Let's get right into it, shall we?
Episode 2: Not So Happy Campers- Part 2
Last Time, on Total Drama Island!
Chris begins his first of many recap monologues. "Twenty-two campers have signed up to spend nine weeks right here, at this crummy old summer camp, then have to face the judgement of their fellow campers."
Flashback to Sheryl, saying, "It won't be hard, really."
Next it shows how wrong she was while focusing on the sheer height of the one thousand foot cliff. An appropriate voice clip from Mirella plays over the scene: "I don't like it."
(The theme song opens with Chris's intrusive cameras irritating the wildlife, despite how tough life already is for them. A clapperboard moves out of the way of a moving camera as it takes flight, passing Chris. And what have got to be some of the catchiest lyrics ever kick in.)
Dear Mom and Dad, I'm doin' fine,
(The camera stops, overlooking the cliff. It points down to spook out any viewers who are afraid of heights.)
You guys are on my mind.
(To further spook the viewers, the camera makes the thousand foot drop into the water below. Sheryl is also in the water, where she notices a fish. She grins and pounds her fist into an open palm.)
You asked me what I wanted to be, and now I think the answer is plain to see:
(On the water's surface, Damien and Karma sit on a canoe. Each of them is making a dramatic emo pose until they both turn to see a thoroughly pummelled fish rise from the water. They look confused at the fish before an eagle snatches it out of the water.)
I wanna be… famous!
(The overeager eagle drops its fish as it travels. Another camera view reveals Mirella, dancing elegantly. The fish falls on her mask, brushing it partially off her face. This causes her to curl up into a ball on the grass, which in turn causes Velvet to laugh. Francis looks on at the two and begins biting his fingernails.)
I wanna live close to the sun,
(Over a waterfall, another canoe floats towards a long fall. Its inhabitants are Jeremy, excitedly explaining something, and Robert, who appears to not even know how to listen. The boat finally tips over, and Jeremy freaks out while Robert continues to not react to anything.)
So pack your bags, 'cause I've already won!
(Another camera, near the middle of the waterfall, shows Whitney aimlessly spreading flowers from a basket. She turns to see Jeremy and Robert floating down the waterfall, and flings her basket away in shock. This prevents her from noticing Quinn swinging in on a vine, but luckily, instead of crashing into her, he catches her.)
Everything to prove, nothing in my way…
(The camera pans, following Quinn and Whitney as they swing. The girl starts to blush, but then the two crash into the confessional bathroom. Hector, who was in the confessional's doorway, trips and falls over. He starts falling asleep immediately. The camera zooms in to the dining hall. Can you smell what the Chef's cookin'?)
I'll get there one day,
(Well, he's cooking green sludge. He looks back to the two campers he's got tied up. Shuddering, Lisa and Mo turn to each other, the former shaking her head and the latter sticking out his tongue.)
'Cause I wanna be famous!
(To the left, a very angry Amber and a very scared Dwight are armwrestling. They are evenly matched, and no conclusion will be reached anytime soon. However, neither of them notice Claire running behind them with a tray of brownies. The camera zooms out from the dining hall, revealing Clyde peering in through the window in the door. He dodges as Claire jumps out said window, accidentally covering the lanky boy in brownie. She keeps running anyway.)
Na na nananana~, nananananana~, nananananana~!
(The camera follows Clyde as he walks towards Gail. Gail is attempting to socialize with a bear, but it smells the coat of brownie on Clyde. The two run to the left as the bear chases them.)
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous!
(The camera pulls out to show Timmy, shaking. He quickly swallows one of his pills and runs away. Seeing as he's gone, the camera pans right to the end of the dock of shame, where Iris is painting a picture.)
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous!
(Iris moves away to reveal her painting, and the camera zooms in on it. It's a picture of Greg and Sarah at the campfire, leaning in close to each other. The picture is replaced by the real thing. Unfortunately, the two are interrupted by a stream of bats flying into Sarah's face, and a distracted Greg starts trying to catch them as they fly away. From this nonsensical view, the camera moves back further, showing the rest of the 22 campers whistling along to that catchy theme song.)
"Okay!" starts Chris, surveying the swimsuit-clad teens he's about to torture, "Today's challenge is threefold. Your first task is to jump off this one thousand foot high cliff, into the lake!"
"I'm going to break all of my bones today," Timmy says loudly to himself.
Whitney wraps an arm around him and says, "It's okay! It's only a dive, the rest won't be so bad!"
"CURSES!" shouts Karma, "You'll make everything that much more deadly!"
As if to prove Karma's point, Chris continues, "If you look down, you will see two target areas." The two areas are shown: a smaller circle with a ten foot diameter at best, and a much larger, more comfortable-looking target. "The wider area represents the part of the lake we have stocked with psychotic… heheh!... man-eating sharks! Inside that area is a safe zone. That's your target area, which we're pretty sure is shark-free."
"Like it wasn't hard enough," quips Mo. "Why do we have to bother with a part two after that?"
"Don't worry," says the host, "you'll like this next part. For each member of your team that jumps and actually… survives, there will be a crate of supplies waiting below. Inside each crate are supplies you'll need for the second part of the challenge: building a hot tub! The team that has the best one gets to have a wicked hot tub party tonight! The losers… will be sending someone home."
Lisa raises her hand and says, "Excuse me, Chris, you miscounted earlier. You proclaimed this challenge to have three parts, but there are only two."
Chris frowns at her. "Yeah, I don't really care about math stuff."
"Well I don't really care about cliff-jumping," says Hector with a yawn.
"You know what," retorts Chris, "just for that, your team's going first. Killer Bass, you're up."
