Chapter 6: Hello, I'm Victor

Dear Yuuri,

Today is my first day of group therapy. Stefan has told me what to expect, but it's always nerve wracking meeting new people, especially when you're meeting those people because you've messed up your life and you're trying to get your act together. But at least I'm not the only screw up there. I've got company. Everyone who will be there, even Stefan, who will be leading us, has been where I am now. That is a comfort.

I'm so glad that there are only a couple more days until we can talk. So much has happened in just my first week here. A lot of it has been really hard to deal with, but at least I know that it's for something important. I look at your picture and I think about you a million times every day, Yuuri.

I hope that you are keeping busy. I'm glad you're learning to speak Russian, but I wonder if you will think it's strange that when I talk to you, I want to do that in English. Maybe it's odd, but that's the language we had in common when we met, and it's how we've talked to each other all of this time. We've picked up some words from each other's home languages, but I feel like if you suddenly start speaking to me in Russian, I'll feel…I don't know. Maybe like I've lost something. I don't know how to explain, except to say that I don't really want things to change between us. I want to always be the people we've been up to now. I know I have to change, so that I don't let alcohol ruin what we have, but the rest of what we have is good the way it is, da?

Yuuri, I want so much to come home. It's not that it's really bad here, but it's not home and it will never be without you. I'm trying my hardest to do the right things and to make good progress, but things happen. I almost got in trouble this morning. I have to be careful, because if I do that, I could have my privileges taken away and not be able to talk to you this weekend. God, I want to see you too! I know it will be at least another week before I earn that privilege. I just can't help feeling like I die a little every time I long for you and we can't be together.

I love you, Yuuri,

Vitya

XXXXXXXXXX

I have to admit I'm a little nervous about going to the first group therapy session. Although Stefan has assured me that all I'm required to do today is introduce myself, it's the first time I've introduced myself to anyone as an alcoholic. It's easy if I'm Victor Nikiforov, professional figure skater. I know how to make sure I'm smiling, how to hide any imperfections, any bad feelings, any pain. I know how to make a good impression and be polite under all circumstances, even if someone is impolite to me. I know all of that, yes, but what I don't know is how to be myself in front of other people…my whole imperfect, addicted, unreasonable frightened and lonely self.

Why do they want to see that?

I don't want to be that right now or ever really.

But Stefan says that if I want to make changes, then I have to be honest about where I'm beginning. Who I am today is a starting point. I have to own the imperfect being I am, and I have to be able to reveal that imperfect person to other imperfect people like me. I have to learn to stop hating myself for my mistakes. I have to learn from those mistakes and just figure out how to be a better version of me.

That's going to be hard.

I don't know how to be better than I am. I'm only good at hiding things, not so much at changing them. At least Stefan will be there. I have that comfort.

God, I want to go home and be with Yuuri!

I feel like I've lost everything that makes me who I am.

The time comes for me to go to therapy, and I head down the hallway, past several open doors. As I head past Masha's door, she steps out and almost runs into me.

"Sorry," I say, even though it's clearly her fault.

"I thought fairies were supposed to be graceful," she huffs, turning away.

Oh great, she's in my group?

"Masha."

Why am I doing this?

She's just going to insult me…

"What do you want?" she asks gruffly.

"I wanted to thank you for before…with Tolya."

"Why?"

"What?" I ask, frowning.

"Look, I may not like you, but you're a person, and no one should be trying to stab you," she explains, "I would have had the same reaction if you were any other person, or even a cat or dog."

Why is she like this?

What the hell did someone do to this woman to make her so abrasive?

Wait a minute…

"Bullshit," I say, stepping into her path and making her stop short.

She glares at me in challenge.

"Move," she says stiffly, "you'll make us both late."

"First, you tell me why you protected me," I demand.

"I told you…"

"Don't give me that crap, because even though you might have stopped Tolya from killing just about any living thing, you did more than that. You took responsibility for the fighting, when you knew I was guilty of getting rough with him. I clearly broke the rules by fighting with him, and you stepped in and kept me from being disciplined for it. Tell me why…or I'm not moving."

