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Chapter 9

Sorrow

6 May 1998

Remus lay in bed, looking up at the ceiling. Teddy had woken a few minutes ago, but Remus had heard Andromeda go into his son's room. He wondered if his mother-in-law had gotten as little sleep as Remus had.

Nightmares, which had been plaguing him nightly since the Battle, weren't the reason for his restlessness the night before. He simply hadn't been able to drift off for more than a few minutes before he woke again, dreading the day ahead.

Today, he would bury his wife.

Even though he'd had no illusions that they would all make it through the war unscathed, there was nothing that could have prepared him for this. Despite the fact that she was already gone, had been for days now, he had no idea how he was going to say good-bye to her today.

Remus rolled to his side, staring at Dora's pillow. There was still a slight indentation from where her head had lain. Reaching out a hand, he ran his fingers lightly over it. If he closed his eyes, he could imagine it was her cheek he was stroking and she was smiling up at him.

Sighing, he rolled to his back once again. He could imagine all he wanted, but it wasn't going to change anything that had happened. The longer he laid in bed wishing for things he couldn't have, the worse the day was going to be. He sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and rested his forearms on his thighs. This was the reality he was going to have to get used to and the sooner he did, the better off for everyone.

At a cry from Teddy, Remus rose and pulled on a shirt and trousers. He should see if Andromeda needed any help. Today was likely going to be worse for her than it was for him, given they were having a joint service for both Ted and Dora. Padding to the door, he purposely ignored the small mirror on the wall. He didn't need to see himself to know that he had dark circles under his bloodshot eyes and looked as if he hadn't slept in a week. Which was somewhat accurate, if he thought about it.

Andromeda was already in the kitchen when he reached it. She was pulling a bottle from the ice box for Teddy who was squalling much louder than he normally did. Remus took it gently from her hand and warmed it while Andromeda attempted to console her crying grandson. Remus frowned after he had given the bottle to Andromeda and Teddy began to suck it down greedily. His son hadn't slept any longer than usual since his last feeding.

"Something's different this morning," Remus said. Andromeda nodded.

"Likely a growth spurt," she said as she sat down in one of the kitchen chairs. Remus moved into the kitchen to make tea. He was shocked when he brought it to the table and saw that Teddy had nearly finished the bottle. Andromeda chuckled at his expression.

"It's nothing to worry about," she added as Teddy finished. She raised him to her shoulder and began to pat his back. "We'll just need to be sure to have extra bottles around today. He's likely to be hungrier. Although he should sleep more as well."

As if her words had been some kind of spell, Remus saw Teddy's eyelids flutter and then close. Recently, the baby had been staying awake for a bit after a feed. At nearly a month old, Remus was surprised to see him reverting to his newborn behavior. Andromeda laughed again.

"What did I tell you?" she said with a smile. Teddy burped quietly in his sleep.

"I suppose this might work to our advantage today," Remus said. Andromeda's smile immediately slid from her face.

"You might be right about that." Remus, not knowing what to say, busied himself making them both a cup of tea. When he passed one to Andromeda, he indicated his sleeping son.

"Would you like me to put him down?"

"No, he's fine here." Remus nodded.

"Breakfast?" Andromeda sighed.

"Perhaps just toast." Remus rose from the table to make the toast. When he brought it back to the table, marmalade for her and strawberry jam for him, there were tears in Andromeda's eyes. He reached over and gave her free hand a squeeze. The two of them sipped their tea and nibbled their toast, the only other noise in the room Teddy's steady breathing.

Hermione came downstairs to a rather quiet Burrow. After her talk with Charlie the night before, she had lain awake for some time and thus had gotten up rather late. George was the only one at the kitchen table when Hermione arrived.

"Good morning," Hermione said as she sat down and reached for the pot of tea on the table.

"Morning," George replied with a half-smile.

"Where is everyone?"

"Dad and Percy had to go to the Ministry for a few hours. Bill and Fleur went back to Shell Cottage. Fleur says she needs more clothes, but I think they just wanted to be alone for a while." He winked and Hermione laughed. "Charlie, Harry, Ron and Ginny are out flying and Mum's upstairs."

"Didn't fancy a fly this morning?" Hermione asked as she prepared her tea. George shook his head.