(Confessional: Hector)
"You might be wondering why a guy like me would sign up for this show. The answer is male modeling. If modeling scouts look for quote-on-quote "plus-size models," they usually mean someone who's thicker in all the right places, big muscles, nice thighs, and so on. So I've got to get my face famous before they make my face even more famous."
Killer Bass
"So," says Damien, "which of us will be the first to cut themselves from this useless mortal coil by plummeting to an aquatic grave below?"
After a comment like that, the Killer Bass are obviously still not willing to jump. You can practically hear the crickets chirping at the lack of action. Sarah and Francis look on in fear; Claire, Greg, Amber, and Whitney wait for someone else to go first; Damien and Karma continue to be dramatic; Hector and Robert seem too tired and stupid, respectively; and Quinn stands with his back facing the others mysteriously. None of them want to start.
From the other team's side, Iris says, "It should be survivable at least. They can't get away with this without interns testing it, right?"
Flashback to Chris talking to Chef Hatchet, not looking so threatening in flower print swim trunks and a floatie, about this very test.
"We need to test the stunts first," says the host, "you know that."
"Do I look like an intern!?" responds the more muscular man.
"No," reasons Chris, "but the ones we had are all in the hospital. Come on, just jump it, you big chicken!"
As Chris immaturely imitates a chicken, Chef puts on his goggles and mumbles, "I don't get paid enough for this, man."
He does take the leap, screaming the whole way down, and lands safely in the water. Unfortunately, he lands far, far from the target zone, so the safety won't last for very long. Blissfully unaware, he says, "Hey, I made it! I made it, man! I…."
His face dons a more scared expression. "Somethin' just brushed by my foot! Hey Chris, man, somethin' ain't right down here!"
A fin moves by him in the water, conveniently outside his view. Then, suddenly, he is dragged underwater. After a few seconds, Chef launches himself out of the water, waving his legs wildly and taking advantage of cartoon physics. "AAAAH! Down, boy!" he yells at a shark before running through the air to get to shore.
Chris watches the debacle with amusement. He notes, "Well, that seems safe enough."
"Is anyone going to start yet?" asks Greg, sitting on the ground like a dog would.
Quinn scoffs. "Of course not. They weren't prepared to face any sort of difficulty, but now it's here, and-"
"The f***'s gotten into him?" interrupts Claire as she watches a blond move to the front of the cliff. Francis takes a deep breath in, expecting the worst, and dives.
The 'Already Rich' tries not to scream, but eventually does, because c'mon, it's a thousand foot drop. He holds his diving pose until he meets the water and goes under. When he resurfaces, he chuckles a little at his own lack of sanity. And many other campers - even some from the other team - erupt in cheers.
(Confessional: Francis)
"I figured it's time I explained my motives before everybody starts hating me." He scratches his neck before showing his more confident side. "See, I didn't want to be born rich, and now it's defined who I am for some people. So I'm here, on TV, to tell the world that I'm not just the kid who's inheriting his dad's fortunes. I'm my own man, I always have been, and I'm willing to risk my life to prove it!"
The one person on the Killer Bass who's not impressed by Francis's dive is Quinn. The Question pushes past the others and makes his way to the front of the cliff. "There's no way I'll let myself be shown up by someone who doesn't deserve to be on this show," he whispers sharply. With a powerful jump and a perfect form, he launches himself from the cliff at the target zone. He falls quickly and gracefully, showing not a single sign of fear. When he splashes into the dead center of the target area, some of the others applaud yet again.
"I'll go next," Amber tells the others. "We need a strong representative from the female side for this one, and I believe I'm the most likely to survive."
"But I've got more buoyancy, if you catch my drift," says Claire, pointing at her… chest.
In response, Amber abruptly turns away, flustered. Every other Bass except Greg, Whitney, and Robert, the three who didn't catch the drift, have a similar reaction. "Yeah," decides Amber, "I'm out. I did not need that image in my head."
The Modern Knight speeds downwards towards the water. Fortunately, when she lands, Quinn and Francis are already aboard the first boat to shore. Amber hits the safe zone, and motions for the next boat to come.
Back at the top of the cliff, Hector had concocted a plan. "You're doing a good job," he tells Robert, "now keep stepping back. Three more should do it."
"Woah, hey!" yells Greg. "Are you trying to kill him!? Or are you just crazy!?"
Hector doesn't look at the Wild Child as he says, "No, I'm smart. Robert isn't. He wouldn't jump unless we convince him to." As he finishes speaking, the Beefcake falls from the edge uneventfully, without so much as a look of understanding as to what is going on. He splashes blankly in the safe zone, and doesn't resurface for a few seconds. When he does, Amber reluctantly helps him onto the ship.
"That makes it my turn, I guess," says Claire, stretching. "I've gotta prove I'm an asset to the team." As the same people from before groan and otherwise act awkwardly and uncomfortably, she adds quietly, "I love wearing a bikini."
The Klepto jumps a la cannonball, plummeting hard and fast into the water. She makes a large dunk in the same safe area as the others before her. When she rises out of the water again, she screams, "Woohoo!" and makes a symbol with each hand that must be censored by the network.
Meanwhile, the first quitter makes herself known. "After almost being jinxed, by not simply one, but two disturbed individuals, I have become fully certain that someone will die at this very challenge," reckons Karma. "And as I am prophesied to spread the darkness, I refuse to be the one who does."
"Alright, that's great and all," says Chris, "but unfortunately, that also makes you a chicken! So, you'll have to wear this for the rest of the day."
Karma glares at the host as he puts a chicken hat on her head. The demonic nature of her appearance is instantly ruined as the hat squeaks. "You cannot be serious," she spits.
"Bawk bawk bawk!" imitates Chris. He really likes chickens, and why shouldn't he? Chicken is a tasty food, a funny bird, and a dorky insult all rolled up into one word. "That means, the chicken path down is that-a-way," Chris concludes as he points her to an escalator. "Next!"
