show for it now. No Rachel, living a lie and a family that still pretends to be happy.
"Seems like nothings changed." She lays down in her bed and wonders what she could to change her life. There wasn't going to be another day that Rachel wasn't going to be a part of her life. She refuse to live the life that isn't meant for her and maybe just maybe her family will really support her for who she truly is.
Quinn sits through five rings before she decides to hang up. She's been sitting in her car contemplating whether she should just ring the door bell or not.
She takes a long frustrated breath in and rest her head on the steering wheel.
"What am I even doing here?" She says to herself.
Then suddenly the ring from her cell phone startles her. She looks at the screen and for one second she doubts herself from answering the call. She takes another deep breath and finally gets the courage to press accept call.
"Quinn?"
"Hey Kurt. How are you?"
"Is that you parked outside my house?" Kurt is looking outside his front window squinting his eyes in her direction.
Embarrassed, she laughs at the question. "Yeah, sorry I didn't mean to be a creeper. I was just wondering if you have time to talk?"
Surprised Kurt fumbles to get his words out. "Um, sure, of course come inside."
They hang up and Kurt couldn't believe what was happening. He knew it was a long shot giving his number to her but he's glad that she's here now.
He opens the door and Quinn stands in front of him with a shy smile on her face.
"Hey Kurt."
"Hey Quinn come inside." He smiles at her and steps aside. "Let's go to my room so we can have more privacy."
Quinn nods her head and follows him up the stairs. She was positive she wanted to do this. It's been about a week since her little talk with Russell and it's taken her five pages of pro's and con's to get here. She needed someone other than Santana to speak too and since Kurt offered why not take advantage and listen to another persons point of view. Listening to herself and continuously debating about what to do was getting to be really annoying.
When they entered his room everything from the color of the walls, to the photographs of everyone in glee and all the broadway posters just screams Kurt Hummel.
"Welcome to my boudoir." He announces.
Again she smiles doubting if she can do this.
Kurt notices how tense she looks. "What's wrong Quinn? Come here, have a seat next to me. So have you decided on what college you'll be attending next year?" He knew he has to ease her in make her feel more comfortable so that the conversation about Rachel just flows.
"USC." She says nervously.
"California?" His voice sounded a little to pitchy surprised to hear her answer. So far.
Quinn noticed he was probably hoping somewhere closer to New York.
"Yeah, my family are alumni's and a huge benefactor's to the school. So if I play my cards right I can get in with a full scholarship."
That certainly answered his question.
"That sounds great. I'm very happy for you. I'm still waiting for Nyada. Juilliard was a lot tougher to get in and financially it was way out of my league. But Nyada focuses on more singing so it was a perfect fit."
"Santana tells me that Rachel got in Nyada. Is that true?"
He nods his head with a huge smile on his face. "I couldn't have been more proud, she nailed her audition and got an early acceptance. She told me that she dedicated her performance to you." He quickly shuts his mouth knowing that he wasnt suppose to tell anyone that. Why did I tell her that? Smart Hummel.
She looks away from him suddenly feeling uncomfortable about what he just revealed to her.
"She really misses you Quinn. She just wants some answers."
Seeing that she's not falling apart at the seams he decided to push forward on the subject. She came here for a reason so much for easing her in the Rachel subject.
"But what if my answers push her further away?"
"We are talking about Rachel Berry right? She cares about you Quinn and seeing how she was when you girls started. How happy she was and then one day her world just shattered. She puts on a smile and pretends to be happy but you can tell something is missing."
"But I'm not good for her Kurt. I lied and broke her heart. I miss her like crazy but I just feel like I'll be holding her back. I just don't see how she'll forgive me. On top of that my dad's back and I just don't want her getting mixed up with my family."
Kurt was shocked to hear this news. "Your dad's back? I can see why you pushed her away. No offense."
"None taken. I mean my dad's trying but it's not like I can just come out and tell him I'm gay. He's also helping me pay for college so I don't want to tell him and ruin my chances at going to a good school. I care about Rachel but I'm nothing if I go to New York. I just don't know what to do."