"Bit tired," he said. Hermione nodded.

"I understand that."

"Mum's upstairs," he said again. "If you were wanting breakfast."

"Oh, that's all right," she said. "I can make it myself." They sat in somewhat awkward silence for a few minutes. Hermione tried to think of something else to say, but she wasn't sure just what. 'How are you doing' seemed ridiculous. Anyone with eyes could see how George was doing. She didn't want to ask about the shop either. It wouldn't be easy for him if he did decide to reopen it and she had no idea if he was even planning on it.

George didn't seem to know what to say either, simply sipped at his tea and avoided Hermione's eyes. As the silence grew, interrupted only by the noises of sipping tea, Hermione searched her brain for something, anything, to say.

"Are you going to the funeral with us today?" she finally blurted out, then mentally berated herself for bringing it up.

"Planning on it," he replied. She nodded and they fell into silence once more.

"Why do you ask?" he said after a few minutes.

"I don't know, I just thought, maybe," she trailed off, unsure what to say.

"Maybe I wouldn't want to go because of Fred?"

"Well, yes." George nodded, but didn't say anything else. "I mean, I didn't know if it would be too difficult or maybe you weren't up to it or-"

"Hermione," George said interrupted her rambling. Her cheeks colored.

"Sorry." She looked down at her teacup, too embarrassed to meet George's eyes.

"It's all right," he said. "You don't have to…not talk about things because you're afraid of upsetting me." She glanced up at him. "I have to get used to it sometime, yeah?" Hermione said nothing but reached out and laid a hand over his. They sat there in silence again, but this time it didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable.

Remus stepped out of the taxi after paying the driver, then turned to offer Andromeda a hand as she climbed out holding Teddy. Given there was no Floo connection and Teddy was with them, they had resorted to taking a Muggle cab to the cemetery where the service was to be held. The Muggle side of it was quite old and shabby looking. Remus doubted that any Muggles had been buried there for at least a century. There was a wizarding section, however, hidden from Muggle eyes, where he and Andromeda were heading now.

Kingsley was already present when Remus and Andromeda reached the site. Teddy began to protest shortly after Kingsley had greeted them and Remus hurriedly pulled a bottle from his robes and warmed it. Andromeda settled into one of the chairs next to the gravesite and began to feed the baby as quiet pops of Apparition began to echo around them.

Remus was a bit surprised by the size of the crowd. Besides the remaining members of the Order, professors from Hogwarts, the Weasley clan and Harry and Hermione, many of Dora's coworkers, Remus' former students and even a few old schoolmates of Ted's were in attendance. He tried to greet everyone before seating himself next to Andromeda when Kingsley was ready to begin the service.

Teddy fell asleep directly after finishing his latest bottle and remained so throughout the service. Remus could tell that holding Teddy was giving Andromeda a bit of comfort and so he left his boy in her arms, despite how much Remus wanted to hold him himself.

If asked later, Remus wouldn't have been able to tell anyone what, exactly, was said. He knew that Kingsley had spoken of both Dora and Ted and that a few others had stepped forward to say a few words about both of them, but Remus' eyes and attention remained fixed on the matching caskets, one of them empty, throughout the service. It wasn't until Kingsley approached Remus and Andromeda that Remus realized everything was over.

The two of them rose and Andromeda passed Teddy off to Molly Weasley for the moment. Walking forward, they laid matching roses on the two caskets. They stepped back and Remus put an arm around Andromeda, then nodded to Kingsley. With the help of a few Order members, the caskets were levitated and lowered into the graves. Andromeda began to cry softly and Remus tightened his arm around her shoulders as the graves were refilled. Even when Andromeda turned her head into his shoulder, no longer able to watch, Remus couldn't pull his eyes away. It was only when the very last of the earth had been replaced that Remus blinked and looked up.

The guests had moved away a bit to give the two of them some privacy, but with no place to gather as there had been yesterday after Fred's funeral, they had lingered. Remus took a breath and squeezed Andromeda's shoulder. She looked up at him and nodded, wiping her tears away with a handkerchief edged in lace. They both turned and made their way toward the crowd that had come to say their own good-byes.