'Next' is Greg, who takes a running start at the end of the cliff. He falls without a care, howling like a wolf as he goes down. Then, he bumps into an extra part of the cliff that was jutting out, and didn't seem to be there before. After being sent spinning, he still manages to land in the safe zone out of what could be considered sheer luck.
Even if luck wasn't important before, it's all Sarah could think about when she got up to jump.
(Confessional: Sarah)
"I'm a dead woman."
The Chew Toy aims for a running start, only to trip at the last minute, sending her flailing downwards. She starts to scream, not because of the insane cliff dive itself, but because of where she sees she's about to land.
A clanging sound rings out, and the other campers recoil, cringing at the pain. She lies limply on the side of a buoy, almost unconscious. Things get even worse for her when she finally slides off, not into the safe zone, but into the area patrolled by bloodthirsty sharks.
"SARAAAAH!" yells Greg, not yet on the next boat, as he starts rapidly swimming towards her. Two fins rise up from beneath the water, neither very far away from the girl. The Wild Child jumps out of the safe zone and grabs on to her, but as he does, the sharks show him their toothy grins. In an attempt to intimidate the creatures, Greg lets out a guttural roar, loud enough to be heard by the campers still waiting on the cliff. It doesn't quite work as intended, but it does confuse the sharks enough to allow him to start swimming to the boat with Sarah on his back. The boy carries her on board the ship just in time. Sarah opens her eyes just enough to see Greg, looking down at her and smiling.
Then the latter shakes off water like a dog, getting some into both of the former's eyes.
"Well," says Chris, "that happened. Anyone else?" He stops smiling when Damien moves in close to him and starts whispering in his ear. "Are you sure?" asks the host, which the Edgelord only answers in whispers. Chris keeps going, "You can chicken out if you want, but it might end up costing your team the win. ...And then they'll hate you."
After even more whispering, Chris squeaks a chicken hat onto Damien's colorful hair. "Alright, here is your chicken hat." The angsty teen covers his face, either to hide his embarrassment or just to be dramatic, as he walks towards the elevator. Looking at his notes, Chris says, "So, let's tally up the results. Hold on: that's seven jumpers, and two chickens. We're missing a couple."
"I'm ready to go," cheers Whitney, "but I want to help Hector go, too!"
Hector sighs for a full ten seconds before saying, "Ugh, what a pain… I'm the heavy one, why do I have to jump?"
Whitney gives the larger boy a nice, cosy hug. "Aww, Hector, it's okay. You don't have to let people's comments about your weight get to you. I just know you're as capable as everyone else!"
When the 'Purest of the Pure' lets go of him, Hector blinks twice in surprise. "That's not even what I was thinking when I said that," he comments. The Unmotivated Motivator gives himself enough time to let out a big yawn before deciding, "Fine. I'll go." Grumbling, he trudges over to the cliff and jumps at the latest possible moment. As he falls, he grows more and more awake, realizing his situation. He finally screams in the last few seconds of the fall before splashing heavily in the safe zone.
Whitney claps excitedly. "Oh my goodness oh my goodness! It's finally my turn!"
"Yeah," says Chris, unamused, "now go!"
"YEEEAH!" yells Whitney before even preparing her running start. When she does take the leap, she continues to scream in joy the whole way down. She lands softly in the water, announcing, "That was so COOL!" when she resurfaces.
"Okay," says Chris, looking down, "so that's nine jumpers and two chickens. Screaming Gophers! If you can beat that, we'll throw in some pull-carts to put your crates on. So, guys, who's up first?"
Screaming Gophers
Nobody volunteers. At least, not for a short while, until Sheryl realizes it's her time to shine. "Time to score one up for the Bombshell!" she calls out as she runs to the edge of the cliff. "I get dibs on the sharks!"
Her teammates watch her, now with a confused expression, as she goes flying off of the cliff. Sheryl continues to move forwards as she falls, so that she would be far outside of the safe zone when she lands. But for her, that's all part of the plan. If you can even call it that.
She crashes into the water, making the largest splash thus far. The two sharks growl and bare their teeth, ready for a meal, to which the Center of Attention pumps her fists up. When the first shark reaches her, she delivers a brutal uppercut to its nose, the motion being powerful enough to knock the creature straight up out of the water and onto its back when it lands. Sheryl catches the second shark as it comes close, lifts it above her head, and throws it at the other shark, slamming them both into a rock behind them.
(Confessional: Sheryl)
"For those of you who can't tell, I have a winning ability to win. I know it sounds redundant, but it's not. See, anyone skilled enough can win things, but my skill at winning surpasses everyone else's. That's always been the case for the Bombardier- in school, at home, when I'm working, and of course, in every competition ever. So, if you're betting against me back at home, prepare to lose. Horribly."
The rest of Sheryl's team continues to watch as she bludgeons the sharks, almost to a point of excess. The two boys not watching are Dwight, because he's scared of the sharks, and Timmy, because he's scared of the sharks and the cliff and the possibility that he could land on a boat and how deep the water might be and the strange dark clouds in the water which may or may not be real and Sheryl herself. Nevertheless, Gail puts a hand on both of them and says, "Hey little guy and fighter guy, the sharks have been dealt with. Ya two can go!"
Dwight uncovers his eyes and shakes himself out of his funk. "You… are right," he says, "I cannot let fear take over. I must master my fear!" He walks up to the cliff, but his walk turns into a run, and then even into a sprint. The True Fighter puts on a grin, saying, "I must use my fear to push myself further! I must-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"
He interrupts himself with his own scream when he realizes he's falling. He tries to look determined and turn his cry for help into a battle cry, but it just doesn't work out. Dwight lands in the safe zone, but scares himself again when he gets an eyeful of his own wet hair. He pushes his hair away and quickly gives a thumbs-up to his team, some of whom clap for him.