She couldn't believe how easy and comfortable it is opening up to Kurt like this. It should be Rachel but there was no way she's ready to face her. Laying all this out on the table after everything they've been through just didn't seem fair.
"If you talk to her Quinn I'm sure she'll forgive you. Rachel Berry will always have a spot in her heart for you. You just need to open yourself up and she'll do rest. A girl like her shouldn't slip through your fingers. I've seen you guys together, how happy she is being with you. You just need to be strong for yourself, she has a way of influencing the people around her to be great. You don't need to sell yourself short, your worth it for her. God, can I sound more like a hallmark card or what?"
They laugh and it took some of her nervousness away. His words we're a blessing though, this is exactly what she needed to hear. Now she regrets not doing it any sooner.
She looks down at her hands and envisioned the last time they held Rachel's. They were soft and fit perfectly well on hers. She remembers how warm and gentle they felt, her eyes started to tear up.
He places his hand on top of hers and Quinn looks up meeting his comforting eyes.
"Just talk to her Quinn. It's going to be tough this time around because she's going to have her guard up. But I know you can break through it. You can do this, obviously Rachel saw something in you. You just need to overcome whatever it is that's holding you back from loving her."
She wraps her arms around him grateful for all the kind words. It's been two months and she was so frightened of how much time has passed that she was afraid to hear that Rachel wants nothing to do with her.
She didn't know if Rachel would even take a second to listen to what she has to say. Especially since the last time they spoke she walked out on her. Now that Kurt has given her the advice she's been longing for all the doubt looming in her head is beginning to clear.
"Thanks Kurt, I really appreciate this. I've been going back and forth about what I should do and I'm just happy that your here to listen."
They release one another and Quinn knew that there shouldn't be any more time to waste. She needed to see Rachel.
"Thanks again Kurt."
"Anytime Quinn. I'm team Faberry all the way! If you need anything I'm here."
The pet name made her laugh. She looked over his shoulder and saw his clock on the bedside table. She has the courage to talk to Rachel and if she waits any longer there's a chance it might fade away.
"I'll keep that in mind."
He puts both his hands on her shoulder and stares deep into her eyes. "You can do this Quinn."
He pulls her for one last hug and Quinn wraps hers arms tight around him.
They release each other and Kurt walks her down.
"Thanks Kurt I'm really glad Rachel told you about us. I really had no where else to go to talk to about her."
"She actually didn't tell me anything. She told me she had a crush on you but she played it off like you we're completely straight. I just noticed how differently she's been acting and looking at how you were doing and it wasn't hard to putting two and two together." He explains.
She kept our secret a secret? Her heart warmed at how caring her brunette truly is.
Her smile was something he hasn't seen in a while and an inkling inside him knew that Rachel can finally be herself again.
He hopes that Rachel doesn't kill him for telling Quinn about her Nyada audition. He knows how sensitive the subject is but he really misses how she use to be. He waves goodbye to Quinn and she waves back. He grabs his cell phone and calls Blaine.
"Hi boo." Blaine answers.
"Oh my God! Quinn just left my house." He squeals.
"What?! Is she finally going to talk to Rachel?"
"Yeah she's heading over to her place now. Oh I hope Rachel listens to what she has to say."
"Seriously, I mean do they honestly expect all of us to not know they we're together?"
"We have to respect their privacy Blaine if they don't want to come out to the glee club that's their choice. I'm just glad everyone is playing along. The last thing they need is for everyone to out them."
"Yeah that wasn't easy trying to convince all the guys to not say a word to Finn. But Kurt I have to go I'll call you later."
"Okay, but we're going to talk more about this."
Blaine smiles "Of course we will. I'll call you later."
"Bye."
He's been keeping Rachel's secret from Finn for a long time now and when everything comes out in the open he hopes Finn can forgive him. It's not his place to out Rachel but all the secrets are starting to affect his relationship with him.
"Good luck Quinn."
Quinn gets inside her car and starts it. She sits there for a minute listening to her car purr. Her mind is racing on one single thought.
I'm going to talk to Rachel today.
Suddenly her breathing became heavier and fear started to rise from inside her.