Hermione could tell that Remus was reaching the end of his tether. He had been walking amongst the guests, accepting condolences, for more than half an hour now. While he maintained a small smile on his face, she could see the strain in his eyes. Mrs. Tonks had already abandoned any pretense of visiting with the guests and had retreated to the chair she had been seated in earlier. She was simply staring at the headstones which had already been inscribed and settled into place.

"Ginny," Hermione said. "Give me Teddy for a minute." Ginny, who had just convinced her mother to give the baby up moments before, furrowed her brow at Hermione.

"But I've only just gotten to hold him," she protested.

"I know but Remus needs him more right now." Ginny glanced at their former teacher who was currently speaking with someone from the Ministry.

"All right," she agreed and passed the baby over. Hermione shifted him a bit, trying to get him to wake as she walked towards Remus. When Teddy remained steadfastly asleep, Hermione ran a finger down his cheek a few times. Teddy cooperated by turning his head towards her finger and searching for what he assumed would be his next meal. When nothing was put into his mouth, he opened it and let out a wail, just as Hermione reached his father.

"Excuse me, sorry," she said to the man Remus was speaking with. "But I think someone might be hungry."

"Of course," the man replied. "My deepest sympathies." With a little bow, the man walked off. Remus turned to Hermione, who was currently trying to comfort the fussing Teddy.

"I didn't expect him to be hungry again so soon," Remus said as he pulled another bottle from his robes. "What Andromeda said about the growth spurt must be true."

"About that," Hermione said sheepishly, her cheeks a bit pink. Remus looked at her quizzically as he warmed the bottle. "I may have, sort of, woken him up on purpose." The bottle warmed, Remus reached for his son and Hermione passed him over.

"What do you mean?" Remus asked once Teddy was happily eating.

"I just thought that you needed, erm, might want…a break." Remus stared at her for a few moments and she bit her lip hoping he wasn't angry with her.

"Thank you, Hermione," he said quietly a few moments later. She blushed deeper.

"You're welcome," she said. Remus looked over to where his mother-in-law was sitting.

"I think I'll go and join Andromeda." She nodded.

"Would you like us to let everyone know that you're grateful they came?"

"I would very much appreciate that."

"Will I see you at Hogwarts later this week?"

"It's entirely possible."

"I really am very sorry, Remus," Hermione said, her eyes bright with unshed tears. "Tonks was a wonderful person."

"That she was," Remus agreed, his voice catching a little. He cleared his throat. "And thank you." She squeezed his arm and placed a kiss on Teddy's forehead before she walked back to the group of Weasleys. Remus watched her go before he made his way back to Andromeda.

Hermione arrived in yet another cemetery and sighed deeply. Ron appeared a few seconds later, followed shortly by Harry and Ginny. The four of them looked at each other sadly before Harry and Ginny moved forward towards the small crowd that had gathered a few dozen feet away. Hermione made to follow them but stopped when she realized that Ron wasn't next to her.

"Ron?" she questioned as she turned around. "What's wrong?"

"Should I even be here, Hermione?" he asked, looking down at the ground.

"Why wouldn't you be?"

"Lavender and I weren't exactly on the best of terms the last time I saw her. What if she said something to her mum?"

"I doubt her mother is going to be thinking about that right now," Hermione said quietly.

"No, I know, it's just," he ran a hand through his hair nervously. "I don't want to make things worse."

"I don't think that's going to happen." She took his hand and tugged it a little. "Come on." Ron dutifully followed her, even if he was still a bit reluctant. When they reached the rest of the guests, Hermione saw that all the Gryffindor seventh years, along with many of the D.A. members, were in attendance. She stepped towards Parvati.

"Parvati," she greeted. Her former roommate looked at her with red-rimmed eyes before she nearly threw herself into Hermione's arms. Hermione, though she had never been close to either Lavender or Parvati during their time at school, felt her eyes fill and hugged the other girl tightly. "I'm so sorry."

She wasn't sure how long they stood that way, but Parvati finally pulled away from her, wiping at her eyes. Hermione looked at her worriedly. She kept a hand on Parvati's arm, concerned that the other woman would fall over otherwise. It wasn't until Padma stepped up beside her sister that Hermione let her go.

"Sorry, Hermione," Parvati whispered. Hermione shook her head.

"There's nothing to apologize for."