"See, little guy?" says Gail, moving Timmy's hands from his eyes, "it's totally safe now. Now get yourself goin', b'cause we gotta win!"
Timmy stares into space for a short time, then his head slowly rolls down to look at the water. When he sees Dwight, Sheryl, and the bruised-up sharks, he breaks again. "Nope, nope, nopenopenopenopenope," he chants, taking another one of his pills. Unfortunately for him, Gail won't let him escape. "S'okay," she says, "ya can jump wit me. C'mon!"
The Nature Worker grabs his hand and runs straight off the cliff, dragging the nerdy boy behind her. She lets go of his hand and cheers out, "WOOHOO!"
The Heavily Medicated isn't handling the drop nearly as well. "WaaaaAAHAHAAAAH!" he yells as he falls, actually crying. He lands conveniently on top of Gail in the safe zone, and tries as desperately as he can to stand on top of her instead of touching the water.
(Confessional: Gail)
"Fear's a totally natural thing, y'all. And I know just how ta fix up a fear! Ya confront the source, y'know? S'worked for me, and for ma animal friends, so I just knew it would work for the little guy. Seems like he's got lotsa fears, so I'mma have ta work real hard on him!"
(Confessional: Timmy)
Rocking back and forth on the seat, he says, "Traumatized… for life. Traumatized… for life. Traumatized… for life. Trau-"
(The footage cuts out.)
The three campers other than Sheryl, who's still beating the sharks' rubbish mentality into submission, board the next boat, freeing up the safe zone for more jumpers. On the other hand, the edge of the cliff is occupied by a latina in a purple wetsuit, mumbling to herself.
"1000ft or 304.8m fall; acceleration due to gravity at 9.81m/(s^2); surface tension of water generally existing at 0.085515oz/ft; approximate wind pressure of-"
"Lisa?" asks Chris, half annoyed and half concerned, "Are you going?"
Lisa turns to the host and explains, "In order to properly ensure my survival, I deem it necessary to-" And then she trips and falls backwards off the cliff, screaming, "I did not anticipate this outcoooome!"
She doesn't hit the water as poorly as she'd expected, either. "No injuries, no sharks in this area… this is acceptable. Yet it seems highly inaccurate." She waves to her team, and to the next boat to pick her up.
The geekiest contestant stands near the edge of the cliff, expecting it to be his turn next. "Yeah," he says to himself, "there's no way I'm going to survive this. Decaman turns invisible, not invincible. And I can't fly either, because I'm not actually Decaman. So I've got to resort to anime for help."
After his self-pep talk, Jeremy turns to his teammates for aid. "Can I get one of you to call me your friend?" asks the redhead. "I need the power of friendship to get me through this." In response, Clyde and Iris give him weird looks, Mo does nothing in particular, and Velvet starts chuckling at him insultingly. Mirella sighs and walks closer to him. Jeremy looks expectantly at her, saying, "What's up, are you too embarrassed to say it in front of the others?" But Mirella doesn't say anything; she shrugs and walks past him. The masked girl takes her own jump, which consists of about 37 rotations as she does forward flips the whole length of the fall. Her landing in the water is akin to that of a swan's in sheer grace. Everyone who had dived up to that point, excluding Quinn and Sheryl, is visibly dumbfounded by her moves.
Mirella herself is also dumbfounded by her dive, but she won't show it. Confidence is everything. She climbs onto the next boat with Lisa without a single expression.
(Confessional: Jeremy)
"Yeah, maybe I was having trouble with what parts of my knowledge I'd need to exploit to survive this fall. Then I saw Miss Masquerade's crazy-cool, crazy-obnoxious jump and I thought to myself, 'Jeremy, you idiot, it's a cartoon! Of course you won't die!' ...Man, I already love this place!"
Jeremy falls from the cliff like everyone else, but he flails his arms around in order to control where he's falling. He screams halfway down the cliff, but he does somehow land in the safe zone, and even more questionably, he does survive. He grabs onto the boat Lisa and Mirella boarded, but doesn't get on before the boat leaves for the shore, so he clings tightly to the ship as he passes by the sharks, now unconscious. To make matters worse, the powerful Sheryl grabs onto his leg, and he winces in pain as the boat drags them away.
Back on the cliff, drama breaks out between the remaining four campers, much to Chris's pleasure. "Now that only four of us remain, only three of us need to jump," explains Velvet, "so if I want to sit this one out, I will."
Clyde looks down on her (not his fault, he towers over her short stature) and complains, "But I can't jump, I'm severely afraid of drowning. I have been ever since I was seven. What's stopping you, strange one?"
"First of all," spits Velvet, "you're one to talk, if we're accusing people of being weird. And second, look at my face! Are you going to force me to ruin the makeup, or are you going to jump!?"
"You'd throw the challenge to keep your makeup?" asks Clyde. "Why would you even apply for this show if you weren't willing to ruin your looks?"
Velvet scoffs in fake shock. "Well excuse me for having a reputation to keep! I'm sure you don't have anyone back home who wants anything to do with your suspicious face, so you wouldn't have to deal with that, now would you?"
Iris comes between them, having chosen a side. "Velvet, come on, he shouldn't have to jump! Fears aren't things to be brushed aside. If he's scared of drowning, don't push him into the water. I expected better from you!"
"And I expected nothing from him," says Velvet, pointing at Clyde, "and that's exactly what he's shown us. Nothing."
"Well," says Mo, "let me make the decision easier for all of you." The short boy is already standing at the ledge, and he kindly trips himself off it. He falls from the cliff upside down, such that his hair still covers his eyes. As he drops, he yells out, "WHATEVEEEER!"