You have to do this Quinn. You have to tell her the truth.
She shakes off the uneasy feelings and drives to Rachel's house.
She parks at her usual spot trying to convince herself that she can do this.
Maybe I should call first?
She's home and come on Quinn just get out of this car and walk over to the front door.
It's been two months, and the last time we spoke I...I'm not ready. I don't think I can do this.
STOP! This is Rachel we're talking about. You have to do this even if she rejects you. She deserves the truth. Now GO!
Quinn shuts her eyes tight and takes a deep breath.
You love her. You HAVE to do this Quinn.
She opens her car door and gets out of her car. The sound of her rapid heartbeat was reverberating in her ears making the walk over to the front door even more excruciating. But there was a soothing feeling looking straight ahead to the house that welcomed her with open arms. She missed this place so much, she missed the laughter, the comfort and support of a loving family and most of all the smile that gripped her heart and opened her eyes to a life worth living.
She found herself standing at the frontdoor starring blankly at it and really considering if she has the emotional strength to go through with this. She takes a deep breath and with her shaky hand she presses the door bell.
She can feel her heart racing as she waits anticipating for her brunette to open it. She can hear the locks click from the other side and she knew from that point on there was no turning back. Even if she wanted to run away her feet felt cemented to the ground.
You can do this Fabray.
She kept her eyes down feeling a surge of anxiety, she was twiddling her thumbs and taking short breaths hoping to calm her nerves.
"Quinn?"
She looks up and looking into dark brown eyes she could feel all the blood drain from her face.
"Mr. Berry..." She swallows pushing down whatever may have came up from her throat. "Is...Rachel...home?" His eyes were piercing through her.
Shit! What was I thinking just stopping by?
"She's at her ballet practice she'll be back shortly, Leroy is picking her up after work." He was unsure of his emotions looking at the girl that broke his little girls heart. But he knew that she didn't have it easy either at least Rachel had them Quinn was alone throughout the entirety of their break up.
"Oh." Maybe talking to Hiram would help her chances talking to Rachel. She's positive they're upset for what she's done and they did say that she can come to them about anything. If she can talk to him then talking to Rachel would be a little less nerve wracking.
"It's nice seeing you Quinn. I hope your doing well, is there anything else I can do for you?" Even though his trust was broken by her Rachel hasn't been the same since their breakup. A part of him wanted to know the truth but it was something between his daughter and Quinn.
She looked down at her shaking hands. "Do you mind if I came in anyways and talked to you?" She looks up meeting his eyes.
"I'd like that. Come in dear,"
She breathes out and she no longer feels the unwanted pressure in her chest. It felt like the huge elephant suffocating her finally stood up and walked away. She smiles and was grateful that she was welcomed back into Berry household.
"How was practice?" Leroy stares into the sunset ahead as they drive back to Lima.
"It was all right." Rachel response blandly.
"How are you holding up sweetheart?" He hasn't been able to reach out to her and it brakes his heart that their relationship has taken a beaten from her heartbreak.
"I'm doing fine dad." She knew this was his way of trying to figure out what's really going on with her but she doesn't even know herself. Quinn left her broken hearted and in the dark about their breakup.
"Rachel, you know you can talk to me and your father right? We've been so worried about you. It's been two months darling talk to me."
"There's nothing to talk about daddy, Quinn lied and we ended things. I wish I knew what was going on with her and why she did the things that she did but I haven't spoken to her. So if you see her why don't you ask her yourself and find out for me. Because I'm still trying to put myself back together." Her voice sounded so distant and cold.
Leroy couldn't believe what her daughter has become. She's far more distant that what he and his husband anticipated.
"Okay dear, I'm sorry for prying." He looks ahead and the sun was tucked away under the horizon. The sky had orange and pink slowly dissipating and melding with the dark sky above.
Rachel looks away from her father and a stray tear escapes her eye. Even though its been a few months saying Quinn's name was still a stab at her heart.
"So your father's back. How's he doing?" They've been talking for twenty minutes and he's kept an open mind about the entire conversation. Family drama and teenage insecurities are usually the cause for high school romances to end.