"Come on, Vati," Padma said. "Mrs. Brown wants you to sit by her." Padma gave Hermione a small smile and gently led her sister away. Hermione swiped at her cheeks before turning to look for Ron and Harry.

They were standing with Dean and Seamus, talking quietly. Neville, Luna and Ginny stood a couple of feet away having their own conversation. Hermione walked up next to Ron and took his hand. He looked down at her in concern.

"All right?" She nodded.

"I've just seen Parvati." Ron made a noise of understanding and gave Hermione's hand a squeeze.

The service was difficult for Hermione, although she couldn't really say why. Maybe it was all the funerals she had attended in the last few days or maybe it was guilt over the jealousy that had plagued her and Lavender sixth year. They'd never had a close relationship by any means, but once Lavender and Ron had started dating, it was nonexistent. Hermione was still ashamed of how petty she had been at times. Regardless of the reason, she found herself clinging to Ron's hand much more tightly than she had over the last couple of days.

When it was over, she gave her condolences to Lavender's parents, hugged Parvati one more time and then looked for Ron, Harry and Ginny. Hermione just wanted to go back to the Burrow and crawl into her bed.

"Miss Granger," a voice behind her said and Hermione turned to see Professor McGonagall. The professor had been to every funeral, as far as Hermione knew. She looked…worn out for lack of a better phrase.

"Where are Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley?" the professor continued.

"They're over there talking with Neville, Luna and Ginny."

"Ah, I need to speak with them as well." Hermione gave the older witch a questioning look, but the professor ignored her and made her way towards Harry and Ron. Hermione followed.

"Hello, Professor," Harry said. Professor McGonagall nodded in greeting.

"I was hoping to speak with all of you," she said to the small group. She looked around quickly and then cast a Muffliato around all of them. Hermione's brow furrowed in confusion.

"I would like to have a small service tomorrow afternoon," the professor began, "on the castle grounds."

"What kind of service?" Harry asked.

"For Professor Snape." Hermione saw Neville's hands immediately tighten into fists and Ginny's mouth narrow into a thin line. Professor McGonagall obviously noticed it too, for she held up a hand before either of them could protest.

"I am aware of how you feel and I do not blame you, but I do hope that the new information which Mr. Potter uncovered might help temper your anger." She looked at the six of them. "However, I do understand if you cannot bring yourselves to attend. I ask that you keep it to yourselves, regardless. I do not wish this to turn into a circus. Four o'clock." The professor turned away from them then and made her towards Mr. and Mrs. Brown.

"Well, I'll be there," Harry said and Hermione nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, all right," Ron said.

"I don't know if I can," Neville said, his hands still fisted at his sides. "You don't, you weren't there, Harry."

"Ginny?" Harry questioned. She turned on him in a fury.

"He let a first year get chained up and when Michael Corner rescued him, Snape let the Carrows torture Michael! It was, it was bad, Harry."

"Professor Snape did let us go into the Forbidden Forest with Hagrid," Luna said. "That was nice of him."

"It was detention, Luna," Ginny said in exasperation.

"Oh, I know, but it was still considerate of him, don't you think?" Neither Neville nor Ginny responded, but Hermione saw some of the tension leave Neville's face. He looked fondly at Luna before he spoke again.

"I don't know, Harry," Neville said with a sigh. "I mean, I understand he didn't actually kill Professor Dumbledore and he was on our side the whole time, but still." Neville shook his head.

"It's okay, Neville, I understand."

"Well, I'm not going," Ginny announced, crossing her arms over her chest. "Mum probably won't let me out of her sight again, anyway." Harry put a hand to the small of her back and Hermione saw Ginny shift closer to him. Hermione glanced at Ron from the corner of her eye, but he seemed oblivious. When the silence became a bit awkward, Hermione turned to Ron.

"Can we go home?" Ron smiled.

"Yeah."

"Andromeda?" Remus said quietly. His mother-in-law started for a moment, then looked at him with slightly glazed eyes. She had been sitting in the garden since they had returned from the funeral and seemed unaware that the sun was starting to set.

"Come inside and eat something," Remus coaxed. He had put together a small supper after putting Teddy down.

"I am fine," she said. Remus crouched down in front of her.

"You're not," he insisted gently. "You haven't eaten anything since the toast this morning."