Sounds of the boy gently hitting the water and resurfacing can be heard as the last three campers atop the cliff discuss Clyde's fear.
"If he's not confident, we can't make him do it," says Iris. "Go on, Clyde, you can take the chicken hat. None of us will think less of you for it."
"Except me," notes Velvet, "and everyone who even slightly agrees with me. So go on, be a loser."
Clyde frowns. "You would've given up if I didn't, and you can't expect less than nothing from me, so…." The lanky boy cranes his neck towards Chris, who shudders. "Chris, I'll be taking a chicken hat now."
Chris pulls a chicken hat out from behind his back, and Clyde places it gently on his head. As he walks to the escalator, Iris steps up to the plate, looking nervous. She turns back to Velvet, who is scowling as much as she can. Iris sighs and calls back to her, "Just… please do the jump, okay?"
The bohemian becomes the Gophers' ninth jumper, but she jumps in silence. For the first half of the drop, she feels only fear, but as she continues to descend, she enjoys the experience more and more. When she resurfaces from under the water, she gives a content sigh with a pleased look on her face.
And after it was over, the team could only rely on their least reliable teammate. "Okay campers, there's only one person left," announces Chris, making it official. "You guys need this jump for the win!" He turns to Velvet and adds, "No pressure dude," but she just raises an eyebrow. When he then calls out, "Okay, there's pressure!" she just rolls her eyes. Below her, the rest of her team yells at her to do it, some encouragingly, some insecurely, some angrily, and some not really caring that much.
To make the whole situation even more anticlimactic, she just jumps. No long stretch of mental preparation or anything. Of course, she does shriek the whole way down into the water.
"WHYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
At the end of her ear-splitting wail, she lands with a very small splash, being a very small girl. When she rises out of the water, her team cheers for her, but some of them freeze in fear when they see her entire face has gone purple. Her makeup might've even slightly changed the color of the water around her.
Chris calls down from above, "The winners… the Screaming Gophers!" Velvet just glares at her team as the boat comes by. "We better be," she says, "Or they'll feel my wrath."
Screaming Gophers
The victorious team walks along the beach towards the campgrounds. The more friendly personalities sang, "49 bottles of pop on the wall, 49 bottles of pop! If one of those bottles should happen to fall…."
The group stops singing and slows their movements as Quinn silently runs through them, carrying one of the Bass crates above his head. He dodges past the carts and the other competitors as he leaps in front and takes the lead. "Something tells me he is not much of a team player," says Mirella. After a few seconds of silence, the singers start back up with, "48 bottles of pop on the wall!"
Killer Bass
As the team without pull-carts, this team's crates are being moved at a much slower pace. Robert is pushing two boxes by himself, but he needs Whitney to help him steer; Damien in his chicken hat pushes a box that Hector is pulling for smoother sailing; Francis and Greg are near each other moving a couple; Claire and Karma work another two; and that leaves Sarah and Amber on the last.
"Where do you think Quinn is?" Damien asks Karma as they move near each other. She says, "Probably dead," and he nods in agreement. Claire, next to them, says, "Hey, at least he's got a crate. Less work for the rest of us."
Back a short ways are Greg and Francis, and the wealthier of the two begins to talk. "I saw how you moved in the water to get Sarah, and I've got to say, I was impressed," he says. Greg responds, "I guess, but you jumping first was cool too! I just wanted to save her 'cause she's cute."
"Do you… like her?" asks Francis, "As in… like, 'like' her?"
Greg gives him a confused look. "What does that mean? Why'd you say 'like' twice?"
Francis stares at the Wild Child for a short time, then shakes his head. "You're not kidding, are you? You really don't get it… Well, what I mean is…."
The camera cuts away from their conversation to show Sarah and Amber in the back. Sarah complains, "Ow! Another splinter! How many is that?"
"Seven," says Amber with a sigh.
"Sorry you're stuck with me," Sarah apologizes. "I'll keep quiet."
Amber shrugs. "It doesn't bother me that much, my lady. At least with your situation I know you're not lying like a coward."
Screaming Gophers
"32 bottles of pop on the wall, 32 bottles of pop!"
As the singing continues, Iris sees a shell on the beach. She wanders away from her pull-cart and picks it up in curiosity. Mirella, who was sharing the cart with her, taps her on the shoulder, saying, "Andiamo." Iris lifts an eyebrow, so Mirella translates to "Let's go," and the two do just that to catch up with the singing.
"If one of those bottles should happen to fall…."
Killer Bass
Adding insult to injury, the losing team seems to keep finding ways to fall further behind. The first to start this trend is Robert, who says, "I need to go poo."
"Aww, that's okay," says his partner Whitney, "you can go into the woods for that!"
Robert leaves, but at his usual tragically slow speed. Hector groans at this. "Great," he says, "guess we'll just keep losing." He sits down in the sand and adds, "If that's the truth, I might as well take a break."
"Oh hell naw!" yells Claire. "Get your tush in gear, bud! We can't afford to lose!"
But she looks back as an "OW!" rings out behind her.
"Splinter in your eye?" asks Amber, pushing the crate as Sarah holds a hand over her eye. The shorter girl says, "No; first something bit it, then in trying to cover it up I put a splinter in it."
"That… doesn't really seem possible."
"Welcome to my life," Sarah deadpans.
Screaming Gophers
"...should happen to fall, 28 bottles of pop on the wall!"
The singing ends as Jeremy announces, "There's the cabins! We made it!"
"And there's an open crate just lyin' there," Gail notes.
"That would be from the other team's runner," Clyde reminds her. "Quinn, I believe his name was."
"Oh yeah, ya right, guy," Gail nods.