"He's okay, he apologized for everything and he's really trying to put our family back together. But I still feel like I can't be myself like how I feel when I'm here. Being pregnant is forgivable but being gay is unspeakable. I really don't want Rachel to get mixed up with my family. I can handle myself around them and put up with whatever they say but Rachel means everything to me and I just want to protect her." She looks at her twiddling thumbs all of a sudden feeling uneasy opening herself up to her ex girlfriend's father.
"Then you don't know my daughter."
Quinn looks up to meet his eyes but hearing those words made her realize that she never gave herself the chance to really get to know who Rachel truly is. She was to busy lying to herself, plotting her next moves and worrying about her secret getting out that she doesn't know a thing about Rachel.
He's been watching her intently trying to figure out if she's telling the truth. He did feel the need to reach out to her and let her know that his family still cares about her well being.
"So what's your plan exactly? Are you going to explain all this to Rachel in the hopes that she'll take you back?"
She has to think about that question. Now that she knows how badly she screwed up she doesn't know if there's even a chance Rachel will speak to her.
"No sir, I don't have an exact plan actually. It's been two months and I just believe that I shouldn't be running away from her. She deserves the truth one way or the other. I had to search really deep to figure out what I can say to get her to forgive me and I realized that..."
"Quinn?"
Her head whips around so fast and finally the soft brown eyes she's been wanting to gaze upon are finally here.
"Rachel." She quickly stands up from her chair and forces herself not to smile. She's really glad to see her but looking into Rachel's eyes she knew the feeling wasn't the same.
"What are you doing here Quinn?" Her voice was stern taken completely by surprise.
"I wanted to talk to you if it's all right. I know it's long over due and I don't deserve it but if you can just give me a few minutes." She didn't want to sound desperate but that's exactly how it sounded. It doesn't matter now anyways she left her dignity and pride a long time ago when she broke Rachel's heart.
Quinn noticed Leroy smile kindly towards her. He places his hand on his daughters shoulder and Rachel snaps out of her trance. She looks up at him and she remembered their conversation in the car not too long ago.
"Hiram, lets give these girls some privacy."
Hiram nods at his husband and stands up from his seat. Before leaving he smiles at Quinn and gives Rachel a kiss in her head.
Rachel is still standing in the entry way looking down at her. Quinn knew just seeing the look in her eyes that Rachel has changed.
"Rach..."
"Just say what you have to say Quinn. I've been through enough and there's really no need to go through the formalities."
"Of course, your right. I want to apologize for everything. Leaving you that night and lying about everything was one of the lowest points in my life." She pauses noticing the distance between them was unbearable. She takes a step forward but Rachel inches back a step.
"My dad's back Rachel." Quinn looks down defeated. She couldn't believe that her father even after two years of not being a part of her life still manages to ruin everything.
"The reason why I pushed you away was because I didn't want to involve you with my families drama. I thought I was saving you from an unfair relationship. I just didn't know what to do or say to make you realize that being with me was going to be a waste of your time. I can never be who you want me to be knowing my father is coming back into my life."
Rachel took a second to process what Quinn just said. It is understandable that Quinn would try to hide that fact but she could've confided in her.
"So this was all about you?"
"What? No? I was thinking about what was fair to you. Rachel, I know I made a huge mistake but I need you to know that I shouldn't have ran away from you. I should've been honest from the start but this is so new to me and I panicked."
"That's your excuse? Things just got a little problematic and you decided for the both of us what was best. How selfish are you to take away my choice Quinn? And to think that running away was your only solution."
Quinn knew this was going to be hard but listening to Rachel's backlash was just a little jarring.
"I didn't know anything else but to run Rachel. I'm not exactly the type of girl that falls in love and knows what to do when things get a little complicated."
"What did you say?"
Quinn looks away feeling uneasy.
"I said I was lost. I didn't know how to handle all these new emotions and with my dad wanting to come back I just didn't know what to do. I thought I was protecting you."
"Wow, even right now you still can't be honest with me."