"I am not hungry, thank you."

"Neither am I, particularly, but we still need to eat." She stared at him for a few moments before she finally nodded. He stood and held out a hand to her. She rose from the chair she had been sitting in and wobbled slightly. Remus tucked her hand into his arm and led her to the house.

He settled her at the table and then turned back to the kitchen, bringing out the small salads he had put together with the leftover chicken from the night before. They ate in silence, but Remus watched to be sure that Andromeda did more than just move her food around on her plate. He had been quite worried about her this afternoon when she refused anything but a glass of water. She hadn't even seemed to want to hold Teddy, which was highly unusual.

"You don't have to watch me so closely, Remus," she said a few minutes later. "I promise you that I am not going to starve myself." Remus colored slightly, unaware his observation had been so evident. "I just needed a bit of time, this evening."

"I understand," Remus replied. Andromeda wiped at her mouth delicately with her napkin.

"I saw you speaking with Minerva today," she said. "I presume you are returning to Hogwarts tomorrow?"

"I will, for a short time in the afternoon at least," Remus replied. "I hadn't decided about the rest of the day." Andromeda looked at him questioningly.

"Minerva is having a small service for Severus in the late afternoon," Remus explained. "I told her I would attend, but I haven't decided about helping with the repairs just yet."

"Please do not feel as if you need to stay home because of me," she said. "Teddy and I will be fine."

Remus said nothing. He wasn't sure why he was hesitating. It would be better if he kept busy, but the castle brought up all kinds of memories that he didn't want to dwell on, and not only of his wife. Sitting around the house, however, would likely be worse for him.

"I'll decide in the morning," he finally said. Andromeda nodded and stood to carry the plates to the kitchen.

Hermione rose from her bed and padded quietly to the door. Ginny had shifted and mumbled in her sleep when Hermione had awoken from another dream, but the redhead hadn't come completely awake. Hermione was going to have to start casting a Muffliato around herself or something if the dreams kept up.

She crept downstairs, intending to go into the kitchen to get something to drink, but a sound in the living room caught her attention. She pulled her wand from the pocket of her pajama pants and crept closer to the doorway. She saw a familiar head of messy hair.

"Harry?" she whispered so as not to startle him. Harry's head whipped up towards her, his wand rising at the same time. "It's me, Harry."

"Hermione," he said on a blown-out breath. "Sorry."

"It's all right. I'm the one that was sneaking up on you in the dark, after all," she said wryly as she sat down next to him. "What's going on?"

"Nothing, I," he shook his head, then turned away from her slightly.

"Harry," she said, laying a hand on his arm. She shifted to try and get him to look at her and noticed the tear tracks on his cheeks. "Oh, Harry."

"I'm fine," he insisted, trying to pull away from her.

"Don't be daft," she said and pulled her best friend towards her, hugging him tightly. She felt his shoulders begin to shake as he buried his face in her hair.

"Too many, Hermione," he mumbled as he cried. "Too many."

"Too many what, Harry?" she asked.

"Too many people," he whispered.

"I know, Harry, I know." She rubbed his back, feeling her own tears begin at the thought of everyone they had lost during the war.

"No, Hermione, that's not," he shook his head and pulled away from her, swiping at his eyes with his arm. He blew out a breath. "Too many people died for me." She stared at him incredulously for a minute. When she didn't respond, Harry continued to speak.

"I didn't want that, I didn't, I," he paused again. "I didn't want anyone else to die, not for me." He looked up at her, chin quivering a bit.

"Harry James Potter have you gone completely mental?" Hermione demanded. He looked at her in confusion. "You honestly think that all of those people died for you?"

"Well, I-" but Hermione spoke over him.

"Did you ever think that all of those people were fighting for what they believed it, for what was right?"

"I know that, Hermione, but-"

"No, Harry, stop it right now. No one died for you, they died to stop Voldemort and his Death Eaters. This isn't all about you."

"That's not what I meant, Hermione," Harry insisted.

"What did you mean then?"

"It's just, Voldemort went after me because of that prophecy, if he hadn't then," Harry trailed off obviously realizing the holes in his argument.

"If he hadn't, then there still would have been a war. There already was one before you were even born, Harry. Voldemort's beliefs about blood purity and Muggles didn't change because of a prophecy. They already existed."

