Chapter 7: The Home in Your Arms

Dear Yuuri,

Today, I will finally be able to talk to you again. Stefan said that you told him you would call the phone that they've put in my room at three this afternoon. It's annoying that the phones we get even after the blackout are for people to call in only. How great would it be to be able to order a goddamned pizza or some really good pirozhkis? I don't know how they expect me to regain the weight I lost during detoxification when the food here gets me about as excited to eat it as I get about dishwashing duty. I do try to eat enough, but Nurse Ivkin still scolds me about my lackluster physical progress. I think he worries more about the way my body looks than I do. Nurse Derdova, who is usually the grouchy lady has been acting more motherly towards me. Do you know she keeps bringing me really good Belgian chocolates when I have my health checks with her?

I'm still having disagreements with my behavioral psychologist, Doctor Bershov. He keeps insisting that I have PTSD and submerged emotions about my childhood that I don't realize are affecting my levels of stress and periods of depression. Honestly, I think the man is full of shit and desperate to find something to cure. When I'm stressed, it's because I miss home. I miss you. When I'm depressed, it's because I'm basically a prisoner here. Yes, I signed the papers to commit myself, but once the door slammed shut behind me, I no longer had any control over anything but how long they have to 'fix' me.

Sorry, Yuuri. I know I belong here right now. I'm not saying that I'm fine, because I'm not. I still have headaches, stomach upset, times when I get adrenaline rushes and strong cravings for booze. I get crabby when I'm wanting booze. I get frustrated because I don't want to feel like I need a drink, but my screwed up body wants it anyway. I sulk because I want to be able to go out somewhere to eat, to skate, to just lie around and not have to do things on a very full schedule all of the time. I don't want to feel people watching me like I'm going to do something bad.

I just want to be home with you.

Is that some kind of crime?

When things get really bad, sometimes at night while I'm trying to fall asleep, I close my eyes and use what I've learned in my meditation group to bring you close to me. I first center myself, then I lie really still and I use sense memories to make myself feel like you're there. I never thought it would work, but it turns out that if I lie there and concentrate on the memories of your scent, of the feel of your skin on mine, of the sound of your voice and the taste of your lips. If I picture you strongly enough in my mind, then I can feel close to you. I know in my head, I'm just imagining, but since what I use for this is real sensory impressions, it feels real to me, and it is a comfort.

I still want to go home.

Stefan told me today that I'm making good progress. He thinks I should try to get along better with Doctor Bershov, and that I need to try harder to regain more weight, but other than that, he's pleased with how things are going. I'm still very fucked up, but at least I'm moving in the right direction, and knowing that you are the light at the end of this, I'll keep trying so I'll be able to be a better husband for you.

I'm looking forward to our wedding, Yuuri. We're really going to make it an incredible day, and after that, I will make sure that you have the happily ever after that a sweet prince like you deserves.

Love you,

Vitya

XXXXXXXXXX

It's finally the day Yuuri will be calling me here for the first time, so of course, I wake up too early. I've barely slept anyway. Maccachin groans and stays on the bed, but I can't lie around. In addition to being impatient and feeling like time has slowed down, I'm having alcohol cravings at an ungodly hour of the morning. It's still quiet hours, so I can't leave my room. I meditate to try to slow my heart down and calm myself. Then, I write some in my journal to pass time. The moment the breakfast hours start, I'm out my door and in the cafeteria.

There's no one here at this hour, except for Nurse Ivken, who sees me sitting alone and comes to join me. He looks at my very full tray and gives me a nod of approval.

"It looks like you took my advice," he comments as he yawns and takes bites of his own meal, "I've been concerned because you're still underweight."

"I told you. I was running on the lean side because it was the end of the skating season, and when I was unable to eat and on fluids, I dropped even more. I'll gain it back. I always gain some during the off season. I'm mostly having trouble right now because, well…not to say that the staff here doesn't do its best…"

"Yes, I know the food in any institution can't compare with home cooked, but unfortunately…"

"I know," I sigh, "You have to be sure that what we eat is controlled because we are addicts, and you don't want us getting hold of any drug or booze laced foods or drinks. I understand, but it does make it hard for me when I know that there is really delicious food all around this place and I can't pick up a damned phone and order any."

"That is a frustration," he says sympathetically.

He glances around the room and leans closer to me.

"Maybe you should organize a social event," he offers.

"What?" I ask, frowning and tilting my head a little, "A social event? Why?"

"Because," he answers, narrowing his eyes, "special events can be catered from the outside, as long as we have a security team member verify the contents of the food brought in, and that the guard is present while the food is being delivered to us."

"Do they really think people would go so far to get drugs in here? Nurse Ivkin, we can be drug tested at any time. We…"

"Victor, you know how powerful your longing for alcohol is. Drug cravings get really intense, and it make some people desperate."

"Well, the only thing I'm desperate for is to get well and get out of here!"

"Oh, I think I'm hurt," he jokes.

He's actually kind of funny when he's not putting a needle in me.

"And after how well I took care of you when you were in withdrawal. I was there both nights."