Her eyes narrow.

"Do you want me to kick your ass, ice fairy? I said to get out of my way!"

"Tell me why you stood up for me! I'm getting tired of this act you're putting on of looking down on me. I don't know what's going on in your messed up head, but you're going to tell me now what the hell you did that for!"

I'm not quite sure how to describe what happens next, because literally one second we're standing face to face and the next she has me shoved up against the wall and pinned with her knee positioned strategically between my thighs, leaving my nether parts vulnerable to attack if that was something she was of a mind to do.

"I do what I want to do!" she snaps, "And not you, or anyone else forces me to do anything or to say anything."

"O-kay."

What else can I say if don't want to have painful damage done to my family jewels?

She lets go of me, but she leans closer for a moment and hisses one more thing in my ear.

"If you fuck up in your blackout period, it gets extended. If you care about talking to your loverboy, you have to stay out of trouble. Do you think you can do that, ice fairy?"

"I don't know," I joke, "Maybe you haven't noticed, I get into a lot of trouble without trying."

"Tell me about it!" she huffs, turning and stomping down the hallway, leaving me looking after her.

"You know," I say to no one in particular, "I'm really starting to like her…"

I follow in the direction she heads, and into one of the conference rooms, where Stefan sits on the carpeted floor, making a circle with the others that have come for the meeting. I'm aware that although there are a certain number of these meetings that I will be scheduled to attend, all patients are always invited to join in any additional meetings they choose.

Stefan explained to me at my intake that the purpose of these meetings is to give the addicts in the program a community in which they can feel supported as they work through the causes of their addiction, the changes they must make and the inevitable mix of failures and triumphs they all have. The structure of a meeting is pretty simple and meant to feel safe to everyone there. There is no leader, only a facilitator, whose job it is to make sure the structure is followed in the meeting. While patients can be required to attend, no one is ever forced to speak, except when being introduced to the group. There is a community focus statement that is recited by the attendees (but patients are not forced to participate in it).

We choose a new path to self

We accept our imperfections

We work together to build our strengths

We both offer and accept support

We make mistakes and we learn

We explore our spirituality

We relentlessly fight our addictions

We work to bring our unique gifts to the world

I have to admit that one of the reasons I was able to commit myself to this recovery program is that it is a more progressive one that is able to embrace and support patients, regardless of things like their religious preference or cultural background. I don't mean it as a criticism of other programs, but as recognition of my particular needs. As a Russian citizen who is pansexual, and who has a foreign lover, both things that put me at odds with the Russian leadership, and as someone who is spiritual, but not affiliated with a particular religion, I need a program that will focus on helping me fight my addiction without putting pressure on me to change things that I don't think need changing. Stefan agreed with me that, for any addict seeking treatment, choosing the right program is critical to success.

Here is where I will begin to work towards that success.

I take a place near Stefan, but not directly beside him. On one side of me is Petya, the small, watchful man, and on the other is Yegor, big man who is an alcoholic, like me. Masha sits on the opposite side of the circle between two women I don't yet know. To my surprise, Tolya is also in the circle, near the midpoint between Masha and me. There are twelve of us in the circle, including Stefan.

For this meeting, Yegor is the facilitator. He starts the meeting by inviting us to join him in reciting the community focus statement. After that, he introduces me, at which point, I simply have to say "Hello, I am Victor and I am an alcoholic."

When Stefan told me about that, I was curious.

"Do you mind explaining to me why we only say our first name and our disease?" I asked him.

He looked at me and gave me an encouraging smile and a nod.

"There are a few reasons," he answered, "First, we say only our first name because that is the beginning of sharing who we are with the group. Using just our first name alone puts us all on a level playing field and lets us reveal ourselves as we grow within the program. Giving our disease is an acknowledgment of why we're here, specifically what we're fighting.

"But I'm not just a name and a disease."