"My mum and dad died for me," Harry muttered, somewhat petulantly. Hermione sighed.

"They did, you're right about that, but I think most parents would do that for their children. But everyone else that died, Harry, they didn't die for you directly. If someone else had been 'The Chosen One', they still would have fought." She paused and smirked slightly. "You're not as special as you think you are." Harry glanced at her, then snorted when he realized she was teasing him.

"Okay, so I sound like a complete tosser," he said, raking a hand through his hair. "That's not what I meant though."

"I know what you meant," Hermione said. "But what I said stands. People would have died, regardless. You have to stop blaming yourself." Harry was quiet for a minute, looking down at his hands which were clenched in his lap.

"How can I, Hermione?" he whispered. "How can I look Mr. and Mrs. Weasley in the eye and not feel guilty? Or Remus and Mrs. Tonks. How can I talk to my godson someday about his mother and not feel guilty?"

"Because you're not the one that killed them," Hermione said firmly. "You didn't start this war; it began long before you were even born. You didn't ask Voldemort to try and kill you when you were a baby. You didn't force his Death Eaters to follow him. None of that is your fault, Harry."

"Sirius," Harry began, but Hermione shook her head violently.

"Kreacher tricked you and Sirius made his own choices." Harry sighed heavily.

"I know you're right, Hermione, I do, it's just," he trailed off.

"It's just that you have that responsibility thing," she said in amusement. Harry smiled sheepishly and shrugged. He leaned back against the couch and sighed. Hermione scooted closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder.

"Why are you down here?" Harry asked after a few minutes of silence. Hermione shrugged. Harry pulled away from her slightly and she looked up at him. "Nightmare again?"

"Yeah," she said quietly.

"How often has that been happening?" Harry asked in concern. She shrugged again. "Hermione."

"Almost every night since we came back to the Burrow," she finally mumbled. Harry's arm tightened around her shoulder.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"What could you have done?"

"I don't know," Harry muttered. "Something." Hermione laughed.

"Even you, oh Savior of the Wizarding World, cannot prevent my nightmares." Harry was quiet for a moment.

"What are they about?" he asked quietly.

"Bellatrix," Hermione whispered. Harry's arm tightened again. Hermione stared at the empty fireplace. "Sometimes it's me she's torturing and sometimes it's someone else."

"Hermione," Harry said, his voice pained.

"Don't start that, Harry," she said. "This wasn't your fault either." She rubbed her forearm absently.

"If I hadn't said his name," Harry protested.

"One of us was bound to say it at some point," she argued. "Besides, if everything hadn't happened the way it did, you wouldn't have disarmed Malfoy and you might not have defeated Voldemort in the end."

"Maybe," he sighed. Hermione didn't reply. She knew she wasn't likely to change Harry's mind about everything tonight. It was going to take time for him to come to terms with it all and stop blaming himself.

"I told Kingsley I want to speak at his trial," Harry said. "Malfoy's and his mother's." Hermione sat up.

"Really?"

"Mrs. Malfoy told Voldemort that I was dead," Harry said. "If she hadn't, who knows what would have happened. I know she did it because she wanted to try and get to Malfoy, er, Draco, but that doesn't really matter."

"And Draco?"

"He could have easily identified us at Malfoy Manor, but he didn't. I don't think he tried too hard to keep me from disarming him either."

"Have you told Ron this?" Harry snorted.

"What do you think?"

"He's going to be upset."

"What about you?" Harry asked. "Will you be upset?" Hermione thought about it for a moment.

"Malfoy was horrible to me our whole time at school," she said. "It's not as if there's any love lost between the two of us. But even I could see he was in over his head sixth year. I don't think that he wanted any of this anymore than the rest of us did. A war shouldn't be fought by children."

"And if my child was in the castle during a battle and I had no idea what had happened to him, I think I'd do just about anything to find out," Hermione continued. "So, no, I'm not upset. You have to do what you think is right, Harry."

"Think you can help me convince Ron of that?"

"Ron will come around," Hermione said. "He always does."

"Eventually."

"Eventually," Hermione agreed. She snuggled back into Harry's side and the two of them sat in companionable silence until they both fell asleep.