"Sorry," I chuckle, "I appreciate all you did…well, maybe except for sticking needles in me."

"Yeah, that comes with the job," he laughs, "It makes people not like seeing me so much."

"Well, you're good company when you're not armed with a syringe."

"Thank you," he says, looking amused, "Sorry, I have to go. They're bringing in a new patient this morning."

"Good luck with that," I say, raising my juice glass, "I hope whoever it is, is not the pain in the ass I was in detox."

"You weren't so bad, Victor," he chuckles, "Don't worry about it. Eat. Get better. And enjoy your time withYuuri."

"I will."

I linger in the dining room, trying to eat, and eventually, Vasily shows up, but he's with Calina, so I slip out while they're getting their food, so I won't bother them if they want to be alone. I head back towards my room, but I'm bored and don't want to sit, looking at the walls until three this afternoon. I take Maccachin outside for a little walk, then I take him with me to one of the exercise rooms, that's not being used at the moment.

I'm warm from walking, so I stretch a little, then I put on some classical music and use the dance floor in the room to do a little bit of ballet. I work on some moves I'm including in my new programs, just trying to pass the time, really. I am just finishing a pirouette, when I find myself looking at Masha's smirking face. She's wearing loose dance clothing and I realize that she's often in the dance room at this time of the morning.

"Am I invading your space?" I ask, "I can leave."

"It's fine. You were here first. I can work around you."

She starts warming up a short distance from me, watching as I plan a jump combination and pirouette where I'll start a spin in my short program.

"Why aren't you having breakfast with Vasily?" she asks, "Thought you two were buddies."

"Hmm, he looked busy."

She gives me a nasty little smirk.

"With Calina?" she teases.

"Shut up."

She snickers and fiddles with the boombox, putting on the humorous version of "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" complete with the main character's two buddies singing to complain about the couple falling in love. Amused, we begin a parody of the song in which I sing the meerkat's portion, while Masha sings the pig's part.

Masha suddenly breaks her word about never dancing with me, and she takes my hand, following as I lead, while we dance together and continue to sing. But just a little further in, Masha grabs my arm to stop me as Vasily and Calina walk into the room together. She kicks the boombox to silence it and we grin at the two newcomers.

"What's up with this?" Vasily asks, "I thought you two don't like each other. Dancing together now? Are you making friends?"

"Heck no," Masha laughs sarcastically, "I was just distracting him from pining until his loverboy calls."

"How nice of you," Vasily chuckles.

"Well," I say to change the subject, "you know, I did promise to teach you some dance moves, Vasily. You know, because you taught me to sing?"

"That travesty I heard was after he taught you to sing?" Masha teases me, "I'd get my money back if I were you…although, he can't help it if you are just beyond help."

"So sweet," I sigh, "Shut up, will you? What do you say, Vasily? You've got a dance partner, right? And I have a…Masha."

"You'd better be nicer to me," Masha warns me.

"You know, if Victor wasn't in love with Yuuri, you two would make a great couple," Vasily snorts, "You fight like one."

"SHUT UP!" Masha and I snap together.

Calina covers her mouth because she's too polite to actually laugh at us out loud.

Within moments, we've got some of Vasily's group's music playing, and the four of us are dancing together. Despite her big mouth and saucy tongue, Masha is a good dance partner. She follows well and can be spontaneous. It makes me wonder even more about her story as I work with Vasily and Calina. After awhile, Calina has to run off to a group meeting. I switch to teaching Vasily moves to go along with his music. He learns pretty quickly.

"How did you get this far and not know how to dance well?" I tease him, "You've even done videos for your music."

"I don't dance in them," he laughs.

"Well, I'm going to teach you so you'll be able to. Do you have any new songs that aren't released yet?" I ask him, "I'll choreograph your next video for you."

"Heh, you will never get me dancing good enough for my producer to allow that."

"Oh ye of little faith," I say with mock indignance, "I am Victor Nikiforov, drunk skater, choreographer and coach. I can teach anyone to dance well enough to perform in a rock video!"

"Well, if you think you can," Vasily laughs, brushing damp hairs away from his face, "But I think you have your work cut out for you."

Vasily leaves to get the new song, and he comes back with several tracks he's recorded.

"The first two are going to be the first songs released and will have videos. The others, well, if things go well, I'll probably make videos for them too."

We listen to the songs together. The first is a hard rock piece that I definitely think I can choreograph something to. The second is a love ballad. We start to work with the hard rock song, and after an hour, he's doing a very good job of dancing to it.

"The love ballad, I'm not so sure what to do with," he confesses, "I think we'll get a couple of professional dancers…although my producer has been complaining about the cost."

"Well, I can at least choreograph something for the dancers then."

I have Masha dance with me for the first part, to show what I can plan for the hired dancers. There is a move in the sequence I'm showing him where Masha spins away, then turns back and wraps her arms around me from behind. We're in the middle of that piece, and she spins out as I turn away. I hear her make a little surprised sound and I turn just in time to find myself face to face with Yuuri.