(Confessional: Quinn)
"So I make it back to camp with plenty of time to spare, and I open my crate - with my teeth, mind you, that's Chris's idea of funny - and nobody else is around, so I get up on top of the cabin and take a rest. The Gophers take ten minutes to arrive, and I figure the rest of the Bass would be there soon." He pauses, putting his face in his hands before looking back at the camera. "An hour and a half later, they're still not there! Are they trying to lose!?" He groans. "So yeah. No more optimism. I didn't think my team could be this pathetic… but they just keep finding new ways to disappoint me."
Killer Bass
Robert trudges back to his crates without a word. "Finally!" Claire says with an eye roll.
"Great!" Whitney replies with a beaming smile. "Let's get going again! Whee!" She helps direct Robert as he pushes on once more.
However, not the whole team is ready. Francis looks over at a certain boy asleep on the ground and says, "Hey, Hector, we're going again. Wake up!"
In response, Hector does nothing.
Greg starts to poke him all over, saying, "Hey Hector! Hey Hector! Hey Hector!"
In response, Hector does nothing.
Amber walks over, kicks him in the kiwis, and walks away.
In response, Hector howls in pain and curls over. "WHY would you do that!?" he asks incredulously.
"It's the fastest way to get a male's attention, my lord," Amber retorts, "now get up and get moving!"
Hector groans, slowly standing up while cringing in pain. Damien gives him a look that could be interpreted as sympathetic.
(Confessional: Amber)
"When people think of knights, they think of white males, and I don't fit that description. But my lady and I will tell you just how heroic and hardworking I am, and she gave me my title because of my work ethic and dedication. So when I see a man, especially a white man, slacking about and being vain, I get ticked off. People think that lazy male is more likely to be a knight than me. So it's understandable, right? I'm not a man-hater, I'm a lazy-man-hater."
Screaming Gophers
"I said you could only use your teeth," Chris repeats. "C'mon, I was proud of that twist."
"Yes," Dwight nods, "but some have already found a loophole to that." He points Chris to Mo, Iris, Jeremy, and Velvet, who were now pulling on the lids of their crates with ropes. "And what I'm offering still uses my jaw, at least. I want to hit it with my chin."
"You… think you can do that?" Chris asked skeptically.
"I can," Dwight affirms with a determined smile.
Chris smiles back. "Let's see you try, dude," he says.
A few of the other Gophers watch and move closer as Dwight closes his eyes and prepares himself for the strike, stretching his neck. He takes a deep breath in, then slams his chin down on the edge of the crate as if he was doing one of his karate moves with his neck, and the board breaks, letting the contents of the box spill out. Dwight grins, and the other campers cheer, but he quickly realizes a problem. "Splin-splinters… SPLINTERS IN MY CHIN!" He promptly freaks out and begins running around while waving his arms wildly.
"Think of it as wooden stubble!" Jeremy calls out.
Everyone immediately turns to the Cartoon-Loving Cartoon, and they just… stare.
"What?"
Killer Bass
After a while of walking, Robert finally realizes he now has another problem. "My bum itches," he complains, "somebody scratch it."
"Umm, no thanks!" Whitney replies politely, trying not to be disturbed.
"I guess I'll do it then," Robert concedes, and he stops walking to scratch his bum. Chris drives up in an ATV to be greeted with that concerning sight. "You guys are way behind the other team," he says, "like, way behind. What's the problem?"
"Robert's got an itch," Sarah sighs. One of her eyes is now pink and swollen, with a splinter stuck between her eyelashes. Chris notices this and says, "Gah! Oh my boxers that's bad!"
Greg walks over to Robert and begins asking questions. "So, when you bent down, were there leaves there?"
"Yeah…?" he says unsurely.
"Were they round and flat, like this big?" Greg makes a shape with his hands.
Robert thinks for a while, then nods.
"Ah, that's, that's… I forget the name."
"Poison ivy?" Sarah interjects.
"Yep, that's it!" Greg grins at Sarah. Robert's eyes widen. "Ooooh noooo," he groans deeply.
Chris laughs. "No way! That's awesome! Hahaha!"
"Turn the itch into energy, Rob!" Hector advises.
Robert begins running with the crates as he screams, "Aaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Screaming Gophers
The Gophers are looking through their crates as they prepare to build.
"Here's the wood, I have it," Iris announces softly.
"Tools are on me," Mo replies.
"And my crate has the pool liner," Mirella finishes with a smile, "buonissimo."
Velvet, with her makeup redone, walks up to Clyde as he searches through his crate and clears her throat. He turns to look at her.
"I wanted to take a minute to apologize to you about what happened back on the cliff," Velvet explains. "You and Iris were right; I had no right to throw aside your fears just so I could look good on TV. And I think, in the right circumstances, you could be a very valuable teammate."
Clyde raises an eyebrow. "Is that so? In that case, I apologize as well for acting with such hostility."
"Don't worry about it," Velvet grins, or maybe grimaces. "Are we good now?"
"Indeed," Clyde smiled as he offered a hand, and Velvet shook it.
(Confessional: Velvet)
"What an absolute idiot!" She laughs. "I meant none of that garbage! He'll only be a valuable teammate when we have to vote someone off, because he'll be gone first! Hahahahaha!"
(Confessional: Clyde)
"They say not to judge a book by its cover, yet that happens to me on a daily basis. My appearance and demeanor can be seen as… let's say, abnormal. Many people will try to apologize to cover for their innate distrust of me, and sometimes it's hard for me to determine whether the apology is genuine or not." He smirks. "Fortunately… kyehihihi… Velvet's a terrible liar."
The Gopher campers are gathering the parts to their hot tub when Timmy yells, "INCOMING! RUN FOR COVER!"
A scream is heard coming up the hill as Robert, shoving his two boxes, barrels towards the Gophers. Timmy, Dwight, Velvet, and Mirella jump out of the way, but Robert falls over just short of crashing into them and begins scratching his butt furiously. The other Bass follow at a slower pace.