Quinn takes a few more steps forward and was only a few steps away from Rachel. "What do you want to me say Rachel? It's not going to change anything. I can see how your looking at me. What's three little words gonna change about how you feel towards me?"
"At least I'll know the truth for once." She lashes out putting some distance between them. "At least hearing those three little words proves to me that what we had even if it was short lived was real. Even through all the lying and the games, you felt something real for me. But look at you Quinn, your apologizing to me for being a coward. For hiding the truth because you didn't think I can handle your problems. I wanted to be there for you, every single day I just wanted for you to realize that I want this just as bad. But you looked me straight in the eyes and decided for the both of us."
Quinn was on the verge of tears, she had no idea hearing the truth would hurt so bad. Rachel was completely right and now she has no idea what to do.
"Your right, I never gave you a chance and I didn't believe in you Rachel..." She takes two steps and was face to face with her brunette. "I took my love for you and shoved it away hoping to save you from my issues. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I should've believe that you're a lot stronger that I am. I love..."
"Don't." Rachel looks away from her gaze. "I don't want to hear it. You don't get to play that card. I'm broken Quinn, can you see that? Can you see the damage that you caused on me?" The tears she's been holding back finally escaped her eyes and she can feel the heartache creeping its way back into her heart. "Those two months of not knowing what really happened. All the times I reached out to you and you denied me. You left me thinking the girl I cared about didn't exist. To forget about her. So now that your ready to explain everything you expect me to just forgive you?" She places her hands in front of her chest to help her calm her breathing. She numbed herself from this agony a while ago so she can move on but with Quinn here the pain is gripping her heart and pulling it apart.
Quinn shut her eyes unable to say anything. Rachel is breaking down in front of her and she feels so helpless.
"I'm sorry Rachel." Her voice was quivering. "I'm sorry that I took you for granted. I didn't expect to feel this way towards you but I do. I regret breaking your heart and I hate myself even more for not handling it any better. I'm not asking for you to forget I'm asking for a second chance. A new beginning and I'm willing to wait." Her tears escape her eyes and she takes a step closer towards her brunette. "I'm sorry Rachel, I was stupid but I've never felt anything like this before. I want to be a part of your life and if you don't believe me I'll prove to you that I want this." She takes another step forward and delicately places her hand on Rachel's heart. "I want this Rachel. I'll fight for your love if I have too but you have to find it in your heart to forgive me."
Quinn's touch lifted the agonizing pain in her heart. She stared into her eyes and for once saw the girl she fell in love with.
"I need some time Quinn." Rachel takes Quinn's hand and gently holds it away from her heart. "Two months I've done nothing but think about you and what I did wrong, what I could've done differently, if what we had was real." Her tears started again. "I'm lost and I can't escape the heartache you inflicted in my heart." She pauses feeling the preasure in her heart. "I think you should go."
"Rachel please."
Quinn takes Rachel's hand and holds it up to her heart. Rachel pulls her hand from her grasp and walks away from her.
"Just go."
Shaking her head Quinn is distraught to hear Rachel's request. There was more she wanted to say but looking at Rachel she knew it was time to go. She bites her lower lip out of frustration but knew there was nothing more to say.
Hiram steps in the entrance overhearing their conversation from the other room. He walks over to his daughter and puts his hand on her shoulder to help her calm down. He looks at Quinn apologetically but his daughter has had enough for today.
Leroy steps in and stands next to Quinn. He looks down and smiles at her. "I'll walk you out sweetheart."
Quinn nods and knew there was nothing more she can say to make Rachel see how much she's changed.
"Thank you for letting me have a moment with your daughter." She stifles to get a word out unsure if she should say something to Rachel before she leaves. She wipes away her tears and looks at Rachel one last time.
Rachel was still looking away from her holding onto her father for support.
Quinn turns around not wanting to push her apology any further. She looks up at Leroy and when their eyes met he tightened his grip on her shoulder and gives her a comforting smile. They start walking towards the front door and an eerie feeling was settling in her heart.
Once they were out of sight of the kitchen Leroy walked in front of Quinn and gave her a heartfelt hug. Quinn was taken by surprise but was glad it happened.
"How are you Quinn?" Leroy releases her and they make their way to the front door.