For a moment, I can't believe my eyes. I can't breathe and I can't move as I look at his smiling face and wonder if I've just absolutely lost my mind or…if this could be happening. The next moment, my insides clench and I start to shake all over.

"Victor," he says uncertainly, "are you all right?"

I manage a little nod, but I still can't get my voice to work, so I wrap my arms around him and start crying into his shoulder while Masha and Vasily exchange sympathetic looks and leave us alone in the room.

This time, I really do smell his scent when I breathe in, and I melt when he runs his fingers through my hair. I press my trembling lips to his throat, and I can feel his heart pounding. He sniffs softly, and I can feel that he's shaky too.

"Sorry," he whispers, "I didn't mean to upset you."

"I'm…j-just surprised," I answer as my voice finally comes unstuck and starts to work again, "Stefan only said that you'd be calling me. He didn't say that you would come here today."

"Stefan and I have been talking a lot this week," Yuuri tells me, "Since you signed the form giving him permission to talk to me about your progress, he's called almost every day. He told me that you were in the infirmary."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Yuuri," I apologize, "That must have worried you. But I'm all right now."

"Are you?" he asks, pulling back a little as he runs his hands down my torso, "Victor, you seem too thin."

"I know," I answer, pulling away slightly and looking down at myself, "I lost weight when I was on the IV because I was passed out for two days. I'm trying to eat enough, but…it's hard. The food is okay here, but I have no appetite for it."

"Really?" he says, giving me a really cute little smirk and showing me an insulated container, "Maybe I can help with that."

I lose my breath all over again.

"Yuuri, what is that?"

"Show me where your room is, and I'll let you see," he giggles, "I can't show anyone, because it's not really allowed. Stefan helped me sneak it past the front desk."

"Oh my god!" I gasp, "Please tell me that's what I think it is!"

I grab his hand and yank him into a run. We're back in my room in a second and I slam and lock the door behind us. I turn to kiss him, but he's in the middle of opening the container, and a beautiful, wonderful scent fills the air around us as he reveals a freshly made pork cutlet bowl.

"Oh I FUCKING LOVE YOU!" I sob, grabbing the bowl out of the container, "I've had nothing good to eat for a WEEK!"

"Stefan was worried about that, and I was too. So, we worked out a plan to sneak this in for you. It's extra large, just like you like it."

I sit down on the bed and practically dive into the bowl, eating frantically, as though I haven't eaten anything at all in a month. I can't even describe the almost obscene feeling of pleasure I get from having the flavor radiate on my tongue and all through my mouth and nostrils.

"Oh my god! Oh my god! So gooooood!" I gush between bites, "Yuuri, did you make this at home?"

"Yeah. Just for you."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you! Oh fucking god, THANK YOU!"

Luckily, it's a big meal, so it lasts a little while, even with me eating so fast. I end up with a lot of greasy bits on my face and Yuuri starts to go get a washcloth for me, but I eat all of the little pieces too, just leaving some grease on my face. He tries to wash my face, but I tackle him and bring him down onto his back on the bed. I kiss him open mouthed, even though I taste like the katsudon I was eating. Yuuri doesn't seem to mind at all. He holds me as tightly as I hold him, and we start tearing each other's clothes off.

I don't even wait until we're all of the way undressed and I don't really bother with preparation. I just dampen my fingers a little with saliva and rub it onto him. It hurts a lot as he penetrates me, but I'm desperate to be joined with him, and I have no idea if all of this is really happening, or if I'm going to realize all of a sudden that I was dreaming. But it turns out that it's no dream. I feed on him like I can't stop, but Yuuri is just as desperate as I am. He doesn't hold back anything, but thrusts, hard and fast as I rise and fall on him. We kiss so hard that it hurts, and we hold each other like we're both afraid the other will disappear. It's not until we've surrendered to climax and I collapse on his chest that we slow down and think a little. My first question to him is a pretty obvious one.

"Yuuri, how did you get permission to come? I thought that after blackout, we would have a week of phone only and…"

"Well, Stefan was convinced when you were having so much trouble, that he needed to allow us more contact. He's worried about you not thriving. He says he's worried it's more than just detox. You might not be able to eat because you're so depressed about being away from home. He thought that Maccachin being here would help more, but when it didn't help enough, he called me and told me to come and cheer you up."

I smile weakly at him and run my fingers along his cheek.

"How long will you stay?" I ask.

"Well, married couples can have overnight visits, once the blackout is over…at the discretion of your recovery specialist, of course. I'm allowed to come every Saturday and spend the night."

"But…we're not married," I remind him.

"No," he agrees, "but the policy takes into account committed couples who live together, and gives them the same privileges as a married couple."

"S-so, you can stay with me…?"

"Once a week," he affirms, "I've got permission from both Stefan and Doctor Bershov."

"Oh, I don't dislike Doctor Bershov nearly so much now!"

Yuuri laughs.

"Yuuri, will you bring me a pork cutlet bowl every week?" I ask.

"Hmm," he snickers, narrowing his eyes, "I think that depends on how well Victor behaves."

I lift myself and start making a line of kisses down his chest.

"Ah!" I laugh, "Let me show you just what a good boy I can be!"