"There y'all are," Gail smiles at the other team, "but what's up wit that guy?"
"He has scorned his own behind with the curse of poison ivy," Karma replies dramatically.
"I mean, I guess that's worrisome," Jeremy shrugs, "but what about your eye?" He points to Sarah.
"Splinters, bug bites, and I think I narrowly dodged a bee sting," the Chew Toy lists.
Jeremy is about to respond when Sheryl picks him up and turns him around. "Enough distractions! We can't lose this, idiot!"
"I believe I should be project manager, since I know the intricate measurements of the type of hot tub we are to build," Lisa says. "To start…."
Lisa isn't the most fascinating speaker in the world, so the camera pans to the Killer Bass.
"I don't know why she's so serious," Damien says in a melancholy tone, "we can't win. We're too far behind, we might as well give up."
"Oh no we're not," says a voice from afar as a person lands on the ground from atop the Bass cabins. Quinn walks up to the group, saying, "After all that time you all wasted, we're not just going to let that team win. We're making a comeback, right here, right now."
"But we haven't even opened our crates," Hector complains.
"Then maybe we should get on that, right!?" Quinn begins clapping loudly and demands, "get to work, people! Now!"
Building Montage!
Under Lisa's direction, Mirella, Sheryl, and Dwight quickly manage to set up the base for the hot tub. They high-five.
Under Quinn's direction, Greg, Robert, and Amber clumsily set up the base for the hot tub, and it collapses. Quinn smacks the nearest person to him, Greg, with his hat.
Jeremy holds two pieces in place as Mo hands a hammer to Gail. She nails the two pieces together with ease.
Claire tries to grab a hammer from Francis, and they both tug on it for a while. Eventually, it flies out of their hands and into Sarah's knee, knocking her over.
Timmy, Iris, Velvet, and Clyde have a perfect system for passing buckets and water around. They fill their tub slowly, taking their time and not wasting any water or energy.
Hector and Karma hurry to tape the base together as Damien and Whitney run back and forth with buckets from the shore to the tub. The water is going everywhere.
Chris's inspection begins, and he goes to the Gophers first. He looks at it suspiciously, but it seems stable, and the water is bubbling just as it should be. Everything is in order. Chris decides, "This… is an awesome hot tub!"
The Gophers cheer at what looks like an easy victory.
Chris moves to the other tub, with its duct taped structure and lukewarm water. He gives it a few taps and a leak pops, spraying him in the face. The tub may not have broken completely, but it got Chris's stubble wet. The ultimate insult.
"Well, I think we have a winner here," Chris declares with a smile, "the Screaming Gophers!"
The Gophers cheer more as he continues, "Gophers, you're safe from elimination, and you get to rock this awesome hot tub for the rest of the summer! Bonus!"
Then, Chris turns to the disappointed Bass team. "Killer Bass, what can I say? It sucks to be you right now," he tells them. "I'll see your sorry butts at the campfire tonight."
Various groans and scoffs come from the Bass.
Main Lodge
The Gophers eat Chef's troubling food calmly, but the Bass feel nothing but tension. "So… did we win?" Robert asks.
"Of course not," Damien answers gloomily, "and now we've got to lose one of our own."
"And it makes sense that you're upset, because you and Karma are the easiest candidates," Claire says with a smirk.
"Why would you betray me!? I can bring your demise!" Karma threatens.
"You already brought our demise in the challenge," Hector snarked.
Whitney gives a sad look. "Hey, don't be mean!" she says. "I'm sure she didn't mean it!"
"I didn't, as despised as I am," Damien drones.
"Oh really?" Amber asks skeptically, "Why do you have a chicken hat then!?"
Damien ducks his head and whispers, "I'm afraid of heights…."
"Oh, well why didn't you say so?" Francis asked with a light smile.
Damien ducks farther downward, clearly embarrassed.
"What did Karma say again?" Greg asks Sarah. Hmm, why did he choose her…?
Sarah rolls her eyes. "Something about a curse, and people dying."
"Precisely!" Karma yells. "Curses!"
"But nobody died, did they!?" Quinn shouts back.
Karma reasons, "Perhaps not, but soon-"
"Oh shut up." Quinn interrupted. "You're delusional, you have no worth, you failed us in every way, and you're going home. The end."
"Wow," Amber says. "I know I'm harsh, but that was a little too far even for me."
"Brutal honesty," Quinn counters simply, still glaring at Karma.
"Quinn, maybe-" Whitney begins, but Quinn adds, "My point still stands, she's going home."
"But still-" Francis tries to speak, which for the Question, is the straw that breaks the camel's back.
"Why do I have to listen to you, rich kid!? Why does anyone listen to you!?" he yells. "You know what; screw it. I'm done here. Karma's going home, we can all leave now." The mysterious man stands up and walks briskly out.
Slowly, the other Bass start to leave for the campfire, but Francis pulls Greg aside. "Can we talk?"
First Campfire Elimination Ceremony
The eleven, soon to be ten, teens sit on stumps with the campfire in front of them. "Should I go home here," Karma warns, "the fate of this team shall be eternally sealed." Hector lazily shushes her.
"Killer Bass," Chris begins a monologue, "at camp, marshmallows represent a tasty treat you enjoy by the fire. At this camp, marshmallows represent life."
Claire makes a silent, but very exaggerated gasp.
"You've all cast your votes and made your decisions," Chris continued. "When I call your name, come up, and claim your marshmallow. The camper who does not receive a marshmallow tonight must return to the Dock of Shame, to catch the Boat of Losers. That means, you are out of the contest, and you can't come back. Ever. The first marshmallow goes to… Francis."
"Thank you, team," Francis gives everyone a smile as he heads up.
"Hector."