"No. You are not anything fixed at all. You are an ever-changing, ever-growing soul. Giving your name and your disease just gives you a common starting point with the community. No matter whether a patient is new or has been in the program for a long time, that path of growth is the same, and it only begins here. You won't stop growing when you leave. You will never stop growing, as long as you are alive."

When Stefan described this, I felt intimidated at first, because for over twenty years, I've been known all over the world as Victor Nikiforov, the figure skater. To be less than that seems scary. But when I introduce myself, I feel something more like relief. After all, being Victor Nikiforov isn't just an honor I've earned, it's a responsibility that could introduce pressure I don't need while I am recovering. So, maybe this is a good thing.

After I introduce myself, the group welcomes me, then each person in attendance tells me their name and disease. There is Stefan, then Artur, a heroin addict, Petya, then me, Yegor, then Tomas, then Tolya, then a middle aged woman named Eda, who is an alcoholic, Matvei, multiple drug user, Mara, addicted to Cocaine, then Masha, then Raya, an alcoholic. Once introductions are over, Yegor sets a token in the center of the circle. The token can be any small thing, like a stuffed toy or little statue, a ball or a book. It's chosen by the facilitator, and Yegor has chosen a little brown stuffed kitten. He places it at the center of the circle, and we all wait for about a minute, thinking quietly. At the end of that minute, Eda picks up the kitten and places it in her lap while she speaks.

"My sister called me yesterday," he says, looking down at the kitten, "She said that she went over to my house to pick up a few things to bring to me. Sabina has a key to my house. Normally, she calls ahead to ask my husband if it's okay, but he was supposed to be at work, so she just went over. When she arrived, there were two cars in the driveway, so she thought it was weird and moved her car a little down the street, then she called the house and told him she was going to be coming by in a half hour to pick up something to take to me. She watched the house…"

Eda stops talking, and big tears start to roll down her face. Matvei takes a couple of tissues from one of several dispensers in the circle, and he hands them to her. She wipes her wet cheeks and blows her nose, then continues.

"We raised two children in that house!" she sobs, "Our family lived there! Part of the reason I'm here is because raising our children was hard. Our younger was in and out of the hospital a lot, and I was the one who was always there. I cooked and cleaned, went on field trips and to conferences. I sat in the hospital all night at my Grigory's bedside when he was ill. It was hard on my husband and me, and we argued sometimes. I didn't think it was that bad, though. When the children left home, I thought that Berdy and I would grow closer again…but…"

She takes a break to wipe away more tears.

"My sister confronted him and his girlfriend," she tells us when she can go on, "Berdy told her that he needed to feel loved, and that I had been neglecting him. He's been seeing this other woman since before the kids left. I know her! She went to church with us. It makes me sick inside, because I hugged that woman and talked to her. I was kind to her, and all of the time, she was seeing Berdy behind my back! And all of that time, Berdy was giving his love to her instead of to me. A man has needs, he told my sister. A man has needs."

At that point, she sets the kitten back in the middle of the circle as an invitation for others to speak. One by one, others in the circle take the kitten and reflect on what she's said. Some of them offer condolences and words of comfort. Others relate to her experience. It's my first time at a meeting, and I know I don't have to say anything. I don't know of anything I could say. But Stefan told me before that if I can't think of words, it is acceptable, even encouraged to offer wordless support. I take a breath and pick up the stuffed kitten, then I hug it gently and set it back in the middle. Eda smiles through her tears.

"Thank you, Victor."

When we've finished addressing Eda's revelation, Matvei takes the kitten to talk about the drug cravings he is suffering from. I can't really add anything, given that I'm still in the late stages of detoxification, so I haven't had related experience. I mean, I do know that my cravings for alcohol aren't going to just stop, but I haven't the skills yet for dealing with it. I have more to learn, and part of doing that is listening to stories like Matvei's. I listen carefully and make a mental note to add a few things about it to the reflections in my journal later.