Quinn turns to him with a disappointed smile. "I'm all right Mr. Berry thank you again for letting me talk to Rachel. I'm sorry if I put your family into any sort of stress the last couple of months. It hasn't been easy and I'm really sorry."
"Oh Quinn." He hated being so emotional. "You can always call me Leroy and nothing has changed we care about you too. Rachel is barely getting her footing but I know she appreciated you coming by. We missed you darling I truly hope that you girls can work all this stuff out."
"Me too."
Leroy opens the door for her and she looks back to see if Rachel would see her off but nobody was there. She feels so defeated but there has to be a way for Rachel to see how much she truly cares for her.
"It was really nice seeing you Quinn. Drive safe and hopefully we'll see you soon." He leans forward and gives her another hug.
"Thank you so much for everything."
She steps out of the house and the strange feeling she felt earlier was now clear. She never wants to walk out on Rachel ever again. All the feelings Rachel described to her was permanently lodged in her heart and she never wants to make her feel like that ever again.
Getting to bed last night was more difficult than she thought.
I'm broken Quinn.
Kept replaying over and over in her head. She dialed Rachel's number but it went straight to voicemail.
She knew that Rachel needed a day to process everything but the waiting and not knowing is driving her a little crazy. There was so much more she needed to explain and she needed to show Rachel a different side to her. She laid in her bed doubting herself.
Will I even get that chance?
"Rachel?" Hiram cracks open her bedroom door and takes a peek to see what his daughter was doing.
There was no answer and all he can see was a bundled up comforter that barely moved as he enters her bedroom.
"Rachel?" He takes a seat beside her but still no movement. He places his hand on her shoulder and says nothing.
Rachel was looking at the sunlight creeping through her shutters. She hasn't slept and she was no where near figuring out what to do with Quinn.
It looks like a beautiful day outside.
"I know how difficult it must be for you sweetheart. Going though a heartache isn't the easiest thing to overcome especially at your age. This is suppose to be the time that shapes who you are before you leave for college."
Rachel listens but doesn't know where her father is going with this. When it came to the break up her daddy has been the one consoling her she wonders what Quinn had said to him that's making him have this conversation with her now.
"A father can only wish that once their child is on their own that they'll be safe and grow from every experience they encounter. Quinn is learning from her mistakes and she's trying to fix it. Give her a chance and listen to what she has to say then you can decide for your own. But don't shut us out sweetheart we're here for you. Your dad and I will always be here for you."
"Thanks dad." Rachel doesn't move from her spot but was grateful that her father cared enough about Quinn to say something to her.
I really do miss you Quinn.
Rachel buries herself more in her comforters hiding from the truth. Hiram stands up and walks out of her room. She needs more time to think everything through tomorrow is a school day and there's no avoiding Quinn there. She needs to figure out what's best for her and today is a perfect day to sort out all her thoughts.
Monday
Quinn wakes up with a smile on her face something that hasn't happen for some time now. She gets ready for school putting on the best dress for spring to give her a little advantage for what's ahead. She does her hair and a little bit of make up. When she looks in the mirror she smiles finding her confidence again. If she were to get any sexier there's a chance Rachel's eyes might fall out and all this work would be for nothing.
Quinn takes out her phone and writes Rachel a quick text. She figured out last night that it didn't matter if Rachel wasn't speaking to her what's important was showing her how much she cares for her.
Good Morning Rachel! I know I shouldn't be texting you but I wanted to let you know that I can't wait to see you today. I'm feeling nervous thinking about it.
She holds her finger over the send button and for a second hesitates on sending the text. Maybe its too soon. She is opening herself up and leaving her guard down completely wide open just with this single text message.
"Quinn your going to be late!" Judy knocked and yells from behind her door.
Surprised by her mother Quinn accidentally presses send.
"Oh shit!" Quinn panics.
"Quinn! Get moving!"
"Calm down mom jeez! I'll be out in a minute!" She answers back.
She stares at her phone wanting to take back what she had written.
Shit, shit, shit!