"Sweet," Hector grins and grabs his marshmallow after Francis.
"Amber."
Amber bows and takes her marshmallow.
"Whitney."
"Yay!" Whitney cheers as she bounces up to take her treat.
"Greg."
Greg jumps up and runs to Chris.
"Robert."
Robert walks to Chris with no emotion.
"Claire."
Claire chuckles before getting her marshmallow.
"Damien."
Damien lets out a sigh, most likely of relief.
"Sarah."
"Wow," she comments, "lucky me!" Then she trips on her way over to Chris. "Dang it!"
Quinn rolls his eyes as he notices he and Karma are the only two left.
"Campers," Chris notes, "this is the final marshmallow of the evening."
Karma watches Chris determinedly, with more anger than worry on her face.
Quinn seems irritated, and that's about it.
Over time, the two get progressively more nervous.
Chris opens his mouth, as if to speak. The two lean closer.
Chris waves a pointed finger in the air, then brings it down, pointing from one to the other, to one to the other, to one to the other.
Both Quinn and Karma get more nervous, but progressively more serious and angry.
Chris taps his chin as if in thought, absolutely living for the tension of the vote reveal.
The contestants are not. They're clearly stressed, straining themselves intensely just sitting there and watching his sadistic act, waiting for their name to liberate them. One of them will hear it, and the other will be gone.
And at long last, Chris reveals the last safe camper….
"Karma."
The goth girl stands up. "You've made the correct decision," she says as she takes her dessert from the host.
"No, no they didn't," Quinn replies in annoyance, with his face in one of his hands. "They kept you - you - over me. I could've won any competition, but… you're all idiots." He stands up and drops his hands. "You know, I'm glad I don't have to live with you people anymore."
He walks past Chris, who says, "Dock of Shame is thataway, bro," to which the Question replies bluntly, "I know."
"I didn't vote for you!" Whitney calls out to him. He calls back, "That's nice," as the Boat of Losers arrives.
(Confessional: Mirella)
"Well, as much as this place is terrible - and it is truly a terrible place, I assure you - I might as well put my fullest effort into this game. It is not like I would not have a use for one hundred thousand dollars. While I very much despise the log cabin and bunk bed life, if the challenges are physical, my athletics should keep me immune. Non mi piace, ma posso vincerlo adesso! (I don't like it, but I can still win it!)"
Cabin Area
"To the Screaming Gophers!" Gail proposes her toast in the hot tub, and Mo, Iris, Mirella, and Clyde join her. "The Screaming Gophers!"
In front of the tub, Sheryl starts dancing, cheering, "Go Gophers, go Gophers, go! Go, go Gophers!" Jeremy and Dwight join her in the dancing and cheering as the Bass walk by in front in the dark. Damien looks over at them as he walks by.
(Confessional: Damien)
"That's the closest to elimination I ever want to be… and it was terrifying. I was scared for my… oh, crap. Did I just… please don't let this air, producers! Please!"
After-Credits Scene: Quinn's Audition Tape
A dim light turns on, revealing nothing more than Quinn's face.
"You don't know who I am. You don't know what I want. If you are thinking I'm greedy, I can tell you I don't want money. But what I do offer are a particular set of skills, skills I have acquired through a very harsh lifestyle. Skills that make me a blessing for people like you. If you let me on the show now, that'll be the end of it. I will not offend you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."
The light turns off.
Votes:
Amber voted for Karma: "It wasn't smart of you to keep from jumping, my lady. This team's work ethic will benefit from you leaving."
Claire voted for Karma: "You chickened out, and your whole 'Eviltude McDarkness' shtick just turns me off. I'd say it's not personal, but it is. I just don't like you, girl."
Damien voted for Quinn: "As much as Karma bothers me, I could've been in her position today. And I don't want to be the target of a tirade like the one you gave to her."
Francis voted for Quinn: "I wouldn't be doing this if you didn't keep questioning my integrity and right to be here. Hopefully, I convinced everyone to get rid of you to keep the drama from spreading too much."
Greg voted for Quinn: "My buddy Francis told me this was a good idea, and he's a cool guy. Plus, you're a little mean. No offense."
Hector voted for Quinn: "I can't justify getting rid of Karma for being bad in challenges when I'm also bad in challenges. So uh... buh-bye."
Karma voted for Quinn: "The Raven Queen of darkness will tear your soul from your body. Perhaps you'll be of more use to me in the next life."
Quinn voted for Karma: "I don't have to say it again, but I will anyway. You're going home."
Robert voted for Karma: "This is what the guy with the hat said, right?"
Sarah voted for Quinn: "Frankly, I'm more scared of you than I am of Karma's curse talk, and my life is scary enough as is."
Whitney voted for Sarah: "As much as I really like you, I'm scared for you. If you stay here too long, you might get really really hurt, so this is for your own good. I'm super sorry!"
Gophers: Clyde, Dwight, Gail, Iris, Jeremy, Lisa, Mirella, Mo, Sheryl, Timmy, Velvet
Bass: Amber, Claire, Damien, Francis, Greg, Hector, Karma, Robert, Sarah, Whitney
Eliminated:
22nd Place- Quinn, the Question
So, umm... yeah, that happened. I wanted to start things off with a bang, and what better way to do that than a blindside right off the bat?
Speaking of blindsides, I consider my characters in general to be more strategy-forward than most of canon's. I plan to have a fair number of alliances, and I'll be naming the most important ones because it's fun.
Anyway, thanks for reading! I can't promise when or how often I can update this story, but I'll be doing my best. In the meantime, if you like this story or anything about it, please review with whatever feedback you want to give. I'm open to a lot of different things, and it would really boost my confidence to see any kind of support!
See you all next time with feasts, Chef as a ballerina, and the history of Canada, on Totally Wrong Drama Liesland!