When the meeting is over, we can leave the room or stay for refreshments and more casual conversation. About half the groups stays and half leaves. Stefan comes to talk to me and we have bottled water and a few of the sweets on the table in the room.

"So, what did you think?" he asks me, "Did it feel like a safe place for you to express yourself?"

"It did," I affirm, "I didn't say anything this time…"

"But you actively participated," he points out, "That's hard, especially on the first day. But you know, you did provide comfort to someone who needed it."

"She's a nice lady. I feel bad for what she's going through."

We stop talking as Eda and Raya approach us.

"Victor," Eda says, blushing a little, "thank you for your support in the meeting. It's good to meet you."

"It's good to meet you too," I answer, smiling at her.

"It's okay to give me a real hug too," she chuckles.

"Okay," I answer, hugging her gently like I did to the stuffed kitten.

Stefan told me during my intake that offering symbolic hugs is a safe beginning, but it's best to let the person whose issue it is initiate real contact, and it's best to do that in the casual exchange after the meeting, although some people will do it during the meeting if it's someone they know doesn't mind. Eda and I were strangers, so it was important to let her have control of that. But now that we've broken the ice, it's fine for me to offer her real hugs in the future.

"That's a little hypocritical of you, considering you're an adulterer, yourself," Tolya says as he drops his water bottle in the recycling bin and starts to leave, "How do you think that would make her feel about you?"

"Tolya," Stefan says firmly.

He bristles, but he stops talking and leaves the room. Eda looks up at me questioningly, and I take a breath and explain.

"Some years back," I tell her, "I had a girlfriend. We were together for a month before I found out that she was married to someone. I stopped seeing her the moment I knew, and I felt horrible for her husband. I apologized to him and I never saw her again."

Stefan frowns.

"But, how would Tolya know about that?" he asks.

I give a little shrug.

"Her husband filed a legal petition a short time after, because she became pregnant, and he suspected I was the father. It turned out the baby was his, not mine. But…it did get into the news. It was quite awhile back, and I wasn't as well known at the time, but…it wouldn't take much to find information that was leaked to the papers at the time."

I watch as Eda considers what I've said, then gives me a tentative nod.

"It sounds like you didn't mean for it to happen," she comments, still looking conflicted, "and you did apologize to the husband. And it has never happened again?"

"No."

"Okay. I don't feel good about it, but you were honest with me and you've tried to make amends for your mistake. If I want to be forgiven for my shortcomings, I can't be an unforgiving person."

"Thank you, Eda."

"You are welcome, Victor."

Stefan and I watch as she and Raya exit the room, leaving just Petya sitting near the window in the room, reading a book, and Tomas, who is sitting in a corner of the room and writing something into his journal.

"Well, that was awkward," I sigh, "Maybe I shouldn't have done anything in the meeting. I just wasn't thinking when I tried to comfort her. It happened a really long time ago."

"Don't worry about it," Stefan chides me, "Everyone here has skeletons in their closet. I think you handled that one well. I'll have another talk with Tolya."

"You don't have to," I assure him, "He was just stating a fact. I did sleep with a married woman."

"But it was inappropriate the way he chose to share that. He was purposely sabotaging you, and it was clear that he was disregarding Eda's feelings also. It was a deliberate attempt to hurt you." It's not allowed."

"I know. I just…"

I glance at the two others in the room, then look back at Stefan.

"I just don't want there to be more trouble with him. He already really dislikes me."

"He has to follow the rules, like everyone else," Stefan insists, "I'll be fair to him, but I can't let it go. Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it."

He gives me a little smile.

"And you should be focusing on yourself anyway," he says, sounding pleased, "You've made good progress this week. I'm going to let your family know that, starting tomorrow, the blackout is lifted, and you will have contact privileges. They will be able to call you anytime, and you will be allowed visits on future weekends. They will have to take place here, for now, but you will be able to visit with them."

"Thank you, Stefan!" I exclaim, hugging him, "I have so much to tell Yuuri. I can't wait to hear his voice again!"