She stood in her bedroom frozen starring at her phone. Five minutes past and she waits for a response but nothing came. Just get to school Quinn don't over think it. It was a nice text and she's probably not by her phone. You'll be fine.
When she stepped in the hallway it was like she was head cheerio again everyone couldn't take their eyes off her. She walked towards her locker ignoring all the googling eyes. Seeing Rachel and the text she sent out earlier was the only thought running through her mind.
"Damn Q! What are you trying to do pop some cherries with that dress you have on?" Puck swoops in by her side.
"What? Listen Puck I'm not having the greatest morning so do you mind." She waves her hand shooing him away.
"Damn and here I thought I was paying you a compliment. I see how it is."
She grabs his arm feeling bad for how she treated him. "I'm sorry, I'm having a rough start and thanks for the compliment."
"Apology accepted. So what's the occasion?"
"Nothing, I just realized that hanging out with you glee losers was better than feeling depressed and alone." She answers playfully.
"Gee thanks! So what about you and me grab some lunch later? Catch up."
"I have plans maybe next time?" She grabs her phone and checks to see if she had any new messages.
Nothing.
She slams her locker and walks to her first period class completely forgetting that Puck was beside her.
"Okay see you later Q!"
Her day is almost over and there was no sight of Rachel all day. Her plan for lunch didn't exactly work out because Kurt texted her earlier saying that Rachel wanted to be alone to think. Glee club was her last chance but singing in front of everyone is beyond frightening than singing in front of Rachel.
Almost everyone was settling in their seats when she heard Rachel's laugh by the entrance. She looks up and seeing Finn walking beside Rachel was infuriating her but what hurts the most is that Rachel seems to be in good spirit.
When Rachel noticed Quinn looking in their direction she felt a little guilty. She's been avoiding her all day because she didn't know what to say. Their eyes locked on one another until Rachel took her seat on one of the top risers. Mr. Shuester was excited about Nationals and was throwing ideas for the song selection.
She sat in her seat wanting to look behind her just to get a glimpse of Rachel. She can hear Finn trying to make small talk but Rachel doesn't seem to be engaged in the conversation.
The entire time in glee all they talked about was nationals once they figured out the song selection Mr. Shue wanted to talk about wardrobe and practice sessions.
"So what's your plan?" Santana leans over keeping her voice low so that no one can hear them.
Quinn turns her head slightly with a questioning look on her face. "No plan."
"Oh please if you want Frankenstein out of the picture so you can have an opening you know I can help with that."
"Like how had the entire rugby team slushy him, no thanks."
"All right I'm just offering. I'm glad to see you back to your old self again."
"Not my old self maybe someone better." She took the chance and looked back at Rachel.
Their eyes met for a second but Finn steered Rachel away. Quinn was really losing her patience with him.
Mr. Shue dismissed everyone but Quinn sat in her seat and waited for everyone to leave.
"Quinn let's go." Santana calls for her.
"I'm okay Santana I have to check something with Coach I'll see you girls tomorrow." She pretends to look at something from her binder while everyone walks around her.
"I'll walk you to your car Rachel." Finn insisted.
Rachel nods her head but keeps her eyes on Quinn. They walk out together and Quinn was left by herself in the choir room. She walks over to the piano and wished she knew how to play. She looked over to the empty seat where Rachel sat and wished she hadn't screwed up their relationship so badly.
"What am I to you?" She sings and presses a key on the piano.
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Vast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue
When you're feeling low
To whom else do you go
See I cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so
She remembered the look on Rachel's face when she told her the truth about slushying Finn. It was a sight she'll never forget Rachel's heart was breaking right infront of her eyes.
If my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball
When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I love you when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you
The memory of Rachel so happy after she gave her the little Tony award flashed in her mind. That's how she wants Rachel to be always happy and smiling.
Yeah well if my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
Never wanna part
I'm giving you the ball
When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me
Could you carve me in a tree
Don't fill my heart with lies
I will you love when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you
"What am I to you?"
She looks at all the empty seats and realized how much she grew joining glee club but it wasn't enough. She walks to her seat and grabs her binder when she turns around Rachel was standing on the